


The wish to disappear

by Shirohimesstories



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-05
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2018-04-25 00:13:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 49
Words: 152,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4939321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shirohimesstories/pseuds/Shirohimesstories
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>WARNING:TRIGGERING (Shizaya)<br/>...ever thought about dying? Ending the pain? Escaping the numbness? Izaya did. Izaya does- and that a lot. He thought it would go by, he thought he could just ignore it, that he could just get rid of this pain by himself- ..but no.. He couldn't. So he simply tried pushing on, until the point he finally couldn't take it anymore... UPDATES EVERY SECOND SUNDAY</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The wish

…

Why…?

Heh. He would have smiled at the stupid question. He had been pondering on it far too long already- despicable... he just couldn´t find a solution.

It should be laughable, at first it even was.

When it first started- … did he even know when exactly?

No. Maybe he did, but right now his brain was too fuzzy to think straight.

He laughed then.

He literally laughed.

Shrugged it off. He thought it was nothing, just a stupid question that his bored mind came up with.

But oh had he been wrong.

No matter what- now his lips just didn't curl into that familiar grin anymore.

He couldn´t-

The question had taken over his mind before he knew.

Agonizing it pestered him to the point he really started thinking about it.

The point where he couldn´t stop thinking about it.

The point where he got desperate.

Why...

What a useless question.

He kept asking, and not asking, he even tried to simply ignore it.

How foolish. Despite the useless attempt the thought kept lingered in his head, even though there was no solution to it.

At least none he could find by himself.

His mind kept torturing to the point where he wondered if his brain had a sadistic personality that would make it enjoy such things.

However, the question was not why he wanted to die.

The questions was-

Why should he live?

…

Slowly he inhaled, taking in the cool night air of Shinjuku.

… he just couldn´t make sense of it anymore.

It seemed pointless.

Empty.

In fact everything seemed empty…

He looked down the building, countless lights were swirling past his sight- the city really did never sleep.

There was just no stop, no pause in this ruthless world.

So why? If the world kept moving forward, no matter what his insignificant self was doing, no matter whether he was even living-

What was the point of it?

Why was he even here? What good did come from it?

...

Expressionless, he stood there. His furry coat swaying softly in the wind.

Staring.

Just staring.

He could see the city- from high up. He was standing on an abandoned apartment complex.

Night had awoken, but the lights still illuminated the darkness.

Softly he exhaled, blowing some warm air into the cold night.

Why he chose to do it this way?

He didn´t know. His legs had carried him here before he even realized it.

He didn´t even notice when the thoughts came back creeping into his mind. From one second to the other he just found himself here.

True… he had wondered before. He had thought about it before.

It wasn't as if all of a sudden he had taken a final decision.

He was just here.

Standing. Staring. Wondering.

But did it even matter?

He was here, that´s a fact. And he was glad.

No matter what he did, there it is, there it was, there it would always be, that overwhelming feeling of grief, hopelessness this constant phrase repeating in his head.

Die.

Give up.

Let it be.

Followed by pain.

Nothing but immense pain, pain that wasn´t from a physical cause, but deeply embedded into the core of his soul. Crushing every last bit of light and let it be taken over by filthy darkness.

Closing the door, or curtains, and rolling up the blanket over his head because he just couldn´t stand the feeling, did little to nothing at all.

It was still there. Always.

Always.

He couldn´t shake it off.

It was following no matter where he went.

It was sitting there, in the core, grinning evil, so cruel, so ugly, so accusing.

Was it his fault it was there? Was it punishment?

What was wrong with him to feel this way?

Just so utterly.. defeated.

Just defeated.

Empty.

For him the lovely thing called life- has become a burden too hard to carry.

Too difficult to continue partaking in it.

He wanted to step out. Close his eyes, and get away.

It was not that he didn´t want to live anymore, no not even, that´s not the point. It´s just that he didn´t want to live the life he was living now.

The life, that tortured him with pain and demise.

It was not right.

It didn´t make him happy.

It didn´t elevate him.

It just hurt him, to the point he couldn´t take it anymore.

He hated it.

He hated everything.

Every accusing second.

Every painful breath.

Every stab to his soul.

He has had enough.

Enough of everything.

With weary feet, he climbed over the railing of the high-rise.

It was windy, he felt tempted to just let his hands let loose- but simultaneously... he felt the need to hang on.

Was he scared? Scared of falling down?

Scared of the pain, maybe?

The unavoidable pain he would feel when his head crashes into the hard pavement and ends his life?

The tight grip on the iron railing told him so.

How paradox.

Considering he was going to jump down there in a few seconds.

And so he stared. His hands were sweaty and cold.

He stood uptight and inhaled deeply.

The wind, was softly brushing past his head. Cooling his thoughts and calming his heart.

He let go of the railing and sneaked the hands into his pockets.

Then he stood there.

On the edge.

Hands firmly stuck in the coat.

As if on cue the wind picked up blowing as if it wanted the raven to hurry up.

Almost ironic.

It was the same wind as last time.

3 months ago, he told Kamichika Rio to jump from here. He made fun of her intentions to die.

He played with her mind, wanted to force her to jump.

3 months ago, he didn´t feel this way.

3 months ago, he felt fine.

3 months ago this monster wasn't in possession of his soul.

How come it was now?

He didn´t get the reason.

Why now?

Now, that his thoughts trailed back, he didn´t know what he was thinking back then.

He couldn´t sympathize with his former self anymore.

It felt alien.

It was as if it had been another person walking through his life so far.

One he couldn´t sympathize with or understand at all.

He didn´t know how to not want to die anymore.

He didn´t know why he wanted to die.

He just wanted to.

Desperately.

It was calling to him.

The moment he woke up, every second he breathed, with every word he spoke- the thought was following him constantly.

Die.

Just die.

Die.

Die already.

There was no specific trigger no specific thought.

Just nothing.

Nothing, yes.

Emptiness.

He felt empty.

Like a shell, washed on the shore.

His eyes were dull, his words had no soul.

Did he himself even have a soul?

He would have denied it if it weren´t for the pain.

Why was he feeling pain?

Why did it hurt so much to push on?

What did he do wrong, why did he feel it every second of his life?

What had he done to deserve this feeling?

This urge, this strong urge to die?

He wanted it to stop.

To please, please finally stop.

Yes, he wanted it to stop.

Paradox.

He wanted to stop the thoughts that told him to die.

And chose to just do exactly that.

To shut them up- he would die.

Was he obeying? Was he giving in? Was it something he subconsciously wished for?

He didn´t know.

He just wished for this feeling to disappear.

If he had the chance to choose, he would prefer living like he did before.

Living just like when he was a child.

Living like he did 3 months before.

Living like that again.

Living like he did before these thoughts ever came up.

But he couldn´t.

The thought...

It was haunting him

It didn´t let him alone

It didn´t let him sleep

It didn´t let him be happy

It didn´t let him breath.

He felt suffocated.

Every breath he took became more and more of a chore.

He felt nothing but pain.

Constant tightness in his chest.

Cold.

Nothing but the wish to die.

He couldn't do this anymore.

He couldn´t bear the pain.

He couldn´t bear living.

An end. Yes an end.

He would put an end to it now.

Slowly he leaned forward, looking down the high rise.

The bloodstain he spotted so nonchalantly last time, the stain he didn´t even think of much, suddenly held so much more meaning to him.

It was still there.

Just as red and dark as he had memorized it.

It was comforting.

Only now he found himself truly understanding what these people must have been thinking when they chose to leap from here.

Once he touched that stain, it would be gone.

Everything would be gone.

The feeling, the coldness, the pain.

He would be free.

He felt relief. He felt tightness in his chest.

Tears were stinging his face.

Confused, he touched his cheek, catching one of the salty drops.

Why?

Why was he crying?

Why was it hurting so much?

Wasn´t this what he wanted?

... no, it wasn´t what he wanted.

It actually wasn´t.

But it was the only way.

He admitted it.

He lost.

He lost against his himself.

He lost against his own thoughts.

And the tears flowed.

He sat down on the edge, legs hanging off the building. Cold wind was covering him like the death reapers blanket.

There was no need to hurry.

An uncontrollable shiver took over his body.

Why was he trembling?

He was not scared.

He was calm.

Unnaturally calm.

Nothing seemed to matter anymore.

Nothing.

He had chosen this.

He had accepted his loss.

His vision was clouded and his body felt numb.

Was it the tears? Was it that he just finally didn´t care anymore?

One last time he looked around the city.

One last time he listened to the sounds it gave off.

One last time he breathed in the polluted air.

One last time, he felt the shiver, rupturing through his body.

Shaking his existence to the very core.

And then he pushed-

.

.

.

and fell.


	2. Drip drop drip

Hello there Minna san~!

Now first off-for all those that have been following my stories for quite a while and are used to my old updating style, I will change that in this story and the future ones to come. Instead of writing one huge chapter (5000-6000+ words) per week, I will write 2 chapters (2500-3000+ words each) per week.

It won´t change the story flow in the slightest, but believe me, it´s way easier for me to write this way Cx Especially for those awkward line breakers when some time passes in the middle of the chapter this is perfect xD Or for cliffhangers hehe~

Well then with that being said:

Welcome to this story/ the second chapter~!

Even though it started as a one-shot, this story is going to have a massive amount of chapters now. At least I´m planning to write a lot xD I hope I can keep up the quality and detail and that not too many of my readers forgot this story already since I waited so long with the continuation xD

It will be sad, fluffy, comforting of course, but also triggering maybe (since one of my readers asked I´m going to clarify this here as well: Triggering is when something that is read causes someone who has suffered a traumatic event to once again feel the emotions they felt during the time of their traumatic experience. It can sometimes make someone feel helpless or afraid or return back to depression etc.) Please do keep in mind that it definitely won´t be something "nice" to read at first. I´m dealing here with the topic of depression and suicide, and all the things that come with it after all. So, be prepared for rather dark chapters as well.

For now I listened to your wish and made Izaya survive this "downfall"-

For now~ You will have to see what I´m going to do with my flea now. I will give my best to keep this story going as it is cx And not get worse xD

Well then enough blabbering for now I guess~

Thank you for correcting rainstorm 2122! *^*

Enjoy~

.

.

.

ஜ Chapter 2: Drip.. drop.. drip.. ஜ

-Izaya´s point of view-

… It was cold...

So cold… and… wet?

He could feel tiny drops of water drop on his body.

Drip drop drip

Many, many drops. Softly thrumming against his skin and running down his frame, only to soak his already wet clothes even more.

Cold drops.

That was the first thing Izaya noticed as he regained his senses slowly.

A smell he couldn´t exactly pinpoint filled his nostrils and he cringed.

This smell… a little acid from the rain and filthy from his surroundings.

He could smell.

A frown carved itself on his face and for a second he wished he was just imagining things. He wished he was just hallucinating but of course that wasn´t-

He felt dizzy.

His eyes were still closed.

... he didn´t want to open them..

Not yet...

Please… just... not yet…

Raindrops collected at the tip of his nose, softly dripping down.

Drip drop drip

He wasn´t ready to face his failure yet.

He knew it.

He wasn´t stupid.

But he was too much of a coward to accept reality.

… not yet…

Just... just a moment he wanted to relish in this dream... In this wonderful dream...

He still felt light...

So incredibly light…

His body felt as if it had parted from his soul and he was free.

This dream...

Why…?

His eyes were still closed, but it didn´t keep the sting from tears to spare his eyes.

He could already feel a lump build in his throat as he tried to hold back showing this human emotion.

He knew it…

He knew…

He was still alive…

Slowly the water ran down his body, joining the dozens of puddles on the floor.

Why did it have to be a dream?

... Why had it not been reality..?

He was stupid. He could have made it reality.

He could have done it for real.

But no …

He chose to do it this way...

A way that didn´t even work...

A soft whimper escaped his lips as he started to move.

His whole body hurt.

How long had he been lying on the floor like this?

Only slowly he managed to push himself up and lean against the old wall of a building.

His entire being was trembling from coldness.

The dream was over...

The peaceful feeling vanished with every second he spent thinking.

Every agonizing second he realized he was still alive.

If he could just go to sleep again…

Slowly he cracked one eye open.

It was dark.

Well… as dark as it could be considered he was in an alley in the middle of Ikebukuro.

The alley was empty. Just as it had been before he came here.

Seriously…

He bet people would have mistaken him for garbage if they had seen him, the way he laid in the trash between the containers.

Maybe they would think he was a rag doll that had been thrown away.

Heh… he kind of like that description of himself.

A broken rag doll.

Sounded like it suited his state of mind right now.

Drip drop drip

An icy feeling traveled up his spine and he felt himself shiver slightly.

He was completely soaked. He could feel himself starting to tremble under the freezing drops that continued to relentlessly pound onto his slender frame.

A much more slender frame than it had ever been… he could see it clearly in the broken window opposite to where he sat.

Cracks were running like a spider web through the broken glass, but it still reflected the raven´s frame well enough.

…when had he even eaten the last time…?

He couldn´t remember.

Not that it was important.

Just a thought that struck his head.

It was hard finding anything that didn´t taste like paper anymore.

A weary sigh dripped from his pale lips and he rubbed the dark circle surrounding eyes.

Sleep deprivation had made them lose all of their former glint.

Heh... he knew where he was.

He knew where he was far too well.

Hadn´t he walked here himself a few hours before?

An expression of pain flashed over his tired eyes when he looked towards the white bottles next to him in the trash.

Heh... if people had seen that they would have probably thought he did drugs.

Not that they were worth it.

He tried it.

All they did was cause him more numbness and more thoughts that he didn´t need to think about even more.

Heightening of senses also wasn´t something he particularly needed right now thank you very much.

Sad he stared at the empty bottle on the wet ground.

No it weren´t drugs.

Softly he lifted his arm of the ground. Wet drops of water dripped from his hair and nose tip at the movement as he reached towards the little thing.

But strength soon enough left him and he dropped the arm to the ground with a sigh.

.. great..

He didn´t manage to end it but he sure managed to render himself motionless...

Usually a situation like that, it would have driven him insane.

Not being able to control his own body... not being able to control what would happen to him, who would find him, not knowing what would happen next-

Giving up this sort of control... it would have scared him shitless a while ago.

But what did it matter now?

What did it matter, when he wasn´t even in control of his own thoughts anymore?

When he couldn´t even manipulate his own feelings anymore?

He should feel frustration.

He should felt fear.

Maybe even anger for not succeeding.

He should cry.

Oh wait.

He was still crying.

The sting in his eyes reminded him too gladly.

But he didn´t feel it anymore.

They just dripped on their own down his face.

Just like in that dream.

That wonderful dream.

Now that he thought of it, he could have predicted that he was going to dream about things like this.

He had passed out, thinking he would die. Of course his brain would have to reappraise that experience.

Why he was still crying was a riddle to him though.

Maybe his body was as confused as himself.

It probably didn´t know what to do with this mush of feelings.

Maybe it even hurt by watching him and what he did.

Could the body cry because of what the owner did?

A strange thought indeed.

He shouldn´t mention it to anyone.

Not like anyone would even listen.

He tilted his head back, softly leaning it against the hard stone wall of the building.

It was still raining relentlessly.

Without stopping, the cool water dropped on his face, running down his jaw and down to his clothes.

...he must have been sitting here quite long considering how soaked he was.

He would have checked one of his phones for the time… if he hadn´t left them all at his apartment.

Not that he needed them anymore.

But this way.

He only knew it was dark.

It had been light when he walked here.

Really now…

He felt a sting in his eyes and closed them once more blurriness taking over his sight.

Why didn´t anyone look into this alley?

Anyone would do.

He had hurt and threatened so many people in his life.

Just one of them… if one of them had dropped by he would be dead now...

Finding the great informant of Ikebukuro sleeping on trash... he could be dead by now…

He swallowed hard, a lump forming in his throat once more.

He should have guessed something like this would happen.

Of course.

Because why should he be allowed to leave peacefully?

He had taken all of them. Sleeping pills, headache pills, painkillers, cough pills, everything.

Just swallowed it down.

One after the next.

Because… taking so many pills at once, let alone the sleeping pills, he would have had to die from them no? He thought he would…

And then …

He didn´t remember quite well.

He fell asleep didn´t he?

He fell onto the trash.

He had walked through Ikebukuro one last time, taking in the sight of all these humans that used to entertain him.

He had slipped into an alley when he felt his vision fade didn´t he?

Why though…

Why so cruel...

He thought he would be dead by now.

He really thought he would…

So why?

What was it that wanted him to suffer so much?

What was it the made him dream a dream like this?

What was it that showed him what he wanted?

That showed him how nice, how peaceful, how painfree he could feel?

Only to drag him back here.

And basically fuck him all over yet again.

Fate? Destiny?

Some cruel joke from a god?

Dreaming something as relieving as that something as delighting, something...

He felt so free...

He felt so light.

He felt like he finally was going to rest.

There was not a single shred of regret.

His mind had been at ease.

He had really been at ease... he was ready... so damn ready..

So, why…?

Why…

He choked, tears streaming down his face as he slapped a hand over his mouth.

He was doing this city, no this whole world, a favor by what he was doing, so why?

What was it that was playing with him like this?

He was so sick... he was tired of this... he didn´t want anymore.

He didn´t want anymore, okay?

He just…

He tried to hold back a hiccup.

He could taste salty tears flowing over his shivering fingers.

They were hot... Way hotter than the icy rain.

Almost felt as if they were burning.

He just had to wake up, didn´t he?

So why didn´t he at least feel better?

Why?

Kamichika Rio threw herself off this building.

Celty caught her and then she stopped being suicidal. Her depression even stopped.

She went back to her family.

She pretty much looked like she was enjoying life again at this point in time.

So why?!

Why…?

Why wasn´t he feeling a shred better...?

He was tired…

So fucking tired… tired of everything.

…

Softly he let his hand wander off his mouth.

The tears had stopped flowing as hard though they were still there.

Heh... who knew? Maybe he had been crying in his sleep too. Wouldn´t be the first time he woke up to a wet pillow.

He let his hand wander down into his jacket´s pocket.

He was too tired.

Too tired to get up, too tired to go home and rot away like a dead corpse anymore.

He had made his decision. And he wasn´t going to back out from it.

He finally decided that he was done. So he would be gone today.

He brushed his fingers along the familiar texture of the inside of his pocket.

A soft frown crossed his face, and he felt tears well up anew as a sense of panic filled him.

It wasn´t there?

A lump formed in his throat and he swallowed dryly.

No way.

Where…?

Still having his slowed down movement Izaya raised his other hand, softly touching the inside of his other pocket.

Gone.

It wasn´t there...

His eyebrows knitted into a tight line as he tilted his head backward, thumping it softly against the rough wall.

His knife wasn´t there anymore.

Just why...

He has had it with him. He always had it with him.

So, why now…?

He opened his eyes again and looked around.

He had fallen into the thrash, didn´t he?

He sure did judging his position when he woke up.

It had to be here...

Slight movement ruptured through his body and he tried to get on his knees.

He felt paralyzed.

Every body part he wanted to move took ages before it even reacted.

He just wanted his knife...

His hand splashed into one of the pits as he tried to move.

He could end it this way too.

No problem. It wasn´t as if he cared about the cause of his freedom.

Finally he pushed himself off the ground, getting on his knees-

Instantly regretting it-

A wave of nausea crashed into him hard-

His hand shot forward to his mouth and he doubled over. His head hit the concrete hard as he cradled his arms around his stomach.

It hurt-

It fucking-

His expression contorted into a pained one as he emptied himself on the street.

Once twice-

He couldn´t stop the retching. The bitter taste of bile filled his senses and the acid burning in his throat as tears sprang to his eyes.

Nothing was inside his stomach to throw up anyway.

Only blurry he made out the surroundings of dozens of familiar pills, reappearing before him.

His stomach hurt.

It hurt so bad.

The nausea didn´t stop.

He squeezed his eyes shut, dizziness, nausea, coldness, everything attacking him at once.

The world was suddenly spinning so bad.

He felt like crap.

How... how did he deserve this?

A smile crossed his trembling lips, never making it to his eyes though.

He didn´t meet Shizuo did he?

He just remembered.

He wondered... when he was on his way to Ikebukuro, he had wondered if the brute would react the same way he did yesterday.

Would he?

He had made pretty clear last time that even he was done with his crap.

Heh... even he…

Fed up. No not even fed up.

Just didn´t care anymore.

Not even him.

Everyone was done with his shit. And those that weren´t, didn´t entertain Izaya anymore either.

Nothing did.

He took in a deep breath. Trying to chase the sick feeling away.

The smell around this place didn´t exactly help though-

Suddenly something caught his attention.

It was silver.

And slightly shimmered in the night.

The light of a shop opposite to the alley was reflected in it.

A wave of relief, even something close to happiness flowed through the raven´s body as he recognized the gleaming object.

His knife.

It was laying in front of him on the ground.

He knew it had to be close.

Finally.

Finally...

Slowly he reached out for the beloved object.

A sense of calmness filled his senses as he touched the cool metal.

Finally...

Everything was going to be alright.

He could go to sleep again.

This time he would make sure not to wake up again.

Softly he wrapped his fingers around the black handle of his flick blade.

He leaned forward, slumping against one of the containers as he looked at the silver.

His head leaned softly at the cool, wet metal box.

And then he reached out his left hand.

Sluggishly he peeled off the wet sleeve off his wrist.

A scarred wrist. Many, many lines had been beautifully drawn there. Aligned all over, up to his elbow.

He knew there were even more.

His head hanging low and water collecting around him in large pits he moved the cold knife.

It felt icy against his skin.

Softly he pressed down.

A familiar sting welcomed him as he felt the raw skin being tormented.

And then he moved it.

Slowly.

Forward, backwards.

A feeling of familiarity, of something akin to calmness filled his senses.

He could feel it hurt.

A droplet of blood collected as he broke the skin and it smeared along the blade as he moved it.

It hurt.

It burned, it burned really bad.

He could feel his hand shaking.

But it was the only thing he cared about right now.

He could actually feel the pain in his head subsiding and being replaced by this one, this much more real one.

The one that he could actually feel. That he could control.

He could control this kind of pain.

It was logical, it was manipulative, it was just real.

He swallowed and pressed the knife down harder.

More.

More of the pain. More of that crimson that flowed down his arm.

He could feel the skin rip slowly and painfully as the blade was sliding along the cut. Warmth was draining out of his wrist.

He knew he hadn´t even cut his vein yet. But blood was already flowing, slowly the drops collected at the bottom of his elbow and dripped to the floor.

Drip drop drip

Mixing with the water and disappearing in the liquid.

And then he pushed a little harder.

It hurt.

It seriously burned.

More than usual.

He felt sudden anger rise in him, a feeling he hadn´t felt in ages.

He didn´t even know why, or at whom, he just did.

Because he was forced to resort to this?

But at whom would he be angry? Himself? For being this way?

A shiver travelled down his spine.

Heh, he had never done it deeper than this.

It felt good.

It felt so good.

Just a little bit more and then-

"…flea…?"

Dun Dun Dunnnn-

Well I hope I didn´t disappoint you with the second chapter cx I purposely avoided a simple solution like someone catching him off the roof, or Celty being there or similar things, because I read that a lot already and I do wanna write new stuff hehe cx

I hope you "liked it". And no I´m no saddist. Poor little Izzy 3 he is gonna get help cx or not…? xD OH fuck it I am evil xDD I admit it xD

Well then~ chu better get hyped for:

Chapter 3: Interruption due to 6thDecember2015 (Don't be confused by my changing of chapter titles xD I just rearranged the story a lil~ cx might happen more often xD )

PS.: By the way xD Would anyone of you be hyped for a Durarara x Bleach crossover? xD I was thinking of writing one, probs will in the future, was just wondering if there would be people reading that xD

I will only write that after I wrote all the stories that are on my poll xD Just saying, Im talkign about fuuuutureee here xDDD like, in two years or so xDDD

-As a short summary, basically Shizuo is a lonely hollow espada in hueco mundo, and Izaya lost his memories (for a certain reason- eyebrow wiggle wiggle~ me and my secret pasts xDDDDD) and wakes up there knowing nothing except his name.- meeting hollow Shizuo first thing of course~ cx


	3. Interruption

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helllooo and welcome to the third chappy. Cx Awww I'm really glad you liked the last chapter- I feared it might have disappointed you but oh was I wrong *^*
> 
> I really love you my dear readers~!
> 
> Sorry for updating so late ;^; Im kinda- really sick right now – have been the whole past week bleh- But I hope all these gross medics will get me well again soon xD
> 
> Thank you for correcting this chappy my dear beta, Rainstorm 2122~! *^*
> 
> Now then, this time things are going to be a bit different. You are going to get to know things from Shizuo´s point of view cx Something not depressing for once in this dark scenery – well until he meets Izaya-
> 
> If that´s a good thing or not, and what he does then- well you will see~
> 
> Enjoy~! *^*

ஜ Chapter 3: Interruption ஜ

\- Shizuo´s point of view. Earlier that day.-

Heh… it won´t stop now, will it?

Shivering slightly, Shizuodropped his by now third smoked cigarette on the floor. It made a slight swishing noise as it fell into one of the many puddles on the street. Soflty the smoke flew away, being carried by the wind.

People were running by, some hiding beneath their coats, some walking leisurely with their umbrella as the rain continued pouring heavily from dark clouds.

A little tired Shizuo stared up into the sky.

It wouldn´t even stop raining for a mere second, would it?

He had been standing under the small roof of this coffee shop for a while now. Hoping that the rain would pause for a moment so he could go home without getting too wet.

Well, by now his clothes were soaked anyway though and he considered walking home through the rain instead of waiting for the weather to clear anymore.

Sighing, he let himself lean against the wall of the coffee shop. A hand found it´s way into his wet hair and he ruffled through it in an attempt to get some of the water out.

Tom had let him off work a little earlier that day.

As usual. Recently he kept letting him off earlier on Fridays.

Shizuo didn´t really know if he did that because he wanted to be nice or because there really just wasn´t much work to do.

He had a feeling he just wanted him to loosen up and go out or something.

He kept saying those things after all. That maybe he could control himself better if he socialized more. Especially when that flea popped up again.

He would always sigh and mumble things like, "calm down Shizuo", or "don´t ruin too much stuff Shizuo".

Tch, if that flea simply didn´t come to Ikebukuro he wouldn´t even have any reason to try to keep calm.

He felt anger well up in him automatically as he thought about that louse. It was everything his fault.

Everything. Even…

… annoyed Shizuo´s former angry expression turned into a frowning, but rather calm one and he pinched the brigde of his nose slightly in an attempt to keep cool-

Yeah even that.

He loosened his tight grip on the cigarette pack, he had been holding, slightly.

Undoubtedly it was now squeezed into a rather messy form.

… that flea...

When he thought about what happened yesterday… the flea didn´t even have anything to do with it, and yet-

He hadn´t even been in Ikebukuro for a while and still-

He felt anger well up in him once more.

He was a monster. He felt like a freaking monster.

Not Izaya.

He himself.

He fucking felt like a real monster.

He closed his eyes behind his sunglasses.

He had never felt like that. He remembered the incident with the bakery woman. He remembered every fucking time he had hurt anyone he cared about, Shinra or his brother or Simon, even though he usually chose to fight with him.

But what happened yesterday…

It just didn´t leave his mind.

He had never felt this much like a real monster.

Like something that should be locked away somewhere.

Everyone had stared at him- they thought he killed Izaya or someone else.

Hell his own body churned when that vending machine actually hit it´s destination.

He still remembered how sick he felt. Down right sick- sick to his stomach.

He hated himself for that.

It wasn't like.. like he had never considered hitting his goal but..

He didn´t-

"Fuck-" Shizuo swore under his breath as he pushed himself away from the wall and took off into the icy rain. He could feel it drop heavily on his skin and run down his hair and neck, making him shiver.

Maybe the cool rain could actually help him to cool off.

Because it just didn´t leave him alone, that feeling.

That day… he really thought…

That flea… It was all his fault!

Annoyed he started running.

If he didn´t exist then he wouldn't have to feel this way now-!

He wouldn´t have to feel like this-!

One day… fuck one day he might even become a murderer by accident!

He knew he should calm down, he knew getting angry was exactly the wrong thing he should do now, but he just could not stop his blood from boiling everytime he thought about that evil grin of his.

He reacted almost on instinct to it!

It was almost as if the flea had him under his control, as if he were one of his freaking pawns!

Fuck.

He hated it-!

He bet if Izaya had seen what happened yesterday, if he had just seen what he did before the flea actually ran into him- he would have laughed.

That louse would have freaking laughed his ass off-

"Tch-" he stopped annoyed, quickly fishing a cigarette out of his pocket and tried to light it, only to frown as he noticed that they were now all wet from the rain.

He had decided then to keep his calm now. He had decided to treat the flea like air.

He even succeeded once in doing that.

One fucking time he managed to- because he couldn´t chase away that image.

Not when it happened just a few minutes before.

He had been in too much shock to react to Izaya´s taunts.

So he had actually managed to talk to the flea.

For the first time in his life most probably, but he did it.

Seriously. Without getting into a rage or anything.

When he said he was done chasing the flea, Izaya had looked like a kid who´s favorite game had been taken away.

That kind of really made him feel good for a second there.

He succeeded.

Once.

He doubted he could pull that off again.

For now the flea wasn´t there. But the next time…

... he just knew how their next meeting would end again.

They would end the usual way. Him destroying half of Ikebukuro, his debts raising even more, and Izaya getting away as usual.

… or not…

…

He didn´t want to become a murderer.

His steps had slowed down by now.

The rain had not.

Drip drop drip

If it went on like this there would be some flooding warnings on the radio again.

…

Absentminded, he turned around the corner. The streets were already covered in water and the various lights from the shops on each side were being reflected in it like a mirror.

Only a few cars driving along the road were disturbing the picture.

His favorite bakery was just closing. A woman was standing in front of it and bringing down the metal grid. She noticed the blond and slightly nodded her head in a gesture of greeting.

Not that they had ever really talked, but Shizuo was buying sweet things there about every day so she was prone to know him by now. Well apart from his reputation all through the city of course.

Shizuo nodded back politely.

Then he glanced at his watch.

Barely half past 5.

Man it sure got dark fast in winter season.

They hadn´t gotten any snow yet but the temperature had dropped noticeable.

Stuffing his hands into his, not yet wet inside, pockets he strolled down the street.

Various people were standing in front of the shops, some of them wearing gloves already and drinking something that looked like either hot chocolate or coffee.

Probably coffee, Shizuo thought, cringing he a little. He hated the bitter taste it left on his tongue. Actually drinking it wasn´t too bad, but that taste that remained in his throat afterwards-

Nope.

Not to his liking at all.

He was about to turn around another corner, to walk into the direction of his own apartment, when something else caught his attention.

Or better someone else.

The bakery woman from before was standing in front of her shop.

But she wasn´t closing it up anymore- instead she had gotten one of her co-workers and was pointing over to the other side of the street.

She had a serious expression on her face, and the way the guy that was with her looked like, there was something not too nice in that alley.

Shizuo frowned, a vein instantly popping on his forhead as he looked down the street.

He bet it was some sick bastard that harassed her- maybe even a stalker.

Before he knew it his feet had already started to move down the street.

People like that pissed him off! Following innocent girls and scaring the shit out of them just because they weren´t right in their fucking minds!

Everyday he had to deal with that scum- with men who hit their women, men who cheated on them- men who wouldn´t leave them alone after divorce or some shit-

Kill kill kill kill-

Already ready to beat the guy up that was scaring the poor girl over there he swiftly turned around the corner-

And came to a halt immediately.

It was a dark alley.

The asphalt had torn apart in some places and earth was leaking through the cracks- making the puddles on the ground brown and dirty.

Garbage cans were standing on one side and various plastic bags filled with waste were laying around on the floor.

And in the middle fo this whole picture, there was indeed a man.

But it was neither a stalker nor someone who harassed that girl.

For a second Shizuo could just stand there and stare.

That guy had a knife in his right hand.

That guy was cutting his left arm with it.

That guy was-

"…Flea…?"

… he didn´t exactly know what he was seeing there.

This was the flea.

No doubt.

It was Izaya. That trademark coat he was always wearing, with that damn fluff on its ends and that knife, let alone the person itself.

That was Izaya.

No mistake.

That was sure, but-

No way.

The moments these words had left Shizuo´s lips Izaya head snapped up to meet his eyes.

Fuck it was the flea.

A blink, then another followed, as the raven stared at him and Shizuo was just too damn surprised to even say anything.

The anger that had rested inside him while he was on his way to beat someone´s ass had disappeared in a second. And that even though it was the flea, Izaya Orihara, that was sitting, no, that was almost laying there, leaning on a wastebin.

But Izaya didn´t say anthing. He just stared at him, occasionally blinking and looking at the blond.

He didn´t even flinch away, he didn´t even jump in surprise.

He just didn´t even freaking react-!

He just sat there as if he was waiting for something.

Staring at him with wide eyes.

What the hell was he even waiting for?!

Shouldn´t he be throwing some shitty remarks at him already?! Something smart and witty to piss him off?!

It almost seemed as if he asked Shizuo to do something, as if he expected the blond to react in a certain way, the way he stared at him with those crimson eyes of his.

It fucking looked as if he wanted Shizuo to do something.

Blood was slowly dripping down his ellbow and dripping into one of the stinking puddles.

The stench itself in this alley was something in itself anyway.

It smelled sour as if someone threw up here recently.

That whole scenery in itself just made no fucking sense to the blond.

And just that pissed him off again already.

"What the hell are you doing louse-?!" the question finally slipped off his lips, filled with way more malice than the blond had intended to, as he stared at Izaya´s arm, because it pretty damn well looked as if Izaya was cutting his wrist with his own knife-

And suddenly the expression on Izaya´s face changed.

As if Shizuo had finally given Izaya some kind of hint, a script, of what to do, it suddenly changed.

In a more than just creepy way.

He started smiling. All of a sudden his before completely expressionless face relaxed and his lips curled into a grin.

And then-

He started to fucking laugh.

The hand that had been holding the knife dropped to his side while the other kept still its place on his lap.

"Shizu-chan what a coincidence!" he suddenly declared still laughing, his eyes closing and he threw his head back against the metal garbage container.

An empty sounding thud was to be heard while Shizuo could really do nothing than just stare at the raven for a second.

And for the first time in his whole life Izaya actually kept quiet too.

He just kept sitting there in that position, not moving, just resting his head like that, letting the rain wash his face.

Waiting. Again.

Shizuo frowned. Something about this whole thing was just so plain wrong, but he couldn´t even pinpoint what it was.

"…I asked what the hell you are doing." He repeated once more, causing the informant to move again.

It almost seemed as if Izaya was some sort of puppet, only reacting to Shizuo´s instructions and nothing else.

Izaya snickered again, his eyes opening and he cocked his head to the side.

"Shizu-chan sure likes to interrupt others business." He commented snarkily, the reply dripping off his lips almost like venom.

Shizuo frowned at the glare Izaya was sending him for asking the question again.

He was just confused as fuck.

The flea was nuts.

Laughing at a queston, and then acting as if Shizuo said the most offending thing on earth a second later when he asked exactly the same question anew- he didn't even want to waste time to try and make sense of the flea´s acting.

What he knew was what he was seeing.

Izaya was laying in a stinking alley cutting his own arm.

"Why are cutting your-" …suddenly he paused, his eyes narrowed to slits and he glared at the flea. Almost instantly his fists tightened as he finally realized.

Of course.

Of damn fucking course-

That fucking damn flea.

Interrupting his business huh?!

Within a second Shizuo had come to a, for him logcal sounding, conclusion-

"You cut your arms to fucking frame someone for doing it and make them pay you so you can leech of them, right?!", he spat, the question not even sounding like a question, but a statement.

Because the second the idea popped up he knew it had to be true.

The flea was always planning something.

Everytime he was acting weird he was planning something and everytime he did, it involved him somehow-

He didn´t even pay any attention to the almost surprised expression the flea was showing by now.

All a fucking act, he knew it from their encounters, that fucking flea was never surprised, if he acted surprised then only to mock him for "being smarter than he thought"- he bet he had even known that Shizuo would show up here at this time and waited for him, he had just put himself in this alley like that to fucking confuse him-!

Of course!

That´s why he had been laughing just now!

Because everything was just a fucking game to him!

And suddenly another even more dreadful connection formed in his brain causing a vein to pop on his forhead.

"You want to frame me?!" Izaya´s eyes widened a fraction wider, heh, he didn´t think he would be able to deduct that much, huh?!

Of course-

That had to be it.

That freaking sick-

A sigh suddenly reached Shizuo´s ears and the informant shifted in his seat, trying to sit himself up more properly. He closed his eyes, the smile from before being replaced, yet not entirely replaced, by something that almost looked like a frown.

Tch of course he would frown. Shizuo had looked through his fucking stupid plan.

"Heh. Certainly sounds like me." He almost whispered.

A growl erupted from Shizuo´s throat at the answer and he punched the wall next to him.

Hard-

Of course it sounded like the flea. That was what he always did after all.

"You piss me off." He spat making the raven look at him with something akin to surprise.

"Oh, didn´t you say you didn´t care anymore? Just yesterday if I remember correctly." He retorted slowly, throwing Shizuo out of concept completely.

He didn´t expect the raven to bring up yesterday.

The fist he had already tightened, ready to punch something again, or someone this time- loosened a bit and he blinked.

There was a huge dent in the buildings wall.

The raven made him do it again.

Again-

"…I don´t." he replied quickly, not even bothering to look at the flea.

He was fucking sick of this. In just a freaking second that flea had made him feel that shitty way again.

As if he knew what happened before they met yesterday.

Heh. He wouldn´t put it beyond him to even have planned that.

"You just said I piss you off." He heard the remark quite well, he could almost feel his blood boil at the thought that he had to contain himself in front of this asshole.

That he actually wanted to hold himself back in front of this shitty louse.

That bastard didn´t even deserve that and yet-

"Just fuck you flea." He growled.

A moment of silence passed the scene.

For a moment Shizuo thought the flea wasn´t going to reply anything, but then he did-

"Hmmm, I don't think that´s possible being done by one person." He glanced up at the flea again, anger flaring up, ready to just go there and punch that fucking stupid flea into his face.

Just to shut him the fuck up.

But somehow he refrained from doing so.

He was just laying there. Cutting his own arm to flame someone else for it.

Laying there, in the trash, probably in someone´s elses vomit-

Just to get a reaction from him-

Pathetic.

".. you make me sick."

In multiple ways.

Eyes turned into tiny slits and the flea almost glared back at the blond.

"Likewise."

Without a word Shizuo took a few steps forward.

The informant didn´t even flinch when Shizuo grabbed his wrist.

"You are fucking insane Izaya. You play with everyone around you as if they were your toys. Just for your entertainment." He spat, tightening his grip on the arm, making the informant drop the knife uncerimonously to the floor.

Clattering it slithered away a little.

For a second Izaya just stared at the knife that was now out of his reach.

Briefly Shizuo wondered if he would try to get up now and get it again to fight him off.

But he was disappointed.

All of a sudden the raven just let himself slump against the container and stared right back at Shizuo.

"Oh please. Don´t even try analyzing me. Nobody understands me anyway — nobody feels the way I do- why should you understand? But don't worry- I won´t be in your way much longer." He shrugged, tilting his head to the side, again staring at his knife.

"Yeah as if. You are going to pester me my whole life right? Im fucking sick of you Izaya." Shizuo growled and let go of the wrist, making it drop to the floor.

The flea didn´t even move the slightest biut.

He just kept staring at the blond.

"Just disappear already. You would do everyone in this city a freaking favour." Shizuo growled . He was done with the flea. If he didn´t go now he would end up doing the same and the same over and over again.

Tom was right.

He had to calm down.

Let that bastard be.

Slowly he walked away, but not without crouching down and picking up Izaya´s blood smeared knife.

He wasn´t going to leave it here so that the raven could either attack him from behind or continue the shit he was doing.

Annoyed he shoved the object into his pocket.

Gross.

"…heh… you aren't even staying? No punch no nothing…? You finally got me cornered you know..." Shizuo had almost reached the end of the alley when those, rather quiet words reached his ears.

"I don't care what you do flea." He stuffed his hands into his pockets.

The woman and the guy in front of the bakery had already disappeared.

They probably saw him going inside here and figured he would take care of whatever.

Better that way.

"…what happened, change of heart? Trying to be human for once? Not killing me when you have the chance…? Why…?" Shizuo didn´t even turn around but he swore the way the raven said that almost sounded desperate.

Heh.

That desperate for some reaction from me, huh?

He wouldn´t. Not anymore.

He refused to turn into a fucking monster.

Not because of him.

"Because you aren´t worth it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> C: Well that much to Shizuo "saving" Izaya, but can you blame him? Having that nice lil informant here to fuck up his whole life, well I doubt he would think that flea that he knows would ever think about anything that could harm his glorious self.
> 
> Too bad Izaya has been way too good at acting the sociopath part- now no-one would even think of this possibility.
> 
> Don´t worry I did say that this contains some fluff, but that will only be later~ xD
> 
> Look forward to:
> 
> Chapter 4: Uncalled action due to 21stDecember 2015


	4. ஜ Gut feeling ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helllooo and welcome to the third chappy. Cx
> 
> Sorry for being so late cx I got really sick- stupid body TAT- Even was in hospital.
> 
> They made awesome X-ray pictures of my lungs *^* They look kinda awesome xDD
> 
> Oh well~ But now I´m completely fine again *0* Almost feared I would still be sick on mwa birthday xD
> 
> Minna- I´m turning old today omg. I mean, 20 isn´t old but- Fuck I´m 20 xDDD
> 
> I´m feeling so old now xD
> 
> Oh well~ Not that I got particularly mature just cuz of my age pffft-
> 
> Anyway~! *^*
> 
> Nawwwwwwww thank you so much my dear readers~ You are so nice to me / I hope this chapter will be to your liking too xD
> 
> Thank you my dear beta Rainstorm 2122 for correcting this~! *^*
> 
> Enjoy~!

\- Shizuo´s point of view. Earlier that day.-

"Tch-" annoyed Shizuo shoved the silver metal back into his pocket.

He didn´t even know why he was still keeping the knife.

It was dirty with Izaya´s disgusting blood- and it wasn´t like he gave a shit about the flea´s belongings.

Yet, there he was, staring at that cursed blade and even holding onto it.

Bloody flea.

Maybe he should throw it at the raven in return the next time they did end up having a fight. He would be surprised for sure if he suddenly found his own weapon flying back at him.

They wouldn´t be doing their chase again anytime soon probably. Even if Shizuo really wanted to cease it, he just knew he would lose his cool again in due time.

There was just this much patience and bad consciencness he had that could hold him back from fighting for a few more meetings.

The flea had known how to aggravate his nerves just right for the past 9 years.

He doubted he would be able to keep calm like he did before, forever.

It fucking pissed him off! He just wanted his peace! But that damn flea just had to always ruin it-!

"Shi-zu-oh~ Violence no good! Violence bad! Eat sushi!"

"Ah-"

Yeah-

And that was exactly what he meant.

Guilty Shizuo glanced down at the table in front of him.

The sushi pieces he had ordered had dropped off the plate and there was a crack in the wooden furniture.

He didn´t even notice he had gripped the table that hard.

"Sorry, Simon." The blond apologized with a sort of annoyed sigh.

He didn´t even intend to do anything violent and yet he ended up destroying something again.

He was at Simon´s sushi restaurant, sitting at one of the farther back tables.

Initially he had wanted to go straight home, but then again, it had been too early for that. He would have just ended up spending the evening at home and eat a cup of noodles or something. So he decided he might as well drop by at Simon´s place.

It had been a while since he last ate here anyway.

"Why so angry Shi-zu-oh?" The Russian man asked while he watched the blond place the sushi pieces back onto his plate.

Because the flea just keeps pissing me off-

"… No real reason. Just thinking about annoying stuff." He answered, using the napkin to wipe away some rice crumbs that had stuck to the wood.

"Ah, Shizuo-san!" blinking Shizuo paused turned his head when a familiar voice reached his ears.

The front entrance of the restaurant had opened and Karisawa and Walker had stepped inside. Erika was wearing her usual long-sleeved dress and the black newsboy cap. Grinning she hurried over to Shizuo the second she spotted him on the table.

"-Man, you really scared me yesterday-!" she laughed as soon as she had reached her destination. Walker followed her quickly, catching up to his otaku friend.

Shizuo shifted uncomforatly in his seat when she mentioned the past day.

… he hated what he did.

"You were there?" Shizuo asked surprised, turning around in his seat. The otaku girl grinned and nodded holding her thumb up.

"Walker and me were just coming out of the manga store when we saw that vending machine fly past us. We saw everything up close, ne, Walker?" the brown haired girl giggled excitedly.

"Right, right~" he agreed, crossing his arms and nodded as well. "Man I really thought you got that guy-! I mean you know, got him for real, like Rize-san would get a human~!" he added, making Karisawa shake her head quickly.

"Nonono, more like that guy got his victim in the first episode of Detective Conan!" she threw in.

"Ohhhhh, you are right!" he agreed, while Shizuo could do nothing but stare at those two.

"Uh…I see…" he mumbled, a little absent minded.

Right… for those two- no. Probably for everyone in Ikebukuro it had looked fucking hilarious.

It had to.

Since nothing serious happened.

And yet-

His eyes darted around as the two started to talk about things that he really had no clue of at all.

They seemed pretty happy continuing their confusing conversation next to him though. But if these two were here, then surely-

"Ah Dotachin~! We are here~!" Karisawa suddenly yelled and waved at mentioned man as he entered the restaurant. He blinked when he spotted Shizuo and came over.

"Yo, Shizuo." Shizuo smiled a little when he saw his friend. He had hoped they were here with him. Seriously, he would be lost if he had to talk to just the two Otakus. They were constantly talking about things that he didn´t understand at all.

"Anyway-! Shizuo-san-! Why did you say you wouldn´t chase Izaya anymore?!" Karisawa suddeny asked him with almost glowing eyes as he was about to talk to Kadota. He frowned when she mentioned the annoying flea.

Why did she have to bring this up?

"…because he is getting on my nerves obviously." He answered simply, feeling himself getting annoyed already yet again.

"But he always did! What changed?!" the otaku asked and if he didn't know better he would almost say she looked like she was pounting.

Shizuo groaned-

Seriously!

"I´m always the one chasing him and yet I never get him! Instead he is the one who cuts me with his knives!" he replied, stabbing one of the poor sushi rolls with his chop sticks repeatedly-

"He fucking pisses me off!" a growl escaped his lips and Karisawa hummed, nodding just in the slightest.

"…. I guess he does cut you a lot during your chases…" Erika admitted, putting a finger on her lips thinking.

"Tch, yeah." Shizuo growled, angrily shoving one of the sushi pieces into his mouth.

Freaking basterd and his stupid blades. How many of them did he even have?!

Now that he thought about it, he really did always end up as the only one that got hurt. Not that those scratches would bother him, but it just pissed him off-

That flea always got away with no scratch at all!

….

He paused for a second.

The image of Izaya… the Izaya from before… flashed through his mind.

… he had cut his arm hadn´t he?

If he thought about it- Shizuo had never landed a hit on Izaya right? But wasn´t Izaya cutting his arm to frame Shizuo, hurting the flea too?

…

In a sense he did make the raven get away with a scratch today.

Thinking the blond chewed on his sushi.

… he didn´t particularly like that idea any more though.

Didn´t feel like he won or something. It felt odd to think about it that way.

Annoying.

It annoyed him to think about it this way- how did he even get that idea-?

That flea fucking annoyed him-

He didn´t even do anything yet and still he annoyed the hell out of him!

"That louse shouldn't just cut others with his knife but slit his own veins instead." He growled angry, making Karisawa perk her ears.

"Slit his veins? Hmmmm, I wonder if he ever cut himself with his knifes? Like when he was training to throw them around like that?" Walker speculated aloud while Shizuo realized he had actually said that aloud just now.

"No suicide joke Shizuo that´s mean!" Karisawa interrupted immediately, casually sitting down in front of Shizuo and looked him straight in the eyes with something akin to a glare on her face.

… well

That wasn´t exactly what he meant- but the city would be better off if he were gone anyway.

What difference did it make if he died or just disappeared?

"Who says I'm joking?" the blond asked, shrugging at the threatening glance. As if the flea would ever put himself out of Shizuo´s life like that.

"Naw, but that´s not true Shizuo-!" Karizawa whined, suddenly shifting in her seat. "You don´t want that!" she declared, making Walker glance at her.

"Karisawa-san-"

Shizuo sighed angry-

"Of course I want that! Would be better if he were just gone from Ikebukuro!" he repeated. Seriously.

Why the hell would he want him to stay?

"Iterashaiiii~!" Karisawa had just been about to reply something, when the loud greeting of Simon reached Shizuo´s ears and he spotted another familiar figure in the restaurant´s entrance.

He smiled when he spotted the dullahan that had entered the building. She was holding something that looked like a small package in her hands and hadn´t spot him yet.

"But, but-! Shizuo-san-! I bet you and Izaya could be super duper best friends and maybe even m-!" blinking he turned back to the little group that had somehow conveniently taken a seat at his table and even ordered sushi by now.

"Ah, what did you say-?" he asked, not having heard what she had been telling him but Walker just kept his hand over Karisawa´s mouth and waved him off.

"Please ignore her."

"I heard Izaya makes suicidal girls jump from buildings."

…

Silence took over the table for a second.

Kadota had said those words, and he didn´t look like he was joking in the slightest.

Shizuo´s eyes turned to angry slits and he felt his fists tighten a little.

"He freaking does what?!" Even Karisawa seemed to be stopping her weirdly excited mood for a little when Kadota said that.

"Woah, for real…?" Walker commented, letting go of the otaku. Kadota nodded solemnly.

"At least that´s what I heard." Shizuo gritted his teeth and slammed his fist on the table- cracking the table just a little bit more.

"Tch, I knew that damn asshole would do anything to make everyone´s life miserable. Make people go into debt, even do something like cut himself and frame other people for it probably. But that?! Tch-"

"Well it could be a rumor for all we know." Kadota threw in, instantly making Karisawa nod in agreement. Even walker seemed to agree judging from the way he oftly nodded his head too.

"Yeah, I don´t think he would be that cruel either." She added, her smile back in place.

As if.

Izaya was an asshole.

A flea.

A shitty louse.

One that kept making people´s lifes miserable just because it was fun.

Making girls jump to their death might as well just be a new form of his sick entertainment!

"But you know cutting himself, would be something only an amateur would do." Walker threw in, swirling his finger in the air and snapping Shizuo out of his thoughts.

An amateur?

"Its obvious nowadays to judge who the injury came from." He added, making Karisawa nod and Shizuo look at him with a confused expression.

"Yeah, I saw that on a new show last time, something about police investigations and how they do it or stuff." Erika commented. Shizuo blinked, trying to comprehend what they said.

Because-

Nononono-

"Wait... you can´t frame anyone by doing that..?" he repeated, trying to know if he got that right. Walker just waved his hand and shook his head repeatedly.

"Noooo. As I said, impossible with today´s technology!"

…

A frown crossed Shizuo´s face at that new piece of information.

That couldn´t be.

It was strange.

Really strange.

Izaya wasn´t an idiot.

And Izaya wasn´t an amateur at anyhing- even if he hated to admit it, the flea was smart. He wouldn´t commit such a stupid mistake.

But then it made no sense.

Because if Izaya couldn´t frame anyone by doing that, then-

…

He was confused.

The two otakus meanwhile had started to ramble about things that he didn´t know a thing of once more. But it wasn´t like he cared, his brai was once again occupied by that stupid louse.

Annoyed he reached into his pockets, pulled out one of his cancer sticks and stood up from his seat. Kadota looked at him questioningly.

"Be right back." He just mumbled quickly and walked away from the table. He seriously needed a smoke now.

The deep frown still in place he stepped out of the building. It was dark and the air had turned pretty cold.

The soft click of his matchmaker re-sounded and he burned the end o his cigarette with the bright flame.

Inhaling deep he took a breath of the cigarette, feeling the soothing nicotine fill his lungs. Yeah that was what he needed now.

At least smoking could calm him down a little.

Things still made no sense, but as long as he could smoke outside in peace it was kind of alright. Why did he even think about it? What good would it do if he found out the raven´s plan? He would just wind up getting mad and storm over to his apartment to beat the crap out of him.

Softly he breathed out, blowing the smoke into the coldness.

He had a feeling even if he weren´t smoking he would be able to see little puffs of air once he breathed out.

He blinked surprised when he felt something touch his shoulder and turned around.

"Celty?"

It was the Dullahan that was standing behind him, and holding out her PDA nonetheless already. He leaned forward a bit, reading what she wrote.

(Hey Shizuo. I´m sorry but …I kind of heard what you four were talking about before.) was written there.

Shizuo blinked at the words. She heard what?

"What do you mean?" he asked, taking another breath of hi cigarette as she typed her reply before showing the message again.

(Kadota is wrong.)

Shizuo exhaled, a frown appearing on his face.

Huh?

Celty´s fingers flew over the keyboard once more, obviously getting that Shizuo didn´t know what she was talking about.

(About those girls Izaya makes jump from that building, he might be an asshole, but he would never kill anyone. Not even allusively.) Shizuo took another breath of his cigarette in an attempt to calm down.

Now even Celty started talking about that flea.

"Don´t even know what that word means, but he makes them jump right? That alone makes him a disgusting louse already!"

Fucking pissed him off- Celty had typed just now that Izaya actually did make them jump, right?

Meaning it was true, right?!

To hell with 'he doesn´t kill people.'

He does and that´s it!

"That bastard, I´m going to fucking mureder hi-!"

(But he always makes sure I´m there to catch them if they jump!) the message was shoved in his face so quickly he didn´t even have time to finish his sentence.

….

A frown appeared on his face as he read those lines.

He makes sure Celty is there? Why?

That made no sense at all.

"What do you mean?" The frown on his face grew even deeper.

Don´t tell me he is trying to frame her for murder by doing that-!

He felt a vein pop on his forhead at that possibility. Maybe he wanted to make her watch them die for whatever sick purposes-!

Maybe to get a new precious reaction-!

He felt his fists tighten as his mind came up with all those flea-ish sounding assumptions that could be the reason for what Celty had written.

But then Celty showed him another message.

(He makes sure that they I catch them with my shadows in case they really do jump. I just want to say, I think he actually wants to help those girls. He is an asshole, but… I don´t think he is as bad as he seems.)

And the anger disappeared, making room for one hell of a confusion.

Izaya? Helping someone?

The thought in itself was something that seemed more than fishy to the blonde.

"Tch-" he hated this-

That fucking flea was bugging him even if he wasn´t there!

First he cuts his arms for whatever fucking reason- and then Celty tells him he saves suicidal girls from jumping to their death?

He didn´t fucking get it.

No matter how he looked at it.

None of the two things made any sense if he thought about the fact that it was Izaya they were talking about.

…

Maybe, in some way there was a weird explanation for the saving girls topic.

But that cutting…

He hated to admit it, but ever since Walker said that it´s impossible to frame someone else like that he couldn´t stop thinking about that picture.

Izaya was cutting his arm.

Was it a trick maybe?

To confuse him? Or watch his reaction?

No.

Shizuo was really confused by now.

He had seen the blood.

He had cut his arm often enough when he got into fights to know what a real cut looked like. To know what real blood like.

The flea had been acting strange as it was already.

Why did he even say the things he said?

He said Shizuo had interrupted his business- and Shizuo thought the flea was hinting to him that he was just playing around.

When Shizuo asked if Izaya wanted to frame him- he had actually looked surprised.

Shizuo thought it was an act but what if it wasn´t?

He said it certainly sounded like him.

He was throwing witty remarks as usual.

He freaking said that he intended to blame him!

…

He paused for a second.

No.

Wait, he didn´t say that.

Shizuo said it sounded like him and Izaya didn´t deny that-

But he didn´t say that´s what he was doing.

…

If he hadn´t been intending to blame him, then why didn´t he say so?

He was always defending himself with a smirk when Shizuo found one of his plans out- trying to cover it up with lies and convince him that Shizuo was only thinking stupid stuff- so why couldn't he defend himself when he was actually being accused of something wrong?

That didn´t sound like Izaya at all.

Just taking the blame for something he didn´t do?

What did he really plan on doing?

What reason could the raven have to hurt himself…?

Just what…

…

He was cutting his arm.

His own arm

He was alone in that alley.

He had looked like shit.

… he had no way of knowing that Shizuo would go to that alley.

He really had no way of knowing that.

He only went there because he had stopped for a second in the streets. He wouldn´t have seen the bakery woman otherwise-

Izaya was alone there.

Something about that just didn´t sit right with him at all.

He couldn´t out a finger on it what it was but now- now all of a sudden this whole scenery seemed way to strange.

He couldn´t chase the thought from his mind that Izaya was alone in that alley.

Celty had showed him a couple more messages but he wasn´t really reading them.

Instead he shoved a hand into his pocket and pulled out the knife.

The blood on it had dried and taken on a brownish colour.

It smelled like blood.

It looked like blood.

It was blood.

….

"Oh please. Don´t even try analyzing me. Nobody understands me anyway — nobody feels the way I do- why should you understand? But don't worry- I won´t be in your way much longer."

…

A really unpleasant feeling made itself present in his stomach when he remembered that sentence.

Something was wrong.

Something was terribly wrong about this whole thing.

His guts told him so-

What did Izaya mean when he said he wouldn´t be in his way anymore…?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> C: Well, well~ Shizzy is starting to use his cute brain ;3 Now what is going to happen next~ I wonder~ xDD
> 
> I got finals in January ewwww- ~
> 
> So I will be hmmmm probably only updating once, or twice. Dependsss- but hey~
> 
> Look forward to: Chapter 5: Save a life! due to 7thJanuary2016
> 
> I will update at that date for sure Cx (maybe will be updating earlier since I got a fucking awesome inspiration and just wrote 1000 words on chapter 5- xDDDDD)
> 
> Have an awesome christmasss~! *^* I will try updating a christmas story on Christmas xD
> 
> Imma work on chapter 33 of "I want to stay with you forever" too and try to update that on 31stDecember2015 hehe cx
> 
> See youu~! *^*


	5. ஜ Desperate ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy~! *^* So we see each other again *^* Sooner than I thought, and you too; I guess xDD Haha I just kinda found myself writing and writing and writing and all of a sudden it was 2 am and a chappy was finished xDD
> 
> Oh well~
> 
> Hehe~ I hope you will like this too / Apparently you did like the last chapter- which surprised me -
> 
> You were all so sweet ;/; Thank you-! 3 3 3
> 
> Hehe I hope you will love this too /  
> Special thanks to my wonderful beta Rainstorm 2122  
> and~ Shadownightes <3 you are so sweet xD Cx <3 
> 
> Enjoy~!

\- Shizuo´s point of view.-

He could already see it from afar- and his legs sped up noticibly.

He didn´t even know why he was in such a hurry- but he just was.

This nagging feeling- he couldn´t shrug it off.

Almost running Shizuo finally reached the corner of the building, turned around it and-

Nothing.

He blinked doubting, once- twice-

He was gone.

The alley was empty.

Slight pants were escaping the blond´s mouth as his eyes darted around.

Everything still looked like it did before.

The garbage sacks were laying on the floor, and the trash cans were still in place.

… there hadn´t been a fight at least.

He left on his own.

But… if not here, then where…. Where had he gone to?

Where was Izaya?

Frowning he stepped out of the alley again and looked down the streets.

The metal of Izaya´s knife felt cool against his palm.

Click clack

He was flipping it open and close.

If he were Izaya- where would he go?

Home?

Possible, but if he ran all the way to Shinjuku only to find the apartment empty, then Izaya could…

No.

He was wrong anyway, wasn´t he?

There was no way that Izaya would…

"Tch-" he started running once more.

He hated this dreadful feeling- this annoying gut feeling as if he were running out of time. As if something bad was about to happen.

It didn´t even make sense- this idea he had come up with that is.

Izaya wasn´t like that- Izaya was Izaya.

And yet-

…

He was just fucking with him, right?

That had to be it but-

He had been alone.

In that alley.

… if Shizuo hadn´t passed by... then what would the flea have done…?

\- Izaya´s point of view. Somewhere in Ikebukuro.-

He was stupid.

Just stupid..

What did he think that brute would do?

Something akin to a smile spread over Izaya´s lips as he thought about their earlier confrontation.

He was really stupid.

The way he had stared at the blond when he caught him redhanded.

Did he actually think Shizuo would be able to see what was going on?

Of course not.

After all, at least as much as it regarded Shizuo, Izaya was completely fine.

An asshole with a god complex but fine otherwise.

Why should he even assume something like this?

Honestly.

What did he expect Shizuo to do.

Save him? Save him from himself?

Slowly the smile faded away, his face turning expressionless once more.

…as if that were possible.

What had he even been waiting for…?

He hated it.

When that blond entered the alley he just-

.. he didn´t even know what he was feeling.

That brute saw him.

He saw him while he dragged a knife across his wrist.

He felt ashamed. That was the first thing he felt.

He wanted to hide, wished he could disappear, in a much more literal sense.

He didn´t want that brute to see.

He had been scared.

At that moment he was just scared. Scared of getting judged.. of hearing things.

He didn´t want to hear anyone´s opinion-

Not on this topic.

He was actually scared Shizuo would be able to see what he was doing.

He just wanted to be gone. He didn´t need to face anyone- he didn´t want to face any assumptions or smart conclusions.

He knew what would come.  
They would just ask him questions, questions he didn´t know an answer to.  
They would accuse him.

They wouldn't understand.

No-one could understand his thoughts- how could they if he didn´t even get this himself?

He didn´t want that.

The relief he felt when the blond asked what he was doing was undescribable.

He felt like someone, who was choking him, had suddenly let go of his neck and he was able to breath.

He laughed. He laughed because he was so relieved.

He was really glad that Shizuo was such an idiot sometimes. Scaringly perceptive as he could be, at that moment he chose to be stupid and Izaya couldn´t thank him enough for that.

Assuming this was some kind of plan, assuming Izaya wanted to frame him- it was the best conclusion Shizuo could have come to.

He himself couldn´t have thought of a better excuse at that moment.

And the blond convenitently presented it on a silver tablet.

… and as sad as it was… it really did sound like him. He couldn´t deny it, he had been what people would call a gigantic asshole his entire life, so it was understandable that this would be the first conclusion Shizu-chan would jump to.

Not that he really minded… life had become so dull, he didn´t even find any reason to dwell on that fact. It wasn´t like anyone ever liked him to begin with.

He still didn´t understand what had gotten into Shizuo though.

He really didn´t.

Nothing changed, at least as far as Izaya knew.

And then all of a sudden- this.

When he told him he was done playing his games, he was just…

He didn´t even know.

It was like the only thing, that distracted him at least a bit, got taken away from him.

The anger was still there.

He had seen it, when Shizuo concluded he was framing him again he had been angry. It was obvious by the way he was clenching his fists.

It was irritating. Izaya had tried, tried to provoke him one more time, by twisting his words- but instead of getting angrier, he got calm.

It was a riddle to him.

Was it that not even he cared about him anymore? Not that he ever did, but Izaya knew as a fact that he had been on the blond´s mind at a daily basis.

He always had, hadn´t he?

Ever since high school-

That was enough, it had always been, and yet-

"I´m fucking sick of you Izaya."

"Just disappear already. You would do everyone in this city a freaking favor."

…

He walked away...

Just like that...

He tried to provoke him once more but..

He still remembered his last words clearly.

"Not killing me when you have the chance? Why…?"

He didn´t even know why he asked. It was a stupid thing to do, wasn´t it?

"Because you aren´t worth it."

…

He should have known the answer from the start.

He was foolish, believing he would receive a different response.

Wearily he looked at the traffic below him.

He refused to kill himself where othes had lept off before.

Who knew?

Maybe he would meet someone there.

It was a popular suicide spot after all.

Maybe he would even survive falling from that height, and live on like a cripple.

There had been cases that ended that way from what he heard.

Only able to blink but not respond in any way.

He didn´t want that.

Trapped in his own body without even the possibility of leaving.

And that´s, why he was here right now.

A soft breeze brushed past him and made his coat flutter in the wind.

It was a bridge. Not really much higher than that building, but beneath it, there were cars.

Lots of them- and they were all speeding.

If he fell down there, he would be dead.

One hundred percent surely.

If the fall itself didn´t kill him, then the cars would. They would run him over- at least one or two cars would, before the traffic had a chance to come to a grinding halt.

Sighing he leaned against the railing.

His arms rested on top of it as he stared down at the lights.

It was pretty.

Looking at the traffic like that, all those different car brands and designs of lights mixed together made a pretty picture at night.

The buildings around him also.

And even above.

He tilted his head backwards, and looked up at the sky.

There were not many, but only slightly he could see stars.

Just a few of them.

One dot here, one dot there.

It was funny.

The light he was seeing was already dead. That star probably already exploded- but the light was still there.

He was looking into the past.

…

Would he be like that too?

Dead- but people still looked at him?

Remembered him?

At least for a while? Until that light vanished completely?

…

How would they react when they heard the news?

Izaya Orihara, killed himself by jumping of a bridge.

… he didn´t really think about it before.

Maybe Shinra.

Shinra would think about it. Maybe for a week or two. Then he would move on with his life- with Celty. She wouldn´t spare a second thought he guessed.

That woman had hated him from the start.

His sisters… maybe a few days. They had never really cared about him.

Simon. Every once in a while when he sold ootoro maybe.

Shizuo…

Heh..

Probably a day. And he would be happy about it, wouldn´t he?

"Just disappear already."

…

His throat felt sore when he tried to swallow.

Die.

Die.

Die.

He took a step back from the railing.

"Look... I´m making you happy Shizu-chan…" he breathed hoarse, pain lingering in his eyes.

He shouldn´t even care about those things anymore. And yet he almost did.

If it weren´t impossible, Izaya would want to see Shizuo´s expression when he gets informed about his death.

He really wanted to see this monster´s reaction.

But there was no way he could do that, ne?

Softly he reached forward, gripping the cold metal of the railing tightly.

It felt icy against his palms as he stepped onto the lower ledge of the handrail.

He was just about to throw his legs over the ridge, but then-

"Izaya…"

\- he froze midair.

...

For a moment time stood just still- and the raven wondered if he had just imagined that voice.

It could be a hallucination from the stress.

He was still standing in the same position, hands on the cold metal and his body tensed to jump.

To anyone else he might as well be looking like he was just enjoying the view.

Only slowly he turned his head into the direction he had heard the voice come from.

It had to have been his imagination.

But no.

Blond hair waved slightly in the wind and brown eyes were staring intently at him.

He was panting- as if he had been running.

For a second Izaya thought he was dreaming.

"...Shizu-chan..."

Shizuo stared at the raven in front of him.

He had seriously found him.

It was something that his mind had to get clear with for once before he could move on to even think about what he was doing.

He had been running through half of Ikebukuro. At least his legs felt like it.

He didn´t think he would actually find him though.

For a second they just stood there staring at each other.

A slight frown carved its way onto Izaya´s expression.

How?

How could a person´s timing suck this bad?

"What do you want Shizu-chan?" he asked, his voice so quiet, it almost got lost in the wind.

But Shizuo heard it- the answer to that question wasn´t exactly something he knew though.

If he told that flea that he had just been following this gut feeling he would call him a brute again. Some kind of dog.

But he had no better explanation.

…

What was he even doing here?

He had expected, that if he found the flea, then it would be somewhere else.

At Simon´s maybe or on his way to Shinjuku, or talking to some of his yakuza friends.

What was he doing, standing on this bridge railing?

"Izaya.." he mumbled again, but not saying more than his name.

The raven blinked, didn´t say anything though.

He has had enough of the blond.

He didn´t want to hear anything that man had to say anymore.

He had heard him.

He was tired.

What did he return for?

Couldn´t he just leave him alone?

"Izaya." Again, just his name.

Did the blond lose even more of his brain´s capacity and couldn´t say more than other people´s names?

He was growing irritated more and more by this situation.

"Yes Shizu-chan, that´s my name. How about telling me what you want now?" he asked annoyed.

First he just appeared out of no-where, interrupting him, taking his knife away, spouting things that he didn´t need to hear, and now he returned just keep repeating his name?

For what?

What was the purpose of this stupid-

"Izaya- do you want to kill yourself?"

Blank.

…

For a second Izaya´s mind was just blank.

With wide eyes he stared at the blond, but he didn´t budge.

His hands were still clinging to the railing tightly- shivering just in the slightest.

Shizuo didn´t even say anything more, he just kept his gaze locked with the flea.

Izaya couldn´t really grasp the question.

Did he want to kill himself?

…

Shizuo had asked that just now right?

He wasn´t imagining things right?

He had to have misheard.

Wasn´t the blond stating before how Izaya was trying to blame him?!

…

He tried to curl his lips into a smirk as he usually did- tell him the opposite- taunt him- get on his nerves so that maybe he would flip out and actually wipe out his meaningless existence-

But he couldn´t move them.

He could just stare.

His mind was somehow blank.

What was he supposed to answer?

He felt like a puppet without strings.

Like an actor without script.

He was tired of being the author of this story.

He was tired of trying to predict what Shizuo was going to do when he always ended up surprising him anyway.

How?

Or better why?

Why now?

All of a sudden.

He hadn´t said anything.

He hadn´t given him any sort of hint and yet.

Why was he here now?

He had seen him cut.

He had concluded it was because Izaya wanted to frame him.

Why would he be back now?

Why would he even ask that question?

Was it just a cruel joke of destiny?

Or did someone finally decide that he should die from Shizuo´s hands?

That he should just taunt him like he always did until the blond snapped and then let things go?

But Shizuo just kept staring.

It took a few moments before Izaya realized something.

Shizuo was waiting.

Looking at any other person, this would be a normal reaction-

One part asks a question, and then politely waits until the other answers it. Especially on a topic like this.

But this was Shizu-chan.

If he asked a question, and Izaya didn´t answer it, then Shizuo would beat the answer out of him. He would yell at him, he would ask again-

But he wouldn´t stay silent.

…

He wasn´t sure.

How comical… this was as obvious as it could get and Shizuo still wasn´t sure.

Shizuo was waiting for his answer because he seriously didn't know if what he had just asked was true or not.

In another time, in another place, this would have been hilarious.

Izaya would have laughed- he finally managed to confuse the blond this much, with something so obvious.

… but it was exactly what he needed right now.

He had to deny it.

His lips felt as if he hadn´t talked in ages. Heavy and cold- almost as if they were frozen when he finally moved them.

"Of course not Shizu-chan." He said, his tongue feeling as if it weighed a ton within his mouth. "How can you be so stupid." He tried to add a shrug to his answer, trying to make his words more believeable, but he didn´t really manage to.

Trying to get his words across as well as he could was the only thing he could do right now.

But did it matter? That brute had seen what Izaya was doing and he still hadn´t connected the dots- he doubted one half hearted statement would make him realize what was going on all of a sudden.

"What got into you?" he mumbled, moving his heavy tongue a little more. "Asking me stupid questions. Got bored of destroying the city perhaps?"

But the blond didn´t react to his question, instead he just kept looking at the raven.

Izaya felt uncomfortable. Almost as if the blond could see right through him.

It was a horrifying thought.

"…You are thin flea…"

Izaya blinked at the statement. He didn´t need to look down his body to see that. He knew he had lost a lot of weigh and that even though he wasn´t exactly heavy to begin with.

What was he trying to achieve by saying that?

"So what..?" he mumbled back in return, hoping the blond would give him some kind of clue.

"… and pale…" Izaya frowned. He didn´t like where this conversation was leading.

"Don´t tell me you care or something ridiculous like that." he spat back, finally stepping down from the railing.

What was the blond even trying to do?

Staring at him like that.

What was going on in his mind?

But this time Shizuo didn´t say anything else.

He just kept looking at the raven with an unreadable expression.

Shizuo knew something was off.

He just knew it but-

God how could something that easy be so complicated?!

He was getting frustrated with every second he spent talking to the flea- even more than he did when he was actually teasing him!

He fucking couldn´t get rid of this gut feeling.

He didn´t even know where that question came from before.

It wasn´t like he believed the louse would intend to do something like that.

It just spilled of his lips before he could think about it again.

Just because he said he would disappear from his life didn´t mean he was going to-

To…

No.

He said that wasn´t the case.

He couldn´t be lying now- he wouldn´t –

He was Orihara Izaya.

The most annoying shit on earth! He refused to believe Izaya would…

No. Just no way. He was wrong. He had been wrong all along.

Izaya had said so too right?

Now why would he lie?

…

Well he did lie a lot… Almost all of the time it wouldn´t be surprising if he lied.

But-

No that couldn´t be true-!

He had to be saying the truth right now.

Whatever he planned, or did, or what was really wrong with him, because… the flea really did look bad, it couldn´t be -… this kind of thing.

Maybe he was sick? Maybe Shizuo had seen wrong and he wasn´t actually cutting his arm.

Maybe he was pulling the knife out of it instead.

Someone attacked him and he had to pull it out-

Maybe that was it!

Maybe…

…

But then…

Why were his guts telling him it was wrong?

Why did he feel the need to search for the flea anyway?

Seriously, why was he even here?!

Suddenly a soft sigh reached his ears and he snapped his head up, realizing that he had been glaring at the gray concrete for a while.

"Ne." the flea moved his lips again. But just…. "I´m cold. I will go home."

… just why was he so… expressionless?

Why?

Something was so damn off it irked him-

He always had some kind of… of smirk, or ah he didn´t know, a taunting expression, a glaring one, a mad one, laughing one, he always freaking looked a certain way but now he just-

What was this cold way the flea behaved?!

Like he didn´t give a single fuck about anything.

But not the usual- I don´t give a fuck look- it was a different kind.

Izaya took a few weary steps forward, walking away from the brute.

He knew he couldn´t jump from here now.

Seriously and there Shizuo called him a flea when he was the one who behaved like one.

He could hear the blond move after him.

He didn´t catch up or anything, he just followed him.

He didn´t know why or what Shizuo intended to do by doing that, but he did.

… heh..

He had figured as much.

If something bothered that brute then he probably wouldn´t let go until he found out what it was.

Like a police dog smelling drugs.

He knew something.

He bet it would be something irrational like instinct that the blond was acting on.

…. Dread was slowly starting to fill his senses as he realized and his eyes widened slightly.

He could still hear the blond follow him.

He had been wrong about his assumption before.

It wasn´t that Shizuo didn´t know.

He knew it.

Maybe he didn´t know it.

But he knew it.

He didn´t know what was going on.

But at the same time he knew.

.. did he not want to see it?

The blond knew…

Izaya didn´t like that.

They were at the other side of the bridge now.

Stairs were leading down to a zebra cross across the road.

He didn´t know how late it was, but considering there were no other people except Shizuo around him did imply that it was quite late.

Frowning he stopped in front of the road.

The light was red.

The traffic was fast- car after car came speeding past the two.

Accelarating just before the zebra cross and traffic light so they wouldn´t need to stop their precious cars in case it started to blink.

Izaya´s thoughts were a riding roller coaster meanwhile.

Almost driving as fast as the cars that passed them.

He knew Shizuo was standing behind him.

He didn't say anything. But he felt the blond stare at him intently.

And that´s when the dots connected in Izaya´s mind.

Shizuo would follow him.

Maybe even home.

That brute was just unpredictable to a degree where it wouldn´t surprise Izaya if he intended to watch him like a watchdog until he found out what was bothering him.

But at home. There was no chance to leave.

If he took a knife, Shizuo would see. If he took pills, Shizuo would see.

If he got the gun from his cupboard, Shizuo would see.

If he tried to hang himself, Shizuo would see.

He would question it, not understand it, yell at him or maybe, maybe even just watch.

.. no. He wasn´t a monster.

… he wouldn´t let him.

Realization hit him hard.

He was losing. Once they arrived home, he would be trapped.

Maybe once they were alone he would question things again.

Running was also not an option. Taking all of those pills before, partly paralyzing his body and not eating for days had made himself considerably weak.

He would catch up.

He would get him.

That was sure.

And then there was a truck.

A fast, huge truck.

Probably from a company, delivering goods.

It was huge, fast, and a person being hit by it, except Shizuo, would be dead.

Probably instantly even.

He didn´t know what the blond would do, but one thing was for sure- once he got him, or once they were home, Shizuo wouldn´t let him die.

And then-

He moved, quickly-

Way too quick for others to realize what he was doing-

And hopefully way too quick for Shizuo as well.

He closed his eyes-

And stepped on the road.

In front of the speeding truck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> C:
> 
> Oh-
> 
> Well~
> 
> Shalalalalala lalala lalaaaaa~ xD xDDDD Casually making Izaya step in front of a truck bwahahahahah now have fun guessing if he will get -hurt- die- or saved-
> 
> xD Do tell me if you like where the story is heading or not so I know how to lead this on haha cx Im writing this pretty script free to be honest xD
> 
> Look forward to: Chapter 6: Threat due to 7thJanuary2016 xD (to be honest- part of that is written already as well- xDDD damn I just love writing this story right now)
> 
> Merry (late) christmassss *0* xDDD
> 
> And since I was such a slowpoke at writing the Christmas story and didn´t update in time (at all ~) you get a pressy for now *^* until the story is finished xDDD
> 
> ! A picture~ of them having *cough-cough*- !
> 
> I drew it myself and it ended up being a little similar to the last picture I drew xD You know, the one that´s my profile pic xD Made then *cough- cough* against a wall, sooooo~
> 
> http : / / www . fanpop . com/ fans/ Shirohime/ gallery/ image/ 5608954/ shizaya-having-sex-3
> 
> without spaces cx
> 
> See youu~! On 31stDecember in "I want to stay with you forever"32 hopefully~ xD *^*


	6. ஜ Suspicions ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helllooo *0* xDDD
> 
> Holy shit it´s 2016 xDDDDD another year passed *^* and heyo~!
> 
> xD Im so freaking loving this story now xD I wanna write on nothing but this to be honest xD
> 
> But I wanna finish Iwtswyf too- xD And then *^* heheheheh
> 
> It looks like "behind closed doors" will start AND!-
> 
> I think I might start a 3rd story going next to these two *^* xD One that isn't in my poll but oh well xD I just love this secret topic right now too xD As well as behind closed doors and this here omg *^* *0*
> 
> Gotta finish soon xD
> 
> And no worries, I won´t get slower updating- the opposite, writing 2000-3000 word chappies is WAY more comfortable *^* Imma update twice a week as soon as Iwtswyf is over~! And keep three stories going *^* xD
> 
> Anyway~! Enough rambling xD
> 
> Welcome to this chappy *^* hehe I hope you like this as much as I do xD
> 
> Oh and by the way- just saying cuz I always reply so late to my reviews-
> 
> I do that because I´m a scaredy cat x'D Becauseeeee if someone happened to write something bad about my story and I read it before having the next chappy done, then I get discouraged so damn easily to be honest, and easily get writers block then cuz- WORRYWRATTT *^* xD So I rather finish the next chapter before I read them *^* cx
> 
> Special thanks to my new and official real beta, Nephellim *^* *0* She found so many mistakes xD Omg I'm ashamed xD Especially regarding commas and that shit xD Thank you! *^*
> 
> AND another special thanks to my dear sis, venemoussyring! *0* Who inspired me so much I actually finished chapter 7 today- xDDD
> 
> xDDD Enough uninteresting stuff xD You wanna know if I killed izaya right? XD
> 
> So hey *^*-!
> 
> Enjoy~! ;3

\- both´s point of view-

His heart was beating violently against his chest-

It almost felt as if it were jumping out of his throat.

A burning sensation made him feel as if he had been running a marathon.

Adrenalin?

Noise.

There was loud noise around him.

Confusion started to take over his mind as he tried to puzzle together what had happened just now.

He knew he had seen that truck!

A hand placed itself against his forhead and he could feel something wet stick to it.

He knew it, before he had stepped onto the road, there was that truck driving towards him!

So what-

"Wh….he…hell…?"

A low growl, a few meters away from Izaya, made him snap his head towards the source.

His eyes didn´t focus too well and blurriness was taking over his sight.

His ears hurt- he only heard a sort of humming high noise.

Something blond was moving a few meters away from him.

A human.

Shizu-chan-

He had been the one who grumbled.

Honking.

Noises of people.

Now he noticed and winced at the loud sound that pierced his senses-

People were screaming and yelling.

That truck-

He turned around, his sight getting clear again.

The vehicle was stuck in the traffic light, on the right side of the street.

The front of it was crashed and smoke was steaming from the enginge.

A man stepped out of his vehicle.

Blood was smeared on one side of his face.

Only now did he notice two other cars, that had crashed into the backside of the truck.

Yelling reached his ears.

The low humming tune slowly stopped.

"Wha… the …ell di… yo….hink…you were…oing?!"

Only barely, he registered that the blond was actually talking to him.

He was laying on the street, trying to get up as it seemed.

A glare, no… rather a sort of confused, or even slightly pained expression, settled on his face as he looked at the raven.

"Iz…ya?!" blood was running down his forhead- and pieces of what seemed like glass were stuck in Shizuo´s arm.

He wanted to talk, but he was just frozen. He didn´t get what happened just now.

He felt a shove.

When he had stepped onto the street, he felt a fucking hard shove that sent him to the ground.

His head hit the pavement hard, everything went black for a second- and then he could feel pain shoot through his left shoulder when something struck him.

He heard screetching of cars, his eyes were closed still at that time.

Warmth was spreading through his shoulder.

Shizu-chan was still staring at him.

A man had gotten out of the truck. He was approaching Shizu-chan.

He yelled at Shizu-chan.

He didn´t seem to know that he was talking to the fortissimo of Ikebukuro.

"Oi, do you even hear me?!" Shizuo bluntly ignored the guy next to him-

The words were directed at Izaya, but he didn´t really get his lips to speak.

He was standing- he didn´t even know when he got up, because he was sure he had been laying on the ground.

Shizuo just stared at the flea.

The flea just jumped in front of a truck.

The flea just jumped in front of a truck!

THE FLEA JUST JUMPED IN FRONT OF A TRUCK-

Over and over, the thought repeated in his head, as if it were impossible to actually understand it.

He didn´t even know what was happening before, but his body had moved before he could even think about it.

He had pushed the raven hard, out of the trucks way-

And then it hit him instead.

It wasn´t the first time a truck knocked him over on the street, but fuck! it did hurt-

Car screetching, crashes, the noises of far away honking from all the other cars that had been driving and now coming to a screetching halt, had reached his ears when he crashed onto the ground.

He had pushed the raven forward, but there were cars too of course.

Only barely he saw a red bugati stroke Izaya´s shoulder before the knock to the ground blanked out his senses for a second.

The next time he opened them, he saw a guy. He was bleeding a little and the truck had been pulled over and crashed into the traffic light, it seemed.

Izaya was standing.

He hadn´t heard him at all.

At least it didn´t look like he registered what the blond was yelling.

He was just standing there, his eyes distant as he looked blanky in front of him.

How the hell did the flea even stand?!

Blood was dripping down his left thigh- Shizuo didn´t know if it was a car that struck him there, or something else- blood was also slowly dripping down the side of his head, soaking his dark hair.

If Shizuo stood after that- it was probably about normal. But Izaya?

He had jumped in front of that truck!

He knew he wouldn´t survive that!

That flea.

He wanted to kill himself.

He wanted to kill himself in front of Shizuo.

Struggling, the blond picked himself off the ground. He barely felt any pain, despite having been knocked over.

"Izaya!" he called yet another time, walking over-

But then suddenly the raven reacted.

And his eyes seemed to focus on him.

Shizu-chan.

Shizu-chan was coming towards him-

And suddenly he felt his feet again-

He turned around on his heels and then-

"IZAYA!"

He ran.

Ran.

He ignored the people that had stepped out of their cars, ignored the huge mess he had created, all the smoking and damaged cars-

He just ran, slipped away between the broken vehicles, and stumbled onto the pavement on the other side of the street.

He didn´t dare turn around.

He didn´t dare lose any speed.

Shizu-chan was right behind him.

"IZAYA!" He had picked up the chase immediately.

He had to get away—

Shizuo gritt his teeth, and sprinted after the flea as fast as he could.

He couldn´t believe he could run that fast after this-!

Izaya had been knocked over by a car! Or at least strocked, his leg was bleeding, his fucking head was bleeding!

Why was he even running away?!

Why was he running away from him?!

"IZAYA!" he yelled again-

Anyone else in the street who may have looked out of their window, or happened to be out at this hour, would have thought he was just chasing the flea.

Just as usual.

But this was so different from their usual chases-

Izaya panted and turned around a corner and another and then yet again.

He didn´t even know where he was running to.

Just away.

He didn´t even exactly know what just happened, why it happened, why he was even running in the first place.

He just knew he had to get away.

That was the only thought on his mind.

It kept repeating-

Run.

Run.

RUN.

And that he did-

His lungs burned and his legs hurt with each step he took. He could feel the exhaustion, he could feel the fatigue, the lack of energy, the lack of sleep during the past days- the lack of even wanting to keep up running- as he tried to keep up his speed.

He tried, he tried really hard-

His body screamed at him to stop-

He felt his vision go blurry, but he still kept pushing on.

Running.

Just running.

He was just running away from Shizu-chan.

Like he had always done.

And yet-

Pain shot through his neck and he choked -his eyebrows furrowed into a pained frown when he felt his hoodie pull him backwards hard.

His back hit the ground and forced the air out of his lungs.

He didn´t need to look up to see what happened.

He could hear the panting, he could hear the almost angry sounding growl, when he felt something grab the front of his shirt and pick him up from the floor.

The wall didn´t even surprise him when he felt himself being slammed into it.

A dull pain throbbed in the back of his head and he slowly opened his eyes to look into the face of his long known monster.

Shizuo got him.

Still panting slightly, he tried to put on a smug expression, tried to hide his expressionless face. But his lips barely even curled into a smile as something akin to panic took over his senses.

"Hello Shizu-cha-" the words didn´t even leave his lips before he felt a fist swoosh past his head and embed itself into the wall next to his head.

He flinched away, his eyes squeezing shut for just a second.

He had expected a hit. What he did not expect was that the fist hit the wall instead of him.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"

The words were yelled at him so loud, Izaya swore he could feel his ears hurt from the voice.

So many different excuses rushed through his head. Wanting to get away from that scene, so he wouldn´t be held accountable for that accident; or get away, so he could blame Shizu-chan instead.

These were the first two options that came to mind- and they were good.

Yet he couldn´t bring himself to answer with any of the two.

He just stood, or, better, hung there, held up solely by Shizuo´s fist and stared at him.

He didn´t know.

He didn´t know what to do.

Because the brute got him now.

He got him for sure.

He wouldn´t be able to get away.

He wouldn´t be able to leave.

He failed-

The limp hands that hung down loosely, started shaking slightly.

A lump formed in his throat and he swallowed.

He didn´t know what would happen now.

He didn´t know at all.

He never knew with Shizu-chan.

He felt like crying and yelling at the blond at the same time.

Crying because of frustration; because he knew he wouldn´t be able to get out of this now.

And yell because it could be over now; Because the blond kept interfering in things that weren´t his business at all-!

And now, he was still there.

Alive.

Still.

Just because of him.

He swallowed, pressing his slightly shaking lips together.

He didn´t know what to say.

He didn´t even know why the blond had chased him.

What was he doing?

Why was he even here?

Why was he so keen on following him?

If he already got it, then why?

It was him who said that he should just disappear, it was him who said that he would be glad if he were just fucking gone.

He didn´t get it.

He seriously didn´t.

A mere second had passed since the blond had asked the question, but to Izaya it felt as if a decade was going by.

"I ASKED WHAT YOU WERE DOING BEFORE!" the voice didn´t lose volume in the slightest.

The opposite- Izaya flinched slightly when an intense headache assaulted his skull.

Shizuo glared at the raven, with a glare so malicious, it could be from the flea itself.

He wanted an answer!

He just wanted a god damn answer!

He wanted that shitty flea to react!

Straight out tell him!

He didn´t even know what kind of response he was waiting for; he didn´t even know what he was supposed to do if Izaya actually said things out aloud-

But-

That stupid flea shouldn't just stare at him- stare at him… like… like that!

He had pissed him off his entire life, but right now, right now he seriously did the most-!

A vein popped on his forhead and he seriously was about to lose it when the raven suddenly moved.

Or better, his face did.

He didn´t look him into the eyes.

But his lips, just slowly, but surely, they curled into a smile.

A smile so digusting, it made Shizuo´s skin crawl.

"Why are you even asking me?" the flea suddenly mouthed, his lips staying in place- but his eyes closed.

He had fooled so many people in his life. Pretended and acted so often.

This- was just another scene in this script he had written himself.

He inhaled slightly, pleased that the blond hadn´t given an answer yet.

He wondered what Shizu-chan´s expression was like right now.

He didn´t exactly want an answer when he asked that question.

His goal was to get the blond thinking.

Shizu-chan was unpredictable, yes- but Izaya would bet everything he had, to say, that Shizuo himself had no clue why he was doing what he was doing right now.

He asked to win time.

To ascertain the best excuse, the one that Shizu-chan would believe without a second thought.

Because, by now, he only had one chance to get what he wanted.

And he was going to take that.

He opened his eyes.

The expression on Shizu-chan´s face was just what he imagined it to be.

Anger and confusion were practically written on his face.

Izaya grinned.

He had come up with something.

Just once more.

"Shizu-chan, I don´t know what absurd theory your brain came up with, but you know, with everything I did today-" he mumbled, holding his stare with the blond.

He had known how to aggravate the blond for years. He had studied this monster better than anyone else.

He knew what Shizuo was really thinking; and so, his lips curled into a smile as he finished his sentence.

"-all of that just served to get an amusing reaction from you~"

…

A curtain of silence fell over the two as they just stared at each other.

…

Even the blond was quiet now.

"…You-" for a second, Shizuo was just dumbfounded. The raven was still grinning.

Just as usual.

Nothing seemed off about it at all and yet-

That response.

It was what he had been waiting the entire night for. It was what he had expected the raven to say.

It was what he honestly believed the raven did- what he wanted to believe the raven did-

So why-

Why was it so clear to him now that it was a lie?

"Tch- can you, please, fucking stop doing that?" he asked, a frown carving itself on his expression as he gritt his teeth in annoyance.

The raven´s expression grew tense.

"Do what." he asked, his eyes trailing back to meet Shizuo´s. A glare was settled between his furrowed eyebrows.

Shizuo tightened his grip on the flea.

"Stop pretending everything is just a freaking game to you when it´s not!" he yelled, yanked the raven forward and threw him to the ground.

He didn´t even give much of a struggle. The opposite, he just let himself fall down on the hard concrete.

He didn´t even attempt to run away again.

Instead, he just glared.

Glared back at Shizuo.

"You said so yourself you know," Izaya responded, picking himself off the ground again. "- in that alley you said-"

"I know what I said god damnit-!" Shizuo barked, interrupting the raven. He knew what he said back then!

And he knew now that it was bullshit!

But that didn´t faze Izaya in the slightest.

"Seems not. Did some more of your brain cells die Shizu-chan?" Shizuo swore he felt a vein pop on his forhead at that response.

"Shut up." He growled darkly, but that seemed to be just what Izaya wanted. He grinned and shoved his hands into his pockets as he approached the blond slowly.

"Ah don´t tell me, that truck finally did the job?" a smirk suddenly played along Izaya´s lips and, for a second, he actually looked happy.

It pissed him off!

It pissed him off-!

"I said shut the fuck up!" he repeated, his fist tightening next to his body. But Izaya- didn´t stop.

One last smirk crawled over his expression and he took another step towards the blond- their forheads almost touching, before teasingly singing.

"I wonder what your dear little brother will say~ You caused so much damage agai-"

He felt his fist connect with the raven´s face before he even knew he had risen it-

Izaya´s expression churned into a pained one for just a second as he fell to the ground.

"YOU CAUSED THAT!" he bellowed, taking a step forward and crouched down, yanking the flea around by his collar yet again.

But the smug expression was already playing slong Izaya´s lips again.

"Oh my, Shizu-chan, resorting to violence again~?" he chirped instead, a small trail of blood rolling down the corner of Izaya´s mouth, and Shizuo swore he could feel his blood boiling at the response-

"SHUT UP!"

Laughing-

Now the flea was fucking laughing again!

"Ne Shizu-chan, just saying. The police will think exactly that. You caused it. I will tell them you did. I will tell them you shoved me. And then you will get framed for attempted murder~"

Blank- For a second Shizuo saw red- he raised his fist, he aimed at the flea´s face, intending to shut that bastard up completely-

Until it finally clicked.

And he froze in his movement.

He didn´t know why it was dawning on him now-

Why at this exact moment and why he hadn´t thought about it earlier-

But he got it.

"… Izaya…"

… the anger faded away.

All of a sudden he got it.

He got it now.

He dropped his fist slowly.

As if the raven wanted to affirm his new theory, the smirk suddenly dropped off his face and a frown replaced it instead-

"Yeah. That´s my name. Any explanation why you keep using it without any context?" he spat with tight lips.

For a second, he just stared at the raven below him.

He didn´t get it.

He didn´t get what the flea was thinking.

No. that wasn´t quite correct.

He knew what he was thinking.

But he didn´t understand why he wanted that.

Why?

Why Izaya?

"Izaya." He repeated his name once more, making the raven glare at him.

"…. you are waiting for me to kill you, right…?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehehehehe~ -evil laughter errupts-
> 
> I bet you hate me for ending RIGHT here x'D But oh well~ I promise to update soon xD Cuz as I said- I LOVE this story right now-  
> also wanna mention chu toooo shadownights *^* you are so cute xD ~ did you see my reply? xD Ao3 that dick cut off my message for some reason so i had to rewrite it xD 
> 
> xD
> 
> Look forward to: Chapter 7: Strange- due to 6thJanuary2016 xD
> 
> Have an awesome new year *^*
> 
> And see you soon~!
> 
> And damn- I promise I will update Iwtswyf soon! I just like- suck at writing that right now I think ;-; And I don´t really want to xD


	7. ஜ Strange ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy~! *^* So we see each other again xDD I even wrote a slightly longer chapter- yay- xDDD Nawww you guys are so sweet ;/; You love my new baby~! xD I will give my best to keep it going like this *^* and not make it bad or something xD
> 
> Actually I couldn´t view any reviews for about 4 days or so- seems fanfiction was doing some sort of update or something cx But hey I could finally view them yesterday *^* since I was done with chapter 7 already anyway xD And awwwwwwww ;/; I love you guy was thinking maybeeee, just maybe you didn´t like the last chappy, because I made Shizuo hit the flea and stuff- but hey Cx hehe~ you loved it! *0* xDD
> 
> Hehe, I tried extra hard to make this chapter even better xD And I think I succeeded~ hehe~
> 
> Special thanks to my beta- nephillim, who actually DID find a ton of mistakes! *^* Don´t believe her modest words, she is doing a great job Cx xD
> 
> Enjoy~!

\- Izaya´s point of view.-

"…of course not..."

The words barely left the raven´s lips in the form of a whisper.

Shit… he wasn´t prepared for that…

He tilted his head to the side, avoiding Shizu-chan´s stare. His eyebrows furrowed into a frown and he bit his lip.

He didn´t think Shizu-chan would be smart enough to see that much.

He thought if he just made him mad enough, he would kill him before he could even realize what he was doing.

He always thought so. Whenever the blond chased him, he was sure that, if Shizu-chan got him, he would actually kill him.

Without meaning to of course.

He knew Shizu-chan was no murderer.

But Shizu-chan had a temper problem.

He thought he could use it.

He really thought-

"You want to die." Izaya flinched when he heard the words slice through the cold and now silent night.

Way too silent for Izaya´s taste.

He could hear his own breathing. He could hear his heartbeat; a little faster than it should be. He could feel his arms, hanging loosely left and right to Izaya´s frame, cold and shivering, but not moving in particular.

He hated it.

He hated it when it was quiet like that.

"I don´t know what you are talking about." He blinked, a little surprised when he felt something grip his left arm harshly and tug it forward.

If it weren´t for the other hand that still had a firm grip on his collar, he would have crashed straight into the blond´s chest.

A ripping noise reached his ears. Before he could even start to struggle, the blond had already ripped off quite a large part of his black sleeve.

It was torn up all the way to his ellbow.

"Then, what is this?" the voice the blond used when he asked this question was way too soft for Izaya´s liking.

Sure, he could hear the anger and maybe even something akin to disgust in it, but still...

It was a sort of voice he didn´t want to hear from Shizu-chan.

A glare left his eyes as he stared at the blond and he gave a shrug.

"Just as you said, I did it to frame you." He said, repeating the conclusion the blond had come to in that alley- knowing it wasn´t valid anymore.

But he didn´t care.

He wasn´t oblidged to give the blond any sort of answer.

If Shizu-chan wouldn´t kill him, then fine-

He was stupid for panicking before.

He was Orihara Izaya. His mind might be messed up, but he knew he could deal with Shizu-chan.

Somehow, there was always an option.

-but he definitely wouldn´t talk to someone like him about this topic.

"Don't bullshit me flea, I know now, that´s not what this is." Shizuo sort of hissed, his stare was still kinda locked on Izaya´s arm.

The raven hated that.

He felt the need to pull his arm away from the brute.

Not because he was afraid that Shizu-chan would hurt him, that´s not it- but he hated this stare.

He hated how he looked at those lines on his arm.

How his skin felt like it was burning- and it was not the usual kind of heat.

He knew he couldn´t pull away.

Not as long as that blond was gripping his arm that tight.

He could see them all.

Line after line, some longer, some shorter, some had formed a type of scarred lump.

Pale ones, almost healed and covered ones, hidden by a thin crust- they were all there - reminding Izaya of all the times he used his favourite flickblade on himself instead of Shizu-chan.

And on top of them all, were the red ones. The burning ones. Those that aligned right above his wrist- those that still ripped open at each movement.

Would it be crazy to admit he loved those the most? Those that were fresh? That still burnt whenever he moved his arm?

He did love them.

Because they kept him sane. The constant soft pain that would accompany him, as crazy as it might sound to anyone except himself, it calmed him. It kept the thoughts away.

But when they didn´t hurt anymore, that magic was gone. He didn´t even want that many scars.

He just wanted the pain.

But always cutting in the same place was something he found himself getting used to.

Sometimes the usual pain just wasn´t enough.

So he drew more.

And more.

In different places, at different angles, different deepness, different lengths-

But the more he did it- the more he felt it wasn´t enough.

-the more he had started to feel that he needed to do more.

Funny.

Maybe if he hadn´t started cutting himself, things wouldn´t have gotten this far.

He still remembered it; compared to now- he was almost fine the first time he did it.

His mind was no-where near as messed up as it was now.

He had tried to get better.

He thought this was a way to do so.

But he failed.

And now Shizu-chan was staring at them.

At the evidence of his failure.

… but he was glad.

More than glad-

Because it was his left arm he was looking at.

And not his right.

"Where you trying to slith your veins in that alley…?" almost having forgotten where he was right now, he snapped his head up, meeting Shizu-chan´s eyes.

A feeling familiar to anger washed through him.

He had wasted the time he could have used to think, by using it to remember the times he drew on his arm.

His eyes turned to sliths at the question.

"You tell me. I can't follow your protozoanish thoughts." He hissed, drawing his arm away- and, surprisingly, the blond let go of him.

Moreover, he didn´t even say anything in response to Izaya.

Halfheartedly, Izaya pulled at the torn end of his sleeve, trying to cover his arm up- at least a little- again.

The blond just watched him.

Irritating.

"What are you even doing here?" It was the same question as before.

But, this time, Izaya actually wanted the blond to answer.

He didn´t see the sense in all this.

First, he appeared out of no-where and took his knife away.

Told him that he should disappear and left.

The conclusion he had come to was perfectly plausible- even if he didn´t see it coming.

But this-

Shizu-chan appearing on that bridge, asking him if he wanted to kill himself all of a sudden- pushing him out of the truck´s way and now even running after him.

This… made no sense at all.

He didn´t get how it came to this.

He was kneeling on the cold ground of a random street and Shizu-chan crouching in front of him –asking him things that shouldn´t be of his concern.

Why?

"I´m just trying to figure out what the fuck is going on with you." Shizuo mumbled after a while, the frown still neatly placed on his face.

"Why?" Izaya didn´t intend to make it seem as if he was interested in what the blond had to say.

But he was intrigued.

What he received from Shizuo was just something akin to an angry growl though.

"I don´t know why, okay?!" he answered, glaring at the raven.

"I hate you! You piss me off every single day! You made my life hell! You really should just disappear!"

Izaya blinked- a little taken aback by the response.

He said it again… heh...

Nothing had changed after all-

"If you want me gone that bad, then it makes even less sense why you are here." He replied, still keeping eye contact with the blond though.

Shizuo merely blinked at the response- hating how the flea had managed to twist his words yet again into something he wanted- and growled, obviously annoyed.

"Not like that-! Disappear- go away, out of Ikebukuro. That´s what I want the most!" he repeated, and turned his gaze away. He didn´t really look the flea into the eyes anymore.

He hated those bloody eyes.

They had a certain look to them that just made his skin crawl.

In a bad way.

Izaya could almost see the struggle with which Shizuo was trying to express himself. He really doubted what Shizu-chan said though.

Shizu-chan was Shizu-chan.

Sure, he wouldn´t let Izaya kill himself in front of him.

But if he got news of his death randomly, from Shinra or something, then Izaya doubted he would even want to know what it was that did him in-

He doubted anyone would even be interested.

Look at it.

He had been stabbed before.

He was in hospital.

And who came?

A girl that held a grudge against him- and she came to finish him off.

He knew how everyone was thinking around him. They were all predictable.

All.

Except Shizu-chan maybe- but even he sometimes followed Izaya´s rules.

"Why do you even want to kill yourself?" Another question-

It sounded like a sort of annoyed question, only fuelling Izaya´s hatred against that blond. There it came. That judging undertone he had been waiting for-

He laughed and threw his head back, his glare still settled on his face.

"Shizu-chan, did you hit your head too hard before? I said I don´t want to kill-"

"WHY?!"

Izaya scowled when the blond bellowed at him.

"You think yelling will get you anywhere?" he spat, venom dripping from his lips. He was sick of this conversation.

He was so sick of it.

He tried to get up- to walk away, obviously, but a shove to his chest, sent him right back on his ass, preventing him from doing so, efficiently.

He snapped his head up, meeting the blond´s angry stare halfway-

"Can I fucking leave now?!" he has had enough of this bullshit!

He has had enough of speaking to a protozoan that didn´t even know what he was doing anyway-!

But when he tried to get up once more and he felt that fucking hand push him down to the ground again, he just felt something snap inside him-

What right- what fucking right did the blond have to fuck with him like this?!

"You want to DIE Izaya!"

He could feel the rage build inside his stomach and before he knew it- he was yelling back-

"SO WHAT IF I DID?!"

…

A second too late, he realized his mistake.

The second he saw the blond´s expression go from raging- to blank.

Shizu-chan didn´t see that coming.

Funny- Izaya didn´t see it coming either.

"… you–" and he wasn´t going to leave it at that.

"I didn´t admit anything." He made clear immediately. "But even if I did, hypothetically speaking, it´s my life and I can do what I want with it!"

…

Silence was met with his statement while the blond just kept wearing this blank expression.

He admitted it. He, Orihara Izaya, made a mistake.

That brute had sniffed blood- now he wasn´t going to let go.

"You are insane."

Ouch

He probably was.

But the blond had no right to judge him.

"I don't think I have to explain myself to an insane monster, like you." Satisfied, Izaya observed the blond´s blank expression convert back into a pissed one.

How easy it was to anger that brute.

"You fucking piss me off flea."

As easy as taking a lollipop away from a kid.

"Likewise. Just leave already. I don't even know what you came here for." Izaya mumbled and quickly shuffled backwards on the ground.

Gladly too fast for Shizu-chan to react, and got to his feet- making the blond get up quickly as well-

He wasn´t going to let that stupid prick shove him down a third time.

But once Shizuo noticed that Izaya wasn´t about to run away again though he stopped trying to reach out for the flea.

Instead, he just deepened the growing frown on his face.

"Leave? Just so you go and try killing yourself another way?" he growled lowly.

Izaya put on a smirk. It was getting easier and easier to talk to the blond.

He put his hands into his pockets and shrugged.

"Would be a fucking convenience to you now, wouldn´t it?" The question was, literally, dripping with malice and sarcasm- making the blond tighten his fist.

"Fuck you!" he spat, growing more and more irritated with the flea.

It was the same for Izaya though. He could feel the blood run down his shoulder and the little that had dripped from his forhead get cold and sticky in his hair.

A headache was starting to assault him.

"Just shut up already, Shizu-chan!" he hissed, annoyed. "I´m sick of talking to you."

He was pissed- he was really damn pissed by now- this fucking flea-!

"Why do YOU even want to die?" he yelled once more- "What the fuck is wrong with you flea?! Other people have problems, real problems, way worse than you could ever have and they don't want to die! So why?!"

….

…he didn´t expect the blond to say something like this.

Izaya lowered his head a little.

His bangs covering his face slightly.

Why?

Why indeed?

Again, he didn´t see it coming.

And the worst was- that brute was right.

Something wasn´t right with him.

Something was wrong. Terribly so.

He knew he must be having some kind of defect. He figured that much a while ago, when he tried to chase these thoughts away by counting up what he had.

By telling himself all the things that he should be happy for.

Humans could be happy even without anything.

And yet he was like this when he had everything.

It was when he realized this, that he started to hate his beloved humans.

But he couldn´t hate them.

Because he needed to love them.

"… just leave me alone already, Shizu-chan."

Shizuo knew he had said something wrong. He knew it the second Izaya dropped that grin of his.

He didn´t even realize himself, Shizuo guessed. Not by the way he was looking at the ground.

He hated the flea´s guts- but this kind of situation didn´t sit well with him at all.

And yet-

He couldn´t stop this fucking rage that welled up inside of him-!

This feeling of anger- this-

When he looked at Izaya, standing there like this- it pissed him off!

For no reason- it just did!

Just leave him alone, huh?!

It fucking pissed him off!

Without a word, Shizuo stepped forward and before Izaya could even do as much as stare surpised at the blond, he had already hit him in his face-

He fell on his ass, his left hand shooting up to his cheek-

Then, he saw Shizuo raise his fist once more and he squeezed his eyes shut-

He didn´t want to see it coming-

He thought he finally did it.

Whatever he said, he thought he finally did it and he angered the blond enough to flip out.

But the second punch never came.

Shizuo had frozen.

Still gritting his teeth, he stared at the raven below him.

His fist was still raised, aiming at the informant´s head.

He was ready to punch another time.

Ready to finally get that ungrateful bastard, like he always said he would-

And yet-

He couldn´t tear his stare away.

Not from Izaya, but from the hand that touched his cheek.

His left arm.

The one whose sleeve had been torn.

The one that was covered in scars.

And blood.

And then, he lowered his fist.

Slowly.

Wondering why the punch hadn´t come yet, Izaya opened his eyes again, only to see Shizuo lowering his fist.

A questioning expression crossed his face and he blinked at the blond.

"Shizu-cha-"

He flinched when the blond suddenly took a step closer and yanked him up by his shirt-

"Just shut up okay?" Shizuo growled darkly, but calm- and threw the raven to his right.

Izaya squeezed his eyes shut once more, when he felt something hit his back hard and the sound of shattering glass reached his ears-

THUD

He didn´t know what Shizu-chan had thrown him into, but damn-

It hurt-

Dizzy, he pushed himself up-

Glass fell from his hair and he heard steps approach him once again.

He looked up, only to meet Shizu-chan´s eyes- and noticed where he was.

It was a closed pharmacy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> C:
> 
> Oh-
> 
> Well~ xD I guess you wonder now what Shizuo is going to do~ Something dangerous maybe? Is he seeing red again~? Or something else entirely~? I would love to read your guesses xDDD
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter cx Thank you for reading~ cx
> 
> And see you SOON (most probably since I´m already writing on it) in
> 
> Chapter 8: Quiescing due to 12thJanuary2016~
> 
> Cx xD I think- you are going to LOVE it *^* -maybe~ I don't know~ hehehehe~
> 
> Or maybe Im joking and you will hate it? *^* I could murder Izaya right about next chapter~ ohohohooho~ what shall I do~


	8. ஜ Quiescing ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helllooo *0* xDDD YES Another chapter xD God I love this *^* The wordsssss- they keep flowing gahhh- my hands can´t stop writing omfg xDDD the ideas- they keep coming too fast to type xDDDD
> 
> xDDDD
> 
> Has been a while since I had that much fun writing my chapters xDDD
> 
> Maybe I´m actually evil and that´s why? *^* Cuz this story isn´t particularely nice- xDDD
> 
> Oh well~
> 
> Awwwwwwwww I love you guys so so so so so much ! ;/; You love this story omfg! You love it as much as I do xD Awwwwwww Thank you ! Thank you all for reading this and liking it so much ;/;
> 
> Sorry this is so late- my beta kinda had some time- troubles and someone else corrected this for me cx Well with that being said, thank you for jumping in~! *^*
> 
> Well then, and now my readers~
> 
> Enjoy~! ;3

\- Izaya´s point of view-

Utter confusion filled the informant´s mind as he looked around.

A cupboard left, a cupboard right- filled with dozends of medics of course.

Aspirin, cough medicine, painkillers, headache pills- everything-

Cold white tiles covered the floor that was now littered with shattered glass.

The lights were out and no-one was here, after all it was pretty late, but still-

Yeah, no doubt, it was in fact a pharmacy.

"Shizu-chan-" the raven had frowned, intending to ask the blond what he thought he was doing by throwing him in here, but then he saw the blond step closer and faded out.

The expression he wore was definitely not an angry one like before.

Sure- he was still pissed, Izaya could see that very well, alright-

But it was not the "I´m-going-to-kill-the-flea-kind" of pissed.

More like…

…

To be honest, he couldn´t really pinpoint what kind of anger it was that he saw in Shizu-chan´s eyes.

"Just shut up." A glare flashed over the informant´s expression- the blond was using that sick way of talking again.

The same weird soft voice he used before-

To say he just hated it would be an underestimation.

It made him feel like some experiment. As if he was something that the blond was watching and that was under his control as long as he kept his voice in that sickenly soft tone.

That brute was supposed to yell.

To get mad.

Act like a monster.

Hit him more and blow his lights out-

Not watch him like a failed experiment.

"And what if I don´t?" he hissed, sitting up on the floor and let his back hit the shelf behind him, not once breaking eye contact.

With a feeling of victory he noticed how the blond´s expression turned into a more irritated one.

"Can you just once do what I´m telling you to?!" Shizuo barked as he stepped closer. He was now standing right in front of Izaya-

Certainly- this was the closest they had ever come to be in all those 9 years.

A hand shot forward and Izaya felt the blond grip his arm roughly -

He flinched hard- expecting the blond to hurt him more-

After all, he got him now.

Literally. He caught this flea he had always been chasing after.

And so he waited.

And waited.

Waited for pain.

Pain that didn't come.

Having squeezed his eyes shut he waited for his arm to be pulled, to be squeezed or broken- to be tugged forward and thrown into the wall on the other side of the shop- after all, Shizu-chan was strong enough to do these kind of things… but-

Instead of the pressure on his arm increasing- it lessened.

Until it almost felt as if the blond was simply holding his wrist.

A ripping sound startled him and he snapped his eyes back open-

Shizuo was now kneeling in front of him.

A white little package was being held in his right hand and he teared off a part of the plastic package with his mouth.

The other… was holding up Izaya´s arm.

His left.

The raven blinked- recognizing the white content as a fresh bandaid that the brute had picked from the shelf behind him.

For a moment he just stared at that object.

…

He couldn´t grasp the situation.

Or rather- what it looked like what the blond was doing.

Because no matter how he looked at it, the moment Shizuo brought that soft material down on his arm it was an undeniable fact-

Shizu-chan was wrapping up his cut wrist.

No words were exchanged as the flea simply stared at the debt collector in front of him.

Shizuo didn´t stare back.

He was just looking down on Izaya´s arm, wrapping the bandaid around his thin wrist.

Little spots of red tainted the first layer- but they got less and less the more often Shizu-chan wrapped it around.

Izaya… could just stare.

Stare at his hand as if he was dreaming and then at Shizu-chan.

…

He didn´t get it.

He was sure, if the blond were to look at his face right now he would see the most puzzled expression he had ever seen Izaya make.

He just didn´t get it.

"… what are you doing?" The words left his lips in no more than just a quiet whisper.

He almost wondered if he had only mouthed them and not even really said anything because the blond didn´t react.

But then he noticed that Shizu-chan had paused.

As if he were frozen. His hands had stopped in the middle of their action and he just kept his gaze locked with his wrist.

It was obvious that the question had caught him off guard.

A few agonizing seconds passed by, that felt to Izaya more like they were hours, than these little instances of time.

Many questions chased through his mind and he came up with a lot of explanations why a normal person would do what the blond was doing right now.

But none of these explained a monsters actions, like Shizu-chan´s of course.

Because the blond hated him.

He detested him.

He was not normal.

Izaya flinched when the blond´s hand suddenly moved again and resumed his action of wrapping up his arm.

But Shizu-chan still didn´t reply.

Was he ignoring him?

"Shizu-chan…" The raven murmured darkly. But it didn´t faze the blond in the slightest.

His expression was just as unreadable as before.

"I asked you something-" Izaya spat and tried tugging his arm away from the blond, but instead of letting it go the blond tightened his grip instead and he felt himself being tugged forward harshly-

An angry glare met his own as he stared into those brown eyes.

Oh?

So he was pissed for Izaya not staying still?!

Was he fucking kidding?!

"Stop that bullshit already!" his right arm shot forward and he smacked the bandaid from Shizuo´s hand.

A mistake.

A flash of white filled his senses when a fist connected with his cheek once more.

"Shut the fuck up!"

Violent.

Just as it was in the blond´s nature.

He would have laughed at this hillarious situation if his head and cheek weren´t hurting so much right now-

His skull was throbbing from the punches- maybe also from the injury from before. He felt a trail of blood roll down his cheek from the spot that brute had punched.

He didn´t even know why he was bleeding there.

Maybe Shizu-chan got shards on his hand and didn´t even notice?

He pushed him through the window after all-

The only thing he knew, was that it hurt.

And suddenly he felt another thing.

Something soft.

Rolling exactly over that spot on his cheek, that was bleeding.

He let his eyes focus on his surroundings once more.

A hand was in his vison field, retracting from his face with a little piece of what seemed like a little scrap of paper.

Paper?

No, two pieces of that paper. Shizu-chan had let go of his wrist finally.

Because he finished wrapping it up as Izaya realized.

He was holding the other piece of paper in his other hand.

Tiny ones- barely as big as a thumb.

And suddenly Izaya recognized those familiar paper pieces.

Only slowly he let his right hand brush across the thing that was now stuck to his face to confirm his suspicion.

And then he just couldn´t hold it anymore.

It started off as a chuckle, something as light as a giggle, but it soon got louder, louder and hysterical- until he was straight out laughing.

Laughing like a maniac.

The brute had stuck a plaster on the wound that he himself created.

He had patched up the spot that he had hurt.

Like a dog-

Like the fucking dog he was.

Biting and then licking as if to apologize-

Shizu-chan was glaring at him furiously and Izaya knew he was pushing his buttons but he just couldn´t stop laughing.

It was too fucking ironic.

"Shizu-chan-" he snorted between gasps of breath- "Just saying, if you want to patch me up it´s quite counterproductive if you injure me mo-"

He didn´t get to finish his sentence as another hit connected with his cheek.

His ears were ringing and his head feeling like it was about to split in half- but he couldn´t care less.

He had to laugh.

He had to laugh at this illogical situation, at this… this… paradox.

Only slowly the laughter subsided when the brute fixed the plaster that had come off slightly from the second hit.

He felt the rough hand brush over his cheek almost gently and he had to snicker-

He was seriously in pain by now. But the smile was still on his lips.

"Whatever." He shrugged, a giggle accompanying the words.

That brute was crazy.

Downright insane.

He doubted he even knew what he was doing.

He shouldn´t push his buttons. He really shouldn´t. Shizu-chan would hurt him only to patch him up again. It was useless, he wouldn´t kill him.

And yet.

"Ne~" He felt a need to tease the blond. "Is Shizu-chan trying to cover up his monstrosity~?"

The hand that shot forward to grip Izaya´s neck was faster than he expected it to be-

But that´s the way he wanted it.

Izaya grinned, looking into eyes that he knew.

Eyes filled with utter hatred and disgust- rage intensifying the stare.

The hand that was tightening around his neck wasn´t even bothering him- the opposite.

He wanted it there.

He wanted the blond to be the monster he was.

"What part about Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Do you not understand?" the words were spoken quietly, but the malice conveyed- was on a whole different level.

Izaya tried to swallow with a smirk on his lips. Almost painfully he felt his throat constrict, but he wouldn´t let it show.

No way.

"Oh~ Did I hit a nerve~?" he spat, the smirk on his expression widening, trying to sound as if the hand on his throat didn´t affect him at all.

And he just knew he succeeded.

He could almost see the rage boil inside Shizu-chan as the grip around his neck tightened to a point he felt being chocked.

"I said shut up!" Another yell, so loud it made his throbbing head hurt even more flew from his trembling lips. He was shaking from anger.

Shaking from holding back.

What are you holding back for, Shizu-chan?

"Ahahaha, seems I did-!" his voice was getting shallow. Izaya felt the need to breathe becoming urgent.

But he wasn´t struggling.

His hands were just loosely hanging down his body.

He wasn´t going to bring them up to try and pry away the brute´s hand.

It would be useless anyway, wouldn´t it?

"Flea! I swear, one more word-" The growl was dark, filled with a threat more than just malicious.

But he couldn´t stop.

He couldn´t stop teasing his monster.

"Ne Shizu-chan, I do wonder," he breathed, his vision getting blurry-

"If you kill me, will you try to revive me like you were patching me up?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The grip tightened-

And then-

Everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehehehehe~
> 
> Welllll~
> 
> What do you think?
> 
> Is Izaya dead now? Finally? Shizuo did seem like he was going to do it ;3 hehehehe~
> 
> I hope you like this chapter Cx And I guess you are going to accuse me of being a saddist instead of just evil by now xDDDDDD But heyyy~
> 
> Izaya called for it mwahahahaha
> 
> I´m so evil- xD
> 
> Anyway- it´s finals time to be precise- the last two weeks of January are finals time T-T.
> 
> Sorry, but I won´t be updating until the start of February xc I dunno cx maybe I do manage to squeeze one chappy of this in, but hmmmmm I don't know-
> 
> We will see cx
> 
> But hey~
> 
> Look forward to: Chapter 9: Silence- due to ?February2016 xD It´s actually done, just needs to be beta-ed, maybe you will get that one before February :3
> 
> See you~


	9. ஜ Silence ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy~! *0* And welcome to chapter 9~! *^* I finally returned xD a lil earlier even~! xD hehehe I love how you love and curse this xDD Shizuo sure can be evil~
> 
> But ohhhh you will love this chapter *^* I hope- xD
> 
> And yas I know xD I´m evil writing this stuff xD But don´t worry *^* This chapter and the next ESPECIALLY will turn out quite- surprising I might say~ xD and definitely get more interesting~ ;3
> 
> Oh well, enough rambling for now xD
> 
> Enjoy~!

\- Izaya´s point of view.-

Black.

Just black.

That was literally what he found himself in. Just pitch black. Darkness.

He knew what happened.

He remembered the tight grip on his neck.

The sting on his cheek.

The pain in his head.

Everything.

He wondered why.

Why did he remember?

Why was he thinking?

The blond killed him right?

He choked him to death.

He had to.

He had seen Shizu-chan´s eyes.

He was willing to.

And yet.

…

Why was he conscious?

Swish

A soft sound reached his ears.

Then silence again. A comforting silence.

Swish

Again.

The more he started to concentrate on the sound the more he noticed the familiarity of it.

A jolt traveled through his skin when he tried to move his hand.

Swish

Again.

And then he slowly opened his eyes.

White flooded his senses almost immediately and he squeezed them shut. The bright light was making his head ache more than he thought it would-

Only reluctantly he opened them once more.

And then he waited, waited for them to focus.

A white ceiling. That was the first thing he noticed.

He let his eyes travel further down, down to his own body and spotted a familiar figure sitting in front of him.

Shinra.

Swish

He was reading a book. Some kind of medical book it seemed. At least the cover looked like it- having a skinned human body on it. His hair was standing away in all directions as usually, as he let his eyes travel over the numerous words.

He hadn´t noticed Izaya was staring at him yet. At least his fixated look on his book told the raven so.

The familiar sound he had heard was the noise being made when the bespectacled turned a page.

Wait-

Why Shinra?

A slightly confused frown spread over Izaya´s expression.

What happened?

Had he been dreaming?

Maybe he didn´t even meet Shizu-chan and Celty simply found him in that alley…?

Hah.. that might as well be the case- taking so many pills must have caused him to halluzinate quite a bit.

It would explain the brute´s behavior too.

Really now…

He closed his eyes actually somewhat relieved.

He could still picture it clearly. He couldn´t keep a smile from appearing on his face. He must have been delirious.

There was no way the blond would be that perceptive. There was no way he would save him from jumping in front of a truck either.

Shizu-chan hated him, no! Detested him.

Let alone patching up his wrist was something that he definitely wouldn´t d-

Wait-

No.

NO.

NO!

He couldn´t be at Shinra´s!

He couldn´t!

Panic was starting to control his senses and his eyes flew back open, looking down his own body.

A white blanket was spread over his body- but-

He froze-

… Confusion spread over his expression when he noticed his shirt-

His shirt.

… he was still wearing his own clothes…?

"Ah, you woke up." Startled Izaya´s eyes snapped up to meet the bespectaclet´s. His thoughts were riding rollercoaster when the bruenette closed his book shut with a smile and placed it on the desk behind him.

Fuck- anyone! Anyone but Shinra!

He had to escape- to get away!

Really quick, before he could-

"Izaya."

…

And then his thoughts froze.

…

That voice…

Only slow he turned his head to look into the direction of the door.

What he saw there threw him completely out of concept.

Utterly and completely.

"Whatever hit you on your head, it knocked you out pretty long. You have been out of it for over 10 hours!" Shinra grinned smugly, adjusting his glasses.

But Izaya didn´t even hear Shinra anymore.

He was just staring at the figure over there.

"… Shinra." He mumbled, finding his voice to creak way more than he thought it would as he kept staring- a glare settling on his face.

"What is Shizu-chan doing here?" the words dripped off his lips like venom as he stared at the hated ex-bartender.

The blond- was leaning there.

Just next to the door he was leaning on the wall and looking straight at Izaya without giving a single fuck about this situation it seemed.

A half smoked cigarette was hanging loosely from his mouth as he stared right back at the raven-

"Ahh, that´s a good question Izaya. I thought you could tell me." Shinra suddenly mumbled, adjusting his glasses and glanced at the brute as well- making Izaya frown questioningly.

"What?"

The bespectacled blinked, obviously surprised by Izaya´s answer- or better, by Izaya´s obvious lack of information in this regard.

"Don´t tell me you have no idea why Shizuo carried you all the way here…?" he muttered- "How hard did you hit him with that vending machine Shizuo?" Shinra whined in a sing sung voice. "Oh actually," his face lit up and he touched his chin with his index finger thinking. "You should have hit him harder! Maybe if he got amnesia he would turn out to be less of an asshole!" Shinra thought aloud, nodding to his own hypothesis.

Izaya tensed at the statement, cautiously eyeing the doctor.

Vending machine…?

He knew what happened-

And he knew that it was not a vending machine that caused him to pass out.

"You see, I don´t know what you did, but Shizuo actually carried you here. Saying you hit your head. Well- I guess with you two there is obviously only one thing that could hit your head that hard."

And so he figured that it must have been a vending machine´s fault - Izaya finished in his head.

Logical conlusion.

Izaya´s eyes turned into tiny sliths as he glared at the debt collector.

Those things… they all seriously happened.

Did he actually just pass out? If so, then why? Did he pass out from being hit by that car? Or from Shizu-chan choking him? Or hitting him multiple times?

He didn´t even need to look into a mirror to know he probably had a huge bruise on his face and multiple others on his body.

He let his hand wander to his throat, feeling around it, only to slightly flinch when he noticed that it hurt.

He bet he had some kind of really ugly looking bruise there.

But then-

Why the hell would he bring him here?

Why didn´t he just leave?

Why did he patch him up?

Just- why?

"Why?" he didn´t even notice he had mumbled that aloud, still frowning at the blond, while the hand was on his throat, but the doctor took it as a reasonable question to his own statement and answered with a shrug.

"I have no clue~!" Of course the doctor wouldn´t know the answer. If anyone then only Shizu-chan could give him the solution he searched for.

And so yet another "why" added to his questions list-

Why was Shizu-chan keeping quiet?

A clear of throat drew his attention finally back to the doctor.

He hadn´t even realized that he had been staring at the blond all along.

"Anyway," Shinra started, addressing the blond this time. "Izaya woke up now, so Shizuo uh could you, you know, leave now?" Shinra voiced, but Shizuo just kept staring at Izaya.

For the first time since Izaya had woken up he moved- dragged his hand up to remove the cigarette from his lips.

But his eyes were not leaving Izaya for a single second while doing that.

He wasn´t even looking at Shinra while he spoke.

But at Izaya instead.

"No."

Simply no.

He didn´t say anything else.

Izaya could hear Shinra give a sort of sigh at the answer, but he couldn´t care less right now about that doctor.

Izaya knew Shizu-chan was as smart as an ameba when it came to talking, but he did expect him to say at least a little bit more considering the things that happened by now-

…

Why was he still there? And…. Most importantly-

…

Why did he not tell Shinra anything?

It was strange. It was really strange.

He had known Shinra for years. He would even go as far and say Shinra knew him best of all people he ever had come in contact with.

So- if Shinra seemed normal like this, like nothing happened at all, as if this was just a routine check up, then possibly…

…

"Ne, Shinra… what about my left arm…?" Izaya breathed, his voice trembling more than he wanted it to as he glanced warily at the doctor´s reaction.

"Left arm?" the doctor blinked, looking like he was a little confused by the question. "It was already patched up when Shizuo brought you here."

So he was right after all-

Shizu-chan hadn´t said a word.

And Shinra hadn´t seen anything yet.

"You want me to check it up or something?" the bespectacled suddenly asked, making the raven flinch hard-

"No-!" he replied quickly- cursing himself for answering so fast. Shinra looked at him a little perplexed.

"I mean- No. It´s fine." He repeated, more calmly this time. Seeming suspicious was the last thing he wanted now.

"Well… I don´t really know what´s going on, but okay. Just so you know, I only treated that wound on your head. Looked pretty bad, but it was more bloody than damaged. About your leg and shoulder- well…" The doctor trailed off.

"Don´t think I´m lying now Izaya." He raised his hands in defence as if to underline what he was saying was true. "But Shizuo didn´t allow me to properly examine you." Izaya blinked.

But said nothing, instead his eyes turned into sliths as he glanced at the blond.

…

… what does he think he is doing…?

He had obviously been keeping the bespectacled from discovering his cuts.

Why?

It couldn´t be for his sake right?

No. As far as Izaya could judge that blond he bet Shizu-chan would want Izaya to get himself admitted to some psychiatric clinic so he wasn´t a hassle to him anymore. If anything at all.

… but then why didn´t he say anything?

"Izaya?" startled he snapped his head back to Shinra.

"Yeah?" Only now Izaya noticed that the doctor had been talking to him all along.

"I just asked if it would be alright with you if I took a look at your shoulder, just to make sure it isn´t serious."

Izaya froze-

Ah.

Looking at his shoulder…

That meant he had to take off his shirt-

Ahhhh- bad idea. Suspicious lines were aligning all over his body…

Shinra wasn´t stupid.

"I don't think that´s necessary." Izaya waved him off quickly, putting on his trademark smirk.

He had to act normal now. Shinra didn´t know anything but if he didn´t pay attention he might realize something was off.

And a naggy Shinra was the worst thing ever.

The doctor blinked at the answer but just shrugged.

"If you say so." He mumbled. "Guess you can leave then. Your jacket should be somewhere in the living room." Suddenly the sound of a door falling into its lock resounded in the apartment and a smile flashed over the doctor´s face.

"Celty darling, welcome home~!" the doctor immediately chirped and before Izaya could even blink the doctor was already running out of the room-

…

Sometimes Izaya really did think that Shinra was a little strange regarding his love to that headless dullahan.

But that wasn´t even what he was going to think about now. The moment Shinra had left the room his only focus rested on the blond opposite to him.

Silence hung in the room and neither really felt a need to speak to the other at the moment.

To be honest Izaya still was quite perplexed.

Maybe it were the hits to his head that he received from the blond.

Could also be the pills he took, he didn´t know.

If it wasn´t a necessity for Izaya to find out what really happened he would have preferred to stay in this comforting silence.

But remaining clueless about the blond´s reasons? That´s a state he couldn´t remain in now could he?

"So-" he started, cutting through the quiet atmosphere. "You made me pass out? And then you brought me to Shinra? Tell me Shizu-chan, what kind of logic is that?" he asked, intending to provoke the blond- just a little bit.

Shizu-chan had stayed quiet all the time- which was a miracle in itself. And for once he really looked like he wasn´t angry at all.

It couldn´t stay that way.

He had to make the blond at least a little angry. Maybe that would get him to talk.

Not much of a reaction was shown at first, but then the blond closed his eyes, breaking the intense eye contact.

"I just wanted you to shut up. You didn´t listen. It´s easier to patch you up when you don´t wiggle around. That´s all." He answered, opening his eyes again to half return the glare that Izaya sent him.

Seems remembering what happened before pissed the blond off slightly.

Izaya just took in the information for a second, thinking about his next words carefully-

He was walking on thin ice here. One wrong word and he could get himself trapped in a situation he didn´t want to end up in.

"You…" the raven started to mumble softly- he didn´t want to accidentally have Shinra overhear their conversation. "You didn´t tell him… right?" he almost whispered, keeping his eyes locked with the blond.

For a second Shizu-chan just kept looking at Izaya.

Not responding.

Making Izaya more than just a little anxious. He couldn´t have interpreted Shinra´s acting wrong, right? He didn´t know right?

"I didn´t." A sigh of relief escaped the raven´s lips despite him trying to act indifferent with the blond.

He seriously didn´t tell him.

Shinra didn´t know.

For a second he really thought-

"You tell him."

…

The raven blinked.

"Huh?" only this unintelligible sound left his lips at the blond´s words.

What was he saying-

"Shizu-chan-"

"Do it or I will." The blond looked at him- and that´s when he realized- he was dead serious.

When Shinra came back- he would tell him.

He would-

He felt nauseous.

If Shizu-chan told him, Shinra would keep him here.

Against his will.

A normal doctor would try his best and let him leave after a few tries or maybe even if he got admitted to a psychiatric clinic, he knew they were easy to escape from, he knew how to act to seem like everything was fine.

He knew how to get out of there.

But Shinra?

He would tie him up. He would do things no normal doctor would do because he wanted to "help"- Shinra knew Izaya!

He would know if he really was alright or just playing the part-!

He would rip him of all possibilities-! Of all freedom-!

He wouldn´t be able to leave! He wouldn´t be able to relieve himself of the pain in any way!

He didn´t want to be caught with all these-

All these thoughts- all these feelings-

Just-

No!

He didn´t want that-!

He did not want that!

"Shizu-chan if you do that I will bite my tongue off!" he shot so fast he wondered if the blond was even able to understand him- "I will bite it off! I`m serious! I will bite it off and bleed to death right her-" way too fast the blond pushed himself off the wall, and rushed right towards him-

Izaya flinched away, his back hitting the wall hard making metallic instruments fall clattering to the floor- his tongue stucking out at the speed of lightning-

Making the blond freeze halfway in his movement-

A frown spread over the debt collector´s features and he glared at the raven.

And then time seemed to stand still.

Izaya was remaining in his position as frozen and so was Shizuo.

Just a few steps separated the two from each other.

Izaya gulped, the tongue still out and between his teeth and a glare settled on his expression.

He could almost see how tense the blond was.

He had stopped.

He had taken the threat for real.

Fascinating.

He had stopped because he thought Izaya would do it.

Almost as if he cared.

Too bad Shizu-chan didn´t seem to know that one couldn´t really bleed to death that way.

Well except he bit on the clotted tongue long enough to bleed to death.

It was impossible to die fast this way though- even more so when the doctor was already next door.

Izaya knew that.

But, Shizuo didn´t-

He bet he was remembering some stupid movies where spies had killed themselves like that.

"Put that fucking tongue back in." the snarl had been filled with so much malice Izaya wondered if the blond would add a "or I´m going to kill you" phrase at the end.

Which would be a paradox in itself of course.

But he said nothing more.

He kept the glare, he kept his distance and didn´t move a muscle.

And Izaya did the same.

Faint steps were to be heard and soon enough the doctor that had left to welcome his lover returned to the room.

"So anyway Izaya, you can leave and-" Izaya didn´t even need to look at Shinra´s expression to know what he had to look like right now.

He could almost imagine him blinking, looking at Shizu-chan and then at him showing the blond his tongue.

"Guys uh- please just don´t destroy my apartment…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> C:
> 
> Shinra being awesome as fuck xD And the two looking like they are just about to fight, yayaya~ xD
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter :3 It was slightly longer too xD I will be udating in my regular fast fashion now again xD So, see you soon *0*
> 
> See you in chapter 10: Fixing fleas due to 5thFebruary2016
> 
> Love ya all *^* see you~! 
> 
> PSSSSS.: I recommend checking out my fanfiction page xDD Since i kinda updated there a few days ago and just forgot to update here- uuupppsss xD and i also got the cursive things cursive and the fat written emphasized things emphasized there correctly cx so heyyy~   
> https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5702437/Shirohime-s-Shizaya-stories#   
> would love to see you there xDD


	10. ஜ Fixing fleas ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyoooo minna san *0* And welcome to another chapter~!
> 
> Hehe I made sure to make this one well- special.
> 
> :3 You will see what I mean xD
> 
> And lovely lovely thanks to my dear friend Anna who helped me with this 3 I almost hesitated on posting it xD
> 
> Well then,
> 
> Enjoy~! *^*

-Izaya´s point of view-

"Please just don´t destroy my apartment..."

The air was tense.

Neither of them moved yet and Izaya doubted either of them would do so anytime soon.

He wasn´t going to let the blond get any closer nor tell Shinra what really had been going on.

No way in hell.

"Uhm… Izaya, could you, you know, stop provoking Shizuo, please?" he heard the quiet plead from his old friend and couldn´t help but to feel a little odd at the way he put it.

It wasn´t even him, who was causing trouble this time.

It was the brute who constantly interfered.

Who constantly interrupted Izaya- who kept him from finally doing what everyone, really fucking everyone in this city would be glad of to happen.

So what the hell did he even think he was doing?

The fear he had felt earlier was slowly but surely turning into a bitter bile of anger inside Izaya´s throat.

Who- just who did Shizu-chan think he was to interfere with his business?!

He had no fucking right-!

NO fucking right to take his knife away. NO fucking right to push him away from that truck- NO fucking right to drag him here to Shinra´s instead of leaving him alone to do what he wanted-

It pissed him off.

It pissed him off how Shinra thought it was him who was causing the trouble here.

When everything was just that fucking brute´s fault-

He hated the bitter taste it left on his lips.

"Tell that the protozoan over there-" he hissed, drawing his tongue back in again.

His glare was still fixated on the blond.

And even though he had retracted the obvious threat to himself he had stated to Shizuo before- which was a hilarious thing in itself if he might say- he knew the blond wouldn´t say anything.

He didn´t know what the hell was going on inside Shizu-chan´s head.

But he knew it had something to do with him not dying.

Whatever fucking reason or moral or whatever he had for it-

That was what he seemed to be dead set on.

So he was going to use it-

The blond just clicked his tongue in annoyance and pulled out another one of his cancer sticks.

Staying where he was.

Izaya knew Shinra hated it when Shizu-chan smoked inside his room. But the way he kept quiet about it he figured he believed it was safer for his furniture to do so.

Seeing what kind of glare had settled in Shizu-chan´s eyes Izaya almost would have believed the same if he didn´t know the reason for this glance.

"Uhm… I guess it would be better if you two leave now, okay? You are fine, Izaya. And Shizuo- I don´t even know why you are here to begin with-" Shinra mumbled.

Yeah.

An annoyed smiled crossed Izaya´s expression.

Nobody knew that.

Quickly, maybe a little too quick, he heaved himself out of bed.

He was slightly light headed - probably still from the car crash.

The way his ears had rang and he hadn´t been able to coherently understand what the people around him were saying on the street, he did figure that the hit must have been quite hard.

He would refrain from touching the plaster on his forehead anytime soon.

But something like feeling a little under the weather wasn't going to keep him here even a single second longer.

Wordlessly he pushed himself past the doctor and headed straight for the door.

Pushing it open he entered the living room.

Celty was still there.

She wasn´t wearing her helmet anymore and instead sitting on the couch, warily eyeing him- heh… if you could even put it that way considering she didn´t have eyes to watch him with to begin with.

Izaya paused shortly, turning his head to look at the dullahan.

Wordlessly though.

Did she deliver what he asked her to?

Probably.

She was a dependable courier after all when it came to things like this.

Even if she distrusted him greatly. That monster hated him, didn´t she?

Almost as much as Anri-chan hated him he would say.

He didn´t even need to look behind him to know that Shizu-chan was following him again.

And he wasn´t going to let himself be bothered by that fact anymore.

He would lose him.

Somehow.

He would lose him on the way.

Once they were outside. Or whatever, right now he didn´t care.

The coat Shinra had been talking about was laying on a cupboard along the way and he let his hands slide over it quickly to take it with him.

"Thanks for patching me up Shinra." He mumbled quietly, while pulling on his favorite trade mark jacket.

"Just make sure not to come again~" the doctor joked as usual, making something akin to a smile appear on Izaya´s face for but a second.

How could one single sentence hold so many different meanings…?

And there Shinra said he was the one who talked with a doubled tongue.

He stepped out of the apartment.

Took a step.

One, two.

Clack.

The door fell into its lock.

Shizu-chan had closed it.

And Izaya stopped.

Just, for a little bit.

He didn´t even care that the blond was watching him.

And he certainly didn´t care about what he was thinking.

If he wanted to leave he had enough room to pass Izaya on the stairs.

And if not- that was his problem.

... he was… still living wasn´t he?

He actually...

A hand found its way to Izaya´s forehead and he just left it there.

Standing on the stair.

Somehow, only now, that he got out of there, that he got to be alone- in a sense- he got to actually think about everything that happened.

He tried to kill himself.

Only slowly he continued his steps down the stairs.

He really…

"Izaya."

A frown crossed Izaya´s face and he tilted his head only slightly to look over his shoulder.

Shizu-chan was staring at him.

But he didn´t even look like he was going to ask anything.

Of course- that brute was only calling his name again, wasn´t he? Just like before.

Was he mocking him on purpose?

Angry he stepped down the rest of the stairs, entering the little hall on the first floor.

Two doors were leading to the streets outside and it always reminded him slightly of his own apartment complex´s hall.

He stopped in the middle of it, his trademark smirk back in place just as it should be.

"Ne, Shizu-chan, how long are you going to keep following me? Forever? Better watch your back I might stab you in your sleep." He spat, sarcasm dripping of his tongue while doing so.

He didn´t really have a plan. But he was downright sick of Shizu-chan following him around as he pleased.

"Don´t worry about that." Izaya blinked when the blond actually answered, the cigarette still between his lips. "I won´t leave my eyes off you for a second."

…

Izaya blinked.

"You- .. what..?" Did that brute actually intend to follow him home?

He had to be joking.

No not only that- what did he mean when he said he wouldn´t leave his eyes of him?

What was he thinking he was doing?

"I´m going to fix you."

The words had surprised the raven to an extend that rendered him speechless for more than a few seconds.

…

"…excuse me…?" He must have misheard, right?

That brute was fucking joking, right?

Shizuo ruffled through his own hair as he watched the informant in front of him.

He could tell how confused Izaya was by this. And fuck he was too, he had to admit.

"Don´t get me wrong, you fucking piss me off. Hell you still do! I freaking hate you! I don´t even want you anywhere near me!" he continued, already feeling like hitting that stupid louse once again-

A snort was to be heard, not exactly helping the rage that was starting to build.

"Wow, news flash, I feel the same way towards you, remember?" Shizuo frowned, and bit down on his cigarette, trying to keep his temper.

He couldn´t believe he was even saying this.

"Yeah- But I´m going to fix you."

…

He didn´t get it.

Izaya didn´t get it at all.

"That doesn´t make sense at all Shizu-chan." What did the blond think he was doing?

"It doesn´t need to make sense to you."

What did he even think he could do?

That single brained protozoan?! What the hell did he even think he was talking about?!

It pissed him off!

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" He yelled that response louder than he had intended to.

But no one was in the hall and he couldn´t give less of a shit right now.

"No. I´m going to fix you flea." Fix! Hah-!

That brute?!

Laughable- as if he could be fixed! He wasn´t some broken doll he could glue together.

He was a human!

A messed up one at that!

"Are you fucking delirious?! You aren´t going to do anything Shizu-chan! I´m going home!"

"No!" And all of a sudden he found the blond stepping closer towards him-

That fucking-

"Why not?!" he yelled back, not getting just what the hell Shizu-chan wanted from him! Just why the hell he was bugging him like this, just why-

"YOU KNOW WHY!" the raven unwillingly jolted, taking a single step back as a fist embedded itself into the wall next to Shizu-chan.

He had cracked the bricks.

"Why do you even want to die, Izaya?!"

…

… why…?

…

The question had caught him off guard.

No… actually..

He paused, and kept his lips shut, his eyes travelling down to the floor as he started to think…

Right now… right now, at this moment...

Shizu-chan wasn´t right.

He didn´t want to die.

… it was never what he really wanted to begin with.

He wanted the pain to stop.

He just wanted to stop hurting.

He just…

He had been so sure- and now-

He had thrown himself in front of that truck right…?

He had planned to cut his wrists once and for all right…?

He could feel his hands starting to shake softly as a feeling of nausea made it´s way to his stomach.

He felt like someone punched him into the guts.

…

He almost killed himself...

He almost ended up being dead. Gone.

Forever.

…

Laughable how he only realized now.

He didn´t want to die.

He actually didn´t.

He didn´t enjoy life anymore. But he didn´t really want to die.

But he knew he would do it again.

He knew he was going to do it.

Because there was no other choice.

He just couldn´t take it anymore.

He didn´t want to answer these stupid questions. Shizu-chan would never understand.

Why could Shizu-chan not just leave him alone already…?

Shizu-chan wouldn´t understand.

Shizu-chan wouldn´t understand how he felt.

He didn´t know what it meant to be in this pain.

He didn´t know what it meant to go as far as to want to kill himself.

Just to end the pain.

Just to escape-

Just...

He didn´t want to be dead.

He just wanted to be okay…

Just once more.

Just…

Crap.

He felt like crying.

"I asked why you want to die!" Shizuo repeated, louder and probably angrier sounding than he intended to. But he just wanted to know why!

Why?!

Why that annoying louse?!

Izaya could feel his hands tremble when the voice shook him again.

He had to hold himself together.

Not in front of Shizu-chan.

At home. At home he could fall apart.

"Is that such a fucking difficult question?!" the blond bellowed making Izaya flinch.

He would never understand.

"Tell me!"

Never.

He inhaled deeply, trying to calm himself down.

… if just his tongue wouldn´t feel so heavy inside his mouth and his throat weren´t so constricted by this familiar lump.

"It´s none of your concern." He close to whispered, but the blond still caught the words very well.

Shizuo just didn´t understand it-

"You fucking piss me off-!" he yelled at the flea.

"Whatever fucking reason you want to die for, I bet it could be worse!" he yelled, just making the raven flinch more.

Why was he even listening to the brute?

Why even?

"Just shut up Shizu-chan. You don´t understand." That protozoan was never going to get something like this.

Never.

Not even if he really listened.

Because if he himself didn´t understand why he was thinking these things- then how could anyone else?

"I fucking won´t shut up! What is even wrong with you?!" he didn´t get it- The flea had everything! He had all the money he wanted, he was making others life´s miserable for his entertainment-

He was having fun all the time messing his life up and making his chase him through the streets!

"You are messed up you know that?!" he yelled- he just didn´t get it. That fucking bastard had everything! Everything he could think of! He was manipulative to a degree where he bet he could get anything he wanted with just a few words of his sick tongue. So why?!

"How can you think of suicide?! Your life's not that bad!" he clenched his fists.

"You have no reason to feel this way!" No reason!

No reason at all!

"You don´t even-"

And then he paused.

Because he had been looking at the floor.

He had been avoiding Izaya´s eyes, that stupid smirk that was obviously going to be placed there, so he wouldn´t just beat him up again.

But just now he had tilted his head up to look at the informant just once.

Just once.

To make sure what that flea was going to look like.

And that´s when he saw it.

And he stopped talking.

His eyes widened instead and his mind went blank at the sight of his enemy.

Tears.

Izaya Orihara- was crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awwwwwww poor flea- tch tch, Shizu-chan you keep saying just the wrong things. Ahhaaa but you don´t know better, don´t you? X3
> 
> But hey, don´t cry too much minna- soon, soon it´s going to be over.
> 
> You will find yourself thinking- well done Shizuo sooner than you think C: so the nice part isn´t too far away anymore 3
> 
> Well then I hope I teared your hearts open xD I hope you still liked it and see you next time *^*
> 
> Chapter 11: Too much to take due to 12thFebruary 2016


	11. ஜ Too much to take ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyoooo Minna-san~!
> 
> Sorry for the slight delay- bows-
> 
> But kinda lots of stuff happened like- my lover broke up with me and stuff- T^T
> 
> So yeahhh the mood for some Shizaya was kinda low haha cx
> 
> But now I´m alrighty again :3 *0* Ready for some Shizaya shit xD I shall hurry to finish chapter 34 as well x'D but for now hey hey heyyy~ take this~! C:
> 
> I hope you will like this chapter cx
> 
> And thank you all so much for your lovely reviews~! Cx you are so nice and lovely hehe cx
> 
> Also, thank you very much Guest 2 Cx I was trying to write this in the best realistic way as I could, so I was really really, REALLY damn happy when you wrote all that ;/; Thank you very much~! Cx Also, it inspired me greatly for this chapter hehe
> 
> And don´t worry, Shizuo will make up for all the bullshit he said :3 ;3
> 
> And special thanks to my lovely lovely beta who corrected this for me *^* Thank you very much~! cx
> 
> Enjoy~!

-Shizuo´s point of view-

He watched the liquid roll down Izaya's cheek. Silence had struck him and the words he was about to say were suddenly stuck.

He swallowed, feeling as if needles constricted his throat.

He had made Izaya cry.

It wasn´t like he particularly cared about that flea; he still hated him, of course, but the image, the scene unfolding in front of him -Izaya actually crying- and knowing it was his fault…-

Shit-

He really meant those words; he 100 percent meant them.

But now he couldn´t help but think…. that he had said something very wrong-

Hesitantly, Shizuo reached out, stepping forward- he didn´t even know what to do, he just wanted to reverse what he had said.

"… Iza-"

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"

The blond almost flinched at the loudness of Izaya´s voice. The calm and controlled flea with his stupid smirk had never yelled at him before. That stupid flea had never cried in front of him before-

Now he was standing there; looking at the floor instead of him, as little pearls of tears dropped to the ground.

He didn´t know what to do.

"… just shut up." The whisper reached Shizuo´s ears softly and he noticed how Izaya´s fists had tightened next to his body.

Shizuo frowned, but not in anger or displease like he usually did. This time, he frowned because of his own damn stupidity.

"Izaya… I-"

"..Shut up..." The raven suddenly tilted his head up, finally looking at the blond's face.

He was glaring, he really was glaring with all his might, Shizuo could tell, but it did close to nothing to hide how hurt he was.

The way his brows furrowed in an attempt to hide the pain did nothing at all.

His lips were pale and blackness - from lack of sleep- was surrounding his, now, slightly reddish eyes.

The tears dripping down Izaya´s pale cheeks only made him look even sicker than he did in that alley.

Yeah… sick…

Only then something seemed to finally click in Shizuo´s mind.

Izaya didn´t look sick- he was sick.

Until now, he had failed to see that Izaya was actually suffering from something that he couldn´t control. He thought, if he had just said something right or if he snapped the flea out of it or asked the right question, he would return to his usual asshole self.

He had failed to see… that Izaya was sick.

This wasn´t just some stupid mindset or belief that he hung onto... this was something beyond his control.

The more he started to think about it, the more he started to feel worse for what he had said.

He had basically yelled at a person for being ill. He had actually blamed him for this…

Fuck-

"Izaya." He started to mumble, still looking at the flea in front of him. "Izaya, I didn´t mean that."

He really didn´t, but he had no clue how to fix this now.

"Why not, Shizu-chan?" Shizuo blinked at the question. And then, the flea started smiling.

The corners of his mouth moved upwards, creating the bitterest smile he had ever seen.

"Haha…" a slight giggle left the raven´s lips, sending chills down Shizuo´s spine as he looked at the raven´s broken expression.

"You were right, you know." The smile lessened a little, revealing more of Izaya´s broken state of mind as he continued. The tears were still glittering in his pained eyes as they met Shizuo's… "See now why it´s best for me to die?"

Shizuo couldn´t take the sight in front of him.

He said he was going to fix the flea.

He would fix him-

He had to fix him.

… but he had no idea how to help-

He had never felt this helpless in his whole life before.

"Seriously, think about it-" the raven shrugged, closing his eyes for a brief second, making another teardrop fall to the floor.

"Just look at how fucked up I am!" he lifted his hands into the air as if to present himself- looking at the blond again. "I have all these things, my huge apartment, influence in the city, loads of money and yet I´m like this." He let the arms drop next to his body again, the smile leaving his expression completely.

"An ungrateful piece of shit as you would probably put it."

Shizuo frowned, suddenly stepping forward, towards the raven. Izaya didn´t even move this time. He had lost the interest to even try and do anything against what the blond had in mind.

They were almost close enough to touch while Shizuo was still struggling for words.

"Izaya I didn´t mean that, I just-"suddenly, loud laughter startled both of them.

Shizuo stopped in his tracks and Izaya let his glance travel to (one of) the front doors.

A group of young teenagers had entered the building. Four of them. Probably not older than 17.

"And so, I told that dude that I-"

"Oi, aren´t that Orihara and Heiwajima?!" One of the guys wearing a yellow scarf yelled that, interrupting his fellow friend.

Shizuo clicked his tongue, a vein already popping on his forehead- he had no fucking idea why, but those boys suddenly pissed him off a great deal for fucking interrupting-

And then he froze entirely.

He had been about to take a step towards the group, when he noticed something move next to him.

Move away-

But his eyes were only fast enough to see the second front door fall back into its hinges-

Izaya-

Almost at the speed of lighting, almost making him slip on the tiled floor, he dashed to the door, pushing it open so violently, it crashed into the wall as it swung open- spotting his enemy down the street-

The raven- was running.

"IZAYA!" Instantly, the blond dashed after the flea-

Why was he even running away?!

He followed him with his eyes, watching him jump on top of a building´s window banks, heaving himself on top of them with his parkour skills-

And followed him as quick as he could-

Fuck! Why was he running away again?!

Why wouldn't he let him help him?! He had no idea how, he didn´t know what to say or do- but FUCK.

That stupid smartass bastard surely knew of a way; he must know something Shizuo could do, even if he himself didn´t-!

He didn´t want Izaya to die! He realized that the day before yesterday! He hated him, he fucking hated this bastard, but he didn´t want him to die-!

Seriously, why did that guy have to decide now that he wanted to take his life?!

Panting, he dashed after the raven, followed him on top of buildings, running from roof to roof, then down again, onto the streets- just running, running at high speed-

Why was he running away from him?!

Just why-

And that´s when sudden realization hit him hard.

He knew why Izaya was running away.

That wasn´t a secret, he didn´t know why he didn´t want his help, but he knew why he was running away.

To finish what he started-

But that wasn´t even what he noticed.

Dread filled his senses and his blood ran cold during his run as he noticed a single thing.

He never managed to catch Izaya.

He felt as if someone just punched him into the stomach-

The flea was getting farther away-

This time- if he didn´t catch the flea this time-

An incredible sense of fear suddenly invaded his senses as he watched the crowds fly past him on his chase.

If he didn´t catch him now… he would never get to chase him ever again!

"IZAYA!" his lungs were already burning and craving for breath as the flea moved even farther away from him-

"IZAYA!"

He was losing him-

"IZAYAAA!"

*SCREETCH*

Pain suddenly hit him hard from the side and threw him onto the street. He hadn´t even noticed the honking car that was driving towards him before it hit his side-

Before he knew it, he found himself on the ground again-

But it didn´t even take a second to stand up again, to ignore that bastard that was getting out of his car now-

Because his eyes had spotted Izaya.

Just one shopping complex apart from an alley- an alley that could lead to anywhere-

He didn´t even hear the guy yelling at him for running onto the road like this, he didn´t even notice the guys surrounding them stare at the poor guy in fear because he obviously didn´t know he was talking to Shizuo Heiwajima.

But what he noticed was a vending machine and then, it seemed as if time had chosen to continue running in slow motion-

The metal screws in the ground flew away as the metal was torn off its hinges- the guy suddenly stopping his rant and his eyes going wide as saucers as Shizuo lifted the object above his head.

For a second, his brain just went into offline mode and he threw that thing as hard as he could-

The only goal in mind- to hit Izaya before he could disappear into that alley-

Before he could disappear to God knows where-

And then it flew- through the air, few fragments of the broken glass dropping to the ground as it did- people staring at it and screaming as it whooshed past their heads-

And then the flea turned around-

Just in time, to see the red backside of the object before it crashed into him-

And then it was quiet.

…

Shizuo panted, looking at the scene.

The vending machine was on the ground.

And Izaya was too-

…

He hit.

He hit him-

He actually hit him-

A second passed as Shizuo just stared at the huddled figure on the ground.

He wasn´t moving-

…

…

…

SHIT

His legs moved despite the protests they sent to his brain and he ran down the street.

Shit!

Shit!

Shit!

The people stepped aside in fear, having seen that one of their usual fights was going on again.

A little crowd was starting to gather around the flea as Shizuo arrived at the scene.

The first thing he noticed was that there was no blood before he yanked the motionless body up from the street.

"Izaya-!" but Izaya wasn´t responding.

Panic almost threatened to fill Shizuo´s mind for a brief second, before he noticed something.

Breathing.

Slight heaving up and down of Izaya´s chest.

And throbbing.

From the way he had yanked the flea up by his shirt, he could feel his heart beat against his fist.

Alive.

A relieved sigh left the blond's lips.

For a second he really thought he-

"They are fighting again!" screams and rambling that he had ignored until that point suddenly reached his ears and he actually noticed the crowd around them.

Girls were squealing in fear. Teenage boys were making a video with their phones.

"This time he killed him- Finally!" one of them was screaming and then more and more-

"He got that bastard!"

"Good job!"

"That bastard deserves to die!"

"NO wait! He is still breathing!"

"Kill him off!"

Kill him off

The sentence kept repeating in his head as those people kept saying similar things-

Kill him off

A vein popped at Shizuo´s forehead as he glanced at the unconscious raven. He still remembered the words he said before.

"See now why it´s best for me to die?"

"Kill him!"

"Come on, do it already!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" The words thundered through the streets. Louder than he had ever yelled Izaya´s name, making them all shut up instantly.

A glare worse than death appeared on Shizuo´s eyes as he eyed the people around him, sending chills down their spine.

The girls ran away. The boys stopped filming-

In a few seconds, they had all scrammed- and the two were left alone on the street.

Slowly, Shizuo glanced back at Izaya´s expression.

Dried tears were still sticking to the corner of his eyes.

… he was light.

Really light.

Those bastards…

He was torn between hating the flea and hating those people around him.

Not only the crowd, but everyone.

They seriously wanted him to kill the flea, right? They really wanted this to happen. Sure, the flea was an asshole. A huge one at that.

But death?

Sure, he always threatened to kill the flea.

…. But not like that.

Not for real.

He wasn´t a murderer.

Yet those people around him...

The frown on his face darkened and he tugged the flea up, throwing him over his right shoulder.

Just like yesterday.

This was the second time already, ne?

And both times his fault.

The marks on Izaya´s neck looked beyond awful.

… he had seen them yesterday already... when he passed out.

He hated violence.

"The things you make me do, flea…" this was the reason he hated the flea because he made him use that violence.

"I seriously hate you- you hear me?" he mumbled, more to himself then the flea as he started moving forward.

"You are an asshole, making me do all this stuff and you know it." he continued, paying attention to the unconscious body on his shoulders, so he wouldn´t fall off.

"You piss me off all the time." This time, he would do it right.

"And that´s why I´m going to fix you." He was going to fix the flea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ups, seems Shizuo almost killed the flea at his attempt to save him xD Well shit xD But good thing nothing serious happened, ne? cx
> 
> Now now, the fun part is about to start~! Where do you think Shizuo will bring the flea now~? Hint: Not Shinra´s place C:
> 
> hehe next chapter will finally pick up at the actual "helping part" than the -i´m gonna hit you until you are back to normal part- xD I hope chu liked this chapter~!
> 
> See you soon in:
> 
> Chapter 12: A sense of understanding due to 26thFebruary.2016


	12. ஜ A sense of understanding ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey heyyy! *^* xD Here is a new chapter! *^*  
> I AM SO SORRY xD  
> you will probably hit me now but actually I updated already since.... a week ago xD on fanficion- upsssssss   
> Im so sorry sometimes i just forget I have an account here too now and I literally forgot to udpate here xD   
> SORRY -bows- 
> 
> Thank you tsukihime_chan xD you are awesome xDDDDDD that was by far the most creative review i ever got x'D so creative omg - sorry for taking so long for this update >//////

\- Izaya´s point of view.-

So warm.

He felt something soft and familiar brush against the skin of his hand.

Some kind of fabric- no, wait.

He knew this texture didn´t he?

Unwillingly he cracked one of his eyes open, light making him blink a little as he spotted the white fabric within his sight.

It was his blanket-

He was at home in his bed?

…

And it was light in here... the whole room was illuminated.

The sun is already up..?

Glancing to the side he spotted his alarm. It read 1pm.

1pm?

How long did he sleep-?

A little confused he lifted up his arm to rub his eyes, only to stop when he felt something unusual sticking to it. Something that felt equally warm and soft but maybe more itchy than the blanket before.

He brought his arm to his face, inspecting the body part, only to blink when he spotted a bandaid around it.

…

Shizuo´s bandaid.

…

He tensed under the blankets, feeling as though now that someone was watching him.

Wordlessly he pushed himself up into a sitting position.

...

Heh…

He could have noticed the smoke in his room earlier.

Disgusting.

"Took you a while to wake up."

It were the only words that left the blond´s lips before he tugged the cigarette hanging from his mouth out to exhale the smoke.

Shizuo.

He was just sitting there.

On the wooden floor, his back leaning against the wall next to the door that lead to the living room. One of his legs was proped up and he had leaned his arm on it in a leisurely fashion.

"... I do hope I´m not awake yet." the raven mumbled, annoyance already invading his mind. The prospect of Shizu-chan sitting there just being a hallucination of some sort was way more tempting than the actual thought of having that brute inside his bedroom.

But damn, sadly he knew that what he was seeing wasn´t a prank of his mind. A frown carved itself on his expresson as he let the recent events pass through his head once more.

He knew what happened.

Everything. He remembered it all.

...

A moment of silence filled the room and Izaya let himself fall backwards into the bed again, just staring at his ceiling.

Too much information, too many things to think about were now bugging his mind when he was just tired from feeling all this stuff.

He let his eyes close as he tried to summarize the past events into a more rational and understandable context.

He had wanted to kill himself, with pills, alright. But instead of dying he dreamed he jumped from the roof Kamichika Rio jumped from and woke up again- throwing them up nontheless.

He could still feel the bitter taste it left on his mouth.

...

But he really wanted to end it, so he used his knife to cut his wrist. The wrist that was now bandaged. So far so well, now for the confusing part-

Shizuo came. Of course, the second that brute was involved everything just had to become a confusing mess, hadn´t it?

The protozoan spotted him in the alley, by accident as far as he knew, took his knife away and left. This part actually still, made sense to him. It was the what happened then that irritated him so greatly.

After that Izaya got up and wandered around in Ikebukuro until he came to that bridge.

And Shizuo appeared there again. And if he didn´t know it better it almost looked like the blond had been running for quite while. He didn´t really know what, but it almost seemed as if the blond had been chasing something before he spotted the informant.

Whatever reason it was that he was running for, it wasn´t too important, because he actually stopped when he saw Izaya.

The ameba followed him even and pushed him out of that truck`s way. He kept following him until they ended up in an alleyway with a pharmacy.

Shizu-chan knocked him out.

Then Shinra patched him up.

Izaya tried to run away.

Shizu-chan got him, this time really with a vending machine.

But he also stated that he wanted to "fix" him.

To sum it up...

Shizu-chan went crazy.

The brute probably hit his head too hard somewhere and now he was a mental case for them both or something. Because, what on earth would suddenly make him say that he wanted to "fix" him?

That Shizu-chan was sitting on exactly that spot before the door, was no coincidence, that was sure. Why? Because then Izaya wouldn´t be able to leave without the blond noticing.

Inhaling deeply he pushed himself into a sitting position once more. This time getting comfortable in it as he looked at the blond.

Heh, he looked quite bad himself, with that bloody sleeve from the glass shards that had been stuck into it. He didn´t pay much attention to it before, but Shinra did patch Shizu-chan up as well, ne?

He did wonder what happened to the wound on Shizu-chan´s forhead, after all he had bleed from there too after he threw himself in front of the truck.

That monster probably healed already or some shit.

At least he had put off the stupid bartender vest.

"Why are you here, Shizu-chan." the raven asked loud and clear his voice basically cutting through the cold silence. But rather than a question it sounded more like a statement, like a demand. The blond solely blinked at what he said and set the cigarette off his lips.

He didn´t seem to be particularely surprised by the question.

"Cuz I found a key with an adress attachted to it, so I figured this is your real apartment." he explained, shoving his left hand into his pocket to pull out a clinking key.

The raven propped up his ellbow, resting his chin in his palm. So he was playing stupid huh? He knew this wasn´t what Izaya meant.

"I have more than just one apartment Shizu-chan. You chose the one I am actually using right now, but that´s not what I meant." Izaya explained, making the blond arch his eyebrow as he stuck the key back into his pocket.

"What do you mean then?" he asked, but his question didn´t sound like a question either.

It was Izaya´s time to frown a bit as silence occupied the room for a little while again.

Was he trying to be smart now? Trying to play his games?

"Why were you in that alley yesterday?" he started, "Why were you at the bridge? Why were you at Shinra´s? Why are you here?" he asked the questions one after the other, knowing the brute would have no chance to play dumb that way.

But it didn´t seem Shizu-chan intended to give Izaya the answer he wanted to hear anytime soon.

"I told you I would fix you, right?" that were the only words that left the blond´s lips for now.

As if that´s an answer. I would like to know the why to this.

And he would be damned if he couldn´t find it out.

"Okay," the informant shrugged, "Then let me ask you in a different way- Why do you want to fix me?" Just saying it out loud like that made Izaya feel like he just sacrificed some poor brain cells.

Fix hah-

Shizu-chan had no idea what he was even saying.

As if the protozoan even had any sort of idea how to even start "fixing" him.

He had no idea what was going on in that brute´s head.

For a little while the debt collector just sat there, the cancer stick in his mouth burning down mm by mm.

Only shortly before the ash dropped he set it off his lips and made Izaya cringe by putting it out on the floor.

"I don´t have to tell you that."

Izaya´s eyes narrowed at the response he got.

"Oh I think you do, considering you are in my apartment and bugging me since yesterday." he hissed.

He has had enough of the brute.

Seriously. But he smiled, knowing he kept a couple knifes just right under his pillow-

He would throw them at the blond to distract him, oh or maybe he could threaten Shizu-chan again with his own life, like at Shinra´s.

"I think Shizu-chan has been pestering me enough for now." he smirked, putting on his best grin as he slipped his hand under the pillow-

Only for his eyes to widen as he couldn´t feel the familiar touch of the cool blades.

Frowning deeply he turned his head and lifted the pillow up-

Only to spot nothing.

Nothing but white bed sheets.

They were gone.

"What-"

"You won´t find them there." Furious the raven snapped his head towards the blond who was still sitting just as calmly on that damn floor, eyeing him warily now though.

That brute fucking put his blades away-

"Where did you put them?" the raven spat, glaring at Shizuo who was sending something equal to a glare back at him.

"You seriously think I´m going to tell you where I put your blades?" The raven tightened his fists around the bedsheets.

This fucking-!

"Shizu-chan, this is trespassing." he started to talk in his usual teasing tune, "And thiefery even-! I might as well call the police and get you arrested for a real reason!" He remarked, but the blond didn´t seem to be fazed at all.

He just stared back at the raven, their gaze locking as he calmly responded-

"And I might as well call Shinra to get you locked up in a psychiatric clinic, for a real reason."

"..."

That shut the raven up for good.

He knew the flea would pull something like this, he just knew it. Well and for once he had been right about the flea´s actions.

Once he spotted the blades under the louse´s pillow he began his search.

All around the apartment, and damn, he found a lot of blades.

Even a gun.

The only thing that wasn´t in the flea´s apartment was his favourite flickblade that Shizuo recognized as the one he first cut him with in high school.

But that one he was still holding onto, ne?

That one knife.. smeared with the raven´s blood.

...

He had found more than one of those. Blades that had blood on them that is.

...

He didn´t really even get why, but it was bugging him a great deal to know the reason why they were smeared with red and whose blood it was.

Not that he cared... nah that wasn´t true, was it?

He hated the flea. In a sense he guessed he cared a lot about the flea. If he had been run over by a truck by accident, well fine, he deserved it. If he got beaten by some gang or shit that he played with, then well, he deserved it didn´t he?

But doing this to himself.. causing himself pain like this..

This whole scenario was just plain wrong in his eyes.

He had tried it. He figured it would be easy. If the skinny flea could do it then why not he? He really thought it would be something easy to do. When he found the blades that were smeared with blood he took one of the cleaner ones and tested it.

But he couldn´t even do it. Not that he was scared of pain, to him this would probably just feel like a mosquito bite anyway, but just the thought in itself was something that just didn´t make sense to him.

Why would he cut his own arm when there was noone to see it, why would he do this just to himself?

Why would Izaya do that?

It had to hurt for the flea. It had to.

So why?

He didn´t get what the point of it was. He didn´t get why the flea did the things he did and why he wanted the things he said. There was only one thing he did understand. He had to keep the raven from doing these things.

He didn´t want to say things anymore that obviously would get to him, but at least they seemed to make him listen and shut up for a second.

"Whatever." the word spoken by the raven snapped him out of his thoughts and he watched Izaya get out of bed.

The pants he wore were still dirty with his own crusted blood on them. He didn´t bother to change the flea earlier when he came into the apartment.

He was freezingly cold, so he threw him into the bed, but that´s it.

Warily he eyed the raven as he went to the bathroom door next to him.

"What are you doing?" that was the first question he asked as he got up, a frown already appearing on his face and leaned on the door frame.

The raven stopped, a glare settling in his eyes-

"Showering. I don´t know why that would be of interest to you." he hissed, both standing mere Centimeters apart.

"It is when I´m watching you." Shizuo retorted, his eyes narrowing. Did the flea not get yet that he wasn´t going to let him out of his sight?

Izaya plainly snorted at his answer and crossed his arms.

"So you are saying you want to watch me shower? Do you even hear yourself?" he raised an eyebrow, half suspecting the blond to get disgusted pretty near about now and leave his room.

But he was bitterly disappointed.

"I´m not leaving my eyes of you, Izaya."

Izaya searched, searched for a hint of a joke or maybe a second meaning or something, but that brute was still leaning on that door frame.

And he pretty damn well didn´t look like he was trying to be funny.

His fists tightening next to his body Izaya tried to remain his calm as he glared at the blond, setting up his most disgusting smile.

"Didn´t know you swung that way, lusting after my body that much?", he raised an eyebrow in sarcasm, pleased when he saw the blond´s expression harden considerably. "Ahh I see," he nodded, "Now it makes sense, so that´s why you were always chasing me!"

*CRACK*

Izaya hadn´t even noticed the blond had gripped the door frame until he heard it break softly under his obviously tight grip.

The brute looked like he was about to explode from anger.

Good. Because Izaya was pissed. Pissed beyond means.

A vein had popped on Shizuo´s forhead, but so far he didn´t attempt to hurt Izaya in any way yet. Almost the opposite, the more time went by the more he seemed to relax again. The raven was about to retort something else when the blond spoke up.

"You can say what you want, flea. I won´t leave." The raven´ s eyes narrowed, his lips still slightly parted from having been about to speak.

...

"I thought you already cleared all my knives away?" if the blond wasn´t going to lose his head about this matter then he would have to actually try to persuade him to let his eyes off him for just a few minutes.

But Shizu-chan just snorted.

"Yeah, right as if I can be 100% sure that I really found every single one."

Smart protozoan.

... this time he had to admit the blond was actually getting smart here. Even if it was the worst timing.

He really only wanted to wash this stench off.

"Shizu-chan, get out of here- now." he growled, stepping into the bathroom and grabbed the door, but the hand that Shizuo had on it wouldn´t even let it budge a little.

"Make me." Izaya clicked his tongue in annoyance.

"Shizu-chan I only want to shower, can you please just fucking leave?!"

But the only thing Izaya received was silence.

Silence, and a tight grip on the door he wanted to close.

"Tch-" one day, he swore, one day he would succeed killing this fucking protozoan.

Stomping he brushed past the blond-

"Forget it. I´m not showering." he mumbled, a glare being stuck on his face.

The blond´s expression darkened.

"So you did go in there because there is still one hidden." he concluded, already stepping inside the room, making the raven sigh in annyance.

"NO you bright ameba, that´s not it. But whatever. It´s not like I have to explain myself to you either, right?" the blond´s eyes narrowed.

"Yeah, right. Now get your ass over here already. You freaking do smell like someone threw up on you. Go wash of that stench or I will do it for you."

...

How. Just how did he get himself in this kind of situation?

How?

"So you are after my body after all." the informant lauged sarcastic, knowing he could annoy Shizu-chan with it, and indeed he could see the blond´s fists tighten slightly.

"You-!" he growled, "Don´t fucking piss me off-!"

The hell I´m doing.

"Or what? You going to hit me huh? Like at the pharmacy? Do it!" Izaya dared, not seeing how fast the blond could be at a short distance and found a hand on his already bruised neck within seconds.

He grinned slightly as he wrapped his palms aroud the hand that squeezed his windpipe.

"Shut the fuck up!"

Izaya grinned. Shizu-chan could try to remain calm as long as he wanted, he would always fail. There was just this certain anger probem that he couldn´t get past.

"Ah, trying to choke me again.", he laughed dryly. "Ne tell me Shizu-chan, were you scared when I passed out? Did you think you killed me for a second? Did you think of yourself as a monster?"

...

Shizuo couldn´t help but think of that scene the day before he found the flea in that alley.

.. feeling like a monster, huh?

Tch- this fucking bastard was it that turned him into a monster in the first place!

"Donat talk like you fucking know everything about me!" the blond roared, throwing the raven into the bathroom- against the tiles of the shower, creating just a tiny dent in the tile. And then there was giggling. Louder and louder it got until the raven was laughing again.

Fucking laughing.

Irritated Shizuo walked over, rasing the flea by his collar into the air, just under the shower head.

"What´s so fucking funny?!" the grip on Izaya´s shirt tightened, but the chuckles just increased.

"Ahahaha! Shizu-chan, this hurt you know? Hillarious, is this your definition of fixing me?! I think you should check up your grammar Shizu-chan." Shizuo blinked.

Then the grip on Izaya´s shirt loosened a little.

Shit, he had done it again, hadn´t he.

"Tch- No, it´s not." he mumbed, setting the raven on his feet.

He hated the flea. He hated him for making him become like this. Only to make him feel guilty.

"Aw, going soft on me now? I´m flattered." and then just pissing him off already like that.

"Just shut that freaking mouth of yours already, Izaya." he mumbled, frown as deep as before and gripped the hem of Izaya´s shirt.

And suddenly Izaya´s expression fell.

"Wai- what are you doing?"

...

Shizuo glanced up, noticing a change in Izaya. He couldn´t even pinpoint what it was, but something just changed about the flea within a second.

Warily he eyed him, freezing for just that little while.

"I told you, if you aren´t going to wash off that stench yourself then I will give you one hell of a shower." he answered, but this time he didn´t get a witty remark. At least not yet.

Because the raven was pretty busy staring at him.

He really did look like he wanted to say something, but he didn´t.

Odd. Something was just really odd right now.

He felt like he was doing something wrong. He was just making sure that stupid flea couldn´t do anything to himself- that couldn´t be wrong, could it?

"Shizu-chan, stop it." finally the flea mumbled that. But Shizuo shook his head with a sigh.

"Too late flea you had your chance-" he was fucking reeking of that dumpster alley, he wouldn´t watch the flea like that.

And so he started tearing up Izaya´s shirt- and the flea started going ballistic-

Suddenly he found fists being randomly aimed at his face-

But the flea was way too weak to even hit the blond properly before he got ahold of both of Izaya´s wrists with one hand, pinning him to the cold tiles as he pulled at his shirt.

"Shizu-chan stop it!" the flea sounded near desperate by now, and the strong feeling that bugged Shizuo, that felt like he did something wrong only got worse with each second.

"Tch, shut up! What are you even freaking out fo-"

And then he paused. Because he just ripped the shirt up halfway Izaya´s stomach.

Because he had spotted something there he didn´t expect.

The raven was still trashing, trying to get that brute off- That fucking stupid brute-

He hated him!

He hated him for doing just whatever the heck pleased him-

Just whatever he fucking-

"You even cut there…?" Izaya froze.

His eyes widened a fraction and he followed Shizuo´s eyes.

Ahaha...

He hated it.

He hated that protozoan.

He hated that stupid brute.

He hated him-

"Let me go already." He hated him so fucking much.

He swallowed slightly, still feeling how the brute had him pinned in the shower.

Feeling how he stared at him.

Feeling that familar lump return to his throat.

He hated Shizu-chan.

"...where else did you cut?" and the lump got only worse.

Izaya hated it.

The way that blond looked at him- he didn´t even fucking care, he never even noticed the slightest thing. Could he not just disappear?!

Go away?!

Leave him the fuck alone?!

Shizuo waited for a response. Some sort of reaction from the flea.

But he felt worse with each second that passed.

Each agonizing second that the flea looked like he just wanted to run away from him more.

Izaya swallowed hard, intending to speak, to say something to the blond that would make him stop feeling this way- but then he let go.

Shizu-chan did.

Suddenly the grip on his wrists left and the blond turned around.

Without another word he let himself slump down crosslegged in front of the shower.

His back to Izaya.

"10 minutes." he mumbled, tearing Izaya out of his surprised state.

"I won´t look. Now shower already you stupid flea."

...

Silence.

Izaya stared at the blond´s back.

"... and I can believe that because..?" he mumbled quiet, crossing his arms in the shower as a motion to cover up the ripped clothing.

"No reason. You only got 10 minutes. I would shower quickly if I were you."

..

He didn´t know why, and it was really stupid to do so he guessed, but he believed the blond.

Slowly he started to pull off his shirt.

...

His body disgusted him.

He shouldn´t care. He really shouldn´t. What for?

But still.

He didn´t want anyone to see him like this.

Especially not Shizu-chan.

Shizuo closed his eyes, just listening to the noises behind him.

He could hear the rustling of clothes. And then the water coming down.

For some reason he trusted the flea when he said he didn´t have any more knives in here. It was probably stupid to do so, but right now he trusted him.

.. mutual trust right now he guessed.

Weird. He never thought he would show the flea his back.

...

He had seen a few.

Cuts that is.

On his abdomen.

... He had a feeling that there would be more. But he thought they would be on his arms and maybe legs. But.. even there...?

And so many..

He seriously didn´t see it coming.

He didn´t. He saw those on his arm, and those were enough already, way too many already.

It stirred a sort of bad feeling inside him.

He hated this situation.

This wasn´t a situation he ever would have wanted to be in.

Suddenly the water stopped. Shizuo didn´t even know if it were 10 minutes or not. He never really intended to actually count the minutes.

Faintly he could hear the flea´s wet steps and the rustling of a towel.

"Flea." the rustling stopped.

...

Silence followed and he could almost picture the flea´s face in his head how he was thinking whether to respond or not.

"...yeah?" Only faintly he heard the reply.

"...next time," Shizuo mumbed, "... when I do something that makes you feel bad, just say so right away."

"..." Silence. Well he didn´t expect the flea to answer anything on that. If he said no it would just end up in a fight and if he said yes he would have to admit to Shizuo that what the blond did had somehow affected him in a certain way.

Both things that would never happen.

In one swift motion Shizuo got up from the floor.

The flea was standing there in just a towel after all, and he doubted he had any clothes in the bathroom.

"I will go to the kitchen. Go dress yourself and come down." he mumbled, stepping out of the bedroom and closed the door.

...

He had to admit, it wasn´t sitting well with him that he had to leave the flea alone like this in a room where possibly a single knife coud still be hidden somewhere, but for now he decided to trust the flea just slightly.

If he took longer than 2 minutes to get his ass down here he would bust the door in no matter what he was doing at the moment he thought as he stepped down a few little stairs.

Why there were even stars in this tiny apartment was a riddle to him.

Something like this was only inconvenient, no?

He made his way over to the fridge. For the time he had been here he had been pretty busy keeping an eye on Izaya and on finding the knives.

And since Izaya had been asleep since the morning he had pretty much skipped lunch.

He cringed a little when he looked into it.

For one thing, there was nothing in there that looked like something he wold enjoy eating. And for another thing- it was half empty.

There was some otooro at the back of the fridge, but he didn´t trust that one.

It didn´t look like it had just been placed there yesterday.

Same for the fruits. There were some, but the bananas were brown and the apples looked like they were about to transform into big versions of raisins.

The sound of a door opening drew his attention away from the fridge and to the bedroom instead.

Izaya had at least once done what he had asked him to.

He was coming out of the bedroom, wearing a long sleeved black shirt with little crossed strings in the middle of his V-shaped shirt and some long dark pants. A little towel was resting on his shoulders and he glanced shortly at the blond with his red eyes as he came down.

...

Shizuo eyed the raven as he sat down on a chair that was standing next to something that looked like a kind of bar to the blond.

He closed the fridge and leaned against it, scanning the raven.

His cheeks were slightly rosier in colour and even though there was a bandaid on his forhead, and those now purplish bruises on his neck, he did look a little better than before.

"... feeling better now?" he asked, leaning against the fridge.

A moment of silence filled the room before the raven propped up his ellbow on the bar to lean his head on it and replied.

"...Barely." he mumbled, his eyes not leaving the blond.

...

Silence again.

It was a nice change for once. The flea wasn´t trying to outsmart or provoke him.

It almost seemed like he would be honest right now.

"That before, never happened." the blond blinked slightly.

... he probably meant the way he flipped out and actually was bothered by what Shizuo had been doing.

...

"…got it." he could understand why Izaya said that. Not that he would really forget it, but he could avoid to talk about it.

…

Talking about avoiding things. He was avoiding something too wasn´t he?

"Izaya, I didn´t mean what I said before." he mumbled , crossing his arms in front of his chest loosely.

The raven blinked, looking like he didn´t now what Shizuo was talking about.

"Care to specify..?" the blond sighed and stepped away from the fridge.

"You know what I mean…" he mumbled, while rubbing his neck, slightly guilty. "The things I said before you, you know, at Shinra´s place." The flea visibly tensed when Shizuo mentioned that scene.

He didn´t seem like he expected Shizuo to bring it up again.

"I just kinda wanted to say sorry for that." he mumbled, the raven cringing at his words.

"I don´t want an apology from you Shizu-chan." he declared, looking slightly pissed even, "but well, be happy to know that your words don´t affect me at all." Izaya smirked, cupping his chin with both his hands, making Shizuo frown.

"Stop doing that." he mumbled already feeling the need for another smoke. The flea really was annoying him.

"With what?" he asked, cocking his head innocently.

"Acting that way. You cried. Don´t act like you don´t give a shit about what I said." That made the raven shut up again.

Shizuo didn´t want to use the raven´s feelings like that. But it pissed him off how he as still trying to pretend everything was fine when it was obviously not.

It irritated himm greatly.

"Can I ask you one question?" he asked, actually waiting for the raven to respond. A shrug was what followed.

"If it´s not a stupid one."

The blond stepped forward, leaning on the counter opposite to Izaya.

He really hoped he would get an honest answer from the flea.

"Izaya, why do you want to die?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> END chapter 12 xD
> 
> Hehehe, I hope you liked it cx especially since it was extra long this time cx
> 
> And remember: From now on updates will always come out on sunday cx up to three updates at once then with 3500 words each hehe cx
> 
> well then, with that being said, bye bye xD See chu soonish cx xD
> 
> PS.: IF there is NO update on sunday then pelase check by on fanfiction if you are really curious and stupid lil old me just forgot to update here again x'DDDD sorry again xD


	13. ஜ Vulnerable ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome to chapter 13~! *^* xD
> 
> On the promised Sunday update day hehe cx I bet you are all curious what Izaya will answer now~ well well~
> 
> Guest 2: hmmmm yeah I guess you could call it loathing for being human, but I guess it´s slightly more in a sense of loathing because he can´t control his feelings. And we all know that Izaya has some issues with being in control of things ne? xD he has given up yup, it´s now Shizuo´s turn to try and get the raven to see that everything isn´t as bad as he feels it is. Cx hehe 3
> 
> Thank chu SoylentRamen for correcting my chapter so damn quick omg *^*
> 
> Enjoy~! *^*

**\- Shizuo´s point of view**.-

"Why do you want to die?"

…

_**Tick** _

_**Tock** _

A clock at the wall of the flea´s kitchen kept doing its work filling the silence that followed after that question.

Izaya had tensed considerably. A frown had appeared on his face.

For a second he even looked like he was about to reply. Whether it was a smart retort or the truth was something the blond wouldn´t know.

But either way the second Izaya´s lips parted he had already closed them again and kept his mouth shut.

...

_**Tick** _

_**Tock** _

...

Patiently he waited, still leaning against the counter, watching Izaya´s every move.

Izaya was a little different right now, different than usual and different than before. There was no witty remark. But nothing else either.

...

A mask, or the truth, what would it be?

Because there was no way the raven could stay quiet like this forever.

Sudden movement caught his eyes and he looked at the raven as he let his hands drop on top of the desk, stopping to lean on his palms with his chin.

"Ah, ah, Shizu-chan," he started, folding them on the cold surface and smiled at the blond.

"I said I will only answer if it´s not a stupid question."

… _a mask it is._

Shizuo frowned slightly, but he wasn´t too disappointed. He didn´t expect the raven to answer his question truthfully in the first place. Sure, he hoped for it, but he knew the chance of that happening was very slim.

"I don´t think asking you why you want to die is a stupid question at all." He found himself mumbling in return, his gaze softening a little.

… it dumbfounded the raven.

That was quite visible even for Shizuo-

He hadn´t particularly meant the sentence literally like that, but now that the blond put it that way Izaya couldn´t help but frown slightly at this weird attitude.

_Haha, funny Shizu-chan, making it sound like you care are you?_

_**Tick** _

_**Tock** _

…

A shrug from the informant followed as he lowered his gaze to his hands instead, playing around with his rings. He took them off and placed them on different fingers instead as he avoided the blond´s stare.

"…well, seems our opinions differ in that regard." He took the ring and placed it sidewise on the cold surface of the bar-like table, spinning it so it rotated around itself, creating the image of a marble. "I don´t see any reason why you would want to know that."

Shizuo frowned.

"Well, if it's a stupid question, then you shouldn´t mind explaining it to me, right?" he retorted, picking up one of the rings quickly before Izaya could spin it once more.

Only for a second the informant looked up at the thief to send him something akin to a glare as he snatched the ring back.

"Can you just leave it?" he wanted to avoid this. It was obvious as he put the rings back into their original place and glared at the blond.

"Tch-" Only slightly Shizuo started to feel a familiar feeling of anger well up in him as well. But not the kind of anger that sent him raging, but more the kind of anger that left him frustrated.

He couldn´t just drop this topic so easily- How was he supposed to fix the flea when he didn´t know what exactly was wrong with him? It was an impossible thing to do!

Something was wrong with Izaya and he really just wanted to fix it- but how?

"Why do you want to die?" He repeated once more, trying to keep his temper with his very best. He had always hated this evasive behavior of the flea, this stupid way with words and how he wriggled himself out of anything that didn´t suit his plan.

But he had to keep his calm, he knew that much.

He has had a hell a lot of time to think about what to do to help Izaya get out of this during his passed out state in the bedroom.

And her really thought about it.

But even if he got some small ideas, he wouldn´t get anywhere if he didn´t understand what was going on in that louse´s head.

How was he supposed to fix him when he didn´t know what the actual problem was?

The raven frowned as the question slipped from the blond´s lips once more-

He hated it.

Why he wanted to die huh?

He hated that question alone already.

He didn't want to answer it. He didn´t want to have to explain anything to the blond.

He hated that protozoan. He hated how he made him feel by saying and doing things that just weren´t what he expected him to say and do.

He fucking hated Shizu-chan.

Tch- why he wanted to die, he asked.

He didn´t even want to- he didn´t, that wasn´t it.

Couldn´t he just stop it?

He hated this situation enough as it was!

He hated what happened in the shower before! He hated what Shizuo had seen of him in more than one sense-

He hated how that fucking brute made him feel.

Tch...

Crimson eyes met his half glaring half questioning eyes.

"I believe I just asked you to leave it." The raven mumbled, but he didn´t even seem to put much effort into the glare he sent the blond.

It felt like a warning, a warning to stop asking. But Shizuo didn´t intend to actually listen to that.

"And I believe I asked you a question!" Shizuo was reaching the limit of his patience here- he just wanted to know!

God damnit was it that difficult to answer a single question?! If he didn´t understand it, then alright. But that fucking flea didn´t even give him a chance to try!

Izaya glowered from below. He could see the blond´s expression grow more and more irritated, even dark- if he didn´t know better, he would say Shizu-chan was about to flip out.

But no, something was missing there in his eyes.

…

He hated it. he knew why the brute was holding back, was trying to act civilized with him.

And he hated it.

Shizu-chan was supposed to flip out, to act the way he always did.

Shizu-chan wasn´t supposed to be this perceptive.

Shizu-chan wasn´t supposed to make him feel this fucking way-

Why was the brute even asking!? He felt his hands curl up into little fists as he stared at the blond.

Why even? What good would it do to try and explain something to that protozoan that he wouldn´t get anyway?

How would he even describe something like pain to a monster like Shizu-chan, that probably didn´t feel much pain anymore to begin with?!

He doubted the blond even remembered what real pain felt like! He got hurt because of his brutish strength so many times; he doubted Shizu-chan would be able to remember what his first injuries felt like. He got used to it!

Tch-

Couldn´t he just fucking drop it already..?

Barely a second had passed as those thoughts flew through the raven´s mind.

Anger was rising within the raven and another feeling that he hated just as much-

Why?

Why was he being questioned by this brute?

Why wouldn´t he just leave it?

_Why?!_

He hated it.

"Ahahaha," and suddenly he started laughing. Laughing because-

He didn´t even know why himself. It was simply the easiest thing to do in any situation.

In this kind of situation where he felt as though he couldn´t even control his own emotions properly anymore.

He hated this situation-

Shizuo frowned, his expression darkening considerably as he watched the raven´s lips curl into a grin. He tilted his head slightly, as if to mock Shizuo-

"Shizu-chan you make me feel bad by asking this you know?"

….

Anger.

That was the first feeling that Shizuo felt.

Anger-

He had said it to him, before, he had told the raven that if he did something like before, if he did something that bothered the raven on that kind of level he should tell him-

And it fucking pissed him off that he was using it now when he didn´t even fucking mean it- !

When he just used it as a witty comeback!

"I´m not making you feel bad by asking this!" He barked, not regretting the loudness of his voice- by now he was pissed. Seriously pissed-

He didn´t even care how the raven flinched ever so slightly at his loudness.

He offered his fucking help to that flea and he what did he do?!

Pulled bullshit like that!

Fuck the patience!

Fuck that fucking flea-!

That fucking brute-

Somehow it annoyed him- it annoyed him a great deal that Shizu-chan was brushing him off like this- like he fucking knew everything!

He knew nothing-

"Ahaha, how would you know? Can Shizu-chan read my thoughts?" Angry he felt his fists tighten-

"Huh?!" the blond glared, still feeling way too angry to even listen to the words that Izaya said. Way too irritated.

Shizuo frowned- how he knew?

He just fucking knew it! He only said that to stop him from asking! He even grinned that fleaish grin again, just like-

But when his eyes set on Izaya, he found himself pausing.

Pausing for just a moment.

The raven wasn´t glaring anymore- or looking like he was mocking him.

… sure, he still wore that teasing grin, that grin that said- "I´m just outsmarting you"- but his eyes were a different thing.

And then all of a sudden he found a picture popping up in his mind. One that was from the more recent encounters they had and his eyes widened just slightly.

He remembered a time, a time where he grinned exactly like that-

… at that time Shizuo entered an alley and asked him what he was doing.

It was when he spotted him with a knife to his wrist.

He felt his fists loosen again and the frown ease up.

…

He thought Izaya was mocking him.

He really thought that.

He was, wasn´t he..?

…

No.

…

Maybe that wasn´t quite it…

He had been about to say something, something that would probably have been really wrong at this moment but he paused.

…

Maybe it wasn´t bullshit after all-

He hated to admit it himself, but he kept catching himself thinking of Izaya as the normal Izaya, the one that was always just fucking with him.

True, there was no doubt that Izaya wanted to stop him from asking when he said that.

… but, what if the reason he wanted him to stop asking was actually because it made him feel bad in the first place?

…

Shizuo kept looking at the raven, making Izaya blink.

"What´s wrong Shizu-chan? Speechless?" the raven smirked, but that smirk never actually reached his eyes.

…. He didn´t look like he realized it himself.

And that´s when Shizuo noticed. He could have just lied couldn´t he?

The flea that is. He could have just given him a random reason or said something insulting to him, but instead he just asked for Shizuo to stop asking.

…

Just like before, at Shinra´s or in the bathroom. He just asked him to stop. He didn´t make anything up or tried to make him mad, he just asked him to stop.

It was strange Shizuo only realized only now, but the louse had never asked him before in his life to just stop doing something.

On the streets he would always mock him at all times. Always.

If he wanted him to stop doing something then he had done it in a roundabout way but not like this.

… maybe this was bugging the flea more than he was letting show.

Maybe it was bothering him more than he even realized himself.

For the first time since he had discovered the flea in that alley Shizuo actually thought he found out something about the flea that Izaya didn´t know himself.

"... got it." he mumbled, deciding to leave the matter for now.

Surprise.

That was the first thing Shizuo saw crossing Izaya´s expression as the smirk on his face dropped. The informant hadn´t expected the blond to actually give up so easily.

"All of a sudden?" he frowned. Somehow he didn´t like this, he didn´t like the way Shizu-chan looked at him as if he had found something out or realized something.

Shizuo shook his head softly. "I won´t ask anymore. Sorry for that."

Ah-

He had taken his words serious.

That brute actually-

"Ahahaha, Shizu-chan you know I was joking right? It was a joke." Izaya quickly added, his attention now on the blond who was moving away from the counter.

That brute wasn´t affecting him!

He wasn´t!

He just said that to him because-

...

He just wanted him to stop okay? But that didn´t mean he was serious!

It was a joke! He didn´t feel bad because he asked!

Why would that make him feel bad? Just because he thought about it? Or because the brute was asking him and he couldn´t explain it?

He didn´t-

He refused to admit that brute had any effect on him!

"... it wasn´t a joke." The sentence made Izaya snap out of his thoughts and he looked at the blond.

The raven felt a familiar hole return to his stomach and swallowed as he lowered his gaze back onto the counter.

It was a joke.

It really was.

Because if it wasn´t … then he would be in trouble wouldn´t he?

_.. ahahaha… crap_

…

And suddenly that mask that he always wore slipped just a bit. That smirk had dropped and for a second Shizuo could almost see how hard the raven was thinking, was trying to keep pretending everything was okay.

It was quite obvious how hard Izaya was thinking of something witty to escape this situation. Moreover, he looked like he was about to cry.

And Shizuo felt something that he didn´t think he would ever feel towards the flea.

He wanted to help him.

He wanted to. Really badly.

Whatever it was that made him feel this way, that kept torturing him and making him think he had to swallow everything down like that, he wanted to find out.

But the honest picture of the flea soon dissipated as that grin appeared once more.

This time he wouldn´t be able to fool the blond though.

"Shizu-chan you sure don´t have enough brains to comprehend anything at all. I was just lying to get out of this questionnaire you know."

He was just getting deeper and deeper into this hole he dug himself.

He couldn´t admit this but he couldn´t let it go or wave it off either. It bothered Shizuo greatly how hard the raven was struggling to take back what he had said.

"It was just a retort, something to throw you off. Really Shizu-chan, you are stupid to believe-"

Sudden movement made the raven stop talking abruptly.

The debt collector had moved next to him instead of leaning onto the counter and grabbed his arm.

Tensing he expected something violent to happen. Maybe that brute would throw him somewhere again like before or maybe he would just break his arm-

..

But no. Squinting his eyes slightly he looked at the blond.

"You want something?" he asked, not moving much from his position.

"We are going out." That was the only thing he heard the blond say before that hand on his arm started pulling him up from the chair- and over to the door.

... the raven blinked, once, twice.

"Huh?" he couldn´t think of a better answer to cover up his confusion.

"We are going out."Shizuo repeated, as Izaya glared at the blond, tugging his arm away from the brute´s grip. Surprisingly the blond let him.

"What are you talking about?" he asked, warily eyeing the debt collector as he took a step back. The blond had stopped and was now tugging a cigarette out of his pants pocket.

"As I said," he started, lighting the cancer stick. "We are going out. I don´t know when the last time was that you looked into your fridge, but you have no edible food here."

The raven snorted.

"What? Is the monster hungry?" he teased, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he rose an eyebrow in played amusement.

"No. But you need to eat something flea. You look skinny as fuck-" the blond paused, setting the cigarette off his lips for a second.

"Not only skinny, you look sick Izaya."

… silence and surprise followed.

.. he didn´t expect the brute to say that of all things.

the blond raised his hand and ruffled through his hair slightly.

"When was the last time you ate properly?" he asked, not leaving his eyes of the louse.

Izaya shrugged.

He honestly didn´t remember. He had just kinda skipped a lot of meals or only filled his stomach with coffee. He didn´t remember the last time he actually cooked something decent for himself.

"Come on, let´s go." The words made him look up at the blond.

"Who says I want to eat?" he mumbled, keeping his gaze locked with the blond.

"Maybe it will make you feel a bit better," Shizuo responded, opening the door as he put the bartender vest back on.

The raven frowned.

Better.

As if eating something would help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> END of chapter 13
> 
> C: xD Weird end kinda I guess but meh xD I couldn´t think of a better end of this chapter hmmmmmm
> 
> Ah, btw damn one of you already saw the stuff about the food coming xDDD How did you know?! xD I bet it was the empty fridge that gave me away xD
> 
> Well then~
> 
> See chu on sunday in chapter 14~! cx


	14. ஜ Caring ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome to chapter 14~! *^*
> 
> Hehe, and again I´m on time *0* I think this is already a new record of mine no? xDDDDD Being punctual with my chappies once again xD The last time I actually was punctual was around the beginning of Iwtswyf I think cx hehehe, finally found some great inspiration again cx
> 
> And motivation also *0*
> 
> Let´s keep count of consecutive-in-time-updates xDDD -clears throat-
> 
> Welcome to Consecutive-in-time-update number 3 xDDD
> 
> Haha awwww I love your comments xD It´s funny how you want Izaya to break down xD Haha evil author got some evil readers there xD
> 
> Anyway! xD I don´t wanna hold you up for too long now hehe
> 
> Enjoy!

\- Izaya´s point of view.-

A joke.

That´s what this whole thing was, a fucking joke. But not the hilarious type.

He didn´t get why the blond was still sticking around. Initially he had hoped that Shizu-chan would lose interest in trying to help him if he treated him as usual.

If he just teased him enough and acted like his usual asshole self then Shizuo would fuck off finally.

That was what he thought.

Hah, but no.

Rather than getting the brute to leave, it almost seemed as if Izaya´s attempts at getting rid of the protozoan only strengthened Shizuo´s determination to "fix" him.

Annoyed the raven watched Shizu-chan step into the grocery store opposite his apartment complex. Of course he had to walk in front of the protozoan so Shizu-chan could make sure he wasn´t running away or anything.

Seriously.

He was out shopping food with the brute- What. A. Fucking. Joke.

"This is stupid. I could have just stayed home." he grumbled annoyed as the warm breeze of the air conditioner hit his neck and familiar beeping of the cashiers reached his ears.

"Yeah right, as if I would leave you at home while I go shopping." the blond half argued, half snorted as he walked over to the vegetable stand.

"Aww, why not?" Izaya asked and set up his usual grin as he followed the brute, making him turn around with a frown.

"Izaya. Don´t push it."

Hah "don´t push it" who did he think he was talking to? Some 12-year-old kid who was denied the sweets it wanted?

He seriously hated how the brute was treating him.

"What are we even going to buy?" He was aware of how annoyed he must have sounded as he asked that question, but right now he didn´t even give a flying fuck if it showed what he truly felt.

And oh how wondrous, the brute didn´t even seem to notice how irritated he was by this anyway.

"Depends, what do you want to eat?" The question itself almost made a vein pop on Izaya´s forehead this time. This protozoan fucking pissed him off.

"As I said, I´m not hungry, Shizu-chan. You are the one that dragged me here," he spat between tight lips, letting his hands slide over some fruits in the store. They looked gross. Like no one picked them and they had been laying there for a longer while, having little brownish spots on them.

Disgusting-

"When did you properly eat the last time?" The raven blinked at the sudden question. Didn´t he asked what he wanted to eat? Why the topic change?

"You are starting to repeat yourself. You asked that before already, Shizu-chan," he answered, shaking his head softly, sighing theatrically." Starting to forget things huh, Shizu-chan? Poor you!" he emphasized. "You aren´t even at an age where that´s normal!" A kind of low growl was the only thing he received in return as the blond repeated himself.

"I asked when." The raven stopped and just looked at him.

When huh? He honestly didn´t know. Not that he intended to give the brute an answer, but he found himself admitting that he couldn´t remember it.

Eating one piece of Otooro from time to time or drinking coffee, yeah that he had done a lot recently.

But eaten properly?

He had no clue.

"That long?" the blond suddenly asked further, the frown on his forehead disappearing again. The raven rolled his eyes.

"I´m alive aren´t I?" The brute was seriously getting stuck on a stupid topic here. "I neither need nor want anything."

"You are going to eat something, flea, whether you want to or not," the blond growled in response, making the raven shoot glares at him. "You look like shit, so you are going to eat something." Izaya snorted.

"Aw, please Shizu-chan, keep those compliments to yourself, will you?" But the blond didn´t even hear, or rather he pretended to not hear that and just looked through the vegetables.

Saying he looked like shit hah. Izaya frowned, still glaring at the blond from his position.

He said that before too, right? In that alley. Haha. It was one of the many things he had said there.

Fucking pissed him off.

It was time to leave.

Shizu-chan was just stretching his hand out to take a zucchini from the counter as Izaya turned around-

He took a step forward- towards the direction of the entrance but-

Choking, he found soft material pressing against his windpipe-

Something tugged rather harsh at his hoodie and he found himself being tugged backwards.

A soft gasp escaped his lips-

Annoyed he twisted his head around, staring at the brute who had grabbed his favorite jacket.

The zucchini he had been about to take fell to the floor, splitting itself in two halves in the process.

A glare settled on the raven´s features as he tried to pry the brute´s hand off his jacket.

"Aw Shizu-chan, you have to pay for that now." he cooed, trying to remove the hand on his hoodie with all his strength.

"Don´t care." the blond responded while Izaya was getting rather frustrated as his hand didn´t budge. He tried to pry it off, scratched at it, while pulling away, but it was no use.

That fucking hand was set there as if someone glued it to him-

"Let me go." he hissed, trying to pinch the blond into letting off, but he doubted that even had any effect at all. A frown appeared on the blond´s face.

To be completely honest, Izaya was surprised by how calm Shizu-chan remained.

He pretty much had expected to at least find a fist on the hem of his shirt and something akin to a threat or words along the lines of -What the hell are you trying to do, flea?!- of course yelled and in an angry manner. But instead the blond just had his eyes fixated on him. He did look a little annoyed, but not angry.

"You think I´m just going to let you run again?" The raven´s eyes turned into slits. There he went with his stupid moral talk again.

There was no fucking reason for Shizu-chan to be here! There was no reason for him to act this freakish way!

"Would be a fucking convenience for you wouldn´t it? If your little problem just ran away," he just replied bitterly, for once saying what he was thinking out loud without trying to coat it in some doubled meaning. The blond´s brows furrowed at that.

"You aren´t a problem." Izaya´s expression though didn´t change in the least. "Why would you even say that? Do I look like someone is forcing me to do this?"

You tell me Shizu-chan.

But the blond really did look like he was expecting an answer from the raven. Izaya clicked his tongue in annoyance.

"Nevermind, forget it." Just talking to that brute pissed him of already. Listening to that bullshit he spouted.

"The hell I am." Shizu-chan suddenly growled, making Izaya snap his eyes back to meet with his. "Izaya, I want you to get one thing through that stubborn head of yours," he started, finally letting go of the hoodie, but grabbing Izaya´s upper arm instead. Not rough though, he was obviously not trying to hurt Izaya there as he looked at the raven. "Fixing you is something I want to do."

And with that he picked a new zucchini up with his other hand and pushed it towards the raven. Almost instinctively, the informant grabbed it before it could fall down.

The blond walked on again, one hand on Izaya´s arm and the other grabbing a pack of rice from a shelf, not even bothering to continue the conversation anymore.

...

Something he wants to do?

The raven glared at the blond as he kept going through the store.

Why would he want that, huh?

Why would he all of a sudden want that?

Didn´t he say he didn´t give a fuck about anything?! He still remembered it clearly!

How he was there in that alley, blood all over his arm and that brute told him what he thought of him exactly!

And now he wanted to fix him all of a sudden?! Why?!

"Ahhh, you are a good liar, Shizu-chan, for a second I almost believed you there," he suddenly laughed, making the blond pause in his steps.

"What?" he questioned, turning around to face the flea.

"A liar. Question is when you lied though." The louse nodded as if to confirm his own words. The debt-collector frowned in utter confusion.

"What the hell are you talking about now?" He seriously had no clue. He didn´t lie once to that flea. He wasn´t the type to lie. That was something the louse did.

"You don´t give a shit about me!" the raven suddenly spat, making the blond blink. "You said so didn´t you? You are done with me!" What?

"Hah?" When the hell did he say that? What was the flea talking about now? But he was far from being finished it seemed as he started to chuckle.

"Ah, yeah that does make sense indeed. You did say you wanted me gone, too, and you said so many more things. Your protozoic brain probably forgot about it already, but you did tell me quite accurately what you think of me in that alley."

Ah...

So that´s what he was getting at.

He only barely remembered what he had said. Something along the lines of wanting the flea to disappear, right...? And leave him the fuck alone. And that he didn´t care...

Aaaahhh...

"... that was different," he mumbled, averting his eyes. He didn´t mean it like that. Sure, he had wanted the flea to leave him alone, but not... like that.

"Hah! Different? How?!" the raven snapped. "I don´t see any change here! Except you hit your head really hard and forgot everything that ever happened. But that doesn´t seem to be the case, now does it?!" he practically yelled, making an old woman in the corner of the shop glance around the shelf.

Why was he so agitated over that now...?

"Can you just stop being difficult for once, flea?" the blond sighed.

"Can you just stop pretending to give a fuck for once, protozoan?!" The blond blinked at the rash response.

...

Why was the flea so hung up on this?

Izaya didn´t look like he was teasing him right now or trying to be annoying. Which was odd.

Because this way it almost looked as if Izaya was the one actually giving a fuck about what Shizuo was doing and saying.

...

Silence.

The raven was still staring raging at the brute, waiting for a response, for some kind of fucking explanation so he could stop feeling so pissed. But nothing came.

A pull almost made him lose his footing as the debt collector suddenly turned around and pulled the raven after. The packet of rice being shoved into his arms.

"There, hold that."

That´s it.

There hold that?

Was he fucking kidding him?!

"Not getting angry? How rare, trying to contain yourself around me now?" Izaya spat, his blood boiling.

"Just shut up Izaya, okay?"

Izaya frowned. "The hell I´m doing." Shizu-chan wouldn´t get angry at him huh? Well he would fucking make him angry then!

With a thud he let the things Shizu-chan had made him carry drop to the ground.

Bewildered the blond stared at the raven before a fist finally grabbed the hem of Izaya´s shirt-

"You fucking flea-" he growled, making Izaya smirk. This was how it was supposed to be.

Be angry Shizu-chan, be violent as always.

If there was one thing that Izaya hated the most, then it was Shizu-chan behaving civilized.

That brute had to lose control, had to get angry at him, so mad like he couldn´t even get at anyone else.

A grin spread over his expression. Just like now.

But it didn´t go any further. A little disappointed, Izaya´s smirk dropped a little, watching the blond now carefully.

But Shizuo wasn´t actually mad anymore. A heavy sigh escaped his lips as he tried to retain his calm. He knew the flea was just trying to tick him off. He didn´t know why he was trying so hard to achieve that, but he was.

Letting go of the raven´s shirt, he pinched the bridge of his nose.

He wasn´t going to let the louse treat him like a puppet.

"I´m going to get some rice and vegetables." he mumbled, picking the groceries up from the floor, while still keeping an eye on the flea. "Some fried rice with vegetables sounds good for dinner don´t you think?"

What?

The raven blinked, the anger disappearing and making room for utter confusion instead as he didn´t find himself able to find a snappy retort.

"I take that as a yes." The blond shrugged, not hearing anything from the raven and grabbed the raven´s arm once more, pulling Izaya after him.

While the informant... could just stare.

... he didn´t get it.

He didn´t get this at all.

"Shizu-chan, let go-" he mumbled, but his glare was only half-assed. The blond merely shook his head in negation and looked over his shoulder as they approached the cashier.

"Come on, we are already going home." he mumbled, putting the groceries on top of the cashier´s desk.

A snort escaped the raven´s lips.

"Hah! Home? Since when is my apartment your home, Shizu-chan?" he retorted bitterly as the zucchinis were dragged over the scanning field.

"Since you dragged me into this," the blond merely replied, pulling his wallet out of his pants´ pocket.

Glaring, Izaya squinted his eyes.

"Oh, so now it´s my fault?" That fucking brute, he never asked him to do all this shit! "You can leave anytime, Shizu-chan. I´m not keeping you," he hissed, trying to pull away from the debt collector, but the grip on his arm was as firm as ever.

"Can you just-" the blond started, but got interrupted pretty quickly as a beep reached his ears.

"230Yen." The cashier had finished scanning everything and the price was being shown on the monitor.

"Ah, right." The blond paused talking to the flea and quickly handed over the money. Izaya, unbeknownst to him, just grinned and suddenly took a step towards the cashier.

"This man is keeping me against my will!"

For a second, Shizuo seriously thought the flea was fucking joking. Hah! But no! Of course not! He wore the most pitiful face he could probably make and looked at the cashier with almost pleading eyes.

This fucking-

"Izaya-" he growled as a warning. He was not taking this kind of bullshit now. But the flea didn´t even seem to care about the threatening undertone in Shizuo´s voice.

"You have to call the cops to save me!" He continued his act, making the blond see red- within a second he found himself being lifted from the floor, the fist again on his collar.

"Stop that bullshit!" the blond yelled at him, seriously trying to contain more violent actions as a grin spread over the louse´s face.

That fucking bastard was so not going to frame him for something like this! He was about to yell more at the flea, to ask him to stop fucking behaving this way, as the raven glared at Shizuo, but a small girly chuckle interrupted them both.

They turned their heads to look at the young cashier who was grinning just slightly.

"Well," she suddenly said, the smile still on her face, "you ruined my husband´s life, Orihara-san. For all I care, I hope you die soon."

The blond blinked, rather stupefied. He hadn´t expected her to say something like that.

Ah-

Something like that to Izaya even.

A frown carved itself on his face as he opened his mouth to speak.

"Oi-" But Izaya was quicker.

"Ah right, Mizumi-chan, ne?" the raven suddenly spoke, clearly recognizing the girl behind the counter. Shizuo let the raven down again, who started to straighten himself, wearing... something that could only be described as a working smile. The woman, on the other hand, had settled on something like a glare.

"I would prefer if you didn´t use my name with your filthy mouth. Have a shitty day," she announced, shoving the groceries almost down the table if it weren´t for Izaya taking them quickly.

"Haha so cold," he laughed, but Shizuo swore he hadn´t heard a laugh that wrong in his entire life.

He didn´t understand how he could do this. Izaya that is.

How could he keep up that facade around everyone?

He was the complete opposite of him in that regard. Even if Shizuo tried, there was simply no way that he would be able to contain his real emotions like that.

But the raven just dealt with her like this. Like he dealt with everyone.

And for once he kept quiet as he followed the raven outside.

Somewhere around the time where the woman had spoken he had let go of the flea´s arm.

And right now, to be honest, he didn´t think Izaya would try to run away.

Maybe it was stupid to think so, but he didn´t seem like it. While before in the store he had to be alert the whole time, right now he didn´t seem like would even try to run away.

... it reminded him of the thing in the shower before.

He gave off that weird sense of.. ah he didn´t know how to describe it.

Quiet, he followed the raven as he walked across the street, entering the apartment complex again.

"Ne," the blond found himself asking as they went up the stairs, "...you okay?"

The raven merely chuckled as he turned around, that fake smile still plastered all over his face.

"Sure, why not?" The blond frowned.

"... if you say that..."

She just told him to go die.

It´s not normal to smile like that idiot.

He didn´t know what else to say though. So far the flea had started or kept their conversations going as it was.

"Fell silent?" he mumbled, almost hoping the flea would ramble about some bullshit again. It was weird for him to be quiet like that.

It felt almost wrong.

"I don´t talk all the time, Shizu-chan," the raven shrugged though as Shizuo opened the door, letting the raven inside his apartment again.

The coat was tossed away and the raven let himself flop down on the couch as Shizuo locked the door from inside.

A tilted head was all he got from the flea as he watched him shove the key inside his pants´pocket.

"Locking me in, huh?" he mumbled, not paricularely seeming interested. The blond sighed, running hs hand through his hair.

"What else did you expect?" he asked, but Izaya didn´t seem to really have wanted an answer to his question anyway.

"Don´t care," he mumbled, shrugging as he tilted his head back on the couch.

Silence again.

Weird silence.

Shizuo didn´t like this at all. But he didn´t have any idea how to change this either.

He had started to shut up after the girl had said that right?

... it must be bothering him more than he wanted to let on.

"Ah don´t tell me you are going to cook." The blond blinked at the suddenly choice of talking again and glanced at the flea.

"I am, you going to complain or something?" The raven shook his head.

"Not really. Have fun destroying the kitchen, Shizu-chan!" he announced, letting himself drop sideways on the couch, staring up at the ceiling as he crossed his arms behind his head.

Efficiently moving out of the blond´s sight.

Well, not much, since the second he got up from here Shizuo could see him again, but at least so much that he wasn´t able to see him right now.

He sighed as he let his eyes trail over the white ceiling.

He had really forgotten that he knew that girl hmm.

How rare, he was losing his edge wasn´t he?

"...for all I care I hope you die soon."

Hmm.. nice choice of words. She was snarky, that much he had to admit.

It annoyed him kinda. Just a little bit.

If he had really pulled off what he had wanted to do... then he would have done people like her a favour. Sure, he loved all of his fucking humans. He loved thei reactions, but it kinda pissed him off that people like her would have been happy about it.

He knew she had her reasons and stuff. And he had also done a lot of shit.

Haha, he deserved it didn´t he?

But still.

He sighed as a frown carved itself on his face and rested his arm above his eyes, letting himself be engulfed in darkness.

He didn´t even know why it was bothering him that much anymore.

It wasn´t even the first time someone had said something along those lines.

Maybe because he didn´t see it coming?

He didn´t know.

All that he knew was that now there was again this unsettling black hole inside his stomach and this stupid lump in his throat.

He hated this feeling.

And he had no idea how to get rid of it before the blond would notice anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Endddd of chapter 14 hehehe ohhh the best part is still ahead~ *0* xDD I bet you didn´t expect them to make the shopping itself that interesting xD But hey, that´s them~ cx
> 
> Evil cashier tho-
> 
> Anyway~! See chu on sunday *^* Haha, the sadists among you will be loving this chapter and depending how far I get, there might also be some serious squealing of Shizaya joy~ xDDDD Well, with that being said, I hope you liked this chapter and see you next Sunday~! *0*0*0* xD
> 
> PS.: An additional author´s note. I wrote the notes above a few days before. Chapter 36 will be late by a day or two there is just a little bit missing. Someone very dear to me died and I kinda couldn´t find the spirit to finish it. Also for the updates next week I don´t know if I can keep them as scheduled.
> 
> Sorry


	15. ஜ Physical limit ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo there and happy Easter~! xDD
> 
> Hehe as I promised here chu have a maybe meanish chappie with a poor flea hehe cx
> 
> I did mention something about a squealish shizaya moment- that one will be appearing in the next chappy xD It was moved haha cx
> 
> Thank you very much for correcting SoylentRamen! *^*
> 
> Well then, enough rambling cx
> 
> Enjoy~ cx

**\---Izaya´s point of view---  
**

He hated it.

Seriously did. Ever since this shit had started he found himself caring about things that he wouldn´t even have given a fuck about, three months ago.

It really made him angry, angry at himself. It was giving him a headache even, a real one. He sighed as he let his hand flop down onto the couch and tried to ease the frown a little.

He should just forget that, as usual.

It wasn´t like he could change anything at the moment. He had been an asshole and he knew it. There wasn´t anything he could do to change his reputation from one second to the other.

Not that he disliked his work as an informant. That´s not even it.

But sometimes he really felt he didn´t love his damned job as much as he had in the beginning.

Expressionless, he stared at the ceiling.

It had been fun at first.

Playing around with people´s minds, making things happen- he felt like he was something, no someone, important.

He even would go as far as to say he had a certain amount of power in this city.

He had enjoyed it at first.

He felt like he was playing a game of chess.

Sitting above and letting his pawns move.

Alone that is.

Not that he needed company; Namie was annoying enough as it was. But something like a second player would have been great maybe.

...

No.

He frowned a little as a certain blond popped up in his thoughts for a second.

Shizu-chan wasn´t a second player. He was way too dumb to even try and outsmart him. If anything he was the opposite´s player´s queen. A strong figure that could eliminate every plan if done right- she even moved like the brute.

Just across the field as far as she wanted, taking on whatever pawn she wanted to.

She was the strongest in a sense but easy to beat with a knight and strategy.

It wasn´t like he was invincible after all. Even Shizu-chan could get killed.

...

Yeah... even him-

"You hear me, flea?"

Blinking, the raven tilted his head as he was rudely interrupted from his thoughts.

Shizu-chan had moved next to the couch and was pointing at the counter in front of the kitchen.

"What?" Izaya asked, the frown appearing on his face again too soon, reminding him what a headache he already had.

"I said it´s done. Come eat." Izaya blinked, a little surprised and got up from the couch to look in the counter´s direction.

And really- there were two plates with fried rice and vegetables.

And they actually looked quite decent. The raven snorted as he sat down on the table, poking the food playfully with a fork.

"Heh, it actually looks edible. Congratulations, must have been hard for a monster like you." He grinned, smirking at the blond, but he just rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"All the more reason for you to appreciate it," he replied with a shrug, taking his seat opposite Izaya. He hadn´t exactly expected the flea to start eating without any smart comments about the food.

The raven´s smirk dropped, and he leaned back on his chair with a sigh, placing the fork neatly back on the table.

"Thank you, but no, thank you. As I said before, I don´t want anything." he replied with something akin to a shrug as he waited for the blond´s reaction.

Shizuo just frowned. This was seriously getting annoying.

"You have to eat," he glared at the raven. Slowly but surely he was getting fed up by this childish behavior. He felt like he was talking to a little picky kid.

But the little picky kid didn´t seem as if he would start eating as Shizuo wanted anytime soon.

"I told you I´m not hungry," Izaya repeated with a shrug. What could the brute even do?

Force it down his throat?

"Izaya." Ahh, there it was again, that stupid name calling of his. Seriously, Izaya didn´t see the meaning of just saying his name out loud. Even if he said it like it was supposed to be a threat. What would Shizuo even threaten him with?

All he could do was be violent. Izaya would very much appreciate it if he used that violence of his to end this stupid game.

"You eat it, more for your monster tummy. Yay-!" Izaya announced, setting on his best grin as he crossed his arms in front of his body.

Oh how he loved that irritated look on Shizu-chan´s face.

"Come on, you have to eat." Heh, the blond looked really kinda frustrated.

"And why is that?"

Served him right.

"Want me to call Shinra?"

...

That shut him up good. Shizuo could almost feel how the flea´s stupid attitude had suddenly dropped. Even his posture had loosened up a bit, almost screaming "NO."

But of course Izaya wasn´t giving up yet.

"What for?" he asked, a glare settling in his eyes.

Hah, what for- was he seriously asking that?

"Well you obviously have troubles eating."

"The hell I do." A little surprised the blond blinked. He hadn´t exactly expected him to swear all of a sudden. ... _Must be really bugging him, huh?_

If glares could kill, then the one Izaya sent him now was a deadly one.

"Want to prove me wrong then?" he asked, pointing towards Izaya´s plate. The glare just intensified, though.

"No." _Of course not._

"Well then-" Shizuo pulled his phone out of his pants´ pocket- and Izaya froze for a second.

"You wouldn´t dare," he growled. This brute couldn´t be fucking serious.

But too bad for Izaya, it really looked he was as he snapped his phone open, dialing Shinra´s number.

"Try me," he mumbled, letting his thumb rest just above the call button.

This fucking brute-

"Fine, I will eat," the raven growled, taking the fork again to stab one of the innocent vegetables brutally. "And just for the record, I don´t have any fucking troubles with it. I just don´t feel like it," he hissed as he put the disgusting thing in his mouth.

Tasted like fucking paper.

Fucking gross.

It seriously tasted like paper to him. He really didn´t feel like eating at all.

He wasn´t even hungry to begin with. An annoyed frown crossed his face as he swallowed the dry food.

And he still had a fucking headache.

Annoying.

Fucking annoying.

The brute was, the headache was- this whole scenery was fucking annoying.

But the blond seemed satisfied as he shoved the phone back into his pants.

He glared at the brute as he continued eating.

That protozoan wasn´t even paying attention to him anymore. He should just throw this plate out the window or some shit.

It would make him rage, hah!

He sighed as he reached out for a glass of water on the table.

That wasn´t exactly possible, was it?

He took a sip.

After all, Shizu-chan might really force this food down his throat if he did that.

That would really be the icing on the cake.

He didn´t even know what Shizu-chan´s problem was.

So what if he got a little thinner? So what if he lost some weigh? It was his own fucking body, he could do with it what he wanted.

It wasn´t like he had a problem. He just didn´t feel like it. Each bite he swallowed felt like he was swallowing some paper.

But that didn´t mean he had a problem.

He didn´t.

Stupid brute.

Annoyed he continued eating, forcing one forkful after another down his throat.

He was pissed, that much Shizuo could see, but as long as he finally stopped being so whiny about it, he didn´t care. He didn´t even know why Izaya was so upset.

It wasn´t like he was forcing to eat something he absolutely hated. Moreover he, didn´t even give him a lot. Izaya´s portion was way smaller than his own.

Just so he wouldn´t complain.

And it wasn´t even as bad as the flea made it seem, the blond thought as he continued eating his own food.

It was then that the blond glanced up at the flea and paused.

Izaya had stopped eating. Instead, he had moved his hand to his lips, forming a loose fist.

Almost looked like he was thinking about something- but judging from the way his brows furrowed, it wasn´t anything nice. He had barely eaten even half of that plate.

"Is something wrong?" The raven blinked, snapping his eyes back to meet Shizuo´s gaze.

Almost instantly, he dropped the hand on the table again.

"No," he replied. Rather quickly though. It seemed a little off, but the blond didn´t think too much of it and finished his plate.

Only slowly Izaya swallowed another forkful of the rice-

_Tch... Am I really that pathetic?_

This was ridiculous.

He hadn´t even eaten half of the plate.

Yet there he was- starting to feel slightly nauseous.

Only when Shizuo had finished his plate did he look up again to see what the flea was doing. With a little frown he noticed how the raven hadn´t really gotten much farther.

Then again, he hadn´t eaten anything proper in a long time, had he? Maybe he just couldn´t eat more.

That was what he would have liked to think, but something was just off. The flea had gotten a little pale.

"... Are you okay?" He found himself asking the question before he considered what Izaya´s reaction most likely would be. A glare was sent to him almost immediately as the raven took another sip from the glass of water.

"I´m fine," he hissed. But somehow Shizuo didn´t quite believe that.

"You don´t have to finish it, if you can´t eat anymore you know." He tried, but that suggestion just made him feel like he made the louse hate him even more at the moment.

"I said I´m _fine_ ," Izaya repeated, obviously annoyed, continuing to eat more of the rice.

Shizuo sighed and got up from the table, setting his dishes in the sink.

He just knew something was off, but if the raven didn´t want to tell him what it was then well- how was he supposed to know?

Was what that cashier said still bugging him?

He had stayed quiet the entire time since they got home, so he wouldn´t know.

Slight clatter made the blond stop in his thoughts and he turned away from the sink, looking at the raven instead.

The fork was laying next to the nearly empty plate- and Izaya didn´t really look like he was going to continue eating anymore.

...

... He looked even paler than before.

Frowning, the blond stepped forward a bit, leaning on the counter.

"Izaya?" he tried, but the raven didn´t even react. He just sat there, his head in his hands. Shizuo frowned a little. He didn´t look good.

"Oi are you alri-" He didn´t even get to finish his question because suddenly the raven jumped up from his seat. The chair screeched noisily before falling over with a thud as the raven dashed away from the table- almost instantly the blond dropped the plate he had been washing into the sink and dashed after-

Thinking the raven was trying to do something, like, he didn´t even know, get away, as stupid as it sounded.

He didn´t get why he was suddenly running-

But when stepping onto the little stairs leading to the bedroom- and bathroom, he finally realized, gradually slowing down until he stopped at the bedroom door.

Only barely, he could see the raven rush past the bathroom door only to hunch over before hearing him puke his guts out.

A slight frown crossed his face as he ran a hand through his blond hair. He let his other hand trail into his pants pocket, pulling out his phone again.

He didn´t think it was that bad, to be honest.

Sure, Izaya said he hadn´t eaten anything in a while, but he didn´t think it was that bad.

A couple seconds of silence dominated the room as he waited for his call to get through. A slight click on the other end and a hello made him sigh, relieved.

At least he picked up right away.

"Hey Shinra. Can I ask you something?"

**-Izaya´point of view.-**

He felt like shit...

Hah, he was shit!

Fucking pathetic...

Wearily he let his hand travel to the right, shakily taking a piece of toilet paper to wipe his mouth before flushing everything away.

Fucking... pathetic...

His head hurt already, and now his stomach did too. Shizu-chan was probably laughing his ass off.

After all, he was hanging over the white porcelain like some fucking drunk. He didn´t even have any will to move away from there yet.

He was still feeling so damn nauseous...

Hair was sticking to his sweaty forehead, and he could feel his head pounding.

"Pathetic..."

A shadow slowly moved next to him on the white tiled floor, catching his attention.

A frown crossed his face as he squeezed his eyes shut.

"Go away." He didn´t want the brute here. He should just disappear. Just leave him alone already.

"You should have just stopped eating." The blond had mumbled those words rather quiet, and they didn´t even sound accusing, but Izaya couldn´t help but feel offended by them.

"I told you I didn´t want to eat anything in the first place," he hissed back, frowning all the more as his headache increased.

"... I just asked for a few bites," the blond responded, just as quiet as before. "...not everything at once."

Izaya fell silent.

He knew he was just blaming Shizu-chan.

Deep down, he knew it.

He wanted to prove something. He wanted to prove he was fine. He always said he was fine, He said so before, too.

But he wasn´t fine anymore.

By now it had gotten so obvious he couldn´t even pretend anymore.

"Must be hilarious for you," he suddenly voiced, causing the blond to frown this time.

"What?"

Seriously...

"It´s pathetic isn´t it? I can´t even eat like a normal person anymore."

Who was he even trying to fool?

Shizu-chan? Or himself?

"There is nothing funny about that, Izaya." The raven kept quiet. He didn´t feel like talking to the blond any more than this.

He just wanted him to leave.

But of course that brute did what he wanted, just as usual.

"Come on, get up." Shizuo´s voice was way too loud in this quiet room, despite him speaking rather quiet.

The raven shook his head softly.

He didn´t fucking want to. Couldn´t the blond just leave him here?

But Shizuo wasn´t going to give up that easily.

"Izaya, come on-" A slap was the first that met his hand as he reached out to the louse. Almost seemed as if Izaya had eyes on his back, as quick as he reacted to that.

A glare was directed at him as the raven got up from the floor and brushed past him- only to step out of the bathroom and drop into bed.

A blanket was pulled and before Shizuo could even ask what he was doing he couldn´t see him anymore.

"Go away," was the only quiet response Shizuo received from the covered flea. For a second Shizuo just stood there in the doorframe.

His fingers brushed over the broken part that he had crashed earlier, and he let his eyes travel to it for a bit.

He should probably repair that sometime...

A little bummed he looked at the blanket lump. The way it was curved, it looked like the raven had curled up under it.

... It was strange, but for once he really wanted to see what Izaya´s expression was like beneath it. It felt wrong for Izaya to be ... hiding from him like this.

That just wasn´t Izaya...

Izaya wouldn´t hide like that.

Izaya was thinking about the same.

He hated himself right now. More than he had already done before.

He hated it. Shizuo, his body, how he was hiding away like a fucking coward...

But he just couldn´t take it anymore. He wanted to be alone.

He knew he was fucked up, he knew it, but he didn´t want anyone to see that, he didn´t want Shizu-chan to see that.

He couldn´t even control his own body, for fucks sake.

Unexpected shifting of the mattress below him made Izaya blink under the blanket.

"Hey flea," a soft mumble reached his ears. Shizu-chan was sitting there wasn´t he? "I found some tablets for nausea in your cupboard."

Izaya frowned a little.

_Go away, Shizu-chan._

He didn´t need his god damn pity.

But he couldn´t bring himself to say anything. He just hoped for once the brute would get the hint.

It took a few seconds, but after a little bit, he heard something akin to a sigh and a soft thud.

Would it be weird for the blond to say he was actually worried?

Probably.

But right now, he damn sure felt like he was.

"You should drink it," he mumbled as he placed the glass of water on the nightstand and heaved himself off the bed again.

Silence met his ears.

He didn´t expect Izaya to answer.

And so he made his way out of the bedroom, keeping the door open of course.

He got it.

He said he wouldn´t leave his eyes off the raven. But maybe for just a little bit it would be good to do so...

It took a couple minutes before Izaya trusted the silence that suddenly dominated his room.

Only slowly, he heaved up the blanket before sitting up on the bed to take the glass of water.

He was still feeling pretty damn nauseous... and that even though he had puked his guts out before...

He should have known better. Why he didn´t stop eating after realizing that he was starting to feel nauseous, was a riddle to himself.

He didn´t know.

Maybe he wanted to prove something. To himself.

Wordlessly, he took the little pill laying on the nightstand and swallowed it.

...

Why was he doing this for him?

Hah... why even..

Again he glanced at the bandages on his right arm, his head hanging low.

_Why, Shizu-chan..?_

Why?

He hated him; Shizu-chan didn´t care.

Feeling cold, he rubbed his upper arms and returned to the place under the blanket.

He didn´t care...

So why...?

_Why, Shizu-chan?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> END of chapter 15 YAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAyA
> 
> ATTENTIONNNNN:
> 
> Regarding all the other stories I promised for today-
> 
> I'm very, very, very sorry ;-; I was taking so long for chapter 37 and now -since a hella lot of relatives came visiting and shit- I didn´t get it done by today -sobs-
> 
> The first chapter of "NO escape" (yes I changed the title from "GUILT" to that xD) Also isn´t done yet - gomenasai ;-;
> 
> I should be able to get chapter 37 done by tomorrow! Or the day after tomorrow at the latest ;-; You will also get at least 2 of the three new promised stories tomorrow xD Since they are actually already done hehe, but I only wanna post them after Iwtswyf 37 is actually done or I will never finish it x'DDD
> 
> So, sorry again ;-; think of it as finding an Easter nest the day after Easter and be like "oh shit there was still more-!" if you may C: xD
> 
> Well then, I hope you liked this chapter xD Somehow- poor Izaya-
> 
> The best parts are still up ahead C: *^* And this time I mean best parts for Izaya as well xD I did promise a Shizaya moment didn´t I? cx
> 
> See you tomorrow! :3


	16. ஜ Unnerving ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to another chapter of The wish to disappear *0* xD
> 
> First of-  
> Sowy for the delay xc I am just kinda, really, REALLY busy ;A; university shit and stuff and I´m barely even home to write ;-; this is also the reason whyyyy the next chapters -of all my current ongoing stories- will only be coming out on 24th Sunday So yeah, one week break basicallyyy  
> So Twtd 17, Bcd 3, No escape 3, Sotd 3 - will be coming out on Sunday the 24th april
> 
> Oh about bcd 2- that one I hope I can get done by tomorrow! It´s almost done, so heyy- sorry for another delay urgh- xD
> 
> Well then-  
> Also I just gotta mention you Melobski4, I feel so god damn loved xDD Thank you ;/; Imma reply to alllll your reviews tomorrow xDDD  
> And thank you for correcting this chapter SoylentRamen! *^*
> 
> Well then~ I hope you... "like" this chapter cx

  


* * *

**-Shizuo´s point of view-**

Soft curses escaped the blond´s lips as he tugged at a stubborn cord.

He threw a glance towards the bed quickly- but the raven still had his eyes closed.

He was glad about that.

Really.

Izaya had fallen asleep before. When exactly, he didn´t know, but when he had come up to bring him some soup, he´d noticed it. He had kept standing there for just a little bit, watching the raven take his breaths of air.

He looked... peaceful, normal, when he was sleeping like this. Like nothing was wrong after all. Even though he was still skinny and didn´t look too well physically, at least that dull expression in his eyes was gone for just a bit.

To be honest... seeing how Izaya puked his guts out just from that small plate of rice was really unsettling.

But even more it bothered him how Izaya was shying away from him. They were enemies, alright. And he hated the flea, yes.

But he had told him more than once now that he didn´t mean any harm to him right now. He just wanted the flea to go back to his usual self.

Annoyed, he tugged at the cord once more. This thing was seriously driving him crazy-

There was a window in Izaya´s bedroom. Not quite as large as the one in his living room, but still huge.

It was dark already, but the lights of traffic and the various signs in the city were lighting up Izaya´s bedroom fairly well.

Shizuo had intended to lower the roller blind, which was attached to the window, so it would be completely dark inside.

Intended.

That fucking thing didn´t want to move even a little.

Annoyed, he pulled at the cord, harder this time-

And so the inevitable happened.

_**THUD** _

With a clatter, the roller blind came down from the window, crashing to the floor.

Quickly, the blond looked over his shoulder, glancing at the raven in the hope that he was still sleeping.

But of course, he wasn´t-

He had shot up in his bed and was now looking around confused. His hair was standing straight up on the side he had slept on, and he squinted slightly against the light that invaded the room from the door.

Shizuo had turned on the lights in the living room- so of course they were shining into the room.

"Sorry," the blond mumbled, making the raven look over at him. "Didn´t mean to wake you up."

The raven blinked, still rather sleepy, and rubbed at his eyes.

_Wake?_

He stopped and let his sight trail to a clock that was standing on his nightstand.

9 pm.

He blinked, surprised.

"You slept for a few hours." The blond had noticed the raven´s confused expression and sat down on the edge of the bed- finally giving up on fixing the stupid blinds.

A glare was directed at him instantly.

No words were exchanged, but it was obvious what the flea wanted to say. Shizuo just kept looking at the hostile raven.

It was obvious he didn´t want him here.

"You should eat something," he mumbled, only to have the raven´s expression turn into an angry one.

"No, thank you," he grumbled, rolling onto his other side, facing away from the blond.

He had expected something like this.

The flea was just too god damn stubborn.

"I made you some soup. Shinra said you should be able to stomach that much," Shizuo added, heaving himself up from the bed again to walk to the kitchen. The doctor had said something about Izaya´s stomach needing to get used to food first again. Well, not that he knew he was asking about Izaya. Not even Shinra would guess that.

"Shinra?" Anxiety laced the raven´s voice as he repeated their friend´s name.

The question reached his ears when he was just about to leave the bedroom. He stopped in the door frame, looking back at the raven. He was looking at him like a deer that got caught in headlights.

"I didn´t tell him about you. Just asked a general question," he quickly assured. "I called him before, when you puked your guts out."

Silence.

For once, the flea didn´t have any smart response or comeback for him. He was just sitting there, in the bed, glaring at the blanket.

Shizuo turned around once more, leaving the bedroom. While Izaya was lost in thought, he would get him some soup.

After all- he still hadn´t eaten anything at all today.

...

He really hoped the flea could keep something like this down, at least.

Shinra had been quite accurate before... If he couldn´t stomach this at least, then his physical state was too serious to take care of by himself.

Not that his mental state was any better, but he would do something about that.

Pouring some soup into a bowl he had found in the flea´s left cupboard, he glanced towards the bedroom.

Somehow, he hoped that maybe the raven would come down by himself, perhaps with a grin on his face, to try and annoy him.

Like before, when he was complaining about pretty much everything Shizuo did.

He wasn´t there, though.

...

he dropped a spoon into the bowl and a few steps later, he was up at Izaya´s room again.

He was still just sitting there.

A short glance was all he spared Shizuo before turning away from the blond.

He wasn´t even speaking.

The silence was even more unnerving than anything the raven could say.

Wordlessly, he walked around the bed. Looking at Izaya who was obviously trying to ignore him, he put the soup on the little nightstand next to the bed.

"Just a little. I don´t want you throwing it up again," he said, in a voice so calm- it surprised Shizuo himself.

The raven shifted a bit, sitting up, and glanced at the soup, then at Shizuo. He still wore that strange expression. His eyes looked dull.

Right now, Shizuo was dying to know what was going on inside Izaya´s head.

His lips parted, a frown on his face- Shizuo already expected the flea to refuse again, but then he closed his mouth again, his expression relaxing.

"I won´t throw up, Shizu-chan. That before was probably because you messed up your cooking," he replied solemnly and grabbed the spoon next to the soup.

Izaya didn´t even believe his own words. That was the first thing Shizuo noticed when the louse replied, but he didn´t say anything about it.

They both knew what was going on. If it was easier for Izaya to keep denying everything, then maybe he should let him.

Silently, he watched the raven as he ate the soup. He didn´t want to say anything that could kick off a fight. And right now, he really wasn´t sure if he could even tell what kind of things would tick the flea off and which would not.

It was obvious that Izaya was doing way better with this, though. One spoonful after another disappeared in his mouth.

Maybe because it was liquid. He had only been living off coffee and a little sushi right?

Maybe that´s why it was easier.

A couple more spoons later, a clattering noise filled the room as he put the empty bowl back onto the nightstand.

...

"Feeling better now?" he found himself asking as the raven just sat there, glancing at the blond slightly. A shrug was all that followed, though.

"Never felt bad, Shizu-chan." The blond sighed, bringing a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

Even if he was acting all the time...

Wouldn´t it be better if he just left the act?

"Izaya, it´s okay, you know," he started, looking straight at the raven. His brows furrowed into a frown at the words.

"What?" he spat, obviously already knowing what Shizuo wanted to say, but he wanted him to speak it out aloud, he guessed. Fine by him.

"You aren´t fine, I already know you aren´t. So you don´t have to pretend to be," the blond muttered, brows furrowed in a slight frown.

For a second, Izaya just stared at him.

Stared.

Blankly.

And then his expression turned furious as Shizuo almost saw something snap inside him- Laughter, filled with malice and hatred, suddenly left his lips while his eyes were looking at him.

"Ahahahaha! And that´s where you´re wrong Shizu-chan-! I am fine!" he laughed, but the laugh was so hollow.

"Izaya-"

"Shut the fuck up-!" Shizuo didn´t even get to say any more and frowned- the raven had clenched his fists in anger. "Izaya, Izaya, Izaya, I´m sick of you saying Izaya all the time! Don´t fucking act like you know more about me than I do!" he was yelling. Shizuo hadn´t seen him this angry ever before- "You are just a petty monster Shizu-chan," he spat. "How could you even _try_ to understand someone like me?!"

A vein popped at Shizuo´s head as the raven went on. It wasn´t the insults that annoyed him, but the louse´s behavior.

"Listen-" he was getting annoyed with this, seriously-

"How long do you intend to keep this going?" the raven interrupted him one more, causing him to pause in his sentence.

How long, huh?

Good question.

"Until you are okay again," he replied, not knowing when that would be, but he knew he wouldn´t just leave and let the raven continue with that he was doing.

Izaya grinned at the response and nodded satisfied.

"Well then, I´m completely fine, Shizu-chan. Care to fuck off?" Shizuo´s eyes narrowed.

"You aren´t," he responded dryly. The flea was anything but fine.

"How would you know?" Izaya inquired, quirking an eyebrow in amusement.

Shizuo took a deep breath of air as he tried to keep his cool.

He knew it was just a fucking act.

He knew it! But it was pissing him off nonetheless-

"Oh, what a nasty glare you have there. So scary," the raven laughed, leaning forward to poke the crease that had formed on Shizuo´s forehead-

This fucking louse!

His hand snapped forward and grabbed the wrist, holding it in place but being careful not to accidentally break it-

"I won´t leave, Izaya. Now stop that bullshit," he growled, but his anger was only met with more laughter.

"Hmmm, I wonder what would make you leave," the raven teased, still pissed off.

"Nothing," Shizuo clarified.

"Haha, too bad, Shizu-chan. You have your weak spots, too, you know?" The blond frowned at the response.

"Like hell I do," he mumbled. What kind of weakness would he have? He didn´t know of any, and he doubted Izaya knew one.

A Cheshire smirk drew across Izaya´s lips as he glowered at the blond.

"Oh really?" he cooed, "What about Kasuka? An idol like him, just a rumor or two and hell would break loos-"

_**CRACK** _

Red. For a second, he had just seen red-

He had pushed the raven against his headboard - the sickening crack coming from somewhere around Izaya´s shoulder. His expression contorted into a pained one as he flinched at the harsh contact with the wall-

The hand was retracted almost instantly as the pained gasp reached his ears-

_Fuck_ -

Laughter. The flea was laughing again-

"Yay, beat me up-! That´s going to make me feel better for sure!" The headboard was cracked at the spot Izaya was leaning against-

He didn´t know whether it was only the headboard or something else, too, that he had heard cracking just now.

"Are you hurt?" The laughter stopped almost immediately replaced by a dumbfounded look, instead- then quickly turning into a glaring one once more.

"Cut the bullshit. What's wrong, aren´t you going to do it another time?" the raven spat, still not answering Shizuo´s question. "Why are you even trying to stop yourself when you obviously fail anyway?" The blond frowned.

"I know," he mumbled, letting go of Izaya´s arm as he got up from the bed, stepping away.

Shit... he had done it again.

Fucking again.

"What do you know?" the raven asked, glare still settled.

_**CRASH** _

It had been the flea´s cupboard that met Shizuo´s fist.

"I know, okay?! I know I have a temper problem!" he barked, still staying away from the flea, as he didn´t trust his temper around him. "I don´t want to hit you so much, okay?! But you just piss me of and then... it just happens!"

He didn´t want to fucking hurt people all the time!

He didn´t even want to hurt Izaya all the time!

But it just happened- his temper would get the better of him, and...

Fuck.

A slight chuckle reached his ears, and he looked back at the raven.

"At least I´m not the only one who needs to be _fixed_ then."

Tch.

Fucking flea.

That god-damn-

He took a deep breath of air before tugging his fist out of the poor cupboard. Wood splintered, and tiny pieces of it dropped to the floor.

"Just cut it out already Izaya," he said. Calm.

He had to stay that way.

...

Silence filled the room as Shizuo stood there. But for once, the raven actually listened.

Did he give up? Was he bored of this? Shizuo didn´t know, but he was grateful for the reprieve.

It was late.

10pm, by now.

"You should go back to sleep." he found himself mumbling as he picked up the roller blind from the floor once more. He pulled the fabric out and violently slammed the top of it into the wall above the window.

It wasn´t even, and it didn´t cover up all of the window, but it was all he was willing to do right now.

"I just woke up," the raven replied, admiring how it was taking all of the blond´s amazing mental skills just to use something like a roller blind. The blond shrugged.

"So what? You still look like shit." The raven snorted.

"Why, thank you." How amazingly sensitive of the brute.

"What are you going to do? Sleep too? Or watch me while I´m out of it like the creep you are?" Aha, he earned a glare for that one.

"I will sleep too. Dealing with your bullshit is exhausting," Shizuo replied, suddenly moving to the other side of the bed, turning off the light in the living room in between. The raven blinked, wondering where he was going for a second.

Only now he noticed that Shizuo was actually wearing different clothes than before.

"I don´t remember owning those. Did you actually leave me here to drop by your apartment?" he questioned, really wondering for a second if Shizuo had been that stupid. But he shook his head in denial.

"I had Celty get me some. She didn´t seem to know that this is your apartment," he answered instead, sitting down on the bed.

"Of course she doesn´t, this is the one I actually live at, and I would prefer if this place stayed secret," Izaya clarified, his voice fading out towards the end of the sentence as he watched the blond lay down on the bed.

"Uh, Shizu-chan, one question, just what do you think you are doing?"

"I´m tired. So I´m gonna sleep."

...

Dumbfounded, the raven stared at the blond.

"Ahaha, here? No way, Shizu-chan. There is a couch out there, or even better a floor. Can´t have a beast soil my couch now can we?" he spat, hoping he pissed the brute off with what he had said, but he remained calm, and just stared back at him.

"You seriously think I´m stupid enough to just sleep outside on the couch and conveniently let you escape or do whatever the heck you want while I sleep?" Izaya narrowed his eyes.

"You are kidding me. You are _not_ going to sleep in my bed."

"It´s too large for you alone anyway."

"That´s not the point-" and then something even more ridiculous happened.

Bewildered, Izaya stared at the hand that had grabbed his wrist.

"Shizu-chan, what the hell do you think you are you doing?"

"Making sure you don´t run away."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued~ xD
> 
> I think it´s more accurate to write "to be continued" than "end" of chapter x/y cuz -... my chapters never really have a clear "end" xDD
> 
> For everyone that forgot or might just have not read my author´s note above-
> 
> Behind closed doors 2 will be coming out tomorrow
> 
> Twtd 17, Bcd 3, No escape 3, Sotd 3 - will be coming out on Sunday the 24th april and Pm´s will be answered tomorrow as well xD
> 
> Sowy~
> 
> Oh well, anyway~ Stay tuned *^* Next chappy is seriously gonna tug at some feels ohhhhhh yeah *-*
> 
> You will have a love hate relationship with it~ But don´t worry, realization is something that´s needed for some shizaya time later on~ ;3
> 
> see ya xD


	17. ஜ Despair ஜ

\---Izaya´s point of view---

...

A joke. This had to be a fucking joke-!

"Ahaha, who knew you wanted to hold hands with me! Shizu-chan, is this some wish you have been harboring? Want to tell me something?" he spat, tugging at the arm that kept hold of him, but the blond didn´t loosen his grip in the slightest.

"I have a really deep sleep and I tend to cling to things while being out of it," he said, rather than reacting to Izaya´s statement. For a second the raven could do nothing but stare at the blond in front of him.

He was still holding his hand while seemingly getting comfortable in his bed.

This brute had to be joking.

"Ahaha, oh really? That´s the most idiotic thing I have ever heard. As if that would work," the raven glowered, still trying to get rid of the hand as he tugged harshly at it-

"Good for you then, right?" The words made Izaya´s eyebrows furrow.

What was he insinuating?

Did he intend to let him go?

"Right," he mumbled. The blond shifted, putting one arm beneath his head to use it as a pillow as the other stayed glued to Izaya.

He would have to sleep in that position the whole night.

As if.

He was obviously going to let go.

Was he really making it that easy for him? Had he finally had enough?

Izaya didn´t know, but somehow he was glad.

He wasn´t going to argue anymore.

Because... just a little bit more, just until that brute slept.

He had to endure this shit just a bit longer.

"Night, flea," the blond mumbled, his eyes now closed.

He glanced to the side. Shizuo was laying there, with his eyes closed- the frown was still visible on his forehead though.

Was he asleep?

Probably not yet. Or at least Izaya figured he wasn´t yet. Who knew, maybe that brute´s expression stayed that stern even in his sleep.

...

How odd.

Somehow, he had started to think that it would be way more difficult to get rid of Shizuo, if it even was possible-

With a sigh he let himself drop on his back, looking at the ceiling.

Now he just had to wait.

How simple.

...

It was quiet now in the dark room.

How he hated these silent moments.

Particularly at night.

When he was tired, yet couldn´t sleep because thoughts he would rather not think about kept him awake.

This heavy sadness weighing down on his chest.

He hated it. He felt like he was suffocating.

Like before on the couch. To be honest, ever since they had come home from the store, this feeling was nagging at him.

He couldn´t chase it away.

No matter what he thought about.

He wished he still had one of his knives at hand. They helped. A times like these they always helped.

Just feeling the cool metal run across his skin was already calming. Comforting.

Not to mention of the relief he always felt when he sliced the skin.

He loved it when the blood dripped down.

Just a few droplets.

It would sting- but that kind of pain was at least something real. Something that he could treat, that his brain could deal with.

A pain that lessened on its own with time.

The pain he was used to feeling just got more and more intense.

Overwhelming. And he didn´t know how to stop it.

Words like _alone, sick, crazy, no one cares anyway_ or _you don´t matter_ crossed his mind at those times. Leaving him to feel even more miserable.

He didn´t even know why he was thinking these things.

Why?

He knew that if he thought logically about it, none of these things really counted for him, or for anyone on this planet. Who even really mattered?

There were people who would care about him. Shinra, maybe.

No. Not maybe. That was his depression speaking again.

Surely. Shinra would be sad, at least for a while. And who knew, maybe even Shizu-chan would get bored without him and start missing him?

As for crazy he had always been that anyway. His kind of crazy. Loving humans. They didn´t understand why he was doing it, so they had no right to judge.

Maybe he was sick; speaking from a psychological point of view he probably was.

Alone. He wasn´t haha...

Tilting his head he looked to the side, Shizuo´s expression had softened by now.

No, he really wasn´t alone right now.

Yet...

How come he was feeling as if the blond wasn´t even there?

So cold... all the time.

He could tell he was trying his best for whatever reasons.

So why?

Why did he feel this god damn shitty feeling?

Logically speaking all these things were true.

And yet there was this heavy feeling of doubt nullifying every single one of those things.

He wished he had his knife. His flick blade. To chase away all these thoughts.

But no, the brute had cleared them all away.

He didn´t fucking want this anymore. He didn´t even feel happy anymore when good things happened to him.

He should be delighted and extremely amused about the whole matter of Shizu-chan being here.

He should be planning something, as usual. Annoy the brute. Maybe even-

...

No.

He swore he would leave that. It´s been years now. Years of hatred.

Imagining the impossible would only sadden him further.

He hated the brute for adding to his sadness, for bringing up things that he kept buried so long.

He was obviously done with him.

This petty excuse of taking his hand as a sort of security was so god-damn stupid, only Shizu-chan could have been able to think that one up.

But this was his way of letting him do as he pleased without being at fault he guessed.

So he was tired of this bullshit already after all.

He should have guessed.

A sad expression crossed the raven´s eyes as he looked at the blond.

In the end... Shizuo never gave a fuck about him.

...

Shizu-chan´s expression had relaxed. Finally.

Softly Izaya started to pull his hand, intending to slip out of his grasp so he could just go and leave already.

A frown crossed his face and he pulled a little harder, seeing as the blond didn´t let loose.

But he didn´t budge.

For a second Izaya just sat there, blinking.

Then he pulled as hard as he could.

With no result.

He couldn´t believe it.

This was a fucking joke right?

The brute actually had been serious.

He actually...

A hiccup escaped his lips as he pulled once more, trying to pry the hand off his wrist with all his might-

This couldn´t be true.

Something akin to panic filled his senses-

He hit the brute´s arm, hoping he would just let go- but all that protozoan did was fucking frown for a second-

That asshole.

That fucking...

Why...?

Why couldn´t he just leave him alone!?

He hated it!

He hated it so god-damn much!

He didn´t want this anymore. That fucking brute was just torturing him!

He didn´t want to anymore!

He didn´t want this!

**PAIN**

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Shizuo shot up from the bed, a hand on his nose as blood dripped down from it-

Fuck his nose _hurt_ -!

Just before the fist hit him again he raised his arm, swatting it away halfway-

"WHAT THE FUCK, FLEA?!" he yelled, only for it to come flying again.

Before that stupid louse could even react Shizuo shoved the fist aside, pushing the raven up against the already broken headboard.

It was dark in the room, the blinds keeping any light from shining inside- but just a little gap allowed light to fall into the room.

Just a little. But enough for Shizuo to see as his eyes got used to the darkness.

He had been about to yell at the flea. To ask why the fuck he had all of a sudden punched him into the face while he slept-!

He had just fallen asleep and now this?!

But that was when he felt it.

On his arm, the one that was holding up Izaya.

Something akin to warm water drops were falling on his skin.

He heard it before he saw it. The sobbing.

The hiccups and sniffs.

The tears running down Izaya´s face.

And it was as if all anger about the bleeding nose had been washed away.

Again a fist came flying once more, but he caught it easily.

"Fucking disappear already, you stupid brute!" His voice was shaking- actually, his whole body was as he noticed.

"Izaya, what-" but he didn´t get to say more- the raven wasn´t even listening.

"GO AWAY!" Again the fist came flying and Shizuo barely avoided the blow that was aimed at his face once more.

"Izaya-" He let go of the raven´s shirt and grabbed his hands before pinning him down to the bed- but that only made the raven try to kick him.

"Flea stop!" but he didn´t. Without hurting him, Shizuo tried to hold the squirming informant still-

Only after he positioned himself on top of the raven with his legs between his thighs he managed to keep him in place.

He was squirming, but started giving up the more he realized that it was effortless.

"Izaya, calm down," he practically begged as he watched the raven below him.

The louse glared, but stopped moving as tears still ran down his cheeks.

Shizuo didn´t get what was going on all of a sudden.

"What happened? Why are you crying?"

But all he got as an answer was a surprised expression as the raven suddenly ceased all movement.

He felt Izaya´s right hand twitch in attempt to lift it and let it go- only to follow it with his eyes as the raven touched his own cheek.

Izaya frowned just a little as he felt the hot tears on his fingertips.

... he really was crying.

He hadn´t realized.

...

"Izaya, what's wrong?"

_What´s wrong... huh..?_

"Can't you just get it over with?"

It was but a silent whisper that left Izaya´s lips.

Quiet.

A plead.

He was tired. Tired of everything. Shizuo frowned as new tears rolled down Izaya´s cheek and a half-assed smile appeared on his lips.

"We both know in due time I will get you to flip out anyway!" the raven laughed, guilt returning to Shizuo as he remembered all the times he had flipped out already.

Silence.

"Why not do it now?" the raven whispered.

No way...

"Izaya, why would you say that?"

Hah... why he asked.

"You wouldn´t understand." He didn´t even understand it himself-

"I could try to!"

Funny.

Shizu-chan almost seemed desperate as he said that. Desperate for what? To get him back to the way he was only to go back to hating and trying to kill him?

He could do without that.

"I could be deceiving you, you know," Izaya started, "Ever thought about that? Maybe I´m just bullshiting on you, acting like this to see you react." He looked at the brute. It was dark, but he could still see his expression slightly.

He had his eyebrows furrowed, but not in his usual angry frown, but rather a way that Izaya didn´t want to see. Almost looked like he was... worried.

"You aren´t," he replied, letting go of Izaya as he leaned back a bit, leaving more room to the raven. "I can see you are really in pain."

For a second Izaya´s mind was just blank.

That fucking brute.

He hated him.

He hated how he could be so damn perceptive at one time, but so god-damn fucking stupid on the other hand.

"Shut up. You don´t even understand what you are talking about," the raven hissed, his eyes narrowing as another tear trailed down his cheek. The brute had no fucking idea what was even going on in his head.

"Tch, I´m trying to, Izaya, okay?" Shizuo snapped, but the raven didn´t even want to listen anymore.

He has had enough.

"Shut the fuck up." Another tear. More following.

"Izaya..." That brute had no idea.

"Just... just shut up." And Shizuo stayed quiet.

He couldn´t stand it.

The raven was crying now, sobbing, just as before.

It was so obvious he was in some sort of pain- but he didn´t know what to do.

He didn´t know what would help- he didn´t know.

"... go away..." and the blond did.

He got up from the bed, barely throwing the blanket over the raven´s frame that had curled up again immediately, before stepping out of the room.

Wordlessly, he slid down the wall next to the still open door of Izaya´s room- the sobs still audible.

He was at a loss.

A total loss- he didn´t know what to do, he didn´t know what was right at the moment.

Not at all.

Pulling up his knees, he propped his arms up on them, running both hands through his hair.

He didn´t know what to do.

He didn´t know.

_Fix him-_

Only now, he got why Izaya had been so mad about him putting it like this.

This wasn´t something he could just fix.

He thought it was going to be easy.

He thought he would know what to do once he was here, but...

Fuck.

He had no clue at all...

He had all this strength. He could do so many things no normal human could ever accomplish.

And yet- now he felt so god-damn weak.

If he could just beat the flea back to his senses, he would do it, he would use all of the strength he had, but it wasn´t going to work like that.

He could hear him cry; he knew something terrible was going on in Izaya´s head.

But he just didn´t know what to do.

He couldn´t do anything.

Nothing at all.

And so he just sat there.

Waiting.

Listening.

Hoping for the flea to stop crying.

To just stop soon.

Because he didn´t know what to say.

Seconds passed.

Minutes.

Half an hour.

And after a while, the sobbing died down.

It got quieter, and quieter.

And then it stopped.

The blond kept sitting there for a little bit more, listening closely in case the raven got up- but he didn´t.

Silence was all he heard.

He got up, slowly, and turned around, facing the open door to Izaya´s bedroom.

"Iza-" the whisper got stuck in his throat as he saw the flea.

... it seemed he had fallen asleep.

Quietly he took a step forward. The floor didn´t squeak.

He walked over to the side of his bed.

His eyes were closed.

He was really sleeping.

The tears on his face had almost dried.

Redness was surrounding his eyes.

...

Softly, the blond let himself down onto the bed once more. He reached out.

Izaya´s hands were curled up in front of his body as if to protect himself from something.

Softly, he wrapped his fingers around his pale wrist.

He didn´t want to wake him.

"How, Izaya...", he whispered, so quiet- Izaya couldn´t have heard it even if he were awake.

"How am I supposed to even start helping you...?"

He didn´t know.

He seriously didn´t.

All he knew was- that he was going to stay here until he figured it out.

He wouldn´t give up on him.

"Do you have a plan?" Startled, the blond´s eyes snapped up to meet Izaya´s-

He was awake-

All emotion had disappeared from his face. The sadness, as well as his always smug act.

Just, blank. The pale lips were parted slightly, making the bruises that covered his skin seem all the worse. His eyes were red, from crying so long, his hair sticking to his forehead.

He was so calm.

So tranquil.

For a moment, Shizuo could just stare at this Izaya he had never seen before. He could only watch those eyelashes repetitive fluttering open and close- slowly as those dark red eyes kept looking at him- almost as if Izaya was hoping for something.

"Sorry. I didn´t mean to wake you," Shizuo found himself whispering, unintentionally ignoring the raven´s question.

"You said you would fix me. How? I don´t even know myself how to fix this mess, Shizu-chan." The words were quiet when they left the raven´s lips.

So quiet- and honest.

Shizuo could only look at him. He didn´t know how to handle the flea right now. He had stopped crying alright- but yet again he found himself to be so clueless about this whole situation.

Shizuo could just stare, his brain trying to come up with an answer.

But...

He had no idea...

He really didn´t know how.

Izaya was looking at him for the first time like he actually believed that maybe Shizuo could help him somehow, he was actually listening, he was actually being honest- but now it was Shizuo who had lost all hope in that regard.

He had nothing to say.

It was frustrating- just for once, he wished he were as smart as that raven. Maybe then he could think of something-

Maybe he would know how to actually help then.

Maybe he would be able to make the flea feel better right away-

Maybe-

And suddenly a hand found its way to Shizuo´s head, softly ruffling through the blond strands. At the gesture, the blond´s eyes widened, and Izaya´s lashes fluttered close again.

"Sorry. Nevermind."

It was all that left the raven´s lips as he withdrew the hand again and curled up in a sleeping position, leaving Shizuo to stare at him for a couple seconds.

Speechless.

He didn´t know this kind of Izaya.

He knew the cocky Izaya, asshole Izaya, the one that annoyed him, an angry Izaya, a crying Izaya- but this...

It was the worst of them all.

He had to get better.

He had to help him somehow-

There had to be a way! Frustration was taking a toll on him, and he got up from the bed again.

There was no way he could just sleep now.

He would only wake up tomorrow with an Izaya that he had no idea how to handle.

He had to find out what to do.

Fixing Izaya.

That had been stupid.

He wasn´t going to fix him.

He was going to help him.

He was going to make him feel better.

There had to be a way- and Shizuo would find it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of chapter 17 C:
> 
> Yayaya, often it´s forgotten how frustrated and close to despair the ones who try to help someone depressed feel about the whole thing.
> 
> Poor Shizuo. This isn´t as easy as you thought it would be. There is no short term solution for this kind of thing, sadly sadly.
> 
> Tho you could have reacted better than walking away baka xD Well well, now that Shizuo realized that he has no clue what to do about this, what do you think he will do next? hehe cx It will be something sweet C;
> 
> And Izaya? Well. That´s a secret cx Let´s just say- this story ship is taking course to a happier route :3
> 
> See you next sunday~! ()/~
> 
> PS.: Chapter 3 of Sotd will be coming out in 8 hours! xD


	18. ஜ The list ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey~! (ﾉಠヮಠ)ﾉ:･ﾟ*
> 
> Welcome to chapter 18 *^* hehe, well then, let´s see what Shizuo is up to now~ and most importantly how the raven will react to it~ cx Also, this is a longer chapter than usual xD I kinda ended up writing it more and thought it would be a shame to cut it off somewhere in the middle of something interesting xD
> 
> Guest 2: Awwww- thank you ;/; This is my favourite story right now xD My jewel hehe cx I dunno why but I love to make Shizuo helpless xD Since he is always strong and shit I like messing with him that way cx awww again your review just inspired me again xD Haha I guess that´s why the chappy ended up being so long xD Oh well~ cx thank chu C: 3
> 
> Thank you SoylentRamen for correcting my chappy~ *^*
> 
> Well then, enough rambling~
> 
> Enjoy~! (ﾉಠヮಠ)ﾉ:･ﾟ.*

  


* * *

**-Shizuo´s point of view-**

33, 34, _**flip**_ 35,36-

He inhaled the soothing nicotine.

37, 38- _**flip**_ an annoyed hiss escaped his lips as he closed the book and threw it over his shoulder.

Next one.

1, 2 _**flip**_ 3-

Annoyed, Shizuo ruffled a hand through his hair, the blue book resting on his lap as he sat on the floor, in between all these useless pieces of paper. The cigarette had already burnt down quite far- how many had he even smoked so far?

He pulled the pack out of his pants anew, intending to pull out a fresh one, but when he opened it, there was only nothingness gazing at him.

Now he knew how many he had smoked. There had been about twenty cigs in that package.

Blowing away a puff of smoke, he pulled the last one out and threw it into the cup he had been abusing as an ashtray. A bit of water was in there and the cigarette hissed as it was unceremoniously extinguished.

A glance was sent towards the clock in Izaya´s living room.

6 am. Izaya would wake up in an hour or two... And yet...

A little frustrated, Shizuo looked around the living room.

The books that had been resting on Izaya´s shelf had been pulled out. They were mostly books about psychology and the human mind.

Stuff he had kind of expected the raven to read.

He had skimmed through them in the hope that he would find something smart about... being suicidal or something.

And he actually did find a few entries, but what they wrote there sounded like Chinese to him. He had read those chapters, alright, but he still had no idea how he could actually help Izaya. Like, what was he actually supposed to do?

All those books did was list the symptoms of depression and things like that, but then they always just suggested going to a doctor and letting him prescribe some pills. Antidepressants and shit.

Shizuo didn´t like that at all.

It sounded like taking the easy way out. There were some books that said only therapy could get rid of those things, but then there were others that said it was depending on the type and that it would go by, by itself or stuff. There even were books that said to take pills, but that they could make the depression worse at first.

Like... What the actual fuck?

In Izaya´s case, the depression getting worse was something Shizuo didn´t even want to imagine. He already wanted to die- how much worse could it get?

It was frustrating- with all those articles and all those smart scientists, Shizuo felt like they didn´t even know what they were talking about. He doubted any of them even had this... Illness before writing these books.

They spouted different things, each of them, some even saying contradicting things in their own books.

Maybe he was just too stupid to get those things, but he had a feeling those books wouldn´t help Izaya at all.

And none of those scientists would, either.

And the doctors he doubted as well, with their fishy pills. If it were that easy, then why were so many people still suffering from it? Why was Izaya still suffering from it? He doubted Izaya hadn´t tried everything he could before deeming there was no other solution than to... call it quits.

He read statistics somewhere about how many people were suffering from depression and stuff- and then one that was about people actually committing suicide...

It was way more than he thought.

Frustrated, the blond kicked the books out of his way as he went over to the flea´s couch, slumping down on it.

He tilted his head back over the arm of the couch, barely seeing the open bedroom door.

Izaya was still sleeping.

...

_"Sorry. Nevermind."_

...

Deep in thought, Shizuo ruffled a hand through his hair again, just the way Izaya had done. It was seriously nagging at him.

The way Izaya had looked. It didn´t even look like Izaya didn´t want to get better, the opposite- the way he had looked at him... It almost felt as if he were hoping for Shizuo to give him an answer, to tell him just what he should do to stop this. He looked like he was actually hoping that Shizuo could make him feel better somehow.

It was seriously eating away at the blond.

And then that gesture... He had expected a snappy remark, something along the lines of him being too stupid to think of something, or that he shouldn´t have asked a protozoan such a question- but instead he just...

Shizuo groaned, getting up from the couch again. He started pacing around the room.

It was seriously bothering him, even more then when the flea annoyed him. It annoyed him to a degree it almost made him angry again, but he couldn´t get mad.

He couldn´t, because he didn´t want to hurt the flea any more than he already had- and he simply couldn´t because there was just something missing.

He hated to admit it, but he wanted the old Izaya back. With all his asshole like behavior- he would prefer that to the tranquility he showed yesterday.

Still walking around, the blond let his eyes wander over the living room, hoping for an idea to pop up in his mind- just anything. And then his sight fell on Izaya´s computers.

He had two of them- no wait. It were just two screens, but one computer.

Maybe he would find something on the internet!

New hope blooming in his chest, he quickly shuffled over to the screens, turning the computer on. A soft whooshing noise came from the tower as the device turned itself on.

A plain bluish black background greeted him with 4 icons on the Desktop.

Four pretty interesting icons.

One was called _**"Work"**_ another one _**"Information"**_ , there was one named _**"Bank"**_ but the one that drew his attention was the fourth, way down on the right corner of the Desktop.

_**"Shizu-chan."** _

The flea had a folder on him?

Curious, Shizuo double clicked on it, only for a small window to pop up.

It was requesting a password. Of course the flea would protect his files even on his own computer.

He tried the other folders- they were all secured with passwords, too.

Still curious, Shizuo clicked on his own folder again and looked at the keyboard.

A password that Izaya would use to lock his folder...

Slowly he started to type- _Shizu-chan._

Because why not use the name of the folder as the password?

But the field turned red, a little line appearing, stating that the password was invalid. Well, that would have been too easy, wouldn´t it?

He tried another- _Password_. He had read somewhere that this one was actually used a lot.

Same for the next- _123456_.

But of course they were both wrong. However, a new field popped up after Shizuo pressed Enter on the third try.

**Hint: Something I love**

The blond blinked. Something that Izaya loved? That would be pretty easy, if it was what he thought it was-

**-Humans**

But of course that was not the password; again it stated the password was invalid.

**Otooro**

That wasn´t it either. Sighing, the blond gave up and opened a web browser. After all, he wanted to do something else here right now.

The familiar Google page greeting him, Shizuo ruffled through his hair as he tried thinking of what to search for. To be honest... he didn´t have much hope that he would find anything useful there.

He wanted to help Izaya, to actually find out what he could _do_ to help him- and so he started searching.

There were way more entries than he thought there would be. He just did what he always did- opened every promising result found on the first page and opened it in a tab before typing in what he wanted to find in a different way.

He even tried English instead of Japanese, hoping that he would find something useful if he used the global language.

Then he started looking them through. One by one, he clicked on the tabs, letting his eyes quickly scan over the pages. His elbow was propped up on the desk, his head balanced on his hand as he kept reading.

Time went by fast and the clock in the living room announced that it was already 8am after a while of searching.

But Shizuo still hadn´t really found anything useful. He did read a lot of other things though- things that he should have read before all this...

There wasn´t a list that told him what to do to make Izaya feel better, but he found a couple of entries that said, what a person should _not_ do.

The more he had read those entries, the worse he felt about everything he had said. He started to realize that it might have been his own fault that Izaya reacted the way he did...

Sighing deeply, he ruffled through his hair. He was tired from pulling an all-nighter and he felt guilty for the things he said and did.

And the internet? It didn´t help him at all.

He was about to close all the tabs that were still left over to look through, when something caught his attention- it was one of the tabs, the last that he had just been about to close.

**How To Help Yourself  
Get Through Depression  
On A Day-To-Day Basis**

...

Curiosity taking the better of him, he refrained from closing this tab and inspected it closer instead. He knew it was most like just some more bullshit that would only work for one person or the other and that wouldn´t help Izaya, but it caught his attention.

Especially the first point on the list.

**1\. If you might be a danger to yourself, don't be alone. Find people.**

There were a lot of points listed. Some made sense to him, some sounded so ridiculous he doubted they would work on any person, not even starting to talk about Izaya- but all in all there were things that actually made sense, that actually looked like they could work, or help at least a bit.

He kept reading.

Letting his eyes glance over the numbers, he copied the text.

A word document was opened and the words were pasted into it. Sure, about 60% of that text did sound like crap, but the other 40%- they were worth giving a shot-

Again, that image of what Izaya looked like yesterday flashed through his mind as he sorted the list and printed it out.

Of course, just following some sort of list wouldn´t be the solution for everything- but... At least it was something he could do, something he could try, so he wouldn´t just sit there without a clue what to talk about or do with Izaya at all. He wasn´t smart like the flea, he knew he would run out of ideas at probably the worst times.

He never wanted to feel that kind of frustration again.

Suddenly, a noise reached his ears. Shuffling and steps could be heard before the person he was wracking his head about appeared in the doorframe of the bedroom.

Shizuo almost felt guilty for how shitty the flea looked. It wasn´t just that he had dark bags under his eyes and that he looked way too skinny to be healthy, but also those many bruises... Bruises that he caused.

On his neck and his cheek, arms- basically everywhere. Dimly, Shizuo remembered Izaya´s shoulder- he had shoved him into the headboard and something definitely did crack there.

He didn´t know if he hurt the flea again or not. It bothered him, too.

Without sparing so much as a glance at the blond, the raven walked down those few stairs in front of his bedroom and went towards the kitchen.

Alarmed, the blond got up from his seat, knowing that there were more than enough knives in the cupboards.

The raven reacted by turning around and looking at the debt collector.

"Calm down," he mumbled, his voice sounding a little creaky as he opened one of the upper cupboards, pulling out a glass. "Just getting something for this shitty headache."

He pulled some pills out of a smaller drawer and filled his glass with water.

The blond didn´t relax, though, and went over to the raven. The prospect of knives being in these drawers under the sink wouldn´t let him relax as long as Izaya was in the kitchen.

The flea was fast enough to pull some shit while Shizuo was watching him. He shuffled over to the aforementioned drawer and leaned against the sink, effectively blocking it as he stuffed his hands into his pockets.

Izaya watched him, even seemed to get what Shizuo was doing, but didn´t say anything.

"How long have you been up?" he asked instead, taking a few more sips of his water as he sat down at the kitchen counter, the shirt and pants he wore loosely hanging on his slender frame.

"Didn´t sleep at all, actually." Izaya raised an eyebrow at that, watching the blond as he turned around, turning on the stove on which the soup from yesterday was still sitting.

"You pulled an all-nighter? What for?" he inquired, pulling his sleeves over his hands to try and make himself feel less cold. The blond glanced at the flea for a second.

"You, actually," he answered honestly. He might as well tell Izaya. The raven frowned slightly, more in confusion than in annoyance.

"... care to explain?"

"I think I found some things that could help you." That kind of answer was something that Izaya expected, and did not expect- He had figured by the way his living room had been ransacked that Shizuo had been trying to search for information on ... Well his mental case, he guessed.

"Help, huh? What are you going to force me to do next?" he asked, the frown neatly in place. To be honest, he was kind of annoyed by this. It was already a hassle that Shizuo was there all the time, that he saw him cry yesterday. He should just go and disappear; he shouldn´t even be here, but now this?

He lifted his head to look at the brute as some rustling reached his ears. A piece of paper had found its way into the protozoan´s hands.

"What´s that?" Izaya asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"A list." The blond stated the obvious, not showing the contents of it to Izaya, though. He just seemed to be scanning the page for himself.

"A list?" Izaya replied, sounding like he was questioning whether he had heard right.

"Yes." Izaya actually had to chuckle at that. A list.

"Pfft, have fun with that, Shizu-chan. Bet you found it on the internet or something. That shit doesn´t help. I tried," he announced, a tad amused by how simple the blond was-

Shizuo just shrugged. To be honest, he didn´t really care what Izaya had tried and what he had not. Maybe he just hadn't done things right, or like they were supposed to be done.

"Well, I didn´t see you try, so you will have to try again." That earned him a glare, but he expected as much. He had already noticed that Izaya hated not being left alone. The prospect of having to actually do something about this _together_ with him was obviously not to his liking, either.

Izaya sighed, crossing his arms on top of the table as he rested his head on his arms.

"Whatever, if it makes you happy." That just meant he would get more chances to get away from the brute. He couldn´t stand being near him anymore.

At first it was just annoying, he was just a hindrance to doing what he wanted, but now...

His right fist curled slightly.

He hated to admit it, and he wouldn´t admit it, it wasn´t like the brute was affecting him in any way at all, and yet-

He just wanted him gone, okay? Shizuo being there was not contributing to him getting better.

That´s all.

"Here." The raven blinked, suddenly finding a hot bowl of soup in front of his nose.

The brute had placed it there, together with a spoon.

He eyed first the soup, then the blond-

For a second, Shizuo thought Izaya was going to complain. He seemed like he was about to say something, but he closed his mouth again, taking the spoon instead.

Izaya felt cold. He might as well do what the brute wanted and feel a bit warmer.

A bit glad that Izaya wasn´t complaining, Shizuo folded the paper again, shoving it back into his pants pocket.

He had already chosen one of the points that he would try with the flea for today.

"We are going out after you're done," he announced, making Izaya pause as he was about to eat another spoonful of the soup.

"Where to?" he asked, already annoyed. But the brute didn´t tell. Instead he just shrugged.

"You'll see."

Annoying.

"Don´t you have a job? What about Tom?" Izaya questioned. As far as he knew, Shizuo hadn´t quit his job, and he highly doubted that Tanaka would fire Shizu-chan, no matter what he destroyed or who he beat up. Shizuo just shrugged.

"Took the holidays I never used anyway."

Figured.

"Using your free time for me, I feel honored," the flea crooned, swallowing another spoonful of the warm liquid. He was freezing.

Always, he didn´t even know why, but he was always cold. The soup was helping a bit.

"What about _your_ job, actually?" Shizuo asked, instead of replying to Izaya´s sarcastic statement.

The raven paused, remembering that he did actually have a job. But, smart as he was, he already knew what was going to come and settled things in advance.

"...they probably think I´m dead."

The blond´s eyes widened slightly at Izaya´s answer.

"What?" What did Izaya tell them? "Why?" The flea shrugged.

"I kinda quit my job, Shizu-chan. The usual clients, I just ditched, and the ones that were too persistent, I told I have an incurable illness and will die soon ...which... isn´t far from the truth actually, ne?"

Shizuo frowned as that usual smirk spread across Izaya´s features after saying such a thing.

Tch, again he was just like yesterday.

What was he? A puppet that could act perfectly as long as it charged over night? But in the evening it would break down?

He hated how Izaya was treating himself. It wasn´t right. To talk like that about his own death, to want that, too... He didn´t know why, it just disturbed him greatly.

It felt like Izaya was torturing himself.

"Stop that," he demanded, not exactly knowing why or what exactly was bugging him so much.

"Stop what, Shizu-chan?" the raven asked innocently, as if he didn´t know what Shizuo was talking about.

Shizuo turned around, taking the empty soup bowl and putting it in the sink.

"You know what I mean."

_Calm, huh?_

What did Shizuo even want with him? He was obviously annoyed by Izaya. Annoyed by what he said, what he did, even what he thought.

He had to try hard to keep his temper like that, Izaya figured.

He didn´t get it. Why the brute was treating him the way he did, and he hated him for it.

Yeah, that´s right.

He hated Shizu-chan. He detested him.

Sudden movement and the feeling of his hand being tugged away made the raven snap out of his thoughts.

The brute had walked around the counter and was pulling the raven after him-

"What the- Shizu-chan, let go." The informant squirmed, trying to pry the hand off, but it was useless with Shizu-chan.

Before he knew it, he found himself being dragged into the bathroom and seated on the closed toilet seat.

A glare settled on his frame he looked up at the blond hovering over him- until he opened the cupboard in the bathroom.

A roll of fresh bandages found its way into his hands and he went back to Izaya, kneeling down in front of him.

"That needs to be changed." Izaya blinked-

He was talking about the bandages.

The one on his left hand had come loose and there were blotches of dried blood seeping through the white surface.

Izaya was so perplexed he didn´t even get to say anything as the blond started pulling off the bandage.

Gentle.

Way too gentle.

Izaya frowned. Shizuo was supposed to rip it off his arm, ripping all the cuts open again in best case. He shouldn´t be like this!

He couldn´t be like this around him.

It was unfair.

Torture.

He hated Shizu-chan- and he was about to hiss that at him, but then the bandage came off completely.

... He just had to glance down at his arm didn´t he?

Shizuo still didn´t like the sight. Not at all.

All those cuts, and now the fresh ones on top.

"Izaya, why-" but then he paused.

He wanted to ask the flea why he was hurting himself like this, but when he looked up again to look at Izaya´s expression, he noticed that he had again messed up a bit.

At least he felt like he did, even if he just meant well, because the flea looked again just like yesterday night.

He was looking at his own arm, his expression had grown pale and tranquil again.

He hated that expression-

Quickly, he unrolled the fresh bandage, putting the first layer on top of the hand, hiding the scars from Izaya´s sight as he refrained from looking at Izaya´s expression.

_Stop it._

"Ne, what´s your favorite animal?" the raven blinked, having heard that the blond was speaking to him.

"... Huh?" What?

The blond wasn´t looking at him, he just kept handling the white bandage.

"Don´t you have one? I bet you do. Fleas, I guess." The raven frowned slightly.

"You are the one that keeps calling me a flea. I don´t really prefer any animal," he stated with a slight shrug.

"You kinda seem like you would be a cat person." Cat?

"Seriously? And what´s Shizu-chan, then? A dog person?" The raven snorted innocently, expecting to earn a glare from the brute, but instead he close to... Smile...?

"Done," he suddenly stated, getting up from the floor again.

The raven let his eyes trail down once more again, now only seeing a white, neatly wrapped arm.

He hadn´t noticed he finished that fast.

...

He glanced at the brute.

...

... Nah, he was thinking too much.

The blond stepped out of the bathroom, and the raven followed him back into the living room.

"Now let´s go," he announced, moving over to the entrance, pulling the key with which he had locked the door yesterday out of his pocket.

The raven sighed.

He wouldn´t be able to worm his way out of that one anyway, would he?

He put on his trademark coat and some shoes, stepping towards the door, when suddenly a hand grabbed his wrist.

A glance was spared at the hand grabbing his own and then at the person this hand belonged to. It was obvious what the blond had in mind.

"You must be joking."

"I can´t have you running away from me," the blond stated, obviously dead serious as he glanced at the flea, the door falling into its lock behind them.

A sigh escaped Izaya´s lips.

"Fine. I give up."

Walking with the brute hand in hand through Shinjuku...

Seriously.

What a joke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of chapter 18 C: I´m not sure if the heart tugging awesome yet bittersweet part will be coming in the next chapter ooooor the chapter after the next xDDD Anyway, stay tuned *0* It´s gonna turn awesome soon ;3
> 
> REALLY awesome~ Bittersweet~ xDD
> 
> Also- please do check out my other story, survival of the doomed- it´s a zombie story, but not as scary as you may think- it´s actually gonna turn really sweet and shit cx It´s really cute xD But somehoe only 4 people are reading it ;-; even though I give my bestttt-
> 
> oh well :3
> 
> See you next sunday~! (ﾉಠヮಠ)ﾉ:･ﾟ
> 
> Ps.: You know what minna-san? xD I finally got enough confidence to actually write my book down ;/; well not everything yet, but chapter 1 got done yesterday *0* Perfectly done, it´s gonna stay just that way cx Now on to chapter 2 xDDD If I keep going like this it will be done until October 2016 ;/;
> 
> I kinda always doubted that I actually can write anything apart from Shizaya- but you guys gave me so much confidence over the course of time about my writing itself so, that the lil insecure me actually gained enough confidence to start x'D Thank chu ;/; Imma keep you updated in little Ps.:- notes how my book is going x'DDD


	19. ஜ Word play ஜ

 

**-Izaya´s point of view-**

...

This... Was really an entirely unpredicted situation.

Sure, with Shizu-chan Izaya never expected anything to be normal or as he expected it to be- but this, this really beat everything that the blond had pulled so far.

"People are looking, you know," he threw in, noticing how everyone on the streets was staring at them as if they were some kind of aliens.

Well he couldn´t blame them.

Seeing the worst enemies of the whole of Japan walk down the street together holding hands-

Yeah, that was sure to have an impact.

Izaya had already kind of expected it, but he had really hoped that Shizu-chan would at least make their "hand holding" more subtle once they were outside.

Haha, not with Shizu-chan though.

Of course, he wasn´t even _trying_ to hide anything, nor did he take any alleys that would have hid them.

To Izaya´s statement, the blond merely shrugged.

"I don´t care."

He seriously couldn´t care less about what those people thought. He had stopped caring about trivial things like that when he had been around 17.

"They will spread rumors." Again the raven had spoken, apparently not as unconcerned with the crowds around them as Shizuo.

"So?" To be honest, Shizuo wouldn´t even mind if some of his few friends saw them. Those that knew him had to know that he had to have a pretty good reason if he was running around with the raven like that, and those that didn´t know him enough to figure that much didn´t matter anyway.

The raven shrugged. "Nevermind." A sigh escaped his lips as he skipped along the pavement next to Shizu-chan.

He already wanted to go back home again. Wherever the blond was dragging him to, he highly doubted that it would change anything.

It was odd. Usually, Izaya would be exhilarated to be able to do something like this. All those lovely humans that he had claimed to love for so long showed the most magnificent expressions when they spotted them.

He could start odd rumors, stir some people up- so many endless possibilities, so many things the "old" Izaya would have done... and yet...

He just wanted to go home.

He wished he could just go back to that carefree self he had been before.

Running around out here only showed him even more how messed up he was.

Seeing all those people, happy, or stressed in some way, shopping with friends or hurrying to work. Every single one of them managed to get on with their life in a normal healthy way.

Just not Izaya.

It was depressing just to think about it.

"Where do you think we are going?"

The raven blinked, barely registering what the blond had said to him. He tilted his head to the side, glancing at Shizu-chan, only to notice that he was already looking at him.

"Where?" he repeated, wondering if the brute had been staring at him for longer. The blond nodded, still looking at him.

A soft shrug followed, and Izaya looked back at the pavement.

"I don´t know. You're the one with the smart list here," he answered sarcastically. He still thought it was kind of ridiculous that Shizuo thought following a list would help.

Somehow, he felt like he was accompanying himself.

When he first started trying to find out how he could make himself feel better and chase that shitty feeling away, he had thought some sort of list could help him too. Despite all the knowledge he had.

He had basically thought the same thing as Shizuo. That it was just a phase, that he just need to snap out of it and fix himself quickly.

Haha... Now that he thought about it that way, he guessed he had gotten mad at Shizuo for something that he couldn't have known.

"Well, we are here."

Blinking, the raven snapped out of his thoughts once more, looking in front of him.

**Number 6. Read. Go to the library and check out fiction you've wanted to read for a long time; books in whatever genre you like.**

That was what he had read on the list- and Shizuo found it to be something that he could do with the flea today. He didn´t know if it would help him at all, and he didn´t know too much about the flea yet... Actually he knew next to nothing about Izaya. He realized that when he tried to think of a way to help him.

But seeing as the louse had so many books in his apartment, he figured the flea liked to read.

And he wanted to help Izaya feel better, after all. Doing something he liked had to help, no?

Raising an eyebrow in question, the louse glanced at the debt collector.

"You are dragging me to a library?" he asked, the disbelief clear in his voice.

"Yeah. You like reading, don´t you?" Shizuo stated, opening the heavy door of the huge building. It was a large library. There was even a second floor and a hall where dozens of people were reading books.

Old ornaments decorated the ceiling and walls- Classical paintings were hung all around.

It was a beautiful building.

"And you concluded that why?" the raven asked, brushing past the blond as he entered the hall, almost slipping his hand out of Shizuo´s, but the other quickly gripped his hand a tad tighter.

He wasn´t going to let him go even for a second as long as they were outside.

The raven sighed.

"Because of the books in your room," Shizuo mumbled, the door closing as he let go of it. "Your own fucking apartment looks like a library." The raven stayed quiet; instead, he glanced towards the tables. Soft whispers reached his ears and glances were sent towards the two as the people reading twisted their heads around.

Looking at them.

Seriously.

Izaya could already imagine the rumors that were bound to come up.

Did Shizuo not realize what this looked like? Or did he really not give a fuck?

"Come on, let´s find some books for you."

Izaya followed the brute unwillingly as he dragged him down the hall, towards a couple of book shelves.

"Anything specific you wanna look for?" he asked, making Izaya frown, a tad annoyed.

He didn´t want to read.

Books and shows were just temporary solutions. The second he finished reading a chapter or a book, he would have to return to this cruel reality and realize that nothing changed anyway.

A waste of time.

"What kind of genre does Shizu-chan like?" Shizuo blinked when the raven said that.

Him?

"Huh? Me? You should search for some books that _you_ like," he stated, looking around for some kind of psychology section or whatever. The raven didn´t let the topic slide though.

"But I´m curious. I want to read the books Shizu-chan would read," he chirped.

...

Was he trying to mock him?

"I don´t really read though," the blond mumbled shrugging. That statement didn´t seem to put the raven off in the slightest, though.

"Hmmm I see," the flea nodded to himself, "then what kind of book would interest you? I doubt it would be anything too informative, correct?" The blond frowned, looking at the raven and this smile he had placed on his face again.

Was coming here a bad idea? Why was he suddenly putting on that act as if everything was fine? As if everything was like it always was.

"I really don´t know, maybe some adventure book or something," he answered, hoping the raven would drop the act once he answered his question.

"Adventures it is, then."

This was totally not going as he had planned.

"I don´t want to read anything, Izaya," Shizuo frowned, why was he being so stubborn?

"Ah, but I don´t want to, either. Whatever should we do now?"

Tch.

That flea. He didn´t even want to try.

"Come on. Just pick something you like, I bet there is one book, at least," the blond suggested, spotting a shelf with the words "bestseller" written all over it.

He took a step forward, intending to drag the raven towards it, in the hope that he would see something there that he would want to read and stop being so stubborn-

But of course, the flea resisted when Shizuo pulled at his hand.

"Not interested." Frowning he turned around, he didn´t exactly want to _drag_ the raven over there.

"You just want to go back home again, huh?" A grin flashed over the informant´s face and he smiled.

"Whoa, the protozoan actually got something right."

Of fucking course.

"Tch, Izaya, you know if you don´t even-"

"Izaya?! And Shizuo?!" Being interrupted by the rather loud yell of their names both turned around, facing the direction it came from.

"Karisawa, shhh! This is a library!"

"Yumichi, Yumichi! Look! I was right!" The raven blinked when he saw the trio walk quickly over to them. Erika was carrying around a bag with dozens of new manga volumes in it- probably from the bookstore right next to the library.

Yumasaki was walking next to her, also carrying a bag full of manga volumes while trying to calm his friend down- and Kadota walking behind the other two.

Speaking of that guy, he eyed the two rather stupefied.

"Uh... Hey," he mumbled. Izaya wasn´t sure if the greeting was directed at him or the blond.

"What are you two doing here?! And-" the girl gasped, only now, Izaya noticed, did her gaze drift down to their hands to see what they were doing. Of course Shizu-chan hadn´t even let go of his hand when the three approached them- "Holding hands?!"

Almost instantly the other two pairs of eyes trailed down there, as well.

Gaping, they were left speechless.

"SEE?! I knew it all along!" Erika squealed, elbowing Yumasaki into the side...

"Karisawa-san- you were actually right... I´m shocked."

"No way," Kadota mumbled, obviously too surprised to say anything.

The raven laughed quickly, raising the hand that was connected with Shizuo´s.

"It´s a bet! Don´t worry about it, Dotachin." Shizuo finally unfroze, looking at Izaya.

He was kind of grateful he had come up with a good excuse, since Shizuo wouldn´t have known what to say except the truth- but then again, a frown carved itself onto his expression.

He didn´t like it- how easily Izaya could lie to them. No, to everyone, probably.

Unintentionally, his hand squeezed Izaya´s hand slightly as he frowned.

"A bet? What kind of bet would manage to make Shizuo hold your hand?" A frown had appeared on Kadota´s face.

Of course. It wasn´t exactly like Shizuo would usually bet over anything.

"Ah, you are thinking of something shady, aren´t you?" The raven smirked, cocking an eyebrow.

"You only do shady," the man remarked, slightly glaring at the mischievous informant.

"Actually, it is a bet, Kadota," the blond quickly threw in with a sigh, more out of frustration that Izaya was using this shitty way of behavior again but to Kadota it probably looked like he was fed up because of this "bet."

The man´s expression relaxed again, looking at Shizuo this time.

"Since when do you do bets?"

"KYAAAA-!" All three flinching slightly at the volume of the girls voice they looked towards her- she had dropped her bags and her eyes were glittering weirdly- "Iknewit!Iknewit! Theyaretogethertheyaresecretlytogetherandathomethey****and****andthenthey-"

"Karisawa! Calm down please!" Yumasaki begged, shaking the girl as Izaya kept watching the scene rather confused.

"What?" The guy waved him off quickly.

"No idea, better you don´t listen," he stated.

"Btw, I´m surprised you are here, we kinda thought you were dead, Izaya-san."

Izaya froze at that- and not only him. Shizuo grew tense at that, too.

"Ah, me too, actually. Didn´t you see it on the web?" Yumasaki added, still busy keeping the girl's mouth shut.

"Yeah, it´s all over the news, even." The raven frowned. What were they talking about?

Having a bad feeling about this, he watched Kadota as he flipped his phone out of his jacket´s pocket.

"This, it was put online yesterday."

The blond leaned forward, looking at what the man was showing them. It was a video-

Obviously filmed by an amateur. The focus was on a shop in Ikebukuro and on what seemed to be his girlfriend, but then the focus quickly changed as two very familiar figures entered the scene.

The raven blinked when he saw himself run past the girl and the guy filmed back to film the other individual.

"That´s from the day before yesterday," the raven commented, blinking. It was when he had... tried to run away from the brute. Good thing this guy hadn´t filmed his face too closely.

Shizuo was just storming out of the building Shinra lived in.

The raven blinked as he chased after him, only to be stopped shortly.

"A car ran you over, then?" he asked, glancing at the blond. Shizuo shrugged. "I didn´t see it coming."

Then the video switched back to Izaya, who was just about to disappear around a corner- the guy zoomed closer- until the vending machine invaded his sight.

"Oh." This time, it was Shizuo who spoke.

"Ah, that hurt," the raven touched the side of his head, remembering for a second how that thing had knocked him out.

The video was only a few seconds longer. Shizuo ran over and looked at the flea- then everyone started asking if he killed him and stuff. The raven flinched ever so slightly when he heard what else the crowd was yelling.

Kill him, huh?

The video ended with the brute barking at everyone to get away.

"Well, as you see, I´m not dead," the raven stated, a smile on his face as usual- "At least, not yet." A glare met Izaya´s eyes as he glanced shortly at the brute.

"Ah, Kadota, we need to hurry or the manga-ka will be gone! If I don´t get my manga signed because of you, I will make you wear a maid dress for a week!" The man shivered, quickly shoving the phone back into his jacket.

"Sorry, I've got to go-" he said quickly, causing Shizuo to nod.

"Ah, see you." Karisawa grinned as she looked at the two holding hands once more.

"Bye bye," she smiled, quickly taking off with her bags and Yumasaki.

Izaya waved smiling as the trio disappeared again.

"Can you stop that shit?" The raven blinked, not having suspected the hostile question. He dropped the hand, looking at the brute questioningly.

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean," Shizuo growled, "Stop talking like that. With that double meaning, just stop."

Ah.

What he said to Kadota. That he hadn´t died yet. A smile placed itself on his lips as he looked at the blond.

"Is it bothering you?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See chu in chapter 20~ Unwanted touch~ C; Ohohohoho
> 
> for the people here that might have gotten like-AWWW they kept holding hands! This was only the beginning~ Finally some sweety stuff is gonna happen *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
> 
> But I take it the title is giving that away anyway~ xD
> 
> See you next sunday~ *^*
> 
> PS.: No escape is gonna be updated in a few days cx
> 
> And next week, aka 15th May, there will be no updates, except The wish to disappear ;3 That one is gonna get updated xD Can´t leave you hanging for too long, now can I? xD


	20. ஜ Unwanted touch ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo~ (ﾉಠヮಠ)ﾉ:･ﾟ.*
> 
> Welcome to chapter 20 *^* ARE YOU READY FOR A SQUEALY CHAPPY?! *0*0*0* xD
> 
> I dunno if this already counts as really squealy, but compared to everything that has happened so far it definitely is the closest to a squeal that you will get to for now xD
> 
> Next time is gonna be 5 times greater than this- *-*-*-*-*
> 
> Guest 2: Ohhhhhh- I see, smart chu *^* xD hmmm about izaya listening to Erika, well- I think it would actually have had the opposite effect c: ohhh- chu mentioned something very important for later here hehehe~ Indeed xD University sure catches up with me xD but at least the exams are not all in a single week this year x'DD thank chu for always leaving so sweet and inspiring reviews hehe reading them always gives me a boost for writing the next chappy xD
> 
> Guest: xDDD Glad you like le squealy fangirl xD hehe and if you see what´s going to come around because of her- ohohohohoho- let´s just say next chapter is gonna make some people seriously freak out x'D awwwwww you are so sweet ;/; thank yo
> 
> Thank you very much for correcting this chapter SoylentRamen! *^*^*^*
> 
> Enjoy~! (ﾉಠヮಠ)ﾉ:･ﾟ.*

  


**-Shizuo´s point of view-**

Tch.

Shizuo frowned, tugging at the raven´s hand as he made his way over to another shelf.

"Actually it is, so stop it," he growled. He just hated how he was treating this.

Like a fucking joke.

Nothing was funny about this- even if Izaya seemed to like to pretend that way. It was almost as if he wanted to ridicule what was going on that way.

The only thing that Shizuo wondered about what whether Izaya pretended that way for Shizuo or himself.

"Why do you always do that?" he asked, hoping that he would gain an answer that might make him understand, but of course Izaya´s intention was a different one.

"What, did you think just dragging me to a library would change my mind or something?"

"No, but...-" If he just knew how to handle the flea. "Just forget it."

The raven smiled, satisfied.

"Hmmm, if Shizu-chan says so," he chirped, letting himself be dragged over to another shelf, only for the brute to stop walking midway, almost making Izaya bump into him.

"You don´t intend to actually read anything here, do you?" he asked, turning around to look at the louse. He was grinning, again.

God how he hated this new type of grin.

"Nope."

Fucking louse.

He was being difficult on purpose, wasn´t he?

"Okay, I give up."

That statement made Izaya blink.

"What, you're just going to let me leave now?" he asked, quirking an eyebrow as he softly tugged at the hand that was still grasping his own. Almost instantly, it tightened its grip, though.

"No, you idiot," the blond mumbled. "But I doubt forcing you to do anything you detest this much will actually help you."

Izaya frowned, a glare settling in his eyes as he narrowed them.

"Don´t try to act all smart on me, Shizu-chan. Amoebas are known to be inferior to human intellect," he spat.

If he hated something, then it was other people trying to tell him what was good for him, especially Shizuo- what was he? A child? The blond only frowned at that answer.

"Maybe it´s that intellect that got you into this shit."

...

A blink followed, the malice disappearing from Izaya´s face at those words.

...

That fucking brute.

His lips pressed into a tight line, he followed the blond out of the library.

He wanted to say something, a good retort, to throw the protozoan off again.

But...he just couldn´t. Because of what he said.

It wasn´t the first time that Izaya had wondered whether this shit might come from his constant habit of thinking too much about too many things.

A saying said it too. "Happiness in smart people is a rare occurrence." Einstein had been said to have had depression.

Would that mean it was his own fault? What should he do about it, then? Nothing? Was it incurable?

Way too many thoughts raced through the raven´s head as the blond dragged rather than walked Izaya to the train station they had arrived at before.

Over thinking, huh? Maybe that was the root of all problems. It sure was. If he just didn´t give a fuck about anything, didn´t feel anything, then the problem would be solved, wouldn´t it?

That would be all.

How, though...

"You ignoring me now?" The words caught Izaya off guard and he glanced at the brute. They had entered the underground train to Shinjuku.

He shrugged, trying to act just his usual self.

"There just isn´t anything to say." The blond wasn´t backing off, though. He had noticed how oddly quiet the raven had become.

"You always have something to say," he threw in causing the raven to sigh-

A sighing Izaya was already an indication to Shizuo that something was indeed wrong again.

"Well then, what does Shizu-chan want to talk about?" Izaya asked, scanning the train so he wouldn´t have to look at the brute´s face.

It was quite full. All seats were taken and a couple of others were standing just like he and Shizu-chan, holding onto the yellow bars.

"Maybe about what you're thinking." The raven frowned at the answer, looking back despite knowing better than to meet Shizuo´s eyes with a glare.

"What?" But the brute wasn´t intimidated by his glare at all.

"I want to know," he stated, letting his hand trail up to one of the higher bars. The left door opened, letting a few more people onto the train.

The raven moved over, leaning against the right, closed, door, having the taller brute in front of him.

Tch.

_Don´t pretend to care._

"Trust me, you don´t want to know what I think," he remarked but that only made the brute frown deeper.

"I do. Tell me what´s going on in your head." The train´s left door closed again before it drove off. Leaning against the right door, Izaya didn´t have to grab anything to keep his balance. A girl next to the two nearly fell over, slightly bumping into Shizuo as there wasn´t much space to stand anymore.

"In the middle of the underground?" Izaya asked, quirking an eyebrow as he glanced towards all the people in here.

Of course, it was midday break, a lot of people wanted either to go home or out to eat or something.

Not that he cared who was listening, these people had better things to do than to listen to their talking anyway.

"The place doesn´t matter. You wouldn´t tell me at home, either." Shizuo frowned, dismissing his argument.

Brute.

"Wow, Shizu-chan got smart." The raven snorted, still not moving an inch.

"Come on, tell me." The doors of the train opened again, on the left side just as before.

"No." The raven spat. He didn´t fucking want to talk with Shizuo about this.

_Especially_ not with him.

"Iza-" suddenly the brute paused, stepping forward as more and more people entered the train. The car was almost full, but there were still people trying to get inside- one of them pushing a stroller, which was taking the last bit of space there was as Shizuo got pushed towards the right door.

Before Izaya knew it the doors were closing again and he found himself being pressed against the door by no one else but Shizu-chan.

Frozen, the raven remained in place, tying not to move too much as he tried to lean away from the brute- but when the train started driving the blond couldn´t keep his balance anymore and his hand slid down to the right door´s window, efficiently trapping the raven.

_Stop_.

The blond frowned a bit since the guy behind him had just pushed him over, but seeing as he had made space for the stroller, he quickly calmed again.

"The hell, why are there so many people," he mumbled, more to himself than to Izaya, but he did kind of expect the flea to spit some remark-

Except he kept quiet.

Very quiet.

The raven swallowed.

Not moving an inch.

_Stop doing that-_

He could feel Shizu-chan pressed up against his entire body.

He was warm unlike Izaya.

Izaya was always cold.

The brute was still glancing around.

_Stop it._

He hated it.

He hated Shizu-chan.

"Oi, move away brute," the raven finally spat, his hand sneaking its way up to Shizuo´s chest, pushing at the blond, except he didn´t budge.

"Well, sorry, but there's no space," the blond replied, and shifted in attempt to make more space, but that only made things so much worse.

"Don´t care. Just move," the raven urged remaining as still as he could.

"Don´t get grumpy now," Shizuo rolled his eyes. "We are almost there anyway."

_I hate you Shizu-chan._

_I hate you._

_I hate you so much._

_Why are you doing this to me?_

The next thirty seconds until the next station seemed to take forever as the raven tried to take his mind of things. To just stop fucking thinking about it.

He hated Shizu-chan.

And he hated his brain for bringing things up he didn´t need it to.

He hated it all.

And suddenly there was that angelic voice, announcing that they arrived at the next station.

Before the door behind the raven had even opened fully, he had already jumped out of it, the blond right behind him, since he was still holding his hand rather tightly.

Without a word, Izaya kept on walking towards his apartment, Shizuo right behind.

He couldn´t wait until he could get rid of this hand holding his own. Or better yet, until he could get rid of Shizuo, laying down on the couch and pretending he didn´t exist. Yeah, that would be awesome, wouldn´t it?

Amnesia, haha. Shizuo should have hit him harder with the vending machine.

"Wait, we are going in there," the blond suddenly stated, making Izaya stop and glance towards the convenience store they were in yesterday.

Without a word he walked towards it. Just as the blond wanted it. The faster they got this over with the faster he would be home again.

The blond frowned at Izaya´s behavior. he just listened obediently- not that Shizuo was mad for that, he appreciated that the raven wasn´t being difficult again, but...

Something was off, even more than before.

"Why are you so quiet?" He questioned as they entered the store. As much as he liked a quiet Izaya, he knew it shouldn´t be that way.

"Shut up." A frown appeared on his face as he looked at the raven.

"Did I say something wrong?" Izaya stopped, turning around finally, only for Shizuo to be glared at as he hissed.

"No, I just hate you and everything that comes out of your mouth, so I would appreciate it if you just shut the fuck up already."

The blond frowned.

What the fuck?

He didn´t understand- what was going on.

He didn´t do anything.

"Why are you mad?" he asked, a little annoyed. He hadn´t done anything wrong this time, had he?

"I´m not mad," the raven stated, pointing towards some shelves. "You gonna buy something now or not?"

The blond frowned, grabbing the ingredients he would need for later.

"Yeah, right," he grumbled annoyed. Shoving everything into one of those easily rip able plastic bags- tearing it.

With a click of his tongue he bent down, picking the shit up again.

Okay, fine, if Izaya was in a pissed mood then Shizuo wouldn´t bother talking to him.

Silence was the only thing that accompanied them on the rest of the way.

Shizuo was too pissed to ask the flea to talk again, and Izaya didn´t seem like he was wanting to say anything, either.

They paid, crossed the street, walked over to Izaya´s apartment complex.

Shizuo walked through the entrance, finally letting go of the raven´s hand as he locked the door from inside.

Almost instantly, the flea scurried over to the couch, sitting down, obviously ignoring the blond´s existence completely.

Tch.

Fucking annoying- he didn´t even know what he did wrong, for fuck´s sake!

If he had done something that would explain the flea´s behavior, then okay! But like this?

"I´m going to shower," he announced, still pissed beyond means.

Merely a shrug followed from the raven- he didn't even turn around to look at the debt collector.

"Go ahead," was all he said. Shizuo frowned.

"I want you to stay in the bathroom so I can keep an eye on you." Like he was just going to leave him alone in a living room where a kitchen with knives was right in his reach. Again, just a shrug as the flea stood up from the couch again.

"Whatever." The blond tried hard not to get mad at the louse as he simply stood up and walked over to the bathroom.

This fucking nonchalant behavior-

"Oi, what the hell did I do? I seriously don´t know!"

...

No answer.

"Oi." But the raven already sat down on the floor, just like Shizuo had done with him. Ignoring him anew.

"Didn´t you want to shower?" That was all he said.

"Tch, forget it." Shizuo has had enough, if that stupid prick didn´t want to talk about whatever the hell he had done wrong, then fine.

He didn´t fucking care.

Annoyed, he walked over to the shower, stripping as he threw his shirt on the floor- not gently.

He didn´t even know what the flea´s problem with him was right now.

Was he still pissed about the library?

Was it about something he said in the train? He stepped into the shower.

The flea had looked like something was wrong. For a second Shizuo even thought he looked somewhat like he did yesterday night.

He didn´t like it. He didn´t want the flea to drown in whatever again. He also wanted to know just what it was that made the flea get like that.

So he asked him to tell him.

Hah, he was stupid to expect an answer.

Ever since then, he had been mad.

Tch, he just wanted to help that stupid flea.

The hot water running down his skin, he glanced at the flea every few seconds. Just making sure he didn´t run away or anything. The door, he had closed behind him when he walked in, so he wouldn´t get tempted to dash off.

...

He didn´t like how Izaya wasn´t facing him at all. It wasn´t like the flea to just avoid him.

It was weird.

Now that he thought about it, he realized how odd it actually was.

The flea was always annoying him, teasing him- but never avoiding him.

Tch...

Just like yesterday.

When he wanted him to go away.

Simply go away.

...

It made him want to see the flea´s expression even more.

What if he looked like he did yesterday again? What if he just wanted to put up a front? A mask? What if that behavior was already a mask for something again?

He could lie so damn well Shizuo doubted he would even notice...

Thinking about that, he hurried up washing his hair, pouring some shampoo in it.

He hated what happened there yesterday. And he had the slight feeling leaving Izaya alone to think about whatever would only make a situation like that approach faster.

...

He paused as he washed his hair, for a second brushing through it just like Izaya had done.

...

Tch.

Why had he done that anyway?

It was obvious he meant to comfort Shizuo with it. For not knowing an answer.

Why, though...

Why had he even been that... affectionate?

Letting the water run over his head he washed down the soap, trying to wash away that picture, too.

He didn´t know why, but it had been bothering him ever since.

Turning off the water, he stepped out of the shower, water dripping off the tips of his hair.

He couldn´t even grab a towel before he spotted the raven getting up from the floor.

"I will make some tea," he announced, walking out of the bathroom.

The blond frowned, not saying anything, though, as he stepped into the bedroom, letting his eyes follow the raven as he walked into the kitchen.

He didn't take his eyes off him for a second as he quickly pulled on some trousers and a shirt from the bag Celty had brought him.

The flea only did as he had said, though. Got a teakettle and filled it with water as he opened a cupboard to get the tea.

A towel resting around his shoulders, he walked down to the raven, taking his place at the counter.

"Why are you mad? Can you tell me?" This wasn´t funny anymore.

The flea still wasn´t facing him. Just looking at that tea bag.

His hand did freeze for a second, though, as he was about to get a cup off of a shelf.

"... I´m not mad." The answer sounded hesitant but honest, actually, as Shizuo received it.

"Then what´s wrong?"

"Forget it, okay? Just leave me alone."

... Izaya still wasn´t facing him. It seriously drove him insane.

"Bet Karisawa is squealing by now." The blond blinked at the sudden topic change.

"... Huh?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued cx
> 
> See you in~ chapter 21: Mental breakdown
> 
> Despite the name- you won´t expect that twist ohohohoohoo~ xD Ah this will be awesome- Can´t wait to write it xDDDD
> 
> See you next sunday~! *-*-*-*


	21. ஜ Mental breakdown ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo~ (ﾉಠヮಠ)ﾉ:･ﾟ.*
> 
> ARE YOU READY TO FREAK OUT?! *0*0*0*0*
> 
> NO!? THEN GET PREPARED! XDDDD
> 
> Welcome to chapter 21 *^* This one is loaded with feelings ohohohoho~ AND LONGER *0* by 1000 words xD
> 
> Attention though, there is also a long author´s note at the end xD Need some help there xD 
> 
> Thank you for correcting Soylent Ramen! *-*
> 
> Enjoy~! (ﾉಠヮಠ)ﾉ:･ﾟ.*

  


* * *

**-Shizuo´s point of view-**

"Karisawa. I bet she is going crazy about today by now," the raven repeated, still focusing on his task of making tea.

The blond blinked, not knowing what the flea was getting on about now.

"Erika? How so?" The raven snorted, still not facing the blond though.

"Didn´t you hear them at the library? I bet she thinks we are a couple because of this stupid hand holding of yours." That tea bag sure must be interesting. He still wasn´t even sparing him a single glance. It really annoyed him.

What Izaya said made him raise a brow though.

"A couple?" Now that he thought about it, that girl had said something about knowing they were together all along or something, did she mean it _that_ way?

How absurd, he and the flea?

Well then again... "We might as well be from the creepy way we behave," he mumbled. Even he could see what Izaya was pointing at. They had been holding hands and not fighting, sure must have seemed suspicious.

The raven had gone quiet again.

Seriously.

By now all that anger that had pent up on their way home and in the shower had turned to straight out worry. He just wasn´t facing him anymore, and Shizuo couldn't chase away the feeling that he was trying to hide something, or hide from him, or ah- fuck, he didn´t even know how the flea´s brain worked-

"Don´t you mind them thinking that kind of thing?"

...

The question had thrown him off a little- Mind? That Erika thought they were a couple?

The blond thought about it. Actually, it really had to look like that to everyone they met on the streets. He was keeping Izaya close the whole time, after all.

But then again, if he had to choose between keeping Izaya close to him like this and letting him run around just so he could slip out of his reach and...

A short image flashed through his mind, picturing a very real and _dead_ Izaya- making his stomach do a back flip.

He knew _exactly_ what Izaya would do if he didn´t keep him close like this. Again, he scanned the kitchen and leaned over a bit, seeing if the flea really was only preparing tea there.

To his relief, there really was only a pot and hot water. Fuck- he didn´t want that to happen.

Like, seriously. The imagination of Izaya being actually _dead_ made his stomach churn.

It wasn´t funny. He would be gone- completely.

"I don´t care. It's not like I have a lover who would get jealous." If he had to decide between holding hands and leaving Izaya alone again- he preferred option one.

The raven paused, having just been about to put one of the teabags into the cup.

...

"Haha, so you wouldn´t care if I spread some rumors about that being true? Just for fun?" he asked, still not looking at the brute, whose existence he was trying to ignore.

Shizuo just sat there, blinking. If he stirred rumors?

"You know I won´t let you go on a computer or talk to anyone without me there," he started. "But yeah, I wouldn´t care." When would that flea finally decide to turn around and face him?

He was waiting for it, but he really seemed like he was avoiding him on purpose.

Made him want to go over and make that stupid louse look at him.

Wordlessly, the raven dropped the teabag in his cup. The teakettle was nearly ready, steam beginning to stream from the spout.

"Oh, really?" The words were almost whispered, so quietly they left his lips. Really now, if Izaya didn´t face him soon, then-

"You wouldn´t mind everyone thinking that we fuck, either?"

Coughing made the raven glance over his shoulder.

_What?_

Shizuo had choked on air when the raven asked that-

Something akin to a snort escaped the raven´s lips as he turned back to the cup.

"Well, that´s what they'll think. Just saying."

The blond just sat there staring for a while.

He was kinda stupefied by the image of him fucking Izaya. What were those people even imagining?

No, what was the _flea_ even thinking? Was he trying to throw him off or something? Was he testing him? Because 99% of the time he sure felt as if Izaya was just treating him like a test subject with his questions.

At least he had turned around for a second.

He wasn´t crying, at least, or looking that way- not that he thought he was, but he just didn´t know what to imagine the flea´s expression to be like at the moment.

Before, he had been pissed as fuck.

Then he got quiet, and now he was talking as usual.

Something was still off, though.

He sighed, the bag from their little shopping trip before was still lying on top of the counter where he had left it.

He seriously needed a cigarette now. After the flea was done with his tea and had left the kitchen, he would walk up to the bedroom and get his lighter to light one.

"Unlike you, I don´t care what people think about me, Izaya," he repeated, emphasizing what he had already said before. He doubted that they would think of those things- but oh well. Even if they did- "They can think whatever they want."

Another snort followed. What was funny about that?

"I don´t believe you." Shizuo frowned, but merely shrugged.

"Your problem." It wasn´t like he had to convince the raven of anything-

Wait.

Was that maybe why the flea had been so mad? Because of the hand holding?

But he had done that all day long- so that couldn´t be it.

He only got mad at him when they entered the underground train.

Tch- no matter from what perspective he viewed this, he just couldn´t make sense of the flea´s mood swings.

Clattering was to be heard and Shizuo snapped his head up to see a silver spoon land in the sink. Rather violently-

"Alright then, let´s be lovers, if you don´t give a shit about anything." The blond quirked an eyebrow. Izaya sounded pissed, really pissed- it was obvious that was joking, but why was he so angry?

Tch- it fucking annoyed him, what did he do wrong?!

Why didn´t Izaya just tell him what the fuck he was so mad about?

If the flea was going to be annoying and irrational, then he would be, too-!

"Sure, why not?" he replied sarcastic- now he was just saying what he believed to be the opposite of what Izaya expected to hear.

The raven´s eyes widened at that response-

He turned around, facing the blond, only to meet his angry and obviously annoyed expression as he looked out of the window.

Annoyed hah-

Of course.

What else?

...

How dare he?

How dare he say something like that? How dare he joke around like that!

_Sure_ , huh? Like he didn´t give a flying fuck- it pissed him off!

It pissed him off how carefree that brute could spout something like this, something that Izaya would never have but that was very well within the brute´s damn reach-!

That fucking monster didn´t even deserve it!

"Shizu-chan." The blond sighed, whipping his head back, expecting to see the flea´s back again, to retort yet something new again- only to be surprised by something else-

The raven moved way too fast for him to react. Not away from him however- no-

Towards him- Shizuo leant back in surprise, almost losing his balance as the raven´s face hovered right above the blonds- their lips barely apart from touching.

Their eyes were locked, and for a split second, Shizuo thought the flea was going to fucking kiss him- but no-

He merely hovered above his lips for a few seconds, their eyes locked- Shizuo´s filled with surprise and Izaya's with malice-

"You shouldn´t say such things too lightly, ne~?" he suddenly whispered, his breath ghosting over the blond´s lips as he did. "What if I took you seriously?"

Shizuo didn´t say anything for a second, he just remained frozen, not really able to even come up with a reply or comprehend what the flea was doing- or rather, not doing.

A grin flashed over the raven´s face and he leaned away again, turning around to the teapot that was now whistling- ending the little scene as quickly as he started it.

That should have been it.

He had already braced himself, expecting the blond to unfreeze in a second and beat the shit out of him out of pure disgust. That had been his goal, after all. Shizuo hated him; having his enemy nearly kiss him would surely knock him out of whatever trip he was on.

It would act as a reminder of his hatred for him.

He wouldn´t mind a few more bruises; hell, maybe he would finish him off right away.

Anything was better than having the brute this close.

Too close.

"Well, not that it matters. Thankfully, you are talking nonsense to a person who actually has enough brain cells to comprehend the humor of it," he declared, lifting the teakettle to pour the water into the teacup before a sudden sound filled his ears.

Screeching- and a thud- it sounded like the chair- the raven only managed to turn around in time to see Shizu-chan grab his shoulder and push him against the fridge- The teakettle fell down to the floor- boiling water splashing onto the tiles-

The raven squeezed his eyes shut- expecting to be hit- hard, in the face probably for what he did.

For getting too close to the blond, or something- but then he felt something different.

A brush, so soft he could have mistaken it for his imagination, and he opened his eyes.

The blond was still in front of him.

One hand on his shoulder.

The other leaning on the fridge so he couldn´t escape.

And his face- way too close.

His lips hovering just above his, even closer than before- almost touching-

_***DING DONG*** _

...

...

The bell.

_***DING DONG*** _

...

Someone was ringing at the door.

Only very, very slowly, that fact became clear in Izaya´s mind as he stared at the brute in front of him.

He wasn´t moving.

...

Neither of them moved, actually.

They just stared at each other. Frozen in place. Izaya blankly and Shizuo with an unreadable expression.

_***DING DONG*** _

"Tch-" After what felt like an eternity, the blond turned his head- the closeness breaking as he looked towards the door. Izaya released the breath he hadn´t realized he had been holding-

His stare was still fixed on the blond as he turned around-

Annoyed. The unreadable expression turned into one he knew only too well, and the brute stepped away- towards the door.

With an angry face, he slammed the door open, scaring the poor mailman in front of it.

"WHAT?!" The bark was so loud it even made Izaya flinch. He could see the poor man.

Intimidated, the guy paled, handing out a small package with trembling hands. "This... For this address uh… I-I need a signature."

Irritated, Shizuo grabbed the package, throwing it into the living room as he grabbed the pencil, violently signing the paper.

"There-" The guy bowed and quickly backed away, running down the hall as Shizuo slammed the door shut.

Shizuo was pissed. Pissed beyond means-

Why?

...

Because that guy interrupted... Something.

Fuck, he didn´t even know!

He hated the flea.

"Izaya-" He turned around, but the flea had already left the kitchen - a sense of dread filled him on not immediately finding the raven- but he spotted him on the stairs instead, walking upstairs. Almost instantly, his eyes trailed to both his hands, checking for anything he could be taking with him, but they were just hanging down his body, not holding anything dangerous.

Shizuo was about to follow the raven but said man quickly spoke up-

Not turning around.

"I´m showering- I will be back in 10 minutes." It sounded hurried, like he didn´t want to be downstairs even a second longer- and angry.

...

Fuck-

He couldn´t say he didn´t understand that-

His head was already hurting from all the thoughts that were racing through his head all at once now as the raven disappeared in the bathroom.

_What did I even want to do?_

Izaya had looked like a deer caught in headlights.

Shizuo ruffled through his hair, trying to get all those confusing thoughts out of his mind-

He paused.

His own action only reminded him again of something that he just couldn't get out of his mind.

The way Izaya had ruffled through it yesterday...

It was almost like he wanted to assure him that it´s okay.

That it´s okay that he can´t help him.

No one had ever shown him any true concern like that. It was actually like Izaya cared about his feelings, even though his own were a mess like that.

He wondered what the raven thought at that moment.

_Fuck_

This was so messed up.

He was hung up on this moment and he didn´t know why.

The raven had teased him before, and his brain had just shut off at that.

He just... didn´t even know what he had been about to do just now.

**-Izaya´s point of view-**

_What..._

Just..

The door closed behind the raven with a soft click as he leaned against it. He couldn´t think right now.

Seriously couldn´t, everything was just so jumbled up- it was a mess.

What was that even?!

Just what-

He shook his head annoyed, trying to shake all those thoughts out of his head as he basically threw off his clothes. The shirt, the pants, the belt, everything dropping on his way to the shower until he was under it.

One twist right one twist up- the water ran down his head as he ducked under. Ice cold, but he didn´t care right now-

Fuck.

What did Shizu-chan even do?

What did he himself do? Why did Shizu-chan do what he did?!

Just, what the hell happened just now?!

He shook his head, ducking under, trying to just quit it.

Stop thinking about it.

He couldn't make sense of it.

It pissed him off.

He wanted to get the brute away from him, and what happened?

Shampoo was poured into his palm, the cap snapping closed as he smeared it into his hair. Trying to concentrate on nothing but showering for a moment.

He couldn´t sort his thoughts-

Just what... What did Shizu-chan think he was doing?

What did he do- for a second... just a second. He really though the blond might _kiss_ him.

He froze for a second as the thought suddenly took shape in his mind.

It really... almost looked like he was about to-

As if- no. He had to be wrong. And even if it was-

It must have been payback for him being so disgustingly close before but... for a second...

But why?

Why would he do that?

It was one thing for Izaya to do that. He had gotten pissed; he wanted to disgust him, actually... but why did that brute…? He had acted that way because he wanted the brute to shy away from him, to get disgusted so he wouldn´t be all touchy-feely and talk nonsense like that, and...

But why him?!

Why?!

Tch. This fucking brute- always messing everything up and destroying.

He hasn´t had... he wasn´t supposed to feel this way anymore.

Tch, he hated Shizu-chan, he hated him for being this way, for stirring him up completely with his actions.

He hated it.

Why did he do that?!

Why?

He didn´t fucking care even the slightest about him!

That´s right, he didn´t care.

He hated him. Whatever this was, it wasn´t because he felt any sympathy towards him.

He hated him.

A soft shiver trailed down his spine as he let his forehead lean against the cold shower wall. Softly, slowly the water turned warmer, running down his skin.

He hadn´t even realized he had started to shiver.

Shizuo had hated him since the first second he saw him in Raira.

He told him right away that he pissed him off.

They had seriously tried to kill each other over the years.

Shizuo didn´t harbor a shred of good feelings towards Izaya.

Izaya knew that. Izaya had always known that, it was a fact he had had to come to terms with.

But he _had_ never come to terms with that fact. Because he knew what he could change and what he could not.

He hated the brute for it.

He hated him so much.

His right hand balled into a fist and he raised it just to punch the shower wall half-heartedly.

He hated him.

He hated him...

"I _hate_ you, Shizu-chan, you god-damn asshole."

Slowly but surely, the raven let himself slide down the wall, water running down his frame as it poured down on him.

"I hate you for doing this to me." His eyes were closed, his lips in a tight line.

He hated him for this, he really did. And he hated himself. His brain or whatever, that caused him to not be able to control his own feelings.

Just why?

Why?

Why was he even forced to deal with this mess?

Why couldn´t he just stop thinking?

What good did this do to him?

He always only got hurt.

Always.

He was sick of feeling all these different kinds of pain. How in hell did he deserve this?

How?

He hadn´t even done anything wrong-

From the first second on, everything was decided anyway.

_"This is Orihara Izaya, he is a nice guy... actually I take that back, he is kind of an asshole."_

It had been Shinra´s words hadn´t it? Should he be mad at him for putting it that way?

He had only been speaking the truth, though.

_"You piss me off."_

Heh... he could still remember it, that glare. Hah, he hated him from the first second he saw him-

How great.

He hated him.

He hated him so much-

He hated him, he did all of that on purpose, of course. All those things that got him into trouble.

Because he hated him.

Always causing him pain.

Nothing but pain.

He hated him.

He hated loving him.

He hated how he couldn´t stop caring for this stupid protozoan.

Even if he stepped away even if he tried to ignore him.

Heh... Just like the day before yesterday...

What had he been doing again? Was he out for a job? Haha... He didn´t even remember.

He just remembered the way he had felt again.

Miserable.

That lump had been a constant in his throat as he had wandered through the streets of Ikebukuro. He was on his way home, actually, but somehow he hoped he would bump into Shizu-chan.

Shizu-chan always managed to get his mind of things.

He had to be alert around him, adrenaline was always flowing through his veins whenever the blond chased him.

He always chased him. He had no other choice but to chase him.

He always did, because he hated him so much, and Izaya would make sure that that hatred never ceased.

All the things he did, he believed there was no way Shizu-chan could ever forgive him or call it quits. He always thought of new things to add, hurting someone around him or getting him into trouble.

Always.

He was supposed to be there.

Just there.

He didn´t care what the brute was thinking or saying or doing as long as he was there...

A constant in his life. Shizu-chan was never supposed to disappear.

_"I´m done playing your games, Izaya."_

Aha... yeah... those had been his words.

They had hit him in the face like a brick.

_"...what?"_

He didn´t believe his ears at that time, because why would he? There was no way Shizu-chan would suddenly be peaceful and stop right? He hadn´t planned that.

This wasn´t what was supposed to happen.

And yet it did. He thought he had misheard, he still felt that hole in his chest whenever he thought about how he said it.

_"I´m done. I´m not chasing you anymore. Bye."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of chapter 21 C:
> 
> Hehehehe~ If you think now that this was all- then you are so wrong xDDD
> 
> ohhhhhh next time imma make some of my readers cry xD But of course not without making up for it in 23~! xDD awwww
> 
> You will love it xD I hope O-O xD DRAMA YES xDDDD
> 
> See you next sunday~! (ﾉಠヮಠ)ﾉ
> 
> AND NOW PLEASE READ  
> xDDD
> 
> I need help x'D 
> 
> I have a lil SURPRISE planned for you guys Cx *-* xD You are just so lovely and sweet and awwww ;/; you always make me so happy, so I wanna give you more than just chappies *0* xD actually someone else made me get this idea hehe cx Thank chu friendy ;/;
> 
> As you may know, I love drawing xD my profile pic for example is drawn by me
> 
> Now I bet chu are curious as to what that surprise is-
> 
> DRAWINGS *0* xD But not any drawings~! I´m planning, starting the end of June, when the exams are over, to draw pictures for each chapter I wrote in Twtd and my other stories *^*
> 
> One picture for each chapter cx like a cover xD Once I get one done I will post it on AO3- once I figured out how to actually post pictures there that is- xD That´s where I need help xD Anyone who knows how that works is warmly welcomed to explain to stupid lil old me xD Cuz I don´t get it to be honest xD
> 
> As a starter, once I figured this shit out, I will post everything else I drew from shizaya, you know, the random stuffs xD like my profile pic, shizaya fucking, Izaya crying etc. And in July I will start with Twtd chapter 1- cx just cuz I love this story so much xD Eventually I plan to make a picture for every chapter I ever wrote C: YES also for Iwtswyf chapter 19 or What happened Izaya?! and everything else x'D If I´m fast then chu should get something somewhere in July C:
> 
> And now I apologize for the long author's note that made you think the chappy is longer than it really is xDDDDD
> 
> I love chu guys cx See you next sunday *0*0* xD
> 
> PS.: I´m really really sorry, but - I was simply too nervous this weekend to finish the other updates yet ;A; I got an important huge exam tomorrow and I´m kinda way too nervous xD I will give my best to finish at least one more update today but... ;^; I doubt I will get it done in time :'C Gomenasai
> 
> sotd 6, bcd 5 and Ne 6 will be coming out somewhere along the next week :'C Maybe only on sunday xc
> 
> sowwwyyyyy for the delayyy T-T
> 
> I hope chu still liked this chappy at least C':


	22. ஜ Monster ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo~ (ﾉಠヮಠ)ﾉ:･ﾟ.*
> 
> Welcome to chapter 22 *^* If you thought last chapter was already heart tugging, well then BE PREPARED- *0*0*0*0*-! xDD This chappy is going to be a flash back- or to put it into better words, it´s an attempt to clear a little up on what exactly is going on in Izaya´s head at the moment or rather, the whole time C:
> 
> Well then~
> 
> Thank you for correcting Soylent Ramen! *0*
> 
> Enjoy~! (ﾉಠヮಠ)ﾉ:･ﾟ.*

  
**-Izaya´s point of view. Two days before.-**

He left.

He had turned around and gone away. Shizu-chan just left. Just like that.

It was cold- his body was trembling as he just stood there. Rain was falling again; this week it seemed rain was the only weather the sky was able to provide.

He was cold and soaked to the bone.

Yet he hadn´t moved from the spot he was standing in since Shizu-chan had left.

Not even an inch.

His mind was still stuck on the image of Shizu-chan walking away.

_"I´m done playing your games, Izaya."_

Those were his exact words.

He taunted him, laid a trap so he would get run over by a truck again.

It never happened- because he didn't chase him this time.

Did that really happen?

He had to be dreaming, right?

He had done so many things- he had gotten the blond fired and hurt his friends- he kept causing evil schemes, he kept getting Kasuka in trouble if needed, he even let someone shoot Shizuo.

He had to hate him, detest him, there was just no way he would just _stop_.

This was a dream.

It had to be.

"Yeah, a dream..." he found himself mumbling. His breath leaving his mouth in the form of a slightly visible little puff of steam.

That had to be it. Haha, what a nightmare, he should be waking up soon, shouldn´t he?

Face expressionless, he turned around, checking his phone. It was glowing in the now dark night, the numbers on the clock shining brightly.

Ah, it was late. He should go home now, right?

Maybe he would wake up along the way.

Right.

That had to be it.

His legs felt heavy as he put one step before the other. The lump in his throat from before had only gotten worse and he felt a headache approaching.

Dread was accompanying him as he walked home, step after step.

His pants were already clinging to his legs, completely soaked from mindlessly walking through puddles. A couple of water drops collected in Izaya bangs, dropping down on his nose with each step he took.

"It´s alright. There is no way he would have said that- or been serious."

Whispers left his lips. Quiet ones, no one would have heard them except himself. They weren´t meant for anyone else.

Over and over again- revolving around the same topic.

_It couldn´t be._

There was just no way. Shizuo was a monster, unpredictable yes, but there was no way he would be able to restrain his anger towards Izaya.

Haha, it was a dream for sure.

He had just set up another game, one that would make the brute so mad at him. He guessed everything should work out fine. Maybe it was just a mistake? Maybe Shizu-chan changed his mind?

Of course, he must have realized how stupid it was what he said.

As if he could just forgive him or ignore him. He must be raging by now on missing out on the chance of beating him up. Or better trying to, since he never actually got him.

How long had he been standing there?

Shizu-chan had to detest him so much right now. He must be steaming with anger.

Maybe he was on his way to his apartment?

His steps sped up noticeably.

He had to hurry or else he wouldn´t be there once he visited his apartment.

"Wow, so you do happen to come back to your office at least a few times."

A blink... then another followed-

How had he reached the apartment so quickly?

He was panting. He was, wasn´t he?

Had he been running all the way? Heh, he didn´t notice. Why had he been running, even? Shizu-chan would search for him anyway.

A grin placed itself on his lips as he recalled his secretary´s snappy remark. She was sitting at her desk as usual, the only light in the room coming from a tiny lamp that shone next to her.

"Well, I´m a busy man, Namie~" he retorted, hanging his favorite coat onto the hook next to the door. The water that dropped down on the floor where it was conveniently ignored.

He didn´t care right now. And in a bit, he would have to run away again anyway, right?

"You look like shit." The raven frowned at that comment. Stupid woman. What did she know?

"Well, thank you, you aren´t the most attractive, either." He didn´t need any stupid comments about his looks from that woman.

He knew very well what he looked like. A snort was heard from Namie and she leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms arrogantly.

"Such a pissy mood. Is the rumor true?" The raven paused, refraining from sitting down on the couch as he glanced towards the secretary.

_Rumor?_

The way she smiled definitely didn´t mean anything good for him. She always only smiled when something was not going according to Izaya´s plans. A frown crossed his expression.

"What are you talking about?"

"Your little monster," she crooned, obviously enjoying the attention. "He decided to stop destroying the city for you, didn´t he? It´s all over the chat room. Apparently, someone saw it and posted it right away."

...

High pitched laughter ruled the room for a second as Namie eyed her boss.

"That face-! So it´s true, really, priceless, not even those who hate you want to deal with you anymore, not to mention those that you like to call your _friends_!"

...

_Shizu-chan...?_

"Ne, tell me, how was it to eat hot pot all alone while they were having a party at your supposedly _best friend's_ place?"

Shizu-chan really had said that.

So it wasn´t a dream.

"Being you really has to suck."

"Out."

The secretary blinked for a second, caught by surprise.

"What?" she repeated, her eyes narrowing, still obviously amused, though.

"Get out," the raven hissed, pointing to the door as he made his way over.

Laughing, Namie got up from her chair, collecting her things. Not that she minded going home early- that way she could spend more time with Seiji, after all.

"Awww, are you pissed now?"

_***SWISH*** _

She froze, a slight sting scratching her cheek as she stared at the informant in front of her.

Only slowly, she turned around to see the knife sticking in the seat behind her. Slowly she touched her right cheek, a frown appearing on her face as her expression turned to a stoic one and she glared at her boss.

Red was smearing along her fingertips.

"Get out." No more had to be said. Wordlessly, she grabbed her things and walked away from the desk, her heels clacking against the floor rhythmically as she passed the raven.

"I expect some money for today, you know. I did way too much work to not get paid," she remarked coldly, her hand reaching for the doorknob as she twisted it.

"You will get your fucking money, now get out." It was the last thing Izaya was willing to say, but she didn´t need any further information anyway.

"Bye."

And with that, the door closed. For a few more seconds, the clacking of her heels could be heard as she walked away from the apartment and then it was quiet.

...

So quiet.

Wordlessly, Izaya reached for one of his couple phones, snapping it open. The light illuminated his face as he opened the chat room.

White reflected in his eyes as he scanned the last conversation on it.

**-Saika entered the chatroom-**

_**Saika:** _ _Hello everyone._

_**Saika:** _ _I just saw something really strange..._

_**Taro Tanaka:** _ _Strange?_

_**Setton:** _ _What did you see?_

_**Saika:** _ _It was Shizuo Heiwajima and Izaya Orihara._

_**Taro Tanaka:** _ _Were they fighting again?_

_**Byakura:** _ _I bet they were- just last time, I saw Shizuo fling a guy all across the sunshine street!_

_**Saika:** _ _But that´s what´s so strange. They weren´t fighting-_

_**Setton:** _ _They weren´t?_

_**Taro Tanaka:** _ _What were they doing?_

_**Saika:** _ _I think... Shizuo-san said that he was done fighting Izaya._

_**...** _

_**...** _

_**Setton:** _ _Really?!_

_**Byakuya:** _ _Woah, seriously?!_

_**Taro Tanaka:** _ _How did Izaya react?_

_**Saika:** _ _Izaya? I don´t know-_

_**Byakura:** _ _Who_ _cares about that asshole- he finally did it!_

_**Setton:** _ _I´m proud of Shizuo!_

_***CRASH*** _

Tiny metal pieces flew apart covering the floor in broken pieces as the light of the phone diminished.

Where had he gone wrong?!

Where?!

What did he mess up?!

He had planned everything, this wasn´t supposed to happen!

_"I´m done playing your games."_

A hand found its way to his forehead and for a second he just stared in front of him.

It was true.

That really happened.

_***Drip drop*** _

And suddenly they were there.

Running down his cheeks.

_***Drips drop*** _

He hadn´t planned for this.

Tears rolled down his cheeks slowly, collecting at his chin before falling to the floor.

No, no, no, no, no, no...

This wasn´t supposed to happen-!

"Ahaha, why should I care?" His legs moved.

Carried him over to his desk before slumping down in his favorite swivel chair.

"I've got work to do. Really, that monster only pissed me off, anyway."

He only pissed him off, that´s right.

After all, he hated that dumb amoeba.

He still had so much important work to do.

Emotionless, he opened a few tabs, documents, information that he gathered on other cases to connect them to his jobs somehow.

Document after document he opened, only finding the writing to be hard to read.

Blurriness was taking over his sight and he violently rubbed at his eyes, trying to focus on the text.

Work.

He had to work.

But the letters kept dancing and swimming into each other with every word he tried to read.

He tried to read, he rubbed at his eyes-

But the tears just didn´t fucking stop-

He couldn´t even read a goddamn sentence!

_***CRASH*** _

His chest heaved as he got up, anger reflecting in his teary eyes as he glared at the poor keyboard on the floor as if it were its fault.

Right.

He didn´t have to work right now.

He could just do something else.

He didn´t care.

But that´s when he realized what he was even doing.

Who was he even trying to kid?

He was standing all alone in his apartment.

Crying.

Over something that he supposedly didn't care about at all.

His lips curled into a familiar grin as he faced the window of his apartment. It started off as a slight chuckle, but soon developed into hysterical laughter.

"What am I even doing?" His hands were shaking, he tried to calm himself by crossing them in front of his body, but it didn´t help much.

"Nothing happened, nothing important. Everything is just going smoothly, just as I expected it to, isn´t it? Shiki got his information. Soon, there should be some havoc in this city again- interesting isn´t it?"

He tried to convince himself.

It would be awesome.

It really would be.

"It will, for sure."

So why, why wasn´t he even looking forward to it? Why was he indifferent?

Why was he still feeling as usual?

Why did he not enjoy his games anymore?

_"I´m done playing your games."_

"FUCK YOU!" the arms unlocked from their crossed state and he balled his hands to fists next to his body.

Feeling like punching something really hard, but he refrained from falling into such a beastly behavior. That was something the brute would do.

Hah, yeah, Shizu-chan.

That beast.

"I hate you-! I don´t feel anything, you hear me?! So you walk away, huh? You are done with playing? Well sorry to break it to you, but I am done, too." Right.

Who said he even wanted to play these games? It was getting boring, wasn´t it? Shizu-chan never managed to get him anyway, so what was the point of playing?

"Was just the right moment, I was thinking of dropping this shit anyway," he laughed. Really now. Why was he even so worked up over this? Nothing important happened.

"Don´t worry, I won´t come into Ikebukuro anymore..."

...

But then he paused... upon hearing his own words.

...

That´s right.

He wouldn´t go to Ikebukuro anymore. Why even.

...

Why would he.

...

There had always only been one reason to go there-

_"Hello, Shizu-chan~"_

_"How often have I told you not to come to Ikebukuro, huh?!"_

Stop.

He didn´t even know when he had grabbed the blade from his coat. Had he walked over? Run?

Was it already on his desk?

The next thing he knew was just that familiar feeling of skin tearing.

Violently, old scars being painted over with new lines of red as he just slashed away at it.

To be honest, he didn´t even seriously know why he was doing it at that moment.

Why even?

Frustration? Pain? Anger? Anger at whom? Shizu-chan? Himself?

He didn´t know. If you had asked him he wouldn´t have known it himself.

All he knew was that he couldn´t bear his thoughts anymore. He couldn´t deal with this mess of feelings anymore.

He couldn´t lie to himself, despite wishing to. He couldn´t ignore it, despite wanting nothing else.

It stung, burnt.

He cut again and again.

It was hurting- it really was.

But why was it hurting more inside?

_"I´m done playing your games, Izaya."_

Slash after slash he cut across his arm, the sentence haunting him as if it were a threat of life and death.

Cut.

_***drip drop*** _

Again and again it repeated.

_"I´m done playing your games-"_

_Cut._

_"I´m done playing-"_

_***drip*** _

_"I´m done-"_

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Clattering resounded in the quiet room- violently loud as the blade clattered across the floor.

Stains of bloody drops painted the ground as Izaya covered his ears.

He knew there was nothing to hear.

He knew it.

But it wouldn´t stop repeating.

It was just a natural reaction. Maybe a hallucination. He couldn´t tell them apart anymore.

Sleep had been something that only rarely came to him and his state in general wasn't one he would call healthy.

But no matter what it was. The sentence kept repeating nonetheless.

_"I´m doing playing your games, Izaya."_

"I HATE YOU!" he barked, the palms still covering his ears.

"YOU HEAR ME? I HATE YOU, SHIZU-CHAN!" The hands fell down, grabbing a random file that was resting on the table.

"YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT TO JUST STOP!" Paper scattered across the floor as he threw the file to the ground.

"WHO ALLOWED YOU TO JUST STOP, HUH?!" He wasn´t allowed to.

"YOU ARE A FUCKING MONSTER!" Always had been.

_***thud*** _

Hard, his knees touched the floor as he let himself slump down to the ground- surrounded by papers and sprinkles of blood.

He was a monster.

A glance to his left arm calmed him bit.

... he didn´t even notice.

But it was true-

That´s right, he hated Shizu-chan.

He hated him from the depth of his heart.

It would be a good reminder when he woke up tomorrow.

...

Tomorrow...

...

What was he going to do tomorrow?

... Annoy Shizu-chan?

But he didn´t care anymore.

The yakuza?

He didn´t give a fuck about them.

Nor about anyone else in this city.

What was he going to do?

Sit in his apartment?

Search for information?

What for?

It wasn´t fun anymore.

He had only done it for the fun, for the way he could plot schemes to annoy that brute.

...

What would he do?

Nothing.

There wasn´t anything, was there?

What was he working toward? Being a god?

Hah...

He wasn´ t, was he?

Who did he even want to control?

Those stupid high school kids?

Random people?

_What for_?

A headache assaulted his senses as his eyes narrowed to slits.

Wobbly, he got up on his feet. He was shaking entirely, but no particular thought was wasted on that fact.

There was a cupboard right next to his computer. A little drawer was opened- a white bottle catching his attention.

Headache pills.

He took one and swallowed it down without water, cringing shortly at the bitter taste in left on his tongue.

...

What would he do?

Tomorrow that is.

...

He eyed the bottle in his hands.

Ahaha... there it was again.

That feeling- it sure hadn´t taken long to catch up with him.

That worthlessness...

Actually, he didn´t matter, did he?

If anything, he would be doing everyone a favor.

_"I´m done playing your games."_

Would he do Shizu-chan a favor?

...

Probably...

The thought stung.

His head was hurting so much.

Another pill found its way into his palm and then his mouth.

...

What did it matter?

It wasn't like he wanted to wake up feeling this way anymore.

That´s right...

If he just fell asleep-

...

His sight fell on the drawer´s content.

There were many more medical pills than just those for headaches.

Sleeping pills, painkillers, cough tablets and many more.

...

Just not waking up anymore, right?

A sense of calmness washed over the raven as he reached out towards the medical supplies.

He felt really calm, actually.

His thoughts calmed down.

What did anything matter?

If he didn´t wake up anymore?

Nothing would anymore.

He was tired.

Very, very tired.

Pill after pill disappeared between his lips.

One, two, three-

He still felt calm.

So unbelievably calm.

Calm enough to simply put his coat back on as he walked out of his apartment´s door.

It was wet.

Who cared?

Step after step, his feet carried him in a single direction.

Ikebukuro.

He found himself forgetting about what Shizuo said.

He found himself starting to not care.

Another thought replacing his mind entirely.

... maybe, maybe he would see him one more time.

_... crap..._

People were passing him, they began to look more and more like blurry puppets.

His eyes were losing focus.

How long had he been walking?

He didn´t know.

Time was something that had slipped out of his perception.

He turned into an alley, the world starting to tilt.

And then it was fine.

Dark.

Calm.

In his apartment the drawer was still open.

The caps of the bottles gone.

The bottles- empty.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of chapter 22
> 
> I hope this cleared up for everyone what exactly is/was going on in Izaya's head C: approximately- by now you may want to re-read this whole thing because things will all of a sudden make so much more sense xDDDD perhaps xD
> 
> And next time I will continue in the present again as well xD so hey~ cx C: DRAMA APPROACHING
> 
> And as mentioned above, I made a "story" on AO3 where I tagged all the shizaya pics I drew so far C: You just gotta google "AO3 ShirohimeShizaya" and I should be the first result xD the "story" story pictures & stuff C; C: is the one with the pictures in it and where I will update any pictures I am going to make for you C:
> 
> See you next sunday *0*0*0*
> 
> PS.: "Bcd 5" will definitely come out today- "Sotd 6"... yaaahhh I think too xD
> 
> About "No escape 6" I think I will be too slow for that one ;-; I´m so sorry for the long delay- TATATATAT If not today then I will get it done by tomorrow!


	23. Author´s Note

**SOWY**

**THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER -bows- but the next chappy will be coming out on sunday for sure C: Nuh worries~**

**This is just a little author´s note thingy that was too fucking long to tag in an actual note- xD Some questions of a reader made me think I should explain some things to you all, sooooooooo here I am cx**

**EXPLANATION TIME *0***

_Reader: "If you don't kind my asking, how do you know so much about this stuff?(... )But why write about this stuff in the first place? (...)Who wants to hear it? The triggering bits I mean(...) Why so... Graphic? I feel like you're dabbling in a subject that (again just the triggering bloody chapters) most people can have a good enough image without viewing so graphically.  
Been meaning to ask that for a while."_

A reader has asked me these questions and after thinking about it for a while I figured I would give an explanation why I am writing a story this, well- with this kind of topic and graphicness. C: Some of you may already know since I told a few of you already I guess, but I felt some explanation would be necessary since there are surely more people that wondered about this that didn´t ask yet C:

There are actually three reasons I'm writing this for:

**1: for my readers who are suffering from depression or worse**

**2: for those who never were depressed**

**3: myself**

Let´s start with the last one. I started writing this story because I once found myself in a situation like Izaya´s- not loving Shizuo of course but you know what I mean. (Before anyone worries, I am back to my former happy chappy self since a few months now xD) That was about two years ago, some of my readers may have noticed how I didn´t update anymore for like a couple months and stuff at that time and I was neglecting lots of other things too. That´s when I once stumbled over a little helping list- actually similar to what Shizuo found in my story. I didn´t try going to the library xD But another suggestion that said: _Write your feelings down._ My first thoughts were literally:"This sounds stupid as fuck." xD

Sounds really silly at first doesn´t it? Selfish and weird in a sense. But I thought, why not try?

However, instead of writing it like that I decided to take my favorite character (Izaya C;) and write that stuff _**onto**_ him- if there is one thing I thought at that time I was a little good at, then it was writing so I treated it like making a story- and god damn, to everyone who has ever written a little story or just likes writing, this is the freaking best advice I have ever been given for this problem. For me at least- I can only recommend it 3 

That was when I "started" Twtd, though some may have noticed that it took like half a year until I actually "continued" it. To be honest I was thinking of deleting it right after posting it. But then again I was too "not caring" about anything so I left it as it was. I was kinda feeling guilty since I didn´t update anything and let my readers wait for so long, and I mean, it was a story about Izaya, ne? So I posted it. It took long until I actually decided to continue it. And that´s where reason number 1 comes into game:

**1: for my readers who are suffering from depression or worse**

During that pause on twtd I was thinking the same thing, I was writing stuff down on Izaya in a word document and stuff and that was great as mentioned, really, but as you say I wouldn´t wanna post it cuz- why even? But then I stumbled over something. I read the story love blind eyes. Those who know it may know that it´s a Shizaya story where Izaya has depression. And as strange as it sounds, reading this story, and it was pretty detailed and neat the first couple chapters, I actually felt better. And I´m not the only one, I heard from other people, readers, friends, that reading such things- a character, going through this and actually getting better over the course of time makes them feel better, makes them even feel like they can do it too. And it´s true I think.

The better a story was described, the better I found myself sympathizing with the character and actually feel like I was getting better along with them. It´s why I focus so much on what Izaya actually feels. After realizing that more people than just me feel better by reading things like that I got the idea to make my "story" a story that leaves you feeling in all the good ways as someone really dear to me put it once. Wanna create something, as close to reality as possible, that makes people feel better. Of course I added at the beginning that my story might be triggering tho- after all this might not work for everyone, and if you stop reading at like, chapter 1 or 5 you maybe won´t be feeling any better at all or even worse. Especially since this story has neither reached the safe and more happy part nor the end of it yet.

So bascially when I read that story, I felt myself understood, like someone knows actually what´s going on, and I dunno but I think that´s what comforted me about it. Just a heartless fic where Izaya is depressed in chapter 1 and happy in chapter 2 just cuz someone said something nice wouldn´t have that effect, it would sound like bullshit. It just shows how much the author actually did not understand what she was even writing about and it makes it seem as if it SHOULD be that easy to stop depression- only resulting in making people feel worse. The worst thing a depressed person can do is to try and force themselves to feel better quickly- or rather feel like they HAVE to feel better quickly- and stories like that are just conveying the message that they should be able to. I wanna convey that it´s completely fine to not be alright even after someone has been nice to you for just a day.

Which leads me to reason 2:

**2: for those who never were depressed**

You see, I have heard so many, really, MANY people spout so much bullshit about a topic like depression. Like, how you should just "cheer up already" and it´s just "your imagination" and "you aren´t actually feeling bad" and omg you can imagine the rest. It´s really shocking how stupid and not informed people can be about something that approximately 350 million people worldwide suffer from. And I think being that misunderstood and having to keep that stuff for yourself because you feel like no one close to you would even understand is what makes this so hard to cure. I have heard my own parents talk about news and how depression is stupid and not even an illness while I was like... well damn. How would you even start to explain? How would you even gather the confidence that´s slithered somewhere down the gutter to even say anything at all after hearing things like that? How often have you heard someone say- those who cut are "stupid"- "they just want _**attention**_." My favorite brainless statement. Yeah right. Alone in a dark room where no one sees, doing it in places where no one sees. But yeah, it´s surely for "attention." I don´t think people understand how stressful it is to explain what´s going on in your head when you don´t even understand it yourself. That´s why I´m writing it for people that have no clue of this. I want the people who gladly never had to feel this way to understand what this really is about. That it´s not funny or some way to get attention at all.

It might seem like I treat it as a funny topic in my author´s notes, but that´s just something akin to a little counter to heavy chapters. If you read a depressing part of the story, but then there is a sweet or funny happy author´s note at the end of it, that reminds you that it´s still just a story- I think it kinda lessens the effect of it being depressing. After all, even when I write chapters like the last one, I really don´t want anyone to feel depressed from it. Not even crying actually. By saying the next chappy is gonna make you cry or something I am actually making people prepare themselves for something sad that´s approaching. And I always add a note on how something sweet is going to happen soon after a heavy chapter too C: Some of my readers may already know how I answer their sad reviews with some happy answer and how I tell them to not be sad because bla bla bla x'DD

So anyway~ long explanation time is over C: I actually got some Pm's from people that told me that my story helps them- so I am more than just happy to say what I´m trying to do is somehow working C': at least for some people


	24. ஜ Caring for whom? ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo~ (ﾉಠヮಠ)ﾉ:･ﾟ.*
> 
> Welcome to chapter 23 *^*
> 
> First though, really thank you all for being so- I can´t even put it into words- you are all amazing C': I was kinda a lil worried about actually telling why I write this story and I was thinking there might be some people saying something idk- aaahhhh but hey-! ;/; I love you all 3
> 
> I´m sorry I´m so slow at updating recently and also with the replies ;-; really sorry, I will make sure to get everything updated this week, big big promise 3 And I will make sure to reply to all your messages 3 I love you all, like seriously C:
> 
> Guest 2: Did you think I was gonna say I will stop the story? x'D And yeah, they really are. I´m glad you are better now at university and in your own little home C: Also that it touches you, I´m really really happy that you said it does 3 And I love talking in the comments with you as well Cx Thank you for always being so awesome and lovely 3
> 
> Someone random: They did, it´s just the graphicness that threw them off- I know what you mean, reading/ and also writing those feeling on someone else, even if only a made up character somehow is soothing isn´t it? C: and yeah I think people really need to learn about this- Thank you 3 C: I´m happy my idea is somehow working cx
> 
> Thank you very much for correcting Soylent Ramen! 3
> 
> Enjoy~! (ﾉಠヮಠ)ﾉ:･ﾟ.*

  


...

And then he woke up.

Hah, he had seen Shizu-chan one more time, hadn´t he?

_"…Flea…? ….What the hell are you doing louse-?!"_ He remembered every single word.

_"Shizu-chan, what a coincidence!"_ All the things he spouted without thought.

_"…I asked what the hell you are doing."_

_"Shizu-chan sure likes to interrupt others' business."_... sometimes... just for a second he wondered what things would have been like if he had told Shizu-chan everything.

_"Why are cutting your- You cut your arms to fucking_ _frame_ _someone for doing it and make them pay you so you can leech off them, right?! … You want to frame_ _me_ _?!"_

... really everything-

_"Heh. Certainly sounds like me."_ What he was feeling, for him and all that shit that was going on in his head.

_"You piss me off."_ But he didn´t tell, did he? He didn´t want to.

_"Oh, didn´t you say you didn´t care anymore? Just yesterday, if I remember correctly."_

_"…I don´t."_... no that´s not right... it´s not that he didn´t want. He actually _wanted_ to tell him.

_"You just said I piss you off."_

_"Just fuck you, flea."_ He desperately wanted to call out to someone. Share these emotions with someone. If only so he wouldn´t be alone anymore in this dark prison he created himself. He wanted someone to understand.

_"Hmmm, I don't think it´s possible for that to be done by one person."_

_"... you make me sick."_... Shizu-chan even asked for it. So many times. Of all the things that Shizu-chan did that were pointless, he did them all, but he refused to do the only thing that actually could help.

_"You are fucking insane, Izaya. You play with everyone around you as if they were your toys. Just for your entertainment."_... because he was scared.

_"Oh please. Don´t even try analyzing me. Nobody understands me anyway — nobody feels the way I do- why should_ _you_ _understand? But don't worry- I won´t be in your way much longer."_ Because he wouldn´t understand. And Izaya was scared of what would happen then.

_"Yeah, as if. You are going to pester me my whole life right? I´m fucking sick of you, Izaya."_... he was really damn scared for once about how Shizu-chan would react.

_"Just disappear already. You would do everyone in this city a freaking favor."_ The words he said back then still hurt to think about.

_"…heh… you aren't even staying? No punch, no nothing…? You finally got me cornered, you know..."_ He refused to tell the truth and it hurt just like he expected it to.

_"I don't care what you do, flea."_ But what if the truth hurt more?

_"…what happened, change of heart? Trying to be human for once? Not killing me when you have the chance…? Why…?"_ He wanted to tell and yet he didn´t. Confusing.

_"Because you aren´t worth it."_

His thoughts were a jumbled mess.

…

What did he even expect...?

In that alley, by what he said-

Seriously... what did he think would happen...?

It was obvious he was trying to keep the brute there. Despite being scared of getting found out.

Did he think that Shizu-chan would suddenly turn around and change his mind? With all these lies?

Chase him again?

Perhaps... yeah, maybe he hoped for it.

The way he kept asking him about whether he was sure of just leaving or hiding his monstrosity, yeah, he was obviously trying his best to annoy him, to get him to revert to the way they were...

Now he was there, wasn´t he?

Shizu-chan, that is.

He was there 24/7-

He was waiting downstairs.

And yet he wasn´t there.

He wasn´t.

It was over wasn´t it?

Cold water spilled onto the tiles as Izaya stepped out of the shower. His hair was hanging down, the clear liquid dripping from the tips of his hair.

Salty liquid falling from his lashes.

The back of his hand found its way to his eyes, rubbing violently once more.

This all had just happened because of the brute's stupid idea of wanting to fix him.

He didn´t even know why he was so keen on this shit.

He wasn´t helping at all; if anything, he was just making everything worse.

... maybe... maybe he really meant well by doing this. Izaya had no idea what his reasons were for acting this way. Only one thing came to mind.

Pity.

Shizu-chan pitied him. As much of a monster as he was, the way he was acting right now was the most humane side Izaya had ever gotten to see. And he hated it when he did that.

He hated when Shizu-chan acted like a human, acted like something loveable, nice, things that a monster like him shouldn´t do. If he would just keep chasing him like a raging bull and destroy the city, it would be better.

Izaya wasn´t stupid. He knew Shizu-chan still hated him. He was reminded of that fact every time he saw that annoyed glance directed toward him or found a fist aimed at his body.

His shoulder still hurt from yesterday- the latest proof of his hatred. Izaya didn´t like pain. If anything, he detested it. Shinra knew that. He once asked him why he was always going for Shizu-chan even though he knew he would only get hurt.

Of course, he had only meant physically.

It was a moment where Izaya´s blood had frozen, and he almost thought the quack had figured him out. He still didn´t know to this day if he had or not. They didn´t talk about it anymore.

Izaya didn´t like pain. Except when Shizu-chan was the one hurting him. Because it was proof of his hatred. Proof that would make Izaya forget.

But now?

...

He couldn´t tell him anything.

He wasn´t going to.

Shizu-chan didn´t even have the urge to fight him anymore.

Grabbing a towel in the bathroom, he dried himself, rubbing it over his hair.

He was shivering. Only now, he noticed how much he was freezing.

Trembling, he grabbed some clothes he kept in his bathroom and put them on.

A pair of black pants, short white socks and a long sleeved shirt.

Of course long sleeved. It had become a habit to only wear those. Then again, he was always cold anyway, so it didn´t matter.

The towel found its way into the raven hair again, trying to dry the rest of it. As it slipped down his head, he couldn´t help but look at the mirror in his bathroom.

It was a rather big one, right next to the shower, above the sink.

Something akin to a snort escaped his lips as he eyed his reflection.

"I really do look like shit, they were both right."

Even though he wanted to pretend he didn´t see them, the tears were there.

The blue lips were there.

Bags under his eyes, paleness- he looked way too skinny.

He messed everything up, didn´t he?

Including himself.

It was his own fault.

It was too late to change anything.

He was still the same.

The same as when Shizuo found him.

Nothing had changed.

Shizuo would never know.

Never understand.

Nor reciprocate.

Hah, how would he?

His sight fell on his reflection in the mirror once more.

Something like that- a human like that, rotten to the core, he didn´t even look decent. All those bruises.

He was pale and thin- he looked fucking sick.

Hah, he was sick, and he was a mental case on top of it!

Who in their right mind would ever love this piece of shit?!

WHO?!

_***CRASH*** _

_**-Shizuo´s point of view.-** _

Shizuo whipped his head towards the bathroom. A sound had reached his ears. A sound that definitely didn´t come from showering-

His legs started walking before he could even think about it as he ran for the bathroom.

What was that-?!

**-Izaya´s point of view-**

... ahhhh... now what was that?

He already ruined himself and now he was making it worse?

Seemed to be it.

His mirror was in front of a cupboard, there was nothing behind it.

Dozens of eyes stared back at him as he just stood there not able to turn the glance away.

Slowly the thick red liquid dripped down his forearm and the shards of broken mirror.

He moved it, instantly flinching as the glass that was sticking out cut along his entire arm.

It hurt.

He stilled.

He had punched the mirror out of frustration, maybe even desperation or anger? He didn´t know.

Shizu-chan had cleared all his knives away.

And now the broken glass was protruding so violently.

Cracks like spider webs stretched all across the mirror from his balled fist, now covered in blood.

It should hurt, but it wasn´t any kind of pain he wasn´t used to already.

Just the dripping of the droplets of pure red liquid was keeping him mesmerized.

He heard the hurried steps approaching the door- he knew it was Shizu-chan before he even opened the door.

He knew he had to act quickly, but somehow his body wouldn´t move.

He cursed it for not responding to his consciousness the second the door flew open.

The door opened so fast it crashed into the wall- so hard and loud Shizuo knew it had to have left a dent in it.

And then his sight fell on the flea. He was standing there, the towel around his shoulders, hiding just a bit what he had done, but the pattern on the entire mirror already gave it away.

"What are you doing?!" He didn´t intend to bark like that- he could see how Izaya flinched at his words, but he didn´t move-

With fast steps, the blond went over, one hand on the mirror and the other on Izaya´s arm. Blood was smearing beneath his finger just as he was about to pull, and he stopped, seeing how the jagged shards of mirror still cut into the flea´s hand.

If he just pulled his arm out, he would tear more skin open than before.

"Tch, what did you do flea?" He raised his fist. The raven closed his eyes for a second, expecting more pain. But then he heard the mirror clatter violently and he opened his eyes just in time to see Shizuo hitting the mirror once more so it would break completely, freeing his arm.

It was tugged out, and forced under an already running tap that he hadn´t even seen Shizu-chan turn on.

"Fuck-" A curse escaped the brute´s lips as he let go of the raven for just a second. Izaya was too perplexed to either move or say anything, and just let his eyes follow the blond as he pulled various things from the cupboard next to the shower.

The first aid kit he kept there was the object of desire, it seemed.

Mindlessly, he poured the contents on the floor, wasting no time to search for anything as he returned with some bandages and clear disinfectant.

He grabbed his arm, and despite his hasty and violent actions so far Izaya was surprised by how gently he brushed over his skin, washing the blood away.

And then he saw the blond pause.

He let his eyes trail down to his arm to see what was so interesting- ahh...

He had forgotten about that.

Great, now Shizu-chan even saw his left arm...

He could see _it_ there, now partly ripped open.

He didn´t know if Shizu-chan was good at English, but he did suspect he knew what the word _hate_ meant.

But he didn´t say anything, to Izaya´s relief. Not a word left his lips as he turned the water off and added the burning liquid- Izaya hissed just slightly, his brows furrowing at the familiar sting.

And then he wrapped him up. Layer after layer.

Izaya was leaning on the sink, not struggling or doing anything else to hinder Shizu-chan. He knew he could anger him now, by struggling or trying to snatch the bandage away. But he didn´t feel like it.

"Izaya... why?" ... so he finally decided to speak. Izaya couldn´t say he felt particularly inclined to voice a reply yet, though.

"Why!?" It was obvious Shizu-chan was getting frustrated. Heh, he didn´t feel like talking anyway, maybe he could make him angry by simply not saying anything.

"Izaya, why did you do that?" Again.

What was he even supposed to say? That he didn´t know? That he got angry at himself? At Shizu-chan? He didn't even know what he was so mad at, exactly.

He didn´t even mean to hurt himself this time. It was just blind rage.

Something Shizu-chan should know far too well, ne?

If Shizu-chan would only just go away. Far, far away and never return.

Now that would be awesome, wouldn´t it?

"Was it something I did? I seriously don´t know, please tell me!"

Again, that tempting question. Tell, huh?

Weary, he felt his lips move.

"I didn´t mean to do it. Sorry, Shizu-chan."

The blond frowned. But not annoyed. Worried. He didn´t want Izaya to be like this.

Sorry, huh? That kind of 'sorry' hadn´t sounded cocky at all. It was more like the kind of sorry he had said yesterday night.

Why was he apologizing? He hated it.

Izaya wasn´t supposed to apologize or feel guilty about this- Shizuo already got that it wasn´t even his fault! The way he was so silent now reminded him far too much of yesterday.

"Izaya, please look at me." The raven had averted his gaze. Though Shizuo didn´t think he was actually looking at anything in particular. It was more like a stare into nothing.

He didn´t know what to do-

Panic started to fill his senses as he grabbed his shoulders-

"Izaya!" The raven´s eyes squeezed shut for a second and the blond loosened his grip-

Had he hurt him again?

Fuck, he didn´t even know- he couldn´t even judge anymore whether he was using too much of this damned strength or not-

"Izaya, goddamn-it, I´m not trying to lure you in some sort of trap." But Izaya didn´t seem to be particularly interested in what Shizuo had to say.

He wasn´t even sure if he was actually listening...

"I just want you to get better." The raven frowned, still leaning at the sink, the brute in front of him.

Get better, huh?

"Why even..." his voice was hoarse- nothing but a creaky whisper, and with dread, he felt that familiar lump return to his throat. No, not again. He had already discarded his dignity by crying on front of Shizu-chan yesterday. There was no way he was going to do it a second time.

... Hah... then again, he had done so many things in front of Shizu-chan already- it didn´t even matter anymore if he cried on front of him, did it?

"Because I realized that I don´t want you dead." Those words made the raven blink softly, actually looking at the blond, locking their gaze.

"You don´t give a shit about me." It wasn´t a question or anything. Just a simple statement. Because it was paradox. Shizu-chan hated him, so of course he shouldn´t give a damn.

The frown on Shizuo´s forehead got even deeper as he realized that the flea seriously didn´t get at all that he really wanted to help him.

"Maybe I do give a shit about you, okay?" A snort.

Izaya cocked an eyebrow, still not breaking eye contact. The bandage around his arm felt warm and comfortable. His gaze trailed down to it for a second, leaving his other hand to softly brush over it.

"You're only saying that because you've realized how fucked up I am." Because of pity. He had already realized that much.

A hand suddenly moving over his own made him blink and snap his eyes back up to meet the blond´s.

"No. I realized that before I told you that I wanted to stop the chases."

...

Before he said he wanted to stop the chases?

Wait.

... but that was before Shizuo knew there was something wrong with his head.

A frown creased itself onto Izaya's expression as he kept staring at the brute.

The hand had already left his own again.

"What do you mean?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued~
> 
> Again I'm sorry for not updating the other stories today :C I just really didn´t get to finish everything ;-; but I will give my best to finish tomorrow at least 3
> 
> I love you all C: Izzy is now going to have a better time from now on with Shizu-chan cx
> 
> See you next sunday~! (ﾉಠヮಠ)ﾉ:･ﾟ
> 
> PS.: Just adding to my last "Explanation chappy" if anyone ever needs someone to talk to or something, I´m in PM or on facebook, with the username "Alexandra Breit" and the same profile pic as here, like 24/7 C: well except you catch me sleeping xD Love ya all 3
> 
> See you next sunday~!


	25. ஜ Talking about it ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo~ (ﾉಠヮಠ)ﾉ:･ﾟ.*
> 
> Welcome to chapter 24 *^*
> 
> I actually made it *0* To be honest I literally only finished all three updated TODAY. Applause to my beta please- she is the fastest ever I would be lost without her omg-
> 
> Just right now I sent her the update for "Survival of the doomed," so for anyone who is waiting that one is gonna come out as soon as she is done. C:
> 
> Thank you Soylent Ramen~! You are the best Cx
> 
> Now, I bet you want to know really badly what Shizuo is going to say, well well~ It will probably surprise you, or if someone googled up what Karisawa was talking about, you may even have already figured out what cause Shizuo to say these things~
> 
> Either way~ You will know today xD
> 
> Well then, enough rambling already xD
> 
> Enjoy~! (ﾉಠヮಠ)ﾉ:･ﾟ.*

  


* * *

**-Shizuo´s point of view-**

He really didn´t get it.

"The day before..." The blond started, still keeping their eye contact, "I was collecting debts with Tom-san. And then I saw what I thought was you. I saw that fur coat from afar. Some client had pissed me off and before I knew it, I had picked up a vending machine and thrown it." He still remembered how the metal had creaked beneath his fingers as he tore the machine out of its hinges to lift it over his head.

It was just the usual at that time. Seeing Izaya, already furious, getting more furious and his violence going out of control.

"You do that all the time, Shizu-chan. That´s nothing new," Izaya threw in, having the same impression from the scene Shizuo described. But it was different, very different.

"It was... because I hit the person I thought was you." Izaya merely shrugged. He had already figured as much, since he couldn´t remember meeting the brute the day before.

"Feeling guilty because you hurt another person? Is that why you want to help me now?" It would suit him. After all, Shizu-chan wasn´t one to have any deep kind of reasons. He probably hurt someone again that he didn´t intend to, like that bakery woman, and now he was feeling guilty about it.

Great.

So it was guilt that was driving him... that wasn´t exactly much better than pity.

"Their head flew off."

The raven´s eyes widened, and for a second, he could only stare.

"Wait, what?" The blond averted his gaze for just a second.

"The vending machine... it crashed into that person and knocked their head off. The body laid on the ground... I thought I killed you." Shizuo continued, his fists tightening slightly as he remembered the incident. His stomach did a little backflip as he remembered how he had felt at that moment.

"I didn´t want to kill you." He really didn´t- when he saw that body, laying there-

Izaya couldn´t believe it. He was still staring at the brute.

"Wait, you killed a-"

"It was a mannequin." Izaya´s question was interrupted, as if Shizu-chan had already figured out what the raven wanted to ask.

"Just a mannequin. One of those that you put clothes on. It just happened to be wearing your coat and similar black hair. I only saw the back of it."

The raven blinked, trying to take in that piece of information.

"I was... I don´t know. You are human, I know that. Or I should know that, but the thought that maybe once you wouldn´t be able to dodge what I threw at you never crossed my mind. I know I always yell that I will kill you, but when I thought you were dead... it really made me feel nauseous... I wanted to revert time."

... no.

"Izaya, I seriously don´t want you dead."

... so cruel...

A frown carved itself on Izaya's expression.

So it wasn´t that he didn´t even give a single fuck about him anymore, but that he started to give more about him?

... what the hell kind of messed up explanation was that...?

Almost sounded like the protozoan actually wanted him there.

Tch- what a liar.

It was a lie.

The lump grew, more and more. Why did he tell him that? Did Shizu-chan think it would make him feel better? Did he think it would cheer him up to know he didn´t want to kill him?

Did he think he would be glad that he said those things now?

Nothing changed. So what if Shizu-chan didn´t want to become a murderer? So what if he decided he didn´t want to actually kill him all this time?

Nothing changed about Shizu-chan himself. He still hated him.

It was still guilt.

A different guilt, guilt about being at fault if he took his eyes off Izaya, right? That brute just didn´t want to burden himself with the thought that he _let_ someone die.

So that was his reason.

Hah... he didn´t give even the slightest shit about him. Just about a "life" that he felt the need to preserve.

"Shizu-chan, leave already." A glare had settled in Izaya´s eyes, and he knew very well it did. The same was returned by the blond, though.

Shizuo´s eyes narrowed. He didn´t get it-

Leave? There was no way he would do that. He just told Izaya that he didn´t want that stupid flea to be dead. There was no way he was going to leave Izaya alone.

"I won´t." The image of Izaya being just... _gone_ \- it really haunted him. It had haunted him ever since Simon´s place, ever since he started to realize what was going on.

It made his stomach churn. Never seeing that annoying flea again, never being teased; the thought didn´t sound peaceful, it sounded disturbing.

"Shizu-chan, I said-"

"I won´t, Izaya! What don´t you get?! I just told you that I seriously don´t want you to be gone!"

The aggression, the power, confidence, behind Shizuo´s words threw Izaya off, it confused him. Why? What did he mean?

It didn´t make sense.

He should be happy if he thought he had killed him. Was it the prospect of becoming a murderer what made his stomach churn? Probably. It couldn´t be about him.

He didn´t want him to be gone... it didn´t fit his explanation. Did he really not want him, Izaya Orihara, to be gone? It didn´t make sense.

If he thought about it that way, it almost sounded like he cared.

He was probably lying.

... no, Shizu-chan didn´t lie.

... but, then what? He didn´t get it. Shizuo clearly hated him, so if it wasn´t the prospect of saving a life, then what? He had taken the knives away so he couldn´t hurt himself. He looked mad before, when he stormed into the bathroom.

He looked...

Concerned.

Just hurting himself wouldn´t burden Shizu-chan- it shouldn´t. He had hurt so many people in his life, it wasn´t anything unusual.

So why?

He had to be misunderstanding something, his mind was pulling a prank on him.

"Just let me help you! Tell me what´s going on!" But the raven shook his head, his eyes lowered to the ground, the arm still cradled against his body.

He couldn't do it. He didn´t want to let the brute inside his head. He didn't want to hear any lies that could comfort him.

He didn´t want to hear how he was wrong, when it felt right.

He didn´t want to be lied to, even if the lies weren´t even spoken on purpose.

"You wouldn´t understand."

**_*CRASH*_ **

Startled the raven flinched- He hadn´t been looking at the blond anymore so he didn´t see him move- and he certainly didn´t see how Shizuo´s hand had already tightened its grip on the sink next to Izaya-

Did it crack from pure pressure before? Probably. He didn´t notice how mad Shizuo was.

And when the sink went flying into the other wall of the bathroom- Izaya really could do nothing but stare. Stare and freeze, for a second, something actually akin to dread filling his senses.

Not at the prospect of being hit, but at the harshness of the anger directed towards him again. With dread, Izaya realized that it was the thought of Shizuo actually giving up that scared him.

But Shizuo hadn´t actually aimed at him- he didn´t intend to throw anything at the raven. He didn´t even glare at the raven.

The sink broke at the impact- denting the wall; white shards covered the floor, and water sprayed out of the pipe where the sink was supposed to be.

He had brutishly torn it apart.

The raven took a step away, realizing that he was getting wet, but before he could even voice any thought on how to fix this, the blond had hit the thing again, twisting it in a way that stemmed the flow of water.

Izaya looked at the blonds' expression- but couldn't read it. Anger, frustration, a mix of both? And something else- but not at him.

A feeling of relief made itself known as his tongue felt glued to his mouth.

He was mad at something else. What? Why?

Shizu-chan heaved a heavy sigh, reminding Izaya of a raging bull as he let his back touch the wall of the bathroom and slid down to the floor.

Just sitting there, ruffling through his hair as he seemed to try and... calm down?

Izaya stood there, staring.

He didn´t know what to do.

Quietly, he moved over.

Shizuo wasn´t even looking at him.

He seemed frustrated.

A feeling of guilt beginning to spread through him, the raven sat down on the floor opposite Shizu-chan. Had he thrown the sink at the wall so he wouldn´t actually hurt him?

The thought had crossed his mind before he knew it, and he felt a sting in his chest.

He was at fault, wasn´t he? He felt responsible.

"... everything alright up there?" only softly he had mumbled those words, wondering if Shizuo had even heard them.

...

He didn´t reply, though.

...

He didn´t mean to frustrate him like that. It reminded him of when Shizu-chan left him alone in the bedroom.

... It was obvious he just couldn´t take seeing Izaya like that anymore… he had already figured that much.

Izaya had felt guilty. In a weak moment, he even went so far as to touch the blond in a manner that was not filled with malice at all.

A mistake. A fluke.

He didn´t want to affect the blond in that way. He meant to apologize- just saying sorry seemed to be too little, though.

... the blond was still sitting there, his hands holding his head as if he had a headache.

One knee propped up, the other stretched out.

Izaya looked around, his sight falling on the dent in the wall, and the broken sink on the floor.

A sort of smile spread over his lips and he turned his head again to look at the blond.

"Don´t think the plumbing did anything to you, you know." His lips felt weary as he spoke and he almost thought Shizuo wasn´t going to answer him again, but then a sigh reached his ears and he dropped his hands.

His head tilted back, bumping into the wall softly as he let his own eyes trail over to the damage he caused.

"Can you stop joking, please?" The raven opened his mouth, wanting to retort something, as he was used to, but decided differently.

"Does it bother you?" It was only a mumble that left his lips as the blond looked at the raven once more.

"Yeah. Why are you always joking about things that aren´t funny, anyway?" Shizuo had asked the question, though he didn´t expect an answer.

He knew he wouldn't get anything real from the flea.

But he was wrong.

"I don´t really know," the raven mumbled, just as quiet, but the honesty in his voice made Shizuo listen, carefully. "I just do it. From an evolutionary historic point of view, people start smiling and joking when they recognize that they are in a dangerous situation, and they want to signal the person who is dangerous that they have no wish for escalation." Shizuo took in that new piece of information. What did he mean?

"... So, you are trying to say you are afraid of me escalating and hurting you again?" The raven blinked, surprised, but he shook his head quickly.

"No. Nevermind." That wasn´t what he was trying to say. A little confused, Shizuo leaned forward, leaning on his propped up leg as he stared at the rare sight of an honest flea in front of him.

"Then why do you do this?" He wanted to know. He wanted to know why Izaya always put on those laughing amused masks whenever something happened that really bothered him.

A pause followed, and Shizuo started doubting if he would get an honest answer again, but then the raven spoke up once more.

He averted his gaze a bit- it was obvious he was trying hard to give answers.

"There is another theory; it suggests that fearful laughter actually represents a denial of fear. We're scared, but we're trying to lie to ourselves and the people around us that we're not—that everything is okay. Maybe something like that." It sounded like a question the way Izaya said it, but to Shizuo, it actually made a lot of sense at that moment.

"Pretending and lying, huh? ...that certainly sounds like you." He always did it, didn't he? Pretending.

The raven went silent, shrugging a bit- he seemed off.

"Guess it does." He had taken his words the wrong way hadn´t he?

"Not in a bad way. In an avoiding way." Shizuo assured quickly, for once actually thinking that he understood what was going on in Izaya's head. Just for once.

...

"Why did you punch the mirror?" It was a gamble and he knew it, the possibility of Izaya just shutting up like a clam was higher than giving more, honest answers. But...

He wanted to know. He needed to know.

The raven blinked, not really raising his eyes to meet the blond´s stare though. He had already guessed he would ask this question soon enough.

"Isn´t it obvious?" he asked, a smile playing over his lips again. "I saw something pathetic in there that needed a beating."

The blond cringed, a frown appearing on his face- but not out of annoyance, more out of concern. Izaya clearly wasn´t trying to tease him.

"Don´t say that." He didn't want to hear those things. Sure, he had yelled them so often, yelled things even worse, that he deserved a beating or that he would kill him, but when the flea said them himself, it just left a bitter taste.

The raven chuckled slightly, letting just his eyes trail over to glance at the blond.

"You want to deny it?" The frown deepened.

"Yeah, actually I do." A laugh followed, one that held so much emotion in it. It appeared funny, as if Izaya really thought this was amusing, yet there was still this melancholic expression hiding. And for the first time Shizuo actually found himself somehow getting a grasp on what Izaya was really like.

"Says the guy who wants to kill me." By now, Shizuo got that everything Izaya said about himself that could be taken as a joke was actually what he truly thought.

And that was what irked him so much.

"You look like you have been through more than anyone else could even put you through," he mumbled, attracting the flea´s attention once more. An eyebrow was raised as the raven tilted his head slightly, as if to ask what he meant.

The blond sighed, continuing as he tilted his head back, his hair thudding against the wall as he looked up.

"The last thing you deserve right now is a beating, if you ask me." His brows furrowed more.

The more he started to understand the flea, the more he wanted to help him, but he also started to understand just what a difficult task it was going to be.

"What do I deserve, then?" The blond blinked, looking at the flea. It honestly seemed like he wanted an answer, but expected something that would hurt.

Yeah.

_Hurt_.

And finally one puzzle piece clicked together in his head. Just what it was that irked him so much about Izaya´s expression, just what it was that made him so anxious about Izaya´s unpredictability.

It was because he always looked _hurt_.

He didn´t look like he was actually injured, he didn´t frown, he didn´t move his expression in any way indicating that, but his eyes almost screamed at him.

Maybe he was crazy, but now he thought he saw it clearly.

"A break. From all that pain," he replied, only to see Izaya´s expression grow blank, then frowned- he hadn´t expected that sort of reply.

"... what are you talking about?" His voice sounded unsteady, quiet, almost as if he feared something would break if he spoke any louder.

"I don´t really know, but I can see that you are suffering. You deserve a break."

The bond blinked as soon as he had finished his sentence, a slight frown appearing on his face as he leaned a bit forward.

One, two drops suddenly rolled down Izaya's cheeks, while he was still looking wide-eyed at the blond.

He made him cry.

Why? It was a bad thing wasn´t it? Had he said something wrong?

He didn´t know what to do- he wanted to comfort him but how?

The raven stayed quiet. He didn´t say anything. After a second, he unfroze and lifted his hand, trying to rub the tears away, but more and more came flowing.

"What the hell, Shizu-chan. Stop profiling me like that. What are you? A detective from some stupid show?" He felt... happy.

Actually, felt sort of happy, relieved.

Shizuo probably thought he had said something wrong but actually he didn´t cry because he was sad. He cried because... for the first time, maybe in his whole life, he felt understood.

Sure, it wasn´t like the blond had gotten everything and knew exactly what he was thinking and what was going on in his mind, and they surely would still get in a lot of fights, and misunderstand and not get anything, but right now... he really got him.

He actually felt like Shizuo understood him.

Shizuo could do nothing but stare helplessly as he watched those tears roll down. One second, he thought he really got the flea, and then he was so confused he had no idea what was going on.

... but... the look disappeared. That expression in his eyes from before, that reminded him so much of that night. Instead he seemed... better? A slight bit?

He didn´t know, but somehow, he had the gut feeling he didn´t need to feel guilty for making Izaya cry.

... it still bothered him, though.

Crying Izaya wasn´t something he particularly took joy in seeing. It upset him.

"Izaya-" The raven quickly shook his head as if to deny whatever Shizuo wanted to say.

"Don´t look at me if it bothers you. I´m fine. Just these stupid eyes that keep leaking," he breathed shakily, his voice breaking every now and then.

He kept rubbing at his eyes, trying to get those tears off his face, but only more and more kept coming.

Izaya just couldn´t deal with this. He couldn´t put up any masks, anything to hide.

It was almost as if his ability to pretend was turned off at the moment.

Vulnerable.

"What do you want to do now?" Izaya asked, and Shizuo thought about it, the tears still bothering him greatly.

"I don´t know. Whatever seems like it would help. I know you don´t think there is anything that can, but I´m sure there is something. I even read those shitty boring books, and they said people can definitely overcome this stuff, so, we are going to figure something out." The raven looked at the blond, eyes still wet.

"...we?" he whispered. The blond nodded.

"I don´t plan on leaving. I won´t leave you alone no matter what you do. Please get that already."Shizuo emphasized once more. Izaya nodded, his eyes closing for a second, only to cause more droplets of liquid to fall.

"'Kay." So he was going to stay. For him? For guilt? For whatever?

He didn´t know.

But he was too tired to think about it. Whatever it was, he was alright with it. No matter what he said or did, Shizu-chan wouldn´t leave again.

He wouldn´t.

"Izaya, are you sure you are okay?" A soft snort escaped Izaya´s lips. He should hate the thought, the thought of Shizu-chan staying. But right now he couldn´t help but think of it as comforting. He couldn´t explain it, he just did.

"Yeah, Shizu-chan, I am." No matter how often Shizu-chan would get mad, or say the wrong things, treat him like whatever, he didn´t mind. If he just stayed.

And suddenly, there was a noise.

Clacking of shoes and a loud, annoyed, female´s voice.

"Izaya, may I inform you that you didn´t send the money you were supposed to give me. I didn't work for nothing!"

With something akin to horror, Izaya realized it was Namie.

She was coming closer.

Izaya tried to rub away the tears quickly, tried to set up his smile, but the tears kept falling- he couldn´t stop.

And a single glance from Shizuo was enough for the blond to realize that right now he wouldn´t be able to pretend everything was fine in front of anyone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued~
> 
> So, as said, this time I wasn´t cruel to Izaya C: And next time, well, C:
> 
> You will seee~ I bet you wonder what´s going to happen with Namie there now C:
> 
> hehe
> 
> C: well then xD I hope you liked this updated and see you next sunday~!
> 
> PS.: for those who wonder- "no escape" 6 will be coming out tomorrow! as well as Sotd C: sotd is finished, just needs to be betaed- and no escape is ... not quite finished xD sorry- see you *0*
> 
> PPS.: I will also reply to the reviews tomorrow! SORRY xD


	26. ஜ Trying your best ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to chapter 25 *^*
> 
> Now then, after a one week break, here I am again xD
> 
> Finally now, let´s make this turn into something sweet C: With minor little incidents, but overall sweet CX xD
> 
> Thank you very much for correcting SoylentRamen! *^* Seriously, she is the queen of proofreading! With university and all that shit I´m not exactly the fastest writer at the moment, and to be honest I thought there was no way I would make it in time this time-
> 
> BUT- after I wrote all the updates yesterday- she corrected all four chapters in like, within 3 hours, after I sent them to her ;/; Thank you a lot SoylentRamen C:
> 
> Well then, let´s stop rambling now xD
> 
> You wanna know how it continues after all *0*
> 
> Enjoy~!

  


-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Shizuo´s point of view-**

Quickly, before the woman could walk up the stairs- he could already hear the clacking of her shoes- he got up from the floor.

Izaya was still crying; there was no way he would be able to perform his "I´m alright" act right now, and Shizuo definitely didn´t want anyone to see Izaya the way he was at the moment.

Arms were crossed, the door half closed as he leaned against the doorframe, effectively cutting off line of sight into the bathroom.

Not a second too early-

"You didn't fire me, so I expect you to pay-" the woman paused, having stepped into the bedroom now, only to encounter the blond. Izaya looked towards the door, only meeting the blond´s back. The clacking of shoes stopped.

A surprised expression showed on the woman's face when she saw Shizuo in front of her. She was wearing her usual green blouse and red skirt, and a tiny plaster was stuck on her cheek.

She was Izaya´s secretary, wasn´t she?

"Shizuo Heiwajima?" She raised a brow. Of course she didn´t expect him here.

"Sorry, but could you leave?" The blond spoke calm- he wasn´t trying to cause a fight or anything, he really just wanted the woman to leave.

Namie quirked an eyebrow, completely dismissing the blond´s request as she glanced around, obviously searching for the raven she had been expecting to meet here instead.

"What are you doing in Izaya´s secret apartment? I thought only I knew where it was." She crossed her arms in front of her body, her expression growing stern.

Shizuo frowned. Obviously he had no explanation, and he didn´t think he needed one. That woman had been working together with the flea for all this time, and she failed to notice anything. Well, not that he was any better; if not for that one night, Shizuo would have never guessed.

But this secretary was here every day and still didn´t notice. Or even worse, maybe she did and just didn´t care.

"Doesn´t matter. Just go." The woman narrowed her eyes, scanning the blond from head to toe. Namie however almost seemed to be amused, as if she had already figured out everything. Her expression relaxed and a grin spread across her lips.

Shizuo followed her stare, only to notice that he was pretty much covered in blood-

Izaya's blood.

Fuck.

"Don´t tell me, you managed to kill that bastard finally?" The blond´s eyes narrowed, and he tried hard not to grip the door´s frame too hard again. He would have never actually done that-

"I didn´t kill him-" he replied almost instantly, but the woman didn´t even seem to be listening anymore.

She laughed and let her hand drop on her hip as the other pointed towards the bathroom, a cocky expression reflecting in her eyes.

"And you want to tell me that Izaya´s corpse is not in there?" she asked, still laughing and dropped the arm again, laughter wracking her. "Really, I´m not even gonna call the cops. After all," she grinned, "who would not want that bastard dead?"

Shizuo frowned, his fists were tightening next to his body as he let his arms drop. That woman.

He knew why she was saying these things, and he knew it wasn´t even that unreasonable- But right now, it seriously drove him mad that she had to spout these things right in front of him, when Izaya was just right there, listening! When the flea had finally ... he didn´t know. He just felt like there had been some sort of progress before-

"Get out," he growled, his voice darker than he intended to, but the woman didn´t seem to be intimidated by him anyway. She cocked an eyebrow.

"Hah, so rude. Well, I guess I should thank you for ridding the world of this pest, though." Shizuo grit his teeth. God, how he would love to just throw the woman out of the apartment- but he couldn´t move from here or else she would see Izaya.

"I said get out!" High pitched laughter escaped the woman again and she finally took a step back as she turned around. Her heels clacked again.

"Of course, after all I don´t want to be here if you still have to get rid of the body," she shrugged, brushing her hair over her shoulder as she stepped out of the bedroom.

"Don´t worry, I won´t tell anyone it was you-" and with that, she disappeared. A wave of her hand followed and the clacking of her shoes faded away after the door fell into its latch behind her.

The blond frowned, waiting until he was sure the woman wouldn´t come back-

Then he turned around, his sight instantly trailing back to the raven to make sure he hadn´t done anything behind his back. But he was still just sitting there- looking at him, but only for a couple seconds before he avoided his gaze.

The blond approached him, crouching down in front of him.

"Oi, are you okay?"

Crap stupid question-

"I mean… don´t listen to that woman, okay?" he corrected himself quickly, letting his eyes trail over the raven. "What she said is bullshit." But Izaya didn´t really seem to be listening.

A glance was given and Izaya rubbed at his eyes, cleaning away the remains of tears that still stuck to his face.

"Why did you do that?" he mumbled, catching Shizuo a bit off-guard.

"What?" The raven glanced at the blond, and for a second, Shizuo feared he might have done something wrong yet again- but no, actually he looked slightly better. As if he had calmed down.

"You made it so she wouldn´t see me." Ah, that.

Soft laughter followed as he kept watching the raven. Somehow, ever since he had actually started to talk at least a bit about this whole deal going on, he felt as if every word that left the raven´s lips was precious.

"Am I looking that pathetic?" Shizuo frowned.

No. That´s not what it was about.

Not at all.

"You don´t look pathetic. I just didn´t want her to see you." It was the truth, after all.

The raven sighed and let himself slump down on the floor. His head resting on a tiny rug in the bathroom, he just laid there, staring at the ceiling while his hand brushed over the bandage Shizuo had rolled around his arm. He didn´t even seem to actually be interested in what Shizuo had to say.

"... why?" It was just a quiet question, almost sounding unsure, as if the raven was hesitating on asking it in the first place.

"... She would have just asked stupid questions or made bullshit comments about you crying. I don´t know about you, but I wasn´t up to listening to that crap..."

Heh.

Maybe he had to give him at least some credit.

Shizu-chan, that is.

This time, Izaya felt like for one moment, Shizu-chan actually understood something.

"You stopped crying." It was a statement, an obviously relieved one. Izaya´s eyes squinted just in the slightest, a feeling surfacing that he would have loved to keep locked away.

Why?

Why was Shizu-chan so happy now? Why had he been so frustrated before?

He hated seeing Shizu-chan react like that to him, he already admitted that much. But it still confused him greatly. There was this one part, a little, tiny part of him, that hoped the reason Shizu-chan was so obsessed over him was a different one.

As if.

"Guess I did," he mumbled, closing his eyes for a second. The cool tiles against his body kind of calmed him down. He let his eyelids slip open again, looking at the blond next to him.

The way he sat there, he reminded him of a lost dog.

One of those you see in the filthy dark streets. He was even still wearing that bloody shirt.

...

Again, he brushed over the bandage on his arm.

Why?

Why was it that he always felt a sting in his chest whenever the brute decided to act nice to him? He hated it.

He preferred the actual physical pain he experienced when Shizu-chan flipped out.

Not... this.

Softly, his fingers trailed over the material. Warm. It was almost like the gentleness Shizu-chan had used before to wrap him up was still lingering in it.

"You should change your shirt or something." Izaya blinked. The words caught him off guard. Shirt?

It was only then that he realized that Shizu-chan was not the only one who was wearing a bloody shirt.

Black fabric was held out towards him. Just when Shizuo had gone into his room to get him another one was a mystery to him. Had he been lost in his thoughts that deeply?

He glanced at the blond, but he didn´t even need to say anything- Shizu-chan had already turned around.

...

Again, that sting. Shaking his head, he stood up, quickly pulling the bloody shirt from his frame. A second or two, and he was dressed again. The black fabric again hiding what he didn´t want anyone to see.

The latest indicator of his broken sanity he decided to not cover up, though. The bandage, that is.

...

He looked around the bathroom. Shizu-chan still didn´t face him, but he had changed his shirt, as well.

...

The sink was still broken. The pipe bent. The doorframe cracked from yesterday.

His headboard, too, right?

...

Seriously...

"Ne, Shizu-chan, why are you so hung up on me?" The words had left his lips before he was able to stop himself. But he just had to know. "I don´t get it. You could have easily left me behind somewhere. Be honest, I am frustrating, aren´t I?"

The blond turned around, taking the question as a sign that the flea was done. But really... what was he supposed to say?

"You really are..." He couldn´t lie. Never in his whole life had he felt this much frustration before. Not even after hurting those he loved without meaning to. It was a whole new experience to be... this _weak_.

The raven´s eyes casted down as he heard the answer. The blond sighed.

"No… actually, it´s not you that´s frustrating. It´s me." He couldn´t blame Izaya for this.

Said raven glanced up once more, meeting the blond´s eyes.

"What do you mean?" No, he really couldn´t blame him.

He had enough burdens.

"You aren´t frustrating. What´s frustrating is that I don´t know how to help you. You just don´t act like you did before anymore, and I just don´t know what to do with you," he admitted; the raven was still listening.

Shizuo didn´t know if that was a smart thing to say. After all, so far he had been oh so sure that he could fix Izaya, that he could help, and that he would make everything better somehow- and now?

He had to admit that Izaya was right all the while. He had gotten angry at Izaya saying that he didn´t understand and that he couldn´t help, when actually he had been right all along.

He really _didn´t_ understand.

"It´s frustrating to know that I can´t help you right away," he mumbled, while Izaya could just looked at the blond in front of him.

Was this really Shizu-chan?

The violent Shizu-chan?

The Shizu-chan that never listened to him? That always got mad?

The words he spoke now were so surreal to hear from his lips.

"But one thing I´m sure about," the blond went on, snapping Izaya out of his thoughts, "is that if you don´t stop wracking that head of yours about how you can be happy or how you can stop feeling that way, you won´t progress at all. So stop thinking about these things; just leave the thinking to me."

...

Leave the thinking to him, huh?

An amoeba?

Then again, he had been thinking enough, and hadn´t gotten any useful result.

"... maybe you are right. Sounds nice to stop thinking," he found himself mumbling- he knew he was just digging his grave deeper here.

But Shizu-chan almost smiled.

He was relieved.

...

"Let´s go downstairs." Taking a step backwards, Shizuo was back in the bedroom, leaving the raven to blink.

"To do what?"

"Cook and clean that water up." Izaya blinked.

Right.

The teakettle fell down before.

After Shizu-chan...

...

One step after another, he followed the blond out of his room.

He didn´t want to ask. He really didn´t.

Because... the answer he got was only going to hurt.

So maybe... maybe he could pretend.

Maybe... just a little.

Haha... he was desperate, he knew it.

He felt like he was clinging to a straw.

But it was a straw at least.

In this dark ocean.

Was it really that wrong to hope that maybe that blond, who always did unexpected or ridiculous things, could do something about this that Izaya hadn´t thought of yet..?

He knew he would only get hurt.

But ... for once...

Again, his thumb brushed over the fabric on his arm.

Right now, he felt kind of okay. He knew he was lying to himself. Pretending something that wasn´t true.

After all, Shizu-chan didn´t feel anything for him.

But it felt good... to pretend.

He stepped into the kitchen. Shizu-chan was just wiping up the floor.

And then the doorbell rang.

Izaya had really forgotten about what he had planned.

And now it was coming to get him at the worst time.

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of chapter 25 C:
> 
> Yes, yes you might kill me now C: xDDD There is something up haha But it will trigger quite the cute things, so~ C;
> 
> See you next time xD I hope you liked this chapter C: Nothing spectacular happened there, but I felt like I had to have them just talk for a while now C: And hey, Izaya did come to the conclusion that he could lean on Shizu-chan~ C;
> 
> Well then, sorry for being a tad late again C: Now I will update regularly again cx tho I will mention up ahead, that on sunday the 10th I won´t be able to update C: I will be on holiday, in Turkey for a week xD And considering how the wifi usually sucks balls I probably literally wouldn´t be able to post anyway xD
> 
> Other than that I will update every sunday tho *0*
> 
> I hope you liked this chappy C:
> 
> See you next sunday~!
> 
> Oh and also, I found some really awesome stories to read *-* aww I just adore her writing to be honest- maybe it´s just my opinion, but her writing really impressed me a great deal-
> 
> Please give this magnificent author some love~! She deserves it!
> 
> Riri1342- I tell you , she has seriously some talent there. *0* She wrote two stories, "The white king." and "Poles apart."
> 
> AND OMG
> 
> She has written one of the best SMUT scenes I have read in my life *^* I would even go and say it was the most erotic one I ever read- xD Seriously, she has a talent for the juicy parts~ xD And the poles apart story is just- aw damn. I love it. The angst, the tension, the confusedness of both omg
> 
> Shizaya of course xD
> 
> You gotta check her out *0*
> 
> Well then xD
> 
> See you next sunday~!


	27. ஜ Evil Schemes ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to chapter 26 *^*
> 
> And SO SORRY for being so late ;^; Seriously sorry ;A; I took so long hnnn gomen :C
> 
> A couple of things came together and yaaahh- basically I was in turkey and the internet sucked so bad and I could neither access the fanfiction page, nor even send e-mail. So I kinda really was rendered unable to send my beta anything or update my profile. T-T And when I was home hnnnnnn oh well- Life happens xDD
> 
> But now xD Now I'm back C: And the update is even slightly longer than usual cx
> 
> Thank you very much for correcting Soylentramen!! *^*^*^*
> 
> Well then, enough rambling for now C: Do read the end note though, I have a little surprise for chu xD
> 
> Enjoy~! *0*

 

 

 

 

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Izaya´s point of view-**

He had forgotten. Completely.

It wasn´t as if he didn´t know what was going on when Shizuo opened the door, and it wasn´t like he didn´t know what the police wanted in here, but he had really forgotten about it up until that point.

The point where Shizuo asked them why they were here.

Really now… for once, only for once in his life he wished he weren´t the cause of something.

"Heiwajima Shizuo, we have to ask you to come with us." One of the police officers approached the blond, visibly shaking- it seemed he knew the fortissimo all too well.

Then again, who didn´t in Ikebukuro or Shinjuku?

The reaction wasn´t anything new.

"Huh?" The frown that had appeared on Shizuo´s face deepened.

He was confused, he didn´t do anything, did he?

"What for?" A suddenly feeling of dread filled him as the possibility having hurt someone without realizing it popped up in his mind.

But that wasn´t it-

"Your brother has been determined as the one pulling the strings behind the secret drug dealings and having connections to the yakuza."

...

_Huh?_

Confusion spread through the blond´s features as he took in what the police officer had said just now.

Kasuka?

Dealing drugs?

"My brother would never do that, what the hell are you talking about?" The frown that had been resting on his forehead was only growing deeper and deeper upon mentioning his little brother´s name-

mentioning his little brother -

What the hell were they saying?

"Regardless of whether you believe us, packages filled with amphetamines were delivered to various customers in Ikebukuro last night, including this apartment."

Should he throw a knife at them? Izaya wondered about it for a second. It was the only thing that came to mind as that man continued to ramble, giving out unnecessary information. But then he remembered he didn´t have any on him right now.

None.

Because Shizu-chan had cleared them all away.

"We were given a tip and were therefore able to catch your brother red-handed while tracing the rest of the deliveries. You should have received a delivery earlier."

And suddenly the mailman popped up in Izaya´s mind again.

He had. Of course.

After all, Izaya was the one who sent one to himself so he wouldn´t be suspected.

Dread was closing in on him more and more.

It felt like you were about to witness a disaster, yet you couldn´t do anything about it.

An unpleasant feeling.

"A tip? Who gave you that?" The blond hadn´t connected the dots.

Yet.

Really… just for once.

"We don´t know the name, just that he seems to be an informant of the yakuza."

"You-" And then Shizu-chan turned around.

There it was…

The moment the word "informant" slipped off the officer´s lips, Izaya knew it was over. The stare Shizu-chan gave him told him the blond had figured out everything.

He had messed up, hadn´t he?

He asked Celty to deliver these packages; he stole the drugs from the yakuza and framed Kasuka for selling them. He had done pretty well at pulling it off- all for one single goal.

The same goal he always had.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!" Shizu-chan barked; he was furious. He glared at him like he wanted him to drop dead right where he stood. Just like always, right?

"Shizuo Heiwajima, we need you to come with us as a possible accomplice of-"

"WHY?!" Shizu-chan wasn´t even listening to the police officers anymore.

Instead, he was just glaring at Izaya.

His fists were tightened, and to be honest, Izaya was just waiting to be punched again.

As furious as he was, he deserved it.

But he had achieved his goal, hadn´t he?

Shizu-chan hated him. Right now, he even looked like he was about to yell that he was going to kill him again.

Pure anger.

Hatred.

He despised him.

Just as he planned. He had planned it all the while, before all of this happened.

He wanted exactly this to happen. To make sure that brute would hate his guts.

Before Shizu-chan stated he was going to stop the fights, before all of this ever happened… he had set this plan into motion to make sure he would hate him for all eternity.

So why?

Why did it _hurt_ now to know that Shizu-chan was angry at him? That he hated him?

It was the same fury he always had in his eyes, the same glare, and yet Izaya felt as though it was different this time.

Why? Why did it not elevate him this time?

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" he was still yelling. The police officers were trying to calm him down, shouting something about having to take him with them by force if needed, since he was suspected of helping his brother-

But he was only yelling.

"WHY?!"

Barking. Like a dog.

Barking just as loud as he did when that mailman had come before.

Looking like he had looked at Namie when she came for her paycheck.

And now it was directed at him. That glare.

That anger.

That _hatred_.

...

"Ne, Shizu-chan, do you hate me now?" The blond blinked, rage still clouding his mind as he stared at the flea in front of him. He was wearing a fucking grin.

A fucking ass smirk. A smirk like he always did, and Shizuo just saw red.

The police officer that had tried to grab hold of Shizuo´s arm was pushed into the wall- the other freezing in fear as the blond stomped towards the flea.

Izaya didn´t even dodge.

Before he knew it, a strong, brutish hand had grabbed the hem of his shirt and flung him into the bookshelf-

Various books fell out of the shelf, hitting the raven´s and blond´s heads. He didn´t complain, he didn´t flinch.

He had caused this… hah, again. He had thought-

What had he even thought?

The fist around his collar tightened; the blond was screaming at him, questions and accusations, violently mad.

He didn´t hear them, really.

A fist was raised, but he barely even took notice of it.

He had fucked up.

He had destroyed everything. He had…

Fuck... why? Why did he do that?

He really thought…

He honestly… had thought that maybe the blond would be able to do something, he had understood him; for the first time in his life, he had felt that someone really got him. Shizu-chan had been trying so hard.

All along.

And now?

He destroyed it.

There was a limit. A limit to how forgiving Shizu-chan could be.

The fist was raised, the police officers yelled, they were even pointing guns at the brute. Heh… it was like always.

He finally achieved what he wanted. Shizu-chan hated him again. Hated him enough to want to kill him again. He could see it in his eyes. It was what he always asked for, right? His hatred.

Yet he felt like he couldn´t swallow.

Suffocating.

It was what he always wanted, no? The only thing he ever wanted.

And he couldn´t help but force a smile. Force it.

He tried as hard as he could.

It was the most difficult smile he ever had to muster.

Because for once… really for once… he thought something could change.

"Seems everything is back to normal." It was barely a whisper that left the flea´s lips. It sounded choked.

So quiet, Shizuo didn´t catch it entirely at first.

His mind was still way too clouded with rage.

"Huh!?" But then the last words he had caught took shape in his mind.

Back to normal.

_Normal_.

It was only then that he paused, that he heard the police officers behind him.

Back to normal.

And suddenly, Shizuo´s expression dropped.

The rage disappeared once more though, he didn´t let the raven down or lower his fist yet.

…

"What´s wrong with you?" Another stab.

Izaya tilted his head slightly, looking at the brute.

Heh.

What was wrong with him indeed? He wouldn´t be able to tell.

He didn´t even know. He didn´t know why this was hurting so much right now. Why he was caring so much about how Shizu-chan hated him now. How he looked at him.

He had become foolish.

Too dependent, maybe?

Had he seriously considered Shizu-chan helping him? Had he become used to that new Shizu-chan staying with him 24/7 – he didn't know. He couldn´t tell.

All he knew was that he felt like something was being torn apart and being ripped to shreds inside.

Had he trusted him? He didn't know. Maybe he had. Did he believe in him? He didn´t know.

All he knew was that it hurt to think about it.

It strained him to even say anything at the moment.

But he did still.

He had to.

He didn´t even know what to say.

"I wonder about that. Guess you will never find out. Why even. Don´t give a shit, just end it already. Since Shizu-chan is a monster, Shizu-chan should be able to do it." What was he even saying? He couldn´t make sense of his own words anymore.

He had no plan behind it. He didn´t think any more about what Shizu-chan would answer or about what he would say in return.

"After all, he hates me so much~!" He was laughing.

It was all his fault.

He was to blame entirely.

He was laughing with all his might. He didn´t know what else to do.

He never learned how to deal with emotions. Emotions made humans weak.

Emotions were useless, not helping, just burdening.

They were irrational, causing him to do and say things that made no logical sense.

He hated it all.

He hated it.

He couldn´t stand it.

"Heiwajima-san-" It was one of the police officers who had called the blond´s name.

"Get the fuck away from me." Dark. The words were barely whispered; they were dark and dangerous as the blond turned around. He had let go of the raven, though said man didn´t even seem to notice. His eyes were just resting on Shizuo, unfocused.

He didn´t seem to notice the police officers anymore.

Or maybe he just didn´t give a fuck about them.

One of the police officers raised a gun, aiming it at Shizuo´s face, but before he even had the guts to try and shoot, Shizuo had gripped the metal hard, cracking it in his fist as he threw it away-

The man paled, backing away as the blond started to approach him. They were police officers, alright, but even with all the guts they had, they weren´t interested in getting into a fight with the fortissimo of Ikebukuro.

They ran away. Before the blond could even throw one of them out of the apartment, they left on their own.

They would be returning later with more, Shizuo knew that, but right now, he couldn´t give less of a fuck about that. If needed, he would beat them all up.

Instead, he turned around again.

Facing that flea that was still standing there, frozen.

He didn´t know what to make of him anymore.

He had seen so many sides of him by now.

He had seen him as an asshole.

As a laughing maniac.

He had seen him cry, seen him break down.

He had seen how Izaya wasn´t the strong man he used to fight against anymore.

And now, he had seen a traitor. Yeah, he felt betrayed.

But he had also seen a kind side to him.

A scared side.

A scarred side.

A side that was just lonely and hurt enough for a hundred lives.

With slow steps, he approached the flea once more.

He didn´t know what to make of him right now.

"Ahah... what now? Want to kill me? For framing you again?" Izaya wasn´t looking at the brute. He didn´t want to.

"Why did you do that?"

… what a question.

Why was he even asking?

"Does it matter? I framed your brother. Yeah it was me. I hope you get now how stupid you were for whatever you were trying to do."

It really was stupid.

He must be feeling like an idiot for wasting his time with the raven. Foolish.

He told Shizu-chan all along that it was useless, that he didn´t even know what he was doing.

"Why?" He just kept asking.

He wanted a reason. What for, even? He had already shattered whatever there was before.

He had ruined everything, he had thrown away the chance he had. What use would it be to try and explain now?

"… for fun, of course! Just for my amusement, as always."

What did it even matter?

"Did you do it to make me hate you?"

The raven´s eyes widened.

Shizuo didn´t know what to make of him. But somewhere, he really hoped that he hadn´t been wrong all along. He wanted to believe in that 1%.

That one percent that he had seen when Izaya let down all his stupid masks and lies.

That one percent that he saw the night Izaya cried himself to sleep.

That one percent that he saw and heard when Izaya cried in the bathroom, when he thought that he really understood him for once.

He wanted to believe in it.

The raven was still staring at him with wide eyes. He looked confused, maybe just as much as Shizuo was himself.

Undoubtedly, he had done something that Shizuo usually would have beaten him up for. Something he would have chased him through the whole of Ikebukuro for and screamed at him that he was going to kill him one day.

"Did you do it to make me hate you?" He didn´t know where he got that idea from, but it sounded like the flea.

Because that´s what he always did.

And then they were there.

The tears.

Only slowly, they gathered inside his eyes before they dropped down his lashes.

His mouth stretched into a smile and he laughed, though the tears didn´t stop.

"Yeah, that´s right. It was just to annoy you, to make you destroy the city again like the monster you are." He seemed desperate.

He wanted to help him.

Still.

Even after what he pulled just now.

There was no way he could just leave him alone after all this.

"Izaya." The raven visibly flinched at hearing his own name. He couldn´t look at the blond anymore. He was scared of what he was going to hear, of what the blond was going to say.

He didn´t want to hear it.

He didn´t-

"Stop crying." And suddenly, there was an arm around his shoulder. And another, at the back of his head, pushing his face softly into a certain blond´s shoulder.

Hesitantly, he brought his hands up to Shizuo´s chest, pushing against it half-heartedly.

He was confused.

Was he trying to hug him…? To comfort him?

He couldn´t believe it.

Why?

Stop crying?

"Ahaha. What are you talking about, I´m not crying." He pushed harder, he didn´t understand what Shizu-chan was doing.

He just betrayed him. He framed his brother just like he framed him ages ago. It was what made him detest him this much in the first place, and yet-

He forced his lips into a smile once more, even though Shizu-chan wouldn´t be able to see it.

"I´m laughing, see? This was all just a game!"

"Stop."

The word was whispered quietly. Neither angry, nor annoyed. Calm.

"What do you want me to stop? Framing you and your family?" He already knew it wasn´t what the blond was talking about, but he couldn´t stop himself from saying bullshit.

"Stop pretending already, Izaya!" The hands wrapped around him in an awkward loose hug tightened slightly."I´m fucking sick of it. You can´t even stop crying, but still laugh as if you would be able to convince me that way. Please… just stop it."

…

The raven didn´t say anything.

"Please. I´m sorry, okay? I just got angry." Wordlessly, Shizuo let his fingers brush through the raven´s hair, soothingly.

He didn´t know what to do, and the hug was awkward as fuck, but he felt he needed to do something to make Izaya understand.

Truth to be told he wanted to just squeeze that stupid informant tightly and tell him everything was going to be okay. But he had a feeling he wouldn´t let him.

He would run away, withdraw.

Kind of like a cat would if you petted it the wrong way.

Those kind of words wouldn´t help him, either. That much he had figured out already.

"I didn´t want that to happen now." Although it was a quiet whisper, it was right next to Shizuo´s ear, making it possible for him to understand clearly nonetheless.

"I really didn´t know they were coming." Izaya´s voice sounded hoarse, choked. He was probably trying to hold back on showing any emotion.

"I mean, I planned for it initially, but I forgot." He sounded sorry.

"I didn´t want that to happen right now."

Desperate.

Shizuo could feel the wet tears stain his shirt.

"I believe you... so stop crying, please." He really believed him.

Because right now, he was showing that 1% again.

"Don´t you see it? I am an asshole!" he almost yelled. It sounded accusing of himself, and even though Shizuo already told Izaya to stop saying those things, knew he wasn´t doing it to make him mad right now.

Not while leaning on his shoulder to cry.

"You were always right when you said you hated me enough to kill me! You are supposed to hate me!" He just let him blurt everything out.

Interrupting or asking him anything wouldn´t get him any further.

"So that was meant to make me hate you more." It was a statement. Something that he had understood.

Silence followed.

"Izaya. I already know that you are somewhat obsessed with me, but that… really, why are you so obsessed with me hating you?"

He didn´t understand. He really didn´t. Being hated wasn´t a nice feeling, no matter how he looked at it.

So why? He didn´t get it at all-

But he knew that it seemed to be important to the flea.

"I´m not going to go away."

He wasn´t. This just now had been a fluke.

An accident. He wouldn´t leave the flea alone. He said he was going to help him.

And that´s exactly what he was going to do now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued~
> 
> hehehe~ C:
> 
> Well then, noone expected that to be the police did you? xDDD Haha and nuh uh that package last time wasn´t just a -let´s break the kiss scene- thingy xD It was a drug package *0* xDD
> 
> Anyway, I hope chu liked this chapter C: Even with the awkward hug xD
> 
> And noooooowwww, I got some news for you *0*
> 
> I will be starting another two stories *^* xD
> 
> Now before people say this is a bad idea since then it´s 6 ongoing stories in total, no worries C:
> 
> I will be updating 3 stories each weekend. As you can see on my profile (where I will always post which chapters are coming out)
> 
> Next Sunday (24th.6.2016), I will update "The wish to disappear" 27, "Sinful desire" chapter 1 and "Survival of the doomed" 10
> 
> Together! with the PICTURE of twtd chapter 1 xD I didn´t forget haha nuh worries~ you will be getting the art I promised C: I hope it won´t disappoint you though x'D Giving my best here xD
> 
> And the following Sunday (31st.6.2016) I will update "No escape" 8, "Behind closed doors" 10 and "A single touch" chapter 1 *0* together with "I want to stay with you forever" chapter 38, the sexy chapter~ C; C; C; C; C;
> 
> The Sunday after that (7th.7.2016) I will update "The wish to disappear" 28, "Sinful desire" 2 and "Survival of the doomed" 11 C;
> 
> And so on
> 
> So basically I will always update 3 stories each Sunday C: And maybe an extra one shot or picture additionally, depends C: 4 updates a week were kinda a bit stressy to pull off for a long time span so I decided to settle for this instead C;
> 
> Also this way actually leaves me a lot more time to think about the actual plot, I mean I have 14 days from now on, like wow, if I get stuck I need not worry cuz the next update is only set in 14 days xD I need this especially since I´m slowly but surely getting drained for spontaneous idea for Twtd and No escape xD
> 
> Moreover, I was just BURNING to write those two other stories xDDDD With all these dark stories, I was craving to write some smut xDD So hey~ If you miss the sexy times too you might like the "Sinful desire"~ C; xD And also, I kept getting ideas for "A single touch" (the rape story that was in my poll) so I just figured, if I´m already writing at it anyway I might as well post it xD
> 
> So hey~ Long author´s not is long xD
> 
> See you next Sunday C;


	28. ஜ Explanation time ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to chapter 27 *^*
> 
> Just a quick reminder, this is updating every second week now, so I will see you next time in chapter 28 on Sunday the 7th C; 3
> 
> Now now- this chapter hasn´t been corrected yet either uwahh- Gomene ;-; I hope my mistakes won´t kill your poor eyes xD
> 
> xDDDDDD
> 
> Well then, let´s not hold you up any longer xD
> 
> Enjoy~!

  


-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Shizuo´s point of view-**

"... let´s just get this straight okay?" The raven blinked, one, two tear drops dripping from his eyes as he let his forehead rest on the blond´s shoulder.

It was awkward. It wasn´t anything he had ever expected the brute to do nor was it anything he wanted. But it also was comforting in a strange way. Even though he wanted to do nothing more than move away and just be left alone, he found himself craving the touch.

"Straight?" he mumbled, not quite understanding what the blond was talking about. He still felt those fingers thread through his hair in a soothing manner, felt the heartbeat against his chest and listened to the even breathing. For a single moment Izaya found himself wishing for things to just to stay the way they were right now, forgetting about whatever happened before.

He wondered how it was possible for Shizu-chan to remain so calm. To not flip out after what he had done just now.

...

He had to accept it hadn´t he? Shizu-chan had improved his self control, had improved dealing with emotions while his own control was going down the gutter.

"You caused and planned all this, right? That means you can clear it up too, so let´s just go to the police station."

… _clear it up, huh?_

He certainly was someone able to do that. After all, he had been the one who actually started all this.

Izaya nodded, softly, but didn´t move away yet. The blond didn't move either.

He wondered how Shizu-chan could trust him like this- after all, he was expecting him to really clear this up wasn´t he? He didn´t sound like he doubted the raven would do what he asked him to. Or that he would instead pull something new on him, plan for something else.

Certainly Izaya didn´t have the intention to do so at the moment at all.

But he still wondered how Shizu-chan could be that trusting towards someone like him.

Shizu-chan really was giving him too much credit here.

"Come on, let´s go," he mumbled, finally pulling away from the raven as he turned towards the door- Slowly Izaya nodded, somehow missing the warmth of that touch.

He really wondered why things were so off at the moment. He didn´t feel like resisting either- odd considering how he had done the opposite until now.

Without saying another word he got his coat, Shizu-chan putting on his bartender vest as they left the apartment.

The police station wasn´t far from Izaya´s place, actually it was just a few corners away. Of course that was no coincidence. At the time Izaya searched for a safe secret apartment he particularly looked for one that wouldn´t be too far from such an institution. After all, even if the really bad guys wouldn´t give a shit about the police, he definitely wouldn´t have to stress over the usual scum to lurk around his apartment in case they ever found it.

Now that he thought about it, he did wonder how the police knew where Shizu-chan was- it must have been Namie after all. He could imagine her all too well, going down the streets, meeting some officers and casually hinting that he might be in this certain apartment.

Of course it must have been her- no one else knew after all.

Strange-

He would have never thought things would develop like this. He never thought his schemes would come back to bite him in the ass either.

"Ne uhm..." the blond mumbled next to him, making the raven snap out of his thoughts as he glanced at the blond.

"... I don´t know how to put it... just stop thinking about whatever, okay?" the raven blinked at the odd request.

"What do you mean?" The blond sighed. As expected the flea didn´t even notice. They were barely out on the streets for 5 seconds and he was already wearing that -I´m deep in thoughts- expression. He didn´t even say anything about him holding his hand, in case he decided to take off, either.

Shizuo wasn´t even sure if he noticed.

Sure it was also kinda easy to take care of the flea then, because he didn´t need to worry that he would try to run away again like he had tried several times when he found out about this, but whenever that flea thought about something it only lead to him being more sad.

"Just stop, okay," he mumbled already seeing the police station ahead and subconsciously squeezed the hand a bit.

He didn´t know why, but somehow he felt responsible for the flea. Like he was his to protect from others as well as himself. It was a strange thought indeed. As the doors to the police office opened he let go of the raven´s hand.

The police officers were still searching for him after all.

"Heiwajima Shizuo-!" almost instantly everyone´s eyes were on him as he entered the room. An officer that was sitting at the entrance dropped his phone in the middle of speaking and various officers pulled out their guns, almost all screaming at once at him to not resist and let himself be arrested.

Shizuo sighed, not really surprised nor caring about it and raised his hands- even though that made the officers just flip out more.

"Actually, I came to clear up a misunderstanding." It was the flea who had said those words. A bit surprised Shizuo watched him as he seemed to calm everyone down with his words alone.

He always wondered how he could appear so calm and superior no matter the situation.

"Misunderstanding?" One of the officers had lowered the gun, walking to Izaya instead.

"You are Izaya Orihara right? I know how infamous you are. So you have some information on this drug deal?" the raven nodded.

"Indeed I have. Kasuka Heiwajima isn´t the culprit. Someone just made it look that way on purpose to soil his fame." Shizuo rose an eyebrow at the way Izaya put it. Someone had made it look that way, hm?

"Yeah we already figured as much. Heiwajima Kasuka could show us an e-mail that he received. It told him to go to the place of the deal. You have more information that that?"

Again a nod.

"Then if you would follow me in here."

Almost instantly the blond was next to the raven´s side again.

"Follow in where?" With wary eyes he looked at the officer who immediately seemed to shrink under the blond´s stare.

"This interrogation room. We have to talk to him alone." A soft growl resounded from the blond´s throat as he glared at the officer. He didn´t like the idea of leaving Izaya out of sight at all-

Not at all.

Izaya blinked and turned towards the blond, wanting to say how it was okay to leave him here and that he wouldn´t run away. He really didn´t feel like it at the moment, as odd as it sounded.

But then he realized that it would be better if the blond didn´t trust him yet.

"Is there a second door in there?" Another question by the blond.

"What? No."

Now that Izaya thought of it, it was weird wasn´t it? It had been just a few days, and yet, now that he thought back, he didn´t feel the way he did before anymore.

Alone, when Namie had left the apartment when he took those pills, long before he met Shizu-chan in the streets, everything was just too much and before in the bathroom, crashing the mirror, he simply felt overwhelmed by the confusion Shizuo´s actions had caused and his own emotions.

But now?

He didn´t feel the need to run away. Almost the opposite. Something about this protozoan just made him feel... okay, in a sense.

… was it weird that it felt odd to be separated from the blond now? Had he really gotten this used to his presence in just a mere 3 days?

"... okay then." Noticing that he hadn´t paid any attention at all to what Shizu-chan had said and what the officer had asked he snapped his eyes back to the blond as he finally gave in with a sigh.

As if on cue Shizuo looked at the raven.

"I will wait here as long as you are in there," he announced. The raven nodded solemnly, still in thoughts as he followed the officer inside. After all, he had to clear some things up now- and with that he disappearing behind that door.

With a sigh and thud Shizuo let himself slump down into one of those waiting seats. He glanced to the side, noticing how a few of the other officers were still staring at him.

"What?" But he didn´t even get any answer as the men immediately scrammed. the only guy still left was the one behind the counter and he was obviously trying hard to not irritate the blond.

Shizuo couldn´t care less though, his thoughts were somewhere else entirely now anyway.

Izaya was in there now, talking to that officer and clearing up whatever he had been planning before.

Or not.

Shizuo had put his trust into that 1% Izaya had once asked him to believe in- though who was to say he wouldn´t decide differently?

Whatever was going on in Izaya´s mind, wasn´t anything that the blond really understood, but one thing he had gotten already- sometimes Izaya would just act on impulse, and whenever he did that it was withdrawing he replied with. Frustration. Irrational actions.

It was so similar to his own behavior that Shizuo couldn´t even be mad at him for it.

Punching the mirror, running in front of that truck, shoving down that meal even though he couldn´t take it yet- they were all irrational, hasty, Izaya didn´t think about them he just acted on ... instinct?

Almost like Shizuo when he got mad at those assholes. He would fling a vending machine at them before even stopping to think about what that action could cause afterwards, or about the damage it would do.

And that´s why he was worried about what exactly the raven would do in there at the moment.

He had no clue what was going on in his head right now. Hell Shizuo didn´t even know if the flea still wanted to ditch his own life as bad as he wanted to the first time he saw him.

Maybe he had stopped thinking about it all that much, maybe not, maybe he had just been waiting for a chance, a slip on Shizuo´s side, to get away.

In there he could lie all he wanted to those officers, he could try getting them to arrest Shizuo, try to immobilize him just so long as he would need to get away, to do what he had been intending to.

Even if Shizuo wasn't anyone that could be taken down easily like that, there was the possibility Izaya might just slip away.

And then there was this tiny spark of hope, that made Shizuo sit down and wait for the flea. That little ray of hope that said, hey, maybe he stopped thinking about it. Maybe what you tried these past days helped him somehow after all.

And then there was this other voice nagging at him, asking him why he even tried so _hard_ for someone he obviously _hated_ his whole life long...

"That was Izaya Orihara wasn´t it?" Startled Shizuo´s eyes widened and he snapped his head towards the source of the voice.

"Kasuka..." his little brother was sitting next to him- when did he get here? He hadn´t noticed at all.

"Why are you here together with him Nii-san? I thought you hated him?" Looking at him with those emotionless eyes he asked the question. Why he was here-

For a second Shizuo felt tempted to tell his brother. Maybe even to ask him, even if he was probably the last person that could tell him anything about emotions-

For a moment he just wanted someone to listen to him, but then he hesitated. He couldn´t do that sort of thing. He would be betraying Izaya by telling wouldn´t he? And also... it felt plain wrong.

Just saying that he convinced Izaya to clear this misunderstanding up would cause more questions, and he didn´t feel like answering any of these would leave him without feeling he was doing something wrong.

"Sorry Kasuka, I made a promise to not tell anyone." The younger brother just kept staring at him, showing no expression- not even surprise.

"It´s nothing that will get you in trouble?" he asked with the same tone as before- someone else might have taken his way of talking as a sign of disapproving or anything, but really, Kasuka just was like that. He wasn´t even the kind to jump to conclusions, he just accepted facts.

The blond shook his head.

"No it won´t." feeling like he made the right choice after all something else caught his attention now.

"Wait, how come they let you go already?" After all, Izaya was only now in there to explain what actually happened, he kind of expected Kasuka to be in custody like he had been a dozen times before.

"I showed them the message I got that made me go there. They don´t have any other proof I´m connected to this incident."

"... I see." it was really that easy?

Suddenly a guy came out of another door in the room, squealing over something he saw on his phone.

"Kasuka-kun, we have to leave now! This scandal caused a huuuge commotion! Dozens of channels want live shows now with you in it!" All the blond could do was blink at that- he guessed that guy was some sort of manager. Why was he so happy though that Kasuka almost got arrested? Crazy man.

"Bye Nii-san." The blond blinked looking at his little brother as he got up and walked over to the strange guy.

"Ah, see you."

And so he was there again, all alone, waiting for that flea to come out.

Really now, he seriously needed a smoke once they were done here.

He just hoped he could trust Izaya.

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of chapter 27 C:
> 
> haha, now now, I guess you wonder what Izaya is going to do~ or maybe you don´t cuz you already have an idea xD oh well, either way, next time is gonna be a sweetie chappy C: With lots of love 3 heheheheheh
> 
> So see you on Sunday the 7th *0*0*0*0* and don´t forget *^* "Sinful Desire" the incubus story is being updated in a few hours *0*0*0*0*
> 
> I decided to make it a little longer since it´s the first chapter so i might be a tiny winy bit late with that one xD Just a few hours tho haha
> 
> And ALSO  
> Check out my AO3 account! I updated the promised picture or twtd chapter 1 there *0* For all those that don´t know, it´s in the " Story pictures & stuff C: C;" story xD
> 
> I hope you like it ;/; xD
> 
> Well then, with that being said, see you in 14 days *0*0*0*


	29. ஜ Aftermath ஜ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to chapter 28 *^*
> 
> Sorry for being late gosh- I returned from Croatia and just didn´t get it done any earlier xD Gomene
> 
> next chappy will be there punctual on 21st August C: 3
> 
> Now, this chappy isn´t corrected yet- since I only finished it today x'D But I didn´t wanna make chu wait any longer so here I am xD As long as my mistakes don´t kill you feel free to read xD
> 
> now then, Sinful Desire 2 will follow tomorrow for SURE! Gomen for that one also ;A;
> 
> xD but now to this chapter xD
> 
> Enjoy~!

  


-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Shizuo´s point of view-**

Uneasy the blond waited for the flea. It´s been hours since he went in there.

Two to be precise.

What the hell were they even talking about for so long?

He didn´t like waiting in general, but waiting without knowing what exactly was going on inside that room annoyed him even more.

He didn´t expect those people to say anything to the flea that would make him look that way again, but he still felt uneasy leaving the louse out of sight for too long.

Two hours had already passed when he glanced at the door, finally moving.

A police officer stepped out of the room, the raven following close behind.

"I cleared everything up. They know now it wasn´t your brother," the raven stated immediately when he caught the blond´s glance. A glare had already settled on the brute´s expression- it wasn't directed at him though, but rather at the officers.

"Okay. And you?" Shizuo couldn´t help but think that somehow the flea looked paler than before. It might just be his imagination though.

Within a second he had stood up and walked to the flea´s side.

The raven rose an eyebrow, obviously a bit confused by the question. After all, this whole thing wasn´t about him but Shizu-chan´s brother.

"You alright?"

...

Alright huh? That blond was really something unpredictable. He had went in there, thinking that after clearing up what he had done Shizu-chan would have had enough of him. After all he betrayed him.

He wouldn´t even blame him for leaving after solving everything...

And yet…

"I´m okay." He was still staying with him wasn´t he?

Hah... odd how he didn´t think of that as a bad thing.

The blond still wore the angry expression that had settled on his face, looking at the officers.

Shizuo already felt like kicking those guy´s faces in- he should have just went with him after all.

"They took so long, the hell did they want?" He swore if they said or did anything to make his efforts go to waste he would murder them. But the raven just shook his head.

"No, it´s not their fault, it´s mine."

_Huh?_

"How so?" The raven shrugged, to be honest Izaya didn´t really know himself what was wrong.

"I don´t know. I had a bit trouble remembering everything I had planned and who did what and all those details." Certainly things like these had never happened to him before. "It took a while till I had everything sorted out. The past days were being a bit hazy too, I don´t know. It´s just... everything a bit too much right now." For a moment the informant waited, realizing that he might have said too much.

Since when did he get so revealing? He would almost say he rambled.

But no further questions or statements followed.

He glanced at the blond- and Shizu-chan was indeed looking at him for a couple seconds, but turned his glance away when his eyes met the raven´s.

"I see." It was all that left the blond´s lips as he made his way to the entrance. The raven followed close behind. Somehow even though he wanted to know what that blond was thinking, he was glad he didn´t say anything.

It was weird, but like this, walking behind the blond, having that hand search for his own again to make sure he wouldn´t run away still- wasn´t exactly something he hated anymore.

And it scared him.

He wasn´t supposed to hold on to any stupid feelings anymore and yet he found himself simply _enjoying_ the blond´s presence. It was scary as fuck.

Because that monster would leave again for sure. Once Izaya managed to convince him he wasn't going to throw himself of a building the second he left him alone, he would leave again.

For sure.

And yet he couldn't help but imagine what it would be like if things had always been that way. But that would only end up hurting him more.

He knew.

And yet he couldn´t help it. He was living in a daydream, pretending things that weren´t true. Because it was what he could do best.

Pretend.

Lie to others.

Lie to himself.

He loved him, he couldn´t deny it, it only hurt to think about and he hated him for it.

"They don´t suspect you now though, do they?" The raven blinked, not having seen the question coming. They had already stepped out of the office. The sun was setting- he had been in there pretty long huh?

"Me?" The blond nodded, pulling out a single cigarette from his pocket.

"Well you did clear up that it wasn´t Kasuka right? Who else did you say it was?" A lighter was flicked and the orange flame burnt the end of the anticipated cigarette.

He had needed that one for a long time now. Exhaling the smoke he glanced at the flea once more who just shrugged at his question.

"No one. I simply gave them proof that it couldn´t possibly have been your brother. They don´t have any other suspects anymore, so the case is going to be stored somewhere and will be forgotten about." The blond tugged the cigarette out, blinking softly.

"It´s that easy?" The raven nodded.

"It´s what happens to all cases without any suspects or evidence left."

The blond hummed, watching the people on the streets stroll around as he took another soothing breath of nicotine.

It was afternoon. People were busily running up and down the streets. Some high schoolers gathered to meet up in front of a cafe.

It was rather peaceful actually.

"Ah, we didn´t get to eat did we?" Sudden realization hit him as his stomach softly growled for not being fed since the morning.

The raven close to smiled at the grumbling noise and nodded.

"I could stomach some Ootoro I guess." Almost delighted the blond looked at the flea.

To be honest he had expected something like- I´m not hungry, or I don´t want anything- so he was actually happy the flea just agreed with him like that.

"You sure you can stomach the raw fish though?" he inquired, a bit worried about the louse after all. He didn´t want to make him feel worse by him trying to do more than he actually could in his state.

He had already seen enough of that-

"I don´t plan on eating tons of it. But yeah I believe I can." Shizuo smiled.

Somehow things were getting better, right?

Whatever he did it must have worked at least somehow if it made Izaya agree with him and not try to run away. he was glad.

Really glad. His hold on the raven´s hand squeezed just slightly. He was so cold- whenever he grasped that hand it seemed like the flea was freezing and that even though he was wearing that silly coat.

Walking right next to the raven he glared at everyone that sent them any weird stares for walking hand in hand like that. He already knew how to scare people away with just a glance- and he really didn´t want anyone to remind Izaya of anything disturbing.

Everywhere people were rummaging around, going on with their daily lives and the nearer they got to Simon´s, the busier it seemed to become.

No more words were exchanged. But it was a comfortable silence that wrapped around the two of them. Not one where neither knew what to say or with an unspoken argument in the air, no. A silence that simply spent comfort in a soothing way.

It didn´t take long for them to reach their destination. The Russian man´s voice could be heard from afar, trying to lure customers inside his sushi restaurant.

The blond glanced at the flea, only to have him look back at him as he softly let go of his hand.

"You won´t run away right now, will you?" he mumbled, figuring that the rumors Izaya had mentioned last time had bothered him after all.

After everything that happened because of it… be it whatever he had been about to do in the kitchen or what happened in the bathroom then, he certainly had figured out that it had to have to do something with these rumors Izaya mentioned.

So right now, at least while they were going to Simon´s- he wanted to put his faith in the flea to stay. For the sake of Simon not questioning anything.

The flea blinked for a moment, obviously surprised, then tilted his head with an unreadable expression.

"Who knows?" The blond frowned just the slightest bit, but the flea didn't run. He just kept walking next to him. It made him want to simply take the hand again, but for now he would leave him be.

It only took seconds for the two to approach the Russian man.

Way better than Shizuo had imagined him to, Izaya smiled at Simon, acting as if everything were just as usual.

"Hey, Simon." Really. He wondered just why the flea always had to hide himself like that... how he could even pull it off.

"What are you doing here?" The rash words made him snap out of his thought, tearing his stare away from the flea for once to actually look at the man.

He was… glaring?

"Eating Otooro, as usual." It was Izaya who had responded, still wearing the smile he had set up.

The Russian man crossed his arms however, his frown never disappearing from his face speaking in his deep tone.

"You aren´t welcome here."

_What?_

Shizuo frowned, taking a step forward.

"What are you talking about Simon? You always let the flea eat here." Even when Izaya pulled all kinds of stunts on him Simon was always saying how they should stop fighting and make up with sushi- why the change?

"Спасибо, за пакет." The blond frowned when unfamiliar words reached his ears that without a doubt were aimed at the flea.

He glanced at the said raven, whose smile had dropped just the slightest bit.

Well, Shizuo didn´t know what Simon had said, but it couldn´t be that bad right?

"Simon come on," he tried once more, only to see the flea turn around and walk away.

"I got it." It was all that left the raven´s lips as he moved away from the restaurant.

"Oi-" the blond was confused.

"Shizuo, why are you with him? Did he drag you into something?" Drag?

The blond frowned. Yeah it certainly had to seem that way to anyone else.

It wasn´t the case though.

"No he didn´t." A frown was placed on his face but he couldn't exactly explain anything either- nor be mad at the Russian man. He didn´t now Russian, but he had to have a good reason to deny Izaya entry like that.

He turned around, following the flea as he walked away.

"Wait, Izaya."

The flea didn´t wait up though. He didn´t run away, but he didn´t stop either. The blond caught up with the raven quickly, walking next to the louse.

"What was that about?" The frown was still carved on his expression, Izaya was tempted to think Shizu-chan was worried about him.

A useless temptation. He didn´t deserve any worry for things that were his own fault.

It was all his fucking fault.

Really now... did he seriously give in to the thought that everything was going to be okay now since he cleared up that drug dealing case? Did he really think everything was going to be fine?

He was a fucking idiot.

"Simon got a drug package from me as well," he simply said it, easy like that. There was no use in trying to deny anything or hiding why Simon was so mad.

He didn´t bother to look at the blond either.

He didn´t want to see that disappointed expression again. He knew what he did was wrong. And he knew he should have just stopped with his stupid little plans.

He could have done so. Ages ago.

It wasn´t like it only started yesterday. This weird thing called depression or whatever. It´s been two months. Three maybe, there was no definite start.

He could have stopped at the beginning of it. Maybe in the middle, but he just did what he always did, more and worse until he made even someone like Simon mad at him.

No wonder Shinra didn´t speak with him anymore either. Sarcasm was pretty much the only thing he got from the doctor recently.

And so he waited. Wondering what Shizu-chan was going to say now.

But he didn´t say anything.

Hah, why would he?

It was his mess to deal with. He was at fault- who did he think he was expecting the brute to say something that would put him at ease?

It was disgustingly selfish.

Disgusting.

For a moment the way he had looked at himself in the mirror popped up in his mind.

He really had become disgusting. Inside out.

"What are you doing? Stop-" The raven blinked- not getting what Shizu-chan was talking about and raised his glance.

It was only when Shizuo pulled his arm away and bent it forward that he saw the red marks-

Ah… He didn´t notice.

The blond frowned, worry taking over as he just held onto the raven´s wrist. Red marks were screaming at him from dragging his nails across old cuts.

Izaya just seemed to drift away further and further the longer he kept silent.

Again- the brute was just not behaving the way he should.

Shizu-chan should be mad.

Izaya was sorry.

Sorry for everything. Sorry for that fucking excuse of a human he was.

Sorry for all of this happening. Yet he couldn´t do anything to change it anymore.

Shizu-chan should yell at him.

He messed everything up. It´s the only thing he could do.

"Ne, Shizu-chan, won´t you do me a favor and punch me in the face?" the words had slipped from his lips before he rally had the time to think about them. For a second he really hoped the blond would be mad enough to just do that. But of course that wasn´t the case...

"What? No!" Shizuo didn´t get it- He really didn´t. What the hell did Simon say to the flea? Why was he acting this way now?

"Too bad..." the sigh had left the flea´s lips. Quietly.

Shizuo didn't get it.

Once again he felt like he was lost.

He felt like he was missing a puzzle piece to understand- and Izaya was the one hiding it from him. He didn´t get it.

Was he feeling guilty?

Sad because Simon sent him away? Simon wasn´t a person to be mad for a long time. He would reconsider the next day for sure- after all everything he wanted was peace. And Shizuo sure as hell did a lot of stupid things too that caused the Russian man to be mad at him.

So what was it? And why did he scratch at those almost healed cuts? It had to hurt.

Burn.

Why did he want to hurt?

Why did he want Shizuo to punch him? He already suffered enough as it was, he could see it in his eyes, in the way he behaved the way his expressions changed and now he wanted him to add to the pain?

It was another thing he didn´t understand.

Because Izaya wouldn´t tell him.

...

"Why do you want me to hurt you...?" his brows were knitted in a frown when the flea met his glance. He just looked so lost. His mouth opened, almost seeming like he wanted to say something, but closed again.

Could he not tell? Or did he not want to?

He wanted to find out, to understand- and so he gripped the wrist a bit tighter, saying something that he knew wouldn´t be to the flea´s liking.

But he felt he had to.

"Show me those scars."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued
> 
> Now, now, that´s one bold request you got there Shizu-chan considering how Izaya reacted when you simply tried to "shower" him...
> 
> poor little flea ;-; he is so lost and guilty and thinking about all the wrong things again ;A; but no worries- next chapter, as well as the chapter after that things are gonna get really nice C: Even for the flea. Let´s say a new record for how happy Izaya gets will be made soon Cx
> 
> Well then and with that I leave now xD See you on sunday the 21st~!


	30. Pillow talk

**Welcome to chapter 29 *^***

**Gosh I stayed up forever to finish this- But hey!! I´m here now *0* xDD**

**Now now~**

**Now, on a side note, this chapter isn´t corrected yet ;A; Gomene, I hope my mistakes don´t kill you ;^;**

**And also, Imma reply to everyone else tomorrow morning!! xD**

**Enjoy~!**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**\--๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑--**

**ஜ Chapter 29: Pillow talk ஜ**

**\---Shizuo´s point of view---**  

“What? No-” Instantly the raven tugged his arm away from the blond- he didn't want him to see. Even if he had already caught a glance of what he had done to himself in various situations in the bathroom he didn´t want him to just look at him like this. 

He knew it probably didn´t make a lot of sense, because Shizu-chan had already seen most of them- he had seen them in the shower when he tried to strip him- he had seen some when he wrapped up his arm- he had even seen his left arm when he punched the mirror- and yet. 

He couldn´t bring himself to just let the blond stare at them. 

But Shizu-chan kept a firm grip on his wrist making it impossible to simply pull away. Where the hell did that even come from? 

"Shizu-chan let go-"

“What scares you so much about me seeing them?” His lips pressed onto each other tightly, not being able nor wanting to answer the question. The hand that grabbed his own held him tight, but it didn´t hurt. 

If Shizu-chan had just simply started doing as he liked and forced him to show him what he wanted Izaya felt he would have freaked out but like this- 

But for what purpose? 

“I won´t say anything you know.” Shizuo mumbled, softly, lowering his glance to the ground. He knew he wasn´t exactly asking Izaya something easy to do- but he couldn´t just continue like this without having a clue about anything. 

“… but you will think something.” It took a while until the words made sense in his mind. Think, huh?

“Don´t worry about what I think. I´m an amoeba, no?" he joked, trying to ease the tense situation at least a bit, after all... he didn't mean to hurt the raven in any way nor did he want to upset him. 

"Why do you even want to see them?" the raven whispered, quiet, but Shizuo couldn´t really answer that question it would only lead to more questions from Izaya's side and more arguments until he ended up saying the wrong thing again. 

He was sick of making everything so complicated when all he wanted was to help. 

"Please?" he asked once more, softly, almost as quiet as the flea did. 

He could almost see the way Izaya seemed to be torn between saying yes or no, and for a second Shizuo doubted he would actually do what he asked him for- that is until he moved his hand to his sleeve, slowly pulling it up. 

Izaya knew Shizu-chan would keep asking, but the way he was tiptoeing around him, he felt he had to give him at least a chance. 

Softly the blond let go of the raven´s arm, letting his palm trail over the uneven skin. He had already seen them once, but at that point he hadn´t looked at them for real he had been more concerned with Izaya and what was going on in his mind rather than what he was doing to himself. 

“Why do you need it?” It was a delicate question, he knew that and still, he needed the answer. 

The raven sighed, frowning the slightest bit. There was no use denying him the answer, Shizu-chan was trying so hard and getting frustrated over him shutting up like an oyster. 

Of all the things he wanted, he didn´t want to drag him down with himself. 

“I need it to feel I´m in control. To feel something other than ... pain... that is not modifiable. To distract me, I think.” 

Distract, huh? Somehow Shizuo felt he understood what the raven meant, in a weird sense. 

“… can´t you distract yourself with something else though?” To be honest the imagination of Izaya having to inflict physical pain on himself to distract himself from the mental one was something that was just too cruel- 

But the raven shook his head. 

“…not really. You are doing a better job at that than me to be honest.” A soft smile appeared on the raven´s lips, and even though Shizuo knew that he probably only put it on for him he was glad. 

 If he was doing a better job at it than Izaya, than that meant he was at least better than him inflicting physical pain. 

Letting his eyes trail down to the arm again he turned it, reading the word that had already caught his attention last time when Izaya punched the mirror. 

Hate. 

It was written across the skin in violent cuts. The word in itself already left a bitter taste on the blond´s lips and that even though he didn´t know the reason for it. 

“Why hate?” Izaya only shrugged, not giving an answer to his question. 

“Don’t want to tell me?” he shook his head. 

“Not really.” Shizuo couldn´t blame him. 

… 

He kind of felt like hugging that flea. 

Hugging him really tight and not let him go again. 

Really tight. And tell him everything was gonna be okay. But somehow he couldn´t bring himself to do it. He felt Izaya would just push him away and start avoiding him altogether again. 

“Kay. Just don´t run away again, okay?” if anything then that was the one thing he was most afraid of. That the raven got away somehow and then... 

“You pretty damn scared me when I thought you were going to escape.” The raven smiled a bit, pulling up the sleeve as Shizu-chan let go of the arm. 

“Really? That desperate to safe my sorry ass?” It was ridiculous and yet he couldn´t help but be amazed by how hard he tried. 

“Actually, yes.” Izaya lifted his face to look at the blond. 

“I still don´t get why you are so keen on this. I thought you hated me, how come?” The question was bugging him more than he would like to admit, not because he feared of being betrayed or anything, no, he already got that Shizu-chan seriously wanted him to get better, but why? 

Why. 

The blond shook his head softly though, seemingly pondering on the answer. 

“I don´t understand it myself. I just don´t want to imagine a world without you in it.” 

How could Shizu-chan say things like that so easily? 

“Don´t tell me you would miss a pain in the ass.” 

“I probably would.” 

Seriously. Shizuo was too nice for his own good. If he thought about it, about what he had done to him his whole life long- if he thought about all the problems he caused for him... it was unbelievable he just forgave him like this. 

Why? 

Because he was sick? Was that it? 

Probably... it would suit the blond to stick to morals and not kick someone when they were already down. 

 “I lie, I pretend, it´s nothing I can just stop doing, I´m used to it. You said yourself how frustrating I am. Makes me wonder even more why you keep dealing with me.” 

He hated frustrating the blond and yet he wanted him to actually stay. 

So why was he again and again repeating the reasons to the blond as to why he shouldn´t stay? 

It made no sense and yet- he only knew how to push people away it was what he had done his whole life long. 

“And what happened to your peace? I don’t know if you realized, but dealing with me like this won´t bring you any peace at all.” 

Shizuo sighed, frowning the slightest bit, but not annoyed no, thinking. 

You are not the only one here who wonders about that. 

“Don´t think too much, it will only get you a headache.” 

“It sure will.” 

Softly the raven blinked, having felt something wet and cold brush the tip of his nose. He tilted his head up meeting a pair of water drops halfway, thrumming softly against his skin. 

Rain was starting to fall, only slow and it wasn´t raining much, but the cool water drop were still there hitting his skin. 

 “Let´s head home.” 

“Yeah.” 

**\---Erika and her friends´ point of view.---**

“Karisawa did you find the manga?” it had been Kadota´s voice that reached the fujoshi´s ears as she returned. They had been waiting since forever when Karisawa finally returned with a gloomy expression. 

“Not really.” Yumasaki sighed frustrated. 

“And that was the first edition! Kadota, next time you decide to get embarrassed please don´t throw our mangas as projectiles.”

“Oh, shut up.” It hadn´t been his fault after all, Yumasaki was the one to blame! 

“Ne, don´t you two think Izaya has been acting strange lately?” The two of them paused, looking at their usually so lively companion. Now she was just standing there, arms crossed with a gloomy expression on her face. 

“Izaya? Not really. Why?”Kadota questioned as he got back into the car. 

“But isn´t he different?” Almost instantly Yumasaki crossed his hands in front of his body as if to defend himself against a devil- 

“Oh no, no, no, no, if you are going to start with the Shizaya again I will tie you up you know.” But she wore only got deeper as he got into the back of the car. 

“No, not that. Just, don’t you think he is lonely?”

“Where is that coming from?” Kadota asked, starting the car.

“Remember, at Shinra´s hot pot, you said it yourself to Shizuo how he is the only one not invited.” Already reading another manga Yumasaki just shrugged in the seat next to her. 

“Yeah, because he deserves it.”

“But…” But the two already weren´t listening anymore, her voice fading out as she looked out of the car window glancing back to where she had searched for the thrown manga. 

**\---Shizuo´s point of view.---**

"Soup again? Don´t you want something real to eat?" It was the flea who had asked that question as he looked over the blond´s shoulder. 

"Nah, I can live of this too for a while." The walk home had been a rather quiet one and once they entered the apartment Izaya just sat down on the couch and watched him in the kitchen as he made dinner. 

Okay, soup wasn´t exactly the best dinner, but considering how he didn´t have anything else at home right now and how the flea always said he didn´t really want to eat anyway he guessed soup was the better choice anyway. 

Handing him a bowl of the freshly cooked meal he glanced outside the window, noticing now how it was literally pouring outside. 

"Good thing we went home, huh?" Shizuo mumbled, watching the drops trail down the huge window. 

From the corner of his eyes he caught the raven rubbing at his eyes. 

"Are you actually tired?" the flea paused, looking at the blond and nodded, dropping the spoon in the now empty bowl. 

"Honestly? Yeah, kinda. I know it´s weird." 

"It´s not weird. You look kinda exhausted." That probably wasn´t the nicest thing to say but it was true. The raven fell silent. 

"It´s barely 9pm."

"It´s still not weird at all." Was it weird how whatever the blond said was like silk to his ears? Everything he did sounded too good to be true. 

The way he kept taking care of him, not leaving him alone, making it seem like he worried, or maybe he actually did, Izaya didn't know anymore. 

Everything was just too confusing. 

On one side he had to remind himself that getting lost in some kind of stupid phantasm would only be worse later on, but then there was this part of him that just wanted to give in to the temptation of... hope. 

That maybe, somewhere deep down Shizu-chan might really not hate him, that maybe he even cared, that maybe- 

But no. 

"Be honest you just say that because you think I want to hear it." He couldn´t just believe it like this. 

"No actually I say it because I think so." It really sounded like Shizu-chan, being this awfully honest. He really couldn't picture the blond as someone who was even capable of thinking up a lie. 

"... how come you are this unpredictable when you are this honest? It´s a paradox." 

They had already gotten into bed and Shizuo was waiting for Izaya to fall asleep. Or well... 

"Stop trying to predict me and maybe you would be able to tell what I am doing." ... it probably was the other way round. 

It was the blond who fell asleep first after all. 

Gently the raven let his hand trail forward, just softly brushing through the blond strains of hair falling into the blond´s face. 

A soft smile brushed over the raven´s expression as he looked at the dozing man. The hand was gripping his own just as tight as ever. 

... he didn´t want him to let go. 

But how frivolous would it be to actually say that? 

He was longing for that brute. He wasn´t stupid and it got worse and worse with each day he kept being near him like this. 

He wanted him to do more than just be on suicide watch for him... he knew it was nothing more than that, and yet he kept imagining things that would only make his heart ache more. 

It was odd. 

He was there right in front of him and he was sleeping. He wasn´t mad, he wasn´t throwing vending machines, no. He was just here with him. Protecting him in a sense. 

His hand felt so warm. Soothing. 

The first time he held his hand like that, Izaya felt nothing but anger, hurt and irrational thoughts rush through his head. He was dead set on getting away from that irritating brute. 

But now? 

He didn´t know anymore. 

Tears started to gather in his eyes. 

With horror he realized he didn´t want him to leave. 

If he imagined today's outcome different, Shizuo leaving and saying stuff like he knew the shitty flea was faking everything or something... he didn´t want to think about it. 

What would he have done without the blond there? 

If he had really just walked away, left him alone here again. Alone with his mind in his empty apartment. 

He didn´t want to be alone. 

He was afraid of it. He was afraid of what was going to happen when he was alone again. Incredibly afraid. 

He was afraid of what he would think. He was afraid of that feeling appearing again. of the pain returning, the meaninglessness. 

Just because it tuned down to a degree he could actually ignore it didn´t mean it wouldn´t return. 

this time it wasn´t the brute that was unpredictable, but himself. 

He couldn't´ predict what he was going to do. 

Right now he felt okay. He really fucking felt okay right now. 

Like this even though it was just a daydream he kept living for as long as he could. 

But he felt okay. For such a long time he had craved for being freed of that sadness and pain and now Shizu-chan was here- somehow managing to make him think of other things, managing to chase it away with the way he was. 

Imagining him leaving again made his heart clench painfully and fear creep in his mind. 

He squeezed the hand that held his own a bit tighter. 

Shizuo would leave one day. One day he would leave. No matter what he said now but he couldn´t just stay here forever. He couldn´t have that much patience. 

And he was scared. Scared of the day it would happen. 

shifts closer resting his head against the brute´s chest. 

Softly he listened, trying to calm himself with the soothing  heart beat and the even warm breaths of air that blew across his ear. 

He was here. right now. 

He... would never feel the same way. But he was here. Shizu-chan tried to help him. 

Right now, he felt safe. 

Protected. From anything and everything outside this room and inside his mind. 

Just safe. 

**\--๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑--**

**End of chapter 29 C:**

**Now, this is getting a bit better now- and thinking about what conclusion Shizuo will be coming to next chapter ohohoho~**

**Be prepared for some squeals C;**

**See you on Sunday the 4th September mina-san~! xD**

 

 


	31. ஜ Changes ஜ

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Shizuo´s point of view-**

...

He didn´t know he tended to grab things in his sleep- but it seemed that was the case.

The moment he opened his eyes a mob of soft, black hair invaded his sight, making him blink in surprise. The flea was actually snuggled up to his chest, or rather- Shizuo probably grabbed him in his sleep-

He had his arms wrapped around the peacefully sleeping, human pillow- he didn´t really feel like pulling away though. Somehow that flea had the perfect size to be hugged. Being a bit smaller than him and all.

Softly he nuzzled into the black hair.

Calm and even the flea´s chest was raising and falling with each breath he took. The usual sort of worried or frustrated frown that stuck to the raven´s face had disappeared and instead his expression had relaxed.

Softly he felt his hand reach up to brush a strain of hair out of his face.

And for the first time Shizuo found himself thinking that Izaya looked at ease.

Something akin to relief and warmth spread through his body as he gently pulled the raven a tad closer.

He felt like he finally did something right.

He couldn´t put a finger on it what exactly it was, he just felt like he finally understood how he could help the flea. It wasn´t simple enough to put into one sentence though, it was just a feeling. A feeling as if he finally knew what to do.

...

Why was he doing this much for Izaya in the first place?

Hugging him like this... it wasn´t just _helping_ the flea was it?

Softly he retracted the hand again, wrapping it around the smaller body.

... he didn't feel like letting him go at all. He didn´t feel like he had to push him away either.

Hell he didn't even feel as if he hated the raven anymore...

This wasn´t hate.

It was something else.

He couldn´t explain it himself.

Not wanting him to die was one thing. That much he figured out already, but...

He was doing way more than that wasn´t he?

He wasn´t just taking care of him not dying, honestly speaking if he wanted the flea to just not die, he would have ratted him out to Shinra the first day he saw him.

It was more than easy. Let Shinra take this over and not be involved at all.

If he really wanted him to survive _only_ than that was the best option.

But he knew himself that deep down he had another reason for doing all this.

Was it weird to say he hated the flea so much he couldn´t just leave him alone?

Using the word hate in this kind of context sure didn´t make a lot of sense, but how else was he supposed to call it?

Izaya wasn´t anyone.

Izaya wasn´t a person that he didn´t care about in a weird way, the opposite, he cared so much he was on his mind on a 24/7 basis.

If he wanted to or not, it was just- he didn´t know how to put it.

Their relationship had never been something as simple and straight forward as simple hatred.

He had hated people, and those people were either hospitalized or dead, but he definitely wouldn´t start chasing someone he simply hated through Ikebukuro and Shinjuku for years.

It was weird.

It was almost like an obsession. But this time it wasn´t Izaya who he accused of being obsessed.

He didn´t know what always drew them together. Izaya would never get tired of the chases and Shizuo never get tired of chasing and yet-

Izaya just was supposed to be there.

He was a part of his life. He was someone important. Though if he had to explain this weird feeling to the raven or even tried to explain he feared he would fail miserably to express what he meant.

He let his eyes travel along the raven´s features. Noticing for the first time that he had pretty long eyelashes.

His lips were open just slightly, softly blowing warm puffs of air across the blond´s arm.

He had wanted to _kiss_ the flea.

...

As if someone had all of a sudden slapped him it suddenly dawned on him.

When he was trapping the flea in the kitchen- he actually wanted to _kiss_ him.

...

Why?

All of a suddenly he got confused by his own feelings, not able to come up with an explanation.

Soft fluttering of the raven´s eyelids made the blond pause. Only slowly but surely the flea opened his eyes, his hand reaching up to rub at them- only to pause because of the close proximity.

With a soft blink the Izaya´s eyes focused and he glanced at the blond´s face, merely a few centimeters away from his own. The confused, yet sleepy expression Izaya showed made the blond snort softly- it seriously reminded him of a lost puppy.

"Sorry, guess I grabbed you while you were sleeping or something," he announced, not moving though to let go or anything. The raven just snorted as well, closing his eyes once more.

"What am I? Your personal body pillow?" Embarrassing- there he went and snuggled up to the blond and then Shizu-chan even said it was probably him who grabbed him-

"Guess you are," mentioned man chuckled, though didn´t execute any movements that would indicate he was going to push him away now.

Why even?

Shizuo still didn't feel like letting him go. He couldn´t explain this feeling he had at the moment. But it was warm, nice, comfortable. He didn´t feel like changing anything about it even if it confused the shit out of him.

"So, anything you wanna do today?" he questioned instead, making the flea turn his head, surfacing from the real pillow, so he was looking at him again.

"If you ask me I wouldn´t mind just laying around all day. I don´t feel like getting up or going anywhere." As expected.

"… okay then."

"Eh?" A bit surprised the raven blinked, still looking at the blond, with a probably rather confused expression, considering how the blond started to smile. Of all things Izaya had expected, Shizu-chan simply agreeing was not one of them.

"Yesterday and the day before we did what I wanted. So it´s only fair to do something you want to do today," he answered the unspoken question, making the raven hum in approval.

"How generous." That blond, really... Sometimes behaving so brutish and monstrous, and then again being so perceptive and saying just the right things.

Having stayed silent for a second the raven suddenly chuckled awkward, pushing at the blond´s chest as if to move away.

"Let´s get up, ne?"

Oh, no, no-

Quickly the blond tightened his hold around the raven, trapping him in a tight, yet not crushing hug- a soft gasp escaped the flea´s lips at the action, not expecting it.

That flea wasn´t going to escape him.

"I don´t wanna get up yet though, and you are a pretty nice pillow for such an annoying flea," he mumbled instead, nuzzling into that soft hair that was now tickling his cheek, the flea´s face being hidden in his shoulder.

"Didn´t know sleepy protozoans could be this cuddly in the morning," quick and almost hushed the words flew from Izaya's lips as he tried to calm the rapidly beating heart in his chest. Too surprising had the action been to cope with it yet.

He could feel the strong arms around his body, and the warm chest against which he was pulled-

He hated it- and yet simultaneously he couldn´t deny loving it-

"Hm, and there I already feared you know everything."

A very familiar lump in his throat returned, he swallowed, but it didn´t go away.

He was so close to what he always wanted, and yet it wasn´t what he really wanted.

"Not everything, but close to it," Izaya mumbled, quiet and quick.

Just as quick as a sudden knock resounded through the apartment.

A frown edged its way onto the blond´s expression as the flea´s relaxed into a rather relieved as well as surprised one.

"Who would be knocking here so early?" Shizuo asked making the raven snort.

"Early? It´s almost 9am Shizu-chan, I bet more than three fourth of Japan´s population is up by now."

Again the knock thundered through the apartment, making the blond groan as he got up from the bed, finally releasing the raven from his hug.

Said raven quickly took the opportunity to leave the bedroom and skipped down the stairs to the entrance. Whoever knocked at his door just now deserved a medal for good timing.

Without putting any thought to it the raven opened the door, only to face some pretty stern looking men.

Shiki all in front of them. Without even waiting for the raven to say anything the man stepped into the room, his men following him-

Almost instantly being on alert Shizuo moved down the stairs as well quickly rejoining with Izaya.

"Izaya, let´s get straight to the point," the well known yakuza executive started, slipping something that looked like an envelope out of his jacket as he handed it to Izaya.

"You were the one behind this weren´t you?" Quickly opening the thing Izaya let his eyes fly over the facts that were presented to him, a frown appearing on his features the more he read.

Confused the blond looked over the raven´s shoulder, catching the word _drugs_ on the piece of paper.

"Is this about Kasuka? The police thought he had connections or something," he questioned, thinking that maybe the yakusa was here because of that, but the man´s eyes only narrowed at his question.

"No, it´s about stealing," he announced with a hard voice.

Stealing?

Turning to the flea again he glared at him, his voice deep as he began to speak.

"Izaya, I hope you do realize you are very well someone disposable. Let's get this clear, I don´t have any proof, nor eye witnesses, but my guts just tell me that it was you who stole them from our storage and sent them around for your entertainment. Especially since you conveniently were able to explain the situation to the police yesterday."

Wait-

Disposable?

The blond didn´t even listen to all of what the man said, the first sentence already alerting him. This wasn´t funny-

A frown placing itself onto his expression he moved before the raven, glaring at the man.

"You don´t know that for sure," he growled, the flea still reading the papers he had gotten.

"I don´t really care about that matter to much to be honest, BUT- Fact is that someone now steals them from us. Just yesterday another stock disappeared."

Yesterday?

"That wasn´t Izaya. I was with him the entire day." That wasn´t even a lie, he had been together with him for a pretty long time now and he didn´t even do as much as make a phone call. Shiki just raised an eyebrow though, his hands stuffed in his pockets left and right.

"Hoh? Are you trying to protect him or something? We know it was him it´s no use denying."

That fucking-

"You asshole- I said he didn´t do it are you deaf or something?!" The second he stepped forward just a tiny step the clacking of guns was heard.

All the men who were standing behind the yakusa executive aimed their guns at him- Shizuo only frowned deeper though-

"Shizu-chan-" it was the flea´s actually a bit worried sounding voice that made him refrain to try and just beat the shit out of them. If he did try and they accidentally shot Izaya- quickly he chased the thought away.

"It doesn´t necessarily mean that Izaya himself got those drugs out of there. No, he would have hired someone aren´t I right? Never getting too close to danger."

"Tch-" the blond didn´t move, nor did he complain. Shiki lifted his hand, ordering his men to lower their guns again.

"Izaya. If this doesn´t stop we will be coming again. I hope it won´t be necessary."

"Understood."

And with that they left.

One after the other they walked towards the entrance.

And Shizuo could do nothing but stand there- his fists clenched- and when the door slipped shut he turned around only to slam it down onto the computer desk-

"Why are those assholes so sure it was you?! You didn´t do it!"

Izaya just sighed, letting himself slump down on the couch. Really- he had just woken up and this day was already turning shitty-

"I have a bad reputation Shizu-chan, I do a lot of things and not all are in their favor. It´s no wonder they don´t believe me," he mumbled, rubbing his temples.

"But if that bastard steals more of the drugs they will be coming for you!"

Oh really? Smart protozoan.

"I know, Shizu-chan." Seriously couldn´t they all just leave him alone? There he went, always doing shit and no one ever noticed and just one time when he actually didn´t do anything he was being accused.

For real?

"Tch fucking assholes-" the blond was still fuming over this, Izaya could almost feel how angry he was, running up and down next to him now.

"So agitated over that kind of thing?" he questioned- staying calm, however. It might be a stupid thing to say but he really didn´t care about this as much as Shizu-chan seemed to.

He was tired of giving a fuck about so many things and that still hadn´t changed. For all he cared they should come again and do whatever the hell they thought was necessary. He was tired of having to deal with everything by himself.

"Of course I am-" the blond growled, turning towards the flea. "Can´t you change your reputation somehow?"

What a useless question. Izaya merely shrugged.

"If that were so easy don´t you think I would have done it already?"

Hah-

The blond frowned.

"Actually I don´t think you even tried." The raven blinked, glancing at the blond who was looking him in the eyes.

...

"... heh sharp Shizu-chan."

To be honest, rather than by the answer Shizuo was more surprised by the fact that the flea actually admitted it.

"Why don´t you at least try to get people to like you? Try doing good things or something," he asked, watching the flea get up from the couch as he walked over, not once leaving his glance as he crossed his arms in front of his body.

"That sounds tempting Shizu-chan, but you know, despite everything no one is going to believe that I suddenly want to be nice for no reason. They will doubt whatever I do, show me the flaws behind it and how effortless it is anyway. People will hate me even if I´m nice. It´s easier to be hated for a reason."

The blond frowned- he hated that kind of reasoning.

"Easy my ass. I can see where that thinking way of yours led you."

...

That was unfair.

Heh, he shouldn´t have expected anything less from Shizu-chan- after all he wasn´t the type to beat around what he wanted to say.

"Well, what do you want me to do? If I had acted nice to you for example, would it have made you forget about everything I did? NO right?" His chest felt heavy with every word that left his lips.

As if it were that easy- that beast didn´t even know what it meant to know exactly how he couldn´t change anyone's hatred towards him anymore. "You would have asked what I´m scheming again and told me to get the fuck out of Ikebukuro."

Always saying he was behind everything 99% of the time even if it wasn´t true-

He had no clue.

That idiot had no clue what it really was like to feel trapped like this. "Don´t say it´s that easy to make people like you when all they do is twist your words into something they want to hear to confirm their bad impression."

Silence followed the raven's words.

He had expected Shizu-chan to speak up, interrupt him, but he didn't. And he didn´t know what hurt more, to know that he was right, or that Shizu-chan wasn´t even trying to tell him he was wrong.

"I don´t hate you anymore though." The words came slowly, almost as if he weren´t sure of what he was saying.

"Hah... yeah I know, even worse. What do they say? The opposite of hate is indifference. Not giving a fuck is even worse than hating you know." Really, he should just keep that mouth of his shut. And yet he couldn´t, the words just spilled from them without control.

"Huh? Oi, you keep getting something wrong here ever since I started watching over you." noticing that he had dropped his glance the flea looked back up at the blond- he seemed to be angry for some reason.

"And what would that be?" he questioned, already knowing that he didn´t want to hear the answer.

"I do care about you, you stupid flea," the blond stated- the frown on his face only growing deeper with frustration.

"Don´t say things that you don´t mean Shizu-chan. Lying doesn´t suit you."

That fucking flea- !

"Can you please stop that? Just because you think so little of yourself doesn´t mean everyone does!" Why did Izaya always do that? It was almost like he was trying to torture himself by always repeating the same things- Why?! He didn't get it!

"Well then, tell me what you think of me Shizu-chan! I´m curious to know," he spat, the hands that had been crossed fell to his sides, forming fists. the flea was angry- he wanted to know and yet-

Shizuo´s mouth opened to answer but-

How was he even going to explain something he couldn´t even make sense of himself?

He definitely didn´t hate the flea anymore, but what exactly this mess of feelings was that were swarming around in his head- he didn´t know!

How was he supposed to explain something that he didn´t get?!

A snort caught his ears and he looked at the raven, the fists had become loose again.

"See? You can´t even talk against it." No-

"That´s not true, I just don´t know how to say it!"

... it was almost cute how frustrated the blond seemed to be. Really now, why didn´t Izaya just stop?

Why did he keep talking? Why did he keep asking for an answer that he didn´t want?

"Well then, show me what you mean- You have always been good with those fists of yours just go ahead, use them to make me see whatever you are feeling about me-"

Why couldn't he just shut up already?

He was laughing, he could feel his lips curl into a smile even though he felt like doing the opposite.

And Shizu-chan... Shizu-chan just looked at him.

"Show it, huh?" the words were mumbled so quiet Izaya wasn´t sure if the brute was talking to himself or actually addressed him.

A step was taken towards him- the raven kept standing still.

"Okay, then I will show you-" the blond´s hand lifted- and the flea squeezed his eyes shut. He didn´t know what to expect.

A hit, a shove, maybe something else equally angry- he didn´t want to see it.

And then there were those fingertips- gently brushing along his cheek.

A strain of hair slipping over them as something soft and warm touched his lips.

His eyes shot back open.

Mocha eyes were locked with his own-

Shizu-chan was kissing him.

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**End of chapter 30 C:**

**See? I told you this would get slowly but surely better cx Now now~ Sorry that I ended right there, but the next chapter is just going to be so ... dhgasjkdsgjgjss - xD C; xD Finally I´m getting to the real Shizaya here -sighs with lovely dovey hearties in my eyes- xD**

**See you on Sunday the 2nd October~! xD**

**Oh, oh and before I forget it, I recently read this story, and I just love how original, and funny as hell that story xD But also heart tugging kinda awwww**

**The story is called "What´s the big deal?" by weirdxyz C:**

**Please drop by to check her out *0***

 


	32. ஜ Just like a chase ஜ

 

 

 

**Welcome to chapter 31 *^***

**Now gosh, finally we are getting to the goooooood parts xD See? I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD TURN GOOD! xDDD slowly- but hey! xDDD**

**Enjoy~!**

**.**

**.**

**.**

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Izaya´s point of view-**

Kissing.

Shizu-chan was-

He was-

Blank.

For a second Izaya´s mind was just that, blank.

Because Shizu-chan just kissed him.

He wasn´t dreaming. It wasn´t his imagination nor a misunderstanding- He could feel his soft lips against his own, and that strong, rough hand cupping his cheek so gentle-

So quick it had happened, so quickly it ended again and the blond pulled away.

His eyebrows were furrowed, his expression angry- frustrated, but his eyes were glancing at him in a way that seemed way too gentle and caring to think he was mad at Izaya. The hand left Izaya´s cheek as gently as it had touched it, falling down next to Shizu-chan´s side.

"You confuse me, okay?" It sounded awfully honest, yet frustrated all the more. "You asked what you are to me, but damn it Izaya- I´m not as smart as you that I can put everything into words as easily as you-" he glanced away, avoided his eyes for a second. Izaya didn't interrupt.

He couldn´t.

His heart was thundering against his ribcage, unable to calm down, he was almost feeling faint, and yet his mind just remained the way it was.

Blank, unable to think.

"This is what I wanted to do when the mailman interrupted us and I still want to-" this couldn´t be true. It made no sense. And yet- Was he dreaming? No, he wasn´t-

Feeling detached from his body Izaya could do nothing but to look at the blond. Just keeping his eyes locked with Shizu-chan´s as he continued speaking.

"I don´t know what it is I´m feeling okay? But I´m definitely not feeling _indifferent_ about you."

Not indifferent he said.

Shizuo´s expression turned blank as he looked at the raven's face- he was just looking at him, with wide eyes, surprised- of course, who wouldn´t be surprised, he just kissed him out of the blue. But now-

Slowly but surely tears gathered in the man´s eyes and before he knew it one of the salty droplets trickled down the raven´s face. A feeling of dread filled the blond´s mind at the sight of Izaya´s expressionless, yet crying face-

Did he fuck up? He was crying- why was he crying?! Panic was starting to make itself noticeable in the blond´s mind.

"... Izaya...?" The name left his lips in a soft manner- to say he was worried now would be an underestimation. But the flea didn´t react. His expression didn´t change, he just kept staring at him, blankly.

"Why?" Only a after a few seconds did his lips finally move, just his expression didn´t. Izaya had asked and yet-

_Why_ he asked... but he had no definite answer.

"... I don´t know."

Izaya didn´t know what to make of that statement.

He felt like laughing, crying, running away, staying, his heart was still hammering against his chest just like it did when Shizuo chased him through the streets. As if he were about to be killed-

But usually it was this immense amount of hate that he directed at the raven.

Izaya only knew that form of attention. But this- he honestly didn´t know what to do- he was confused- torn between listening, between being happy, between letting himself get lost in those worried eyes- Shizu-chan just kissed him-

And yet there was this other side, distrusting side, the side that knew how much it hurt to get betrayed, to end up disappointed, that still remembered the feeling when Shizu-chan simply walked away. The feeling of choking, the crying, the anger- the worthlessness- just the feeling of being _left_.

He was afraid. Afraid of Shizu-chan doing one of these things, be it on purpose or not, afraid of his true intentions. Afraid because he kissed him and he didn´t even know the reason.

He didn´t know why, was what he said-

Shizu-chan didn´t lie and yet-

"Is it pity?" it hurt to speak the words out aloud, his thoughts taking the steering wheel as he didn´t spend too much time thinking about what he should say and what not. Almost instantly the blond´s expression churned into an angry, if not even hurt expression as his brows furrowed deeply-

"NO. Izaya god damnit I did this because I wanted to-!" he didn´t mean to yell, and yet he couldn´t control his voice. It wasn´t pity, no- if he pitied him he wouldn´t want to kiss him what kind of fucked up logic was that?!

"Did you like it?" The question sent Shizuo´s almost raging mind into a blankness all over again.

His lips moved and yet he didn´t give an answer- He didn´t know what to say, Izaya was already crying and he didn´t know why- if he were at least angry for him doing such a stupid thing or laughed at him for kissing him and yet- he was crying. Shizuo didn´t know how to deal with him.

Hell he didn´t know the reason he was crying in the first place!

And so he hesitated- and the raven´s expression churned.

"Please," the sound sounded choked as the raven´s eyes slipped shut, the blankness churning into an utterly defeated, pained expression- "just say yes or no Shizu-chan," he choked a couple of tears dripping down his chin.

Izaya was a mess. His thoughts, his feelings- what the hell- If Shizu-chan had just punched him he could have dealt with it. If he kept feeding him sweet lies he could deal with it, but this? Izaya almost wished he had done either of these things.

"... I did..." the blond mumbled, unsure if it had been wise to be honest.

Izaya felt like his heart was going to burst from all the emotions inside.

Everything was just overflowing in the form of tears.

It was unfair.

So unfair.

Shizu-chan had no clue. He had no idea what was going on in his mind. He had no idea how much Izaya had longed for words and actions like these ever since they first met- he had no idea how much it had hurt to know about the blond´s pure and utter hatred. He had no idea what it felt like to let himself be chased- to know Shizu-chan was only running after him because he wanted him gone- and now?

He _kissed_ him.

He said he didn´t hate him anymore. He said he didn´t feel indifferent.

He said he _cared_.

He protected him, he worried about him- he was _there_ for him- even if the reason he even was here in the first place was a fairly messed up one, but he was-

It was all Izaya ever wished for but now-

Now he was too afraid to let himself get swept up.

What should he do? Just how was he supposed to react?

"... please stop crying..." the blond had mumbled those words and suddenly he felt the blond´s palm against his cheek once more, it was warm, caressing his skin softly.

The tears wouldn´t stop flowing somehow. He didn´t know what to respond.

A sigh reached the raven´s ears and he glanced up just the slightest, meeting Shizu-chan´s eyes. He was smiling a bit, and yet he looked just as defeated as Izaya felt.

"I´m sorry, I won´t do that again," he mumbled softly-

No.

"Do it as often as you want to," the words flowed fast from Izaya's lips. He was afraid yes- and yet, he felt like he was losing something if he let this slip. If he did, everything would revert to the way it was again. He would forever wonder about Shizu-chan´s intentions, he would doubt him, he would be trapped in a riddle he would never be able to solve on his own. "Until you figure out what exactly it is you are feeling do whatever you like."

Izaya wasn´t the one who was supposed to figure out what was going on- because he couldn't do that, it was Shizu-chan who had to. It was Shizu-chan who had to think.

Said man paused, lips parted, but he didn´t speak up yet.

Slowly but surely his beating heart calmed down. He lifted his left arm, rubbing at his eyes to wipe the remaining tears away.

Right.

This was Shizu-chan´s riddle. Shizu-chan said himself he didn´t know why he kissed him. He didn't know why he wanted to kiss him- and yet he liked it. It didn´t mean anything. It was an outburst, similar to when Shizu-chan hurt him, when he hit him or hurt him otherwise the past days.

Izaya wasn´t stupid enough to not know that those weren´t done on... "purpose"... so this, this right now was just like the hits. An outburst. Shizu-chan had always been impulsive. So Izaya could deal with it.

When Shizu-chan chased him he didn´t know 90% of the time why he even got so mad.

This was just the same- he kissed him, but he didn´t really know why he did it.

It didn´t mean anything. That´s right. He just kissed-

Against his heart started beating faster- just at the memory of it-

He had to calm down. It was alright. It didn´t hurt, did it? Apart from his heart clenching at the sole memory, he was alright. He hadn´t let himself been swept away nor had he shoved him away.

He had wanted to close his heart up once and for all, always had- he always wished he could just lock these stupid feelings away somewhere- and yet he was always being hurt. It was like the chase.

Just that now Shizu-chan wasn´t running after him in Ikebukuro to summon this mixed feeling, but kissed him instead.

Izaya could -replace it, couldn´t he? His heart beating fast yet clenching almost painfully, feeling hot and cold, choking and being able to breathe freely almost as if he were sick, it was no different than the chases.

"... I don´t want you to cry all the time though-" the words snapped Izaya out of his thoughts. Right just like the chases.

Somehow he couldn´t help but smile at the blond´s words.

"You want to kiss me all the time?" Funny, suddenly he felt light like a feather, almost happy- that didn´t happen during their chases. At the end he was usually exhausted and feeling sort of heavy- but now... this wasn´t too bad actually.

"Why are you crying Izaya?" Ah, right, he still was- funny how he didn´t notice.

"You might laugh but I don´t know either."

Seriously.

The flea was smiling. He was crying and yet he was smiling- just how was Shizuo supposed to make sense of him? Sighing deeply he slid his palm off the raven´s cheek, extending it over his shoulder instead as he pulled the raven close.

As expected, it really felt right to do this kind of thing.

"Seriously. One moment I think I get you and the other you confuse the shit out of me, you know that?" Izaya almost had to chuckle at the response.

"Says the one who kissed me without knowing why."

Shizu-chan felt warm, with his arms wrapped around Izaya- he really had to remind himself when thinking of this that it seriously hadn´t been a dream or hallucination. This ... somehow felt even better than the chases. Even though the attention he received was the same.

"Idiot." The arms tightened softly around him. And Izaya really didn´t mind.

"I promise I won´t cry," he mumbled, leaning a bit away from the blond to be able to look him into the eyes. He wouldn't. He was serious.

"You sure about that?" Izaya shook his head, softly rubbing at his eyes to wipe away any remains of tears. He was sure.

Actually... Just like the chases- he already anticipated the next time. He glanced at the blond, blinked once, then closed his eyes.

Moving his hands towards the blond´s shoulder he held onto him as he leaned up- his own lips pressing onto the blond´s this time.

The blond froze, more than surprised by the action- but he didn´t move nor flinch as the kiss ended just as quick as it happened-

"See? I´m not crying." Blinking the blond reached up, touching his lips softly. And Izaya, Izaya just smiled assuring, not crying- "So do whatever you want, I don´t mind."

Somehow Shizuo couldn´t refrain from a smile to appear on his lips.

Izaya seemed just like Izaya. For a moment he really just seemed like how he was when he chased him through the streets. As usual, and yet, somehow it was different.

Nice.

"Now I kinda want to go outside after all." Izaya threw in, easing himself out of the blond´s hug, before it would turn into something he couldn´t deal with anymore. He had stepped far enough out of his comfort zone as it was.

"Going for a walk or something," he suggested, not avoiding Shizuo´s glance though. Somehow the blond seemed quite happy. How weird.

A second ago he could have cursed his tongue for not holding back with the stupid things it said, but now that it lead to this- maybe he should let himself rant like that more often.

"Ah, but what about those guys...?" Shizuo threw in, remembering that despite how happy the flea seemed to be right now there was still danger waiting for him.

Izaya merely shook his head though.

"Actually, they won´t return," Seriously, he could have realized sooner, had he become stupid? "They obviously reinforced the guards watching the drugs, same for those that keep an eye on me." Really now, he could have thought of that earlier- "If that guy tries to steal more they are going to catch him and simultaneously will know it wasn´t me."

Rather surprised by the sudden easy solution Shizuo rose an eyebrow.

"Is it really that easy?" But yeah, the raven nodded.

"Actually it is. Now let´s leave already. I really wanna go outside for once." He wanted to do something, go for a walk or a chase. He almost had to snort at the image.

A chase, huh?

That would be nice somehow.

"Sure, and maybe go and eat something after that." Shizuo agreed- and he already had a perfect idea. It was only then that he realized he should change his clothes or something. Same for the flea actually- and so he went up the stairs to Izaya´s bedroom- and Izaya followed the soft smile still in place.

Lifting his fingertips he brushed over his own lips. He had kissed Shizu-chan. The fingers curled into a loose fist-

Until a few days ago he thought everything was over.

Everything was just black and white.

And now-

Who would have thought something like this could happen?

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**End of chapter 31 C:**

**See Izzy? Three days ago everything seemed so bad, and now? Look at how things can change really quick *0* C: And all of that just because you held on just a bit longer 3 C;**

**Sorry this is as long as all of the other chapters, but the story progress was kinda especially slow xD I wanted to really show what´s going on in Izaya´s head- so- screetches-**

**xD**

**Anyway, I hope you liked this C: and next chapter, more fluff will await you cx**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**ATTENTIONNNN TAT  
**

**I´m really sorry ;-;**

**There will be NO updates today-**

**this week just kinda didn´t leave enough time to write and on top of that i got some sort of huge, evil, cruel writer´s block -sobs-**

**I´m especially stuck with this story now sorta -SOBS-**

**The next update will be due to 6th November**

**I'm really sorry to make you all wait that long ;-;**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

 


	33. ஜ Taking some distance ஜ

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

 

**-Izaya´s point of view-**

Somehow he felt light headed. Confused too.

Despite everything he said and how he tried to reason with himself and with the blond he couldn´t stop this mush of thoughts rushing through his brain- it almost felt like he were on drugs.

He really needed some fresh air, going out, someplace different to calm down, because staying here with no one else but Shizu-chan- he felt he would really go insane.

"Where do you want to go?" the blond asked, watching the raven pull on his coat.

"Just out," the raven muttered, waiting for the blond to put on his shoes. ", maybe for a walk or something." Yeah actually that sounded pretty nice. Just a walk. Getting this confusion out of his head for once, that would be great.

Pressing the door handle down the raven pushed the door open, only to meet a familiar, yet unexpected pair of eyes.

"Oh my, I thought you were dead." It was Namie who was standing in front of his door, obviously having been about to knock. She was wearing her usual attire and a bag was resting on her left shoulder.

The words stung just the slightest bit as the raven remembered the last time they …"met". Even though at that point she merely talked to Shizu-chan and no one else.

Turning to the blond in question she rose an eyebrow, obviously a bit confused.

"And shouldn´t you be with the police or something? They were searching for you." Right. She had been the one to spill the beans about where Shizu-chan actually was after all.

"You gladly told them where he was didn´t you?" Izaya stated, still not moving away from the door as the woman crossed her arms in front of her body.

"Of course not." A smirk drew across her lips, indicating that she very well knew she had told the police officers where they would find Shizu-chan.

Annoying woman.

"So, what do you want?" the raven questioned. Shizu-chan still hadn´t said a word as the two conversed, just standing there, watching the scene unfold.

"Well I don´t know if you noticed, but it´s Tuesday Izaya. I was in the office, but of course you weren´t there and the only thing I encountered was the mess you made before you left." The raven frowned at that- the mess he made? How would he-

Oh.

Right, the last time he was at that place was- when he sent Namie away, and Shizu-chan said he was quitting. Only blurry he remembered what had actually happened that night. But the mess he made, yeah, he certainly remembered that.

"I figured I would find you here, dead or alive, whatever, in both cases I would have evicted that money from you." Hah, the raven smirked softly as he rose his glance from the floor to her face once more.

"You are really one heartless and cruel woman." The same smirk was directed back at him as she cockily raised an eyebrow. "A woman that wants to be paid for her job."

A sigh escaping the blond´s mouth he ruffled through his hair, he was annoyed somewhat. By this woman to be precise. It might be because of their initial encounter and how she said she hoped he had killed him, or maybe it was just her attitude, but he seriously disliked her.

"If you don´t mind we were about to leave," the blond interrupted the pointless conversation, making them both glance at him rather surprised.

"How come you act so casual with him?" she asked, her arms still crossed in front of her body. "I thought you hated his guts? Really, not even you can be relied on."

Shizuo swore he felt a vein pop on his forehead when she spouted that nonsense.

"Can you just piss off?" The raven blinked when he heard the viciously snarled words, not expecting Shizu-chan to sound so pissed.

The woman didn´t seem to have seen that coming either as her eyes turned to slits.

"How rude." Without another words she just turned around on her heels, heading for the elevator at the end of the hall. "At least get one of your stupid phones so I can call you." And that was pretty much everything she said as she just stepped into the elevator, obviously done with this conversation. Usually Izaya wouldn´t let her have the last word, but the way Shizu-chan had acted just confused him too much.

He glanced at him, looking over his shoulder as they both now stepped out of the apartment. The blond noticed the stare and looked back.

"What?" The raven shrugged.

"Nothing, I just didn't think you would act like this with a woman. From what I saw and heard, opposite to your brutish behavior, you nearly treat them like a gentleman." It was odd, considering Shizu-chan always behaved like a monster, but Izaya knew it was true from his own observations. Shizuo merely shrugged at the statement.

"Pissed me off, that's all. What about those phones she mentioned, though? You have more than one?"

"I have ten."

Wow-

"Seriously...?" Now that was a surprise. "What do you need ten phones for...?" Two phones, okay- maybe he had one for work and the other for private calls, but ten? The raven merely shrugged though, not giving an answer.

"I don´t want to get even one of them though, it´s not like I want to converse with any of my stupid clients." So he was keeping them for his business only?

"What about those two girls though?" Shizuo found himself mumbled, remembering that the flea did indeed have a family. He didn´t ever talk about them, nor would he have ever known he had some if Shinra didn´t file him in on that.

But now that he thought about it, those twins that loved his brother, didn´t he want to call them or anything.

It was only then that he blinked, another thought streaking him as he glanced at the flea.

"... do your siblings know-" As if the raven had already predicted what he was going to ask he frowned and interrupted before he could finish.

"NO they don´t. And I heavily doubt they care, so let´s drop the topic, okay?"

So they didn´t know.

Of course. Izaya wouldn't tell anyone. When he asked him directly about it a few days ago he lied so straight out and firm as if he had practiced it all along. He didn´t even want to admit it to Shinra.

...

... but did they not care at all? His siblings?

"You can´t know that." Shizuo couldn´t believe that sort of thing. Even if they didn´t talk much or lived apart, siblings always cared about each other in a way.

Kasuka had never been a guy of expressions or big words and yet Shizuo knew that if he were in this sort of situation, that he would be there for him, just like how he would be there for him.

"I do though. They always say they want me dead. Hell, they would murder me if they could meet your brother for it." The raven chuckled softly at his own words. Even though he was walking ahead of the blond, just by a step, he could imagine the sort of frown his unintended reference was making him frown. They were walking down the stairs, out of the building. Izaya had never been a fan of elevators and their closed up space.

"... they don´t mean it. I mean, I yelled I wanted to murder you all the time but-" Izaya could almost hear the struggling in Shizu-chan´s voice as he turned around, facing the blond once more.

"Shizu-chan you are a paradox exception." He knew his sisters. And everyone in Ikebukuro. If anything they would throw a party once he was gone. It was a depressing thing to think about, making his lips curl downwards just the slightest bit. "A nice exception, but that´s it," he added. Whatever Shizu-chan was getting confused with, he was the exception- the only.

"Kasuka never says anything, but I still know he loves me." Groaning the raven turned around again, walking onwards with the blond right behind him. Oddly he wasn´t holding his hand at the moment, he seemed to stick close enough to grab him if he tried anything though. "You aren´t going to drop this, are you?" The raven mumbled, slowing down a bit so he was actually walking next to the blond.

"Let´s just get one of your phones, just in case, okay?" One of his phones, huh?

For the sake of having the girls call him? Izaya wasn´t so sure if he wanted that sort of thing.

"We are going for a walk anyway, why not drop by?" Inhaling deeply the raven sighed.

"Fine, if it makes you stop nagging." It wasn´t like the blond was going to just leave this topic. If he had learned anything in the past 72 hours, then it was that the brute could be pretty damn persistent.

He didn´t get why Shizu-chan was so keen on him getting in touch with his siblings though. Whatever they thought of him, it certainly wasn´t the best.

The loud sound of crying horse startled the raven and he swirled around, a very familiar headless woman approaching the two of them. People screamed and pulled their cell phones out of their pockets as they tried to photograph and film the mysterious biker who was now simply driving onto the pavement-

The raven frowned just slightly at the unusually reckless behavior of the woman- though that frown only grew deeper as the woman came to a screeching halt right in front of the two. Immediately her black shadows swirled angrily around the raven as she held out her PDA.

(What did you make me deliver?! All the people I gave your package got arrested or interrogated by the police!)

Ah.

That-

Izaya should have been able to guess just why the woman was in such a rage. Of course. He had not only gotten everyone into the suspicion of dealing with drugs, no- he also used Celty for it. Just by the way her shadows were swirling around angrily he knew she had already figured just what he had used her for.

The more time passed, the more he thought about it and saw the results of his, he wondered why he even did it in the first place. Sure, it was an attempt, an attempt to get back to his old self by scheming something that would get half of the city into trouble. And especially Shizu-chan.

But the results weren´t anything he wished for. It was the same as always, he received the hatred he yearned for, they despised him all and yet, now he just wished they didn´t.

And then again he didn´t care.

It was odd to not care and yet feel so much at the same time. He shouldn´t give a damn about anyone, shouldn´t give a damn about Simon, about Celty, about Shizu-chan´s brother and definitely not about Shizu-chan. And yet he longed for their bonds like a drug addict. No matter what kind of attention.

Even hatred was a form of relationship.

"It´s a misunderstanding Celty." The raven blinked softly, not even noticing that the Dullahan had typed sentence after sentence to show to him- Shizu-chan's hand was resting on Celty´s, preventing her from typing on.

"We cleared it up already. No one is going to get arrested," the blond explained, Izaya almost had to laugh at the way Shizu-chan described the situation.

He fucked it up, he knew it. What use was there denying it? She would find out eventually after all. What he used her for and what exactly he made her deliver.

The Dullahan seemed to pause and think she didn´t move. Just her helmet seemed to tilt into Izaya´s direction and then back to Shizuo. It was only when Shizu-chan let go of her hand that she slowly started typing anew.

(We?)

"Izaya explained at the police station. No one is getting into trouble," the blond continued, not getting into her question any further.

She didn´t trust Izaya. He knew that.

But she trusted him. Celty knew Shizuo wouldn´t lie to her. Only after a few seconds of looking at both of them the Dullahan typed again on her PDA.

(Okay. If you say that.) She paused, her fingers hovering over the device for a second as she seemed to hesitate on the next question.

(I heard you two are done fighting, is that true?) Blinking softly at the question Shizuo wondered how she knew that, and who she heard that from.

The raven knew, after all he had read himself how Sonohara Anri had talked about it in the chatroom.

"Yeah it is," he replied in Shizuo´s stead, choosing the moment to walk on. He wasn´t going to listen, or rather read what else the woman was going to say. No matter if it was anything along the lines of Shizu-chan being careful since he was an asshole or whatever-

That woman knew nothing about what was actually going on.

Shizuo frowned, seeing the raven start walking again and immediately caught up again, leaving the Dullahan on her own.

He felt bad about leaving Celty behind like this, but he couldn´t risk Izaya actually wandering off on his own and out of his sight.

"Why are you running away?" he questioned, patiently waiting for an answer, but the raven didn´t give it.

"Let´s go get the phone and head home again, I´m already tired of this walk," the flea mumbled- and that was the last thing they said as they went on.

Izaya´s apartment wasn´t far from the other. Just a couple turns later they were already standing in front of the building. And the flea had become quiet again.

Shizuo didn´t like it when he shut himself off like this.

He didn´t know whether it was bad or good or just what the hell he was thinking about at the moment.

And Izaya, Izaya really just wanted to get home again. As much as being with the blond 24/7 drove him insane, being outside brought about more trouble and shit to think about than that.

And so he opened the door to his office.

**To be continued~**

**Sorry for being so damn late- ;-; Cuz I was sick I didn´t get to write, and then there was university again and on top of it I got a liiiitle bit stuck- xDD yah**

**But hey x'D I did manage to write another chapter haha C': Sorry the fluff is not too strong here, I decided to move that part a bit ahead cx just by one chapter or two xD I hope this chapter was still oki C:**

**Now, now, on Sunday the 13th I will be updating "No escape", "Survival of the doomed" and "Sinful Desire"~ C;**

**And on Sunday the 20th I will be updating "The wish to disappear", "Behind closed doors" and "A single touch" again C: Finally getting that schedule back on track god damn xDDD Sorry for being so late again xc**

**Well then, see you~ *0*0*0***

 


	34. ஜ Hanging ஜ

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Shizuo´s point of view-**

... he had forgotten just how messed up he had left the apartment.

Almost gloomy the cold light illuminated the office. Paper was laying scattered on the floor- he didn´t even remember anymore which folder they belonged to.

And in the middle of the mess there were shards. Tiny fragments of the cup he had thrown across the room and brown treacherous stains were dirtying the ground. Anyone else might have mistaken them for coffee stains but he knew what they really were.

"... did something happen here?" The question slipped off Shizuo´s lips fairly easy, judging from the way Izaya had not been surprised about the mess they found.

Unsure he entered the scene. It pretty much looked as if someone had broken in here and gone through the raven´s stuff. The door had been closed, however, no breaking signs or whatever on it, so technically speaking... it had to have been Izaya´s doing of some sort- or at least he had to have witnessed what happened, the blond figured.

Just- Izaya wasn´t even paying attention to him.

He had crouched down in the middle of the room. Shards from a cup were laying in front of him and Izaya just looked at them.

The raven remembered very well how he had thrown the cup, the way it burst against the wall, the way his throat felt constricted.

The whole load of emotion that had burst into this violent act.

Reaching down the flea grasped just one of the white porcelain shards. It was smooth, broken into a rectangular shape. One of his favorite cups now that he thought about it.

And yet he destroyed it without a care.

From the corner of his eyes he could still see the treacherous stains.

_"I´m done playing your games Izaya."_

The words stung harsher than he thought and they were more persistent than he would have liked to admit. Shizuo had always been the type to just yell what was on his mind.

So of course he took it for the truth. Except that he interpreted it the wrong way.

_Killing_ a mannequin, huh? So that´s why he said that.

All too fresh the memory was still stuck in his brain, attached the feeling of dread he had felt, thinking about the reason Shizuo had given him for saying that, the stinging feeling loosened up a bit. And yet the dread was forever part of his memory.

He had ran home from the scene in the pouring rain. Izaya was actually surprised he didn´t get sick yet.

He had thought- … no that was wrong, Izaya hadn´t even really thought at that time. There was no clear string of actions or plan leading him through this memory. It was just a jugged up mess of feelings and reactions.

He sent Namie home, and tried to work, this very cup just innocently resting on his desk as he tried to type away on his work.

Glancing to the side just the slightest bit Izaya spotted the keyboard he had shoved to the ground. A few keys had loosened and fallen off the object.

Skipping the moment he threw the cup Izaya remembered what he did afterwards. He let his eyes trail along the floor, couldn´t spot the item in question though.

The blade must have slithered under the table or something.

It stung, quite literally- his left arm did.

Almost feeling nauseous at the sole memory he glanced up to the shelf next to his desk. The drawer hadn´t been cared enough for to be closed and Izaya could see dozens of empty packages laying on the floor.

He had taken some with him, but the majority was still here, resting on the ground.

… what had he been thinking actually? He didn´t remember.

He didn´t remember how he ended up in that alley either. It was all just a mush of scenes that ended somewhere and started somewhere entirely different again.

Like the one on the bridge when Shizu-chan suddenly disturbed him. His timing had seriously sucked… or had it?

… all the violence the hits Izaya took- those he remembered clearly, how could he not? Stepping into the traffic like that, Shizu-chan shoving him into the pharmacies window- he wondered if they knew it had been Shizu-chan who did it.

Shizu-chan wanted to fix him, yet ended up hitting him again, and even strangling as Izaya did his worst to get him to use that monstrous side of him.

Letting his hands trail up he softly touched his throat. The skin was sore and probably dark. Shizu-chan had strangled him until he passed out after all.

Hurt.

His cheek too. His shoulder, thigh, both arms-

Izaya knew none of these hits were intended evil. They were just an expression of Shizu-chan´s frustration and anger.

…

He was trying so hard.

It was astonishing.

If he were Shizu-chan, dealing with the Izaya he always played in front of him, if he had acted like an ass to himself all those years, he certainly wouldn´t have had this much patience.

Izaya wouldn´t help himself. He would probably say he deserved it, maybe even help get himself killed.

He wouldn´t be taking care of an asshole like that. Wouldn´t cook for him. Wouldn´t be patient enough to just stay when Izaya did nothing but refuse the help he offered.

Just the memory of how he had thrown up the food Shizu-chan had cooked and slapped his hand away made his stomach churn in multiple ways. Degrading himself to that point, letting the blond see such a disgusting sight- and then being such an ungrateful little shit-

If he had been Shizu-chan he would have left at that point, maybe even punched himself for being such an asshole- he would have just agreed that he was being pathetic...

And yet Shizu-chan didn´t do that.

He hit the mirror, he hurt himself or made the blond hurt him in some way- and the blond, he was hurt too.

From the car crash, he has had shards in his upper arm blood trailing down his head-

Izaya figured Shinra had patched him up properly while he had been passed out. But still….

It was destructive.

They were destructive.

Letting his fingers trail up he softly touched his lower lip. He didn't know yet what to make of it. Just thinking about it already proved to be too difficult. So he decided not to.

Regardless of his latest action… Shizuo had been there for him without a doubt.

And yet…

Izaya didn't change did he?

If Shizu-chan left him alone, right now, for an hour or two…

...

...what would he do?

Warmth suddenly meeting his cold palm´s skin made the raven flinch hard, snapping out of his thoughts as he glanced up.

Shizuo was crouching in front of him, taking the shard Izaya had been holding out of his palm.

The flea was looking at him like a deer caught in headlights-

When he spotted Izaya taking the shard Shizuo felt his alarm bells ring right away- it was just a shard, a porcelain shard even, but still. It was sharp enough for what the flea maybe had in mind.

He hadn´t hesitated to step over.

He had noticed something was off with Izaya. He didn´t know what or why-

He didn't say anything, nor did he do anything weird.

It was just his guts screaming at him that he was missing something important.

The apartment looked like someone had ripped it apart. It only made him wonder what the flea did in here...

Dropping the object on the floor, next to the other shards he wrapped his fingers around the raven´s wrist, pulling him up from the ground.

Whatever he was thinking about- it probably wasn´t a good idea to let him.

"We came for something different, right?" The raven blinked upon the words-

Right.

The phones.

The raven remembered, feeling as though the blond wasn´t only pulling him up from the floor. He looked worried. Again.

The glance confused him- why? Just why did Shizu-chan seriously care so much about what he did or what happened to him?

He didn´t need to be a genius to know why he had taken the shard away.

"… did you think I wanted to use the shard for some ulterior motive?" Honestly... he was only making it harder for the blond, and yet he couldn´t bring himself not to.

Maybe it was this urge to actually let someone know just what a mess he had become- maybe he thought Shizuo could deal with it since he hated him- but that... was that even true anymore? For the first time he felt guilty for giving Shizu-chan such a hard time.

And yet...

"Better be safe than sorry, ne?" he added with a grin.

He couldn´t refrain from adding fuel to the fire.

He knew Shizu-chan was being desperate and yet-

...

Shizuo didn´t know what to say to that. It sounded awfully depressing the way Izaya said it. But regarding this…. Izaya was right, Shizuo really couldn't trust him there.

Averting his gaze just the slightest the blond wondered just what he was supposed to reply to that.

He was scared.

Scared.

Scared of Izaya and what he might do.

Right now he looked like a kicked puppy. He seemed cold and so small. He didn´t know what was going on in that head of his, but it definitely was anything but good.

He just wished, the flea would stop beating himself up so much over what he did in his life- over everything he was being so sad about-

It made Shizuo want to wrap his arms around him and just tell him it´s gonna be alright somehow, that everything was going to be okay.

He would tell him a thousand times if needed, but he knew it didn´t work like that…

It was odd to think that way, it was still Izaya he was speaking about here, and yet he could see nothing wrong with trying his hardest to get him back to the way he was. He wanted to help him so bad he would do literally anything for it.

… he had spent so much time with the flea by now. He would even say he got to know him better in these past four days.

And yesterday… or rather until they entered this apartment he actually had thought he had changed something, that Izaya was going to be okay.

But somehow with that one sentence Izaya spoke Shizuo realized that he didn´t accomplish anything yet…

A question was stuck in his head, just one.

But he couldn´t ask it. It was stuck in his throat like a knife.

Because he was afraid of the answer he would get.

Did Izaya still want to die?

He felt defeated.

He felt angry, at this office, and at himself for insisting to go here. The flea had already told him that he didn´t want to and still he went without spending a second thought that there might be a reason for it.

He had wanted to try distract the flea, but he was really doing a shit job at that.

It was almost like this place was poison for the flea.

Maybe that´s exactly what it was. Being in the same old environment that drove him to what he wanted to do four days ago- it was probably poison to his mind.

"Let´s leave this thing here for once," the blond mumbled quickly, hushed as he pulled off the raven´s coat, carelessly dropping it to the ground.

Maybe that was what the raven needed, a change. In everything.

Still not letting go of the wrist he headed towards a door that pretty much reminded him of the other apartment. "You always wear that coat, so-" opening it he didn´t find a bed or sleeping room as he had thought, but a couch and a cupboard with clothes in it. That was the thing he had been searching for anyway. With two apartments this huge and spending most of his time in them, it would have been ridiculous if the flea hadn´t had any clothes here.

Using his free right arm he opened the drawers one after the other, until he found a shirt he definitely never saw the flea wear before.

If he was going to try change things for the flea, then he would do so thoroughly. And that shitty coat was something Shizuo eyed as a reminder of the past.

Shoving it towards the raven he waited. It was a long sleeved shirt of course, a black one, definitely able to cover everything the raven wanted to hide. A pair of strings was connecting the V-cut. Thinking about it he found himself thinking that it would suit the flea pretty well.

Izaya still hadn´t said anything since he pulled him up from the ground, and now he was just staring at the shirt he was being handed.

Almost hesitant he took the fabric, just standing there and holding it as he glanced at the blond.

Shizuo tilted his head a bit confused why Izaya was looking at him like that. Just standing there, holding onto the fabric-

"You should put it on you know," the blond spilled, a second too late his brain caught up on the reason why Izaya didn´t do so yet-

"Sorry," he mumbled in realization, turning to face the cupboard, there was no way Izaya would be fine with him watching- "I will just-"

"... who cares." The blond´s eyes widened slightly as he turned around, the flea only shrugging at him. "You know how fucked up I am anyway." The words sounded so bitter they made the blond cringe slightly-

Yet the raven didn´t hesitate as he changed into the new shirt. Despite feeling like he should still give the raven some privacy Shizuo found himself not able to turn away.

The fabric slid off the raven´s pale and bruised skin.

Now revealed he could see the rest of the scars. The ones he saw in the shower when he tried to forcefully bathe the flea, on his abdomen, and more on his upper arms.

It almost hurt to look at them.

"You aren´t fucked up," he replied, fairly late as the raven pulled on the new shirt, covering the scars again.

Izaya wondered why he was making it so hard for the blond on purpose. It was almost as if he were testing him, showing him his worst side to see if he would still stay even after seeing things he didn´t want to. It was incredibly selfish.

Because even though Shizu-chan tried to help, and was there for him, and distracted him- he couldn´t help him if he didn´t change himself. And to be completely honest, he had no idea if he was even able to do that sort of thing.

He felt, there was just no strength left to do that.

"Let´s go Shizu-chan."

Shizu-chan wasn´t going to _cure_ him, he couldn´t do that. Izaya had figured out that much.  
And yet... he had never felt so alone like he did in that moment.

Empty, yet calm.

That day, he was falling.

Falling without a single care. He didn´t mind, he had let go of everything.

But then there was that brute, stopping him. And yet it was almost as if he just delayed the fall.

He felt like he was hanging somewhere.

Not in a sense of being killed, no. More like he was laying in a net, a huge net all across the city. There was the ledge of the building, not too far away from him. Leading to safety, Shizu-chan was sitting there waiting.

And then there was this huge gruesome spider. Just waiting for him to move to give away his location, grab and eat him sucking out his life.

Not far from him, both waiting.

But for now he was just hanging there, not moving, like a fly that didn´t know yet whether it was going to be prey or not.

Shizuo gave him a sense of normality, as weird as that sounded considering that him sticking around was the farthest thing from normal.

But he was grateful for it.

And yet-

Izaya didn't move.

Neither did he reach out nor did he let himself succumb to the spider.

Waiting.

Izaya felt like he had reverted, to the way he was just a day before everything came crashing down and he couldn´t help but wonder if that even was any sort of progress.

That day, he actually wanted to kill himself.

But he didn´t want to die.

He wanted to step out yes, but he didn´t want to cease existing-

It was odd, it made sense to him even though it was a paradox.

"Ne, when have you last spoken to them?" Caught by surprise the raven frowned a bit, trying to make sense of what the blond had said.

"Who?" he asked a bit dumbfounded, having forgotten yet again what this even was all about.

"Your siblings." ... right.

Shizu-chan had wanted him to snatch one of his phones and take it with him. What an unnecessary thing to do.

Giving a half hearted shrug he stepped out of the room, heading for the apartments door. He didn´t intend to stay here any longer in the first place.

"Don´t remember it´s not like they drop by."

The blond followed the flea, frowning just the slightest at his response.

"...you should call them or something." Maybe it was ridiculous to suggest that sort of thing, after all Shizuo didn´t know Izaya's family or siblings well enough to know about their relationship... and yet- no matter how complicated it was, they had to care for their brother at least a bit, right?

"What for?" the raven questioned. It was obvious that he didn´t see any purpose in that sort of thing. Then again why would he, with that kind of mindset.

"… did you ever think of how those two would react if you were dead?" Shizuo had meant it as a serious question, he knew it was somehow not fair asking that sort of thing, considering this wasn´t about Izaya´s siblings or if they were fine- and yet he couldn´t just leave this conversation at that.

The flea, however, didn´t even intend to go there.

"They would laugh and dance on my grave," he replied with a smile, so forced it made the blond cringe.

Shizuo hated that when Izaya did that, but he knew why he said it that way. To shut him up obviously.

"Just take one of those with you at least." He wouldn´t force him to talk to anyone. He hadn´t planned on doing so since the beginning. So he wasn´t going to do it now either.

A soft sigh left the raven´s lips as he headed for one of his cupboards. His eyes following the flea intently as he opened a drawer. There were dozens of phones in there- Without saying another word the raven took one of them and shoved it into his pants´ pocket.

"Satisfied?" He asked, quirking an eyebrow and the blond nodded.

"Very."

_**To be continued ~** _

**For once no cliffhanger xD haha I thought I would not be so mean this time C': Hehe next chapter is gonna contain some sweet stuff C': Izzy is starting to think more about this hmmm let´s see where this is leading now~ C:**

**Well then, see you on December the 11th~! Cx**


	35. ஜ Futile? ஜ

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Shizuo´s point of view-**

"So... care to fill me in where you are dragging me to?" It was something along the lines of a whisper that left the raven's lips, not really wanting anyone else of his shitty humans paying attention to them. Currently they were standing in an underground train to god knows where.

The blond had just dragged him out of his apartment like that. He didn´t say a single word about where they are going or what he was about to do- there was only one thing that was for sure and that was the fact that they weren´t driving anywhere familiar.

"Not yet, you gotta be patient flea," the blond mumbled back, glancing out of the train´s window. Maybe this was a stupid idea yet again, maybe he was only going to make things worse- but for now if it was really a change that the flea needed, then Shizuo was going to drag him somewhere he definitely hadn´t been before-

It was a fairly warm day for once, the rain had let up as well although some clouds were still hiding the sun in the sky.

Less and less houses appeared in the landscape. The blond glanced back at the flea.

He was leaning against the window, not particularly taking any interest in their surroundings. With his arm crossed and a frown in place he seemed to be studying the trains plan instead- he was probably trying to figure out where Shizuo was going to go with him.

The unpleasant noise of the trains brakes returning the vehicle slowed down, halting in yet another stop. The door opened with a creak and a group of tourists entered the already way too small space.

Usually things like that irritated the blond way too much- he never took the train because he just knew he was going to get mad at some stupid pricks that shoved their way inside the train or pushed him away.

And yet now he was oddly calm, his entire attention merely at the flea.

He had to control his temper-

When they were in the apartment he had seen it very well, in that few couple seconds where Izaya had crouched down to look at the shards, he had reached for his neck- his still blue... and bruised neck.

He couldn´t help but look at exactly this mistake of his as the raven stood in front of him. With only a small amount of space between them, the raven leaning against the train´s wall and Shizuo hovering in front of him to keep stupid pricks from either recognizing the flea, or approaching him, he was able to see that spot even more clearly than before.

With a frown he averted his gaze to the ground.

He had to control his anger.

So far in his life it had been fine to not restrict his strength or bursts of violence around the flea, he was always somehow that one flea that would take him on with all the power he had- Shizuo wasn´t used to hold himself back around him.

Not at all. It wasn´t like he was a brainless monster that couldn´t control himself at all- he could to some extent- if it regarded Shinra or Celty although she would never annoy him, he would be sure to either leave or let his anger out on something else rather than the person in question.

But with Izaya he was so used to not need to hold back at all it was an entirely new challenge to keep himself restrained.

He felt bad.

For hurting him.

Honestly, if someone just anyone... if somehow he had known earlier what the flea was thinking about, if just he had known...

Thinking about it if anyone should have noticed then it was probably him. Izaya was coming to Ikebukuro almost every single day. It was like a fixed routine- around midday or afternoon he would pop up out of nowhere saying he had business in his city and they would go for it.

Always.

He saw him every freaking day- so why?

How come he had been so damn oblivious to what was happening?

Guilt nagged at him for all the times he had just thrown things after the flea, yelled at him to fuck of and disappear, so no one would be bothered-

His grip tightening around the iron rod in the train as he frowned softly.

No it wasn´t even that.

It wasn´t guilt that nagged at him so bad.

It was a feeling of dread, a feeling of being punched in the guts, making him feel as though he might be _too late_ realizing it now.

Desperate and frustrated.

He didn´t want to lose the flea-

A soft sigh reached his ears, "Are we going to arrive anytime soon?" Izaya had twisted his head a bit, glancing out of the window now, his hair creating funny patterns against the glass as he was leaning against it.

"Not really, just two more stations," the blond informed, still not enlightening the raven as to where exactly Shizu-chan planned to drag him to next.

Izaya had thought so much about it he wouldn´t put it behind the blond to not even have a plan. This whole travelling idea seemed like it had been pretty spontaneous in the first place.

Arms still crossed he let his fingers slide over his upper arms.

He didn´t know what to do.

Before he had come to the point where he realized that Shizu-chan actually wasn´t able to do shit about this entire thing. It was in his head, this wasn´t like a physical injury that one could treat by taking it easy or just waiting till it gets better.

He realized that if he really wanted to get better he would have to do so by himself.

It was his own mind that he had to start with first.

And yet...

He just felt so incredibly tired.

And the task so impossibly difficult.

Somehow he wanted the blond to lean closer just a bit, closing the minimal distance between them, if just so he could rest his head against his chest or something.

Just for a little bit.

He wanted to close his eyes, turn his back on everything. It just seemed too difficult to achieve. He felt as though as if he were working on one of his hardest jobs, one where he wasn´t able to dig up even the slightest bit of information no matter what he did.

The feeling of dread that he usually had when he couldn´t find what he was asked for seemed like a nice feeling in comparison to this anxiety.

As long as Shizu-chan was there, distracting him, just being there, he felt he could stay sane.

Shizu-chan couldn´t be there forever though.

And what then?

If Shizuo weren´t there right now...

"We are here." A bit surprised the raven blinked as he felt Shizu-chan´s hand wrap around his wrist to drag him out of the train- the doors were almost closing again-

With a soft thud and the usual mechanic voice announced that the train was leaving Izaya glanced back at the now leaving vehicle.

...

They were surrounded by nothing but nature if he had to put it that way. Sure there was this little train station buildings, looking pretty bad and neglected to be honest. There was even grass growing on the roof.

"What are we doing here?" Izaya couldn´t really refrain from asking the question, after all he had no idea what the blond had in mind this time. He had made him leave his beloved coat behind and now he dragged him here?

Honestly speaking he just wanted to go home again already.

"Well, you said you wanted to go out a bit. Just for a walk or something, and I figured it would be more fun to come here than to walk through a city you know inside out anyway."

Well... that was only half of the truth.

The real reason why Shizuo had come out here with the flea, was because he wanted for once for nothing to interrupt them.

So far whenever they had left the house or went somewhere it had somehow affected the flea negatively.

Be it the apartment or meeting Celty, Simon, his brother at the police station. And considering Izaya´s bad reputation, Shizuo feared that it would even take one stroll down the road for someone else to approach the flea for what he did wrong in his life so far.

He just wanted to get Izaya out of there. He almost felt like just grabbing him and leaving altogether to some place he could start anew, where he could get better before dealing with all this.

Shizuo knew that wasn´t quite possible, however...

A sigh left the blond´s lips as he glanced at the flea once more.

His hand was still wrapped around his wrist, and Izaya wore that bothered expression. He hadn´t once put it down since they had entered that stupid apartment.

"What´s wrong?" A bit surprised by the unexpected question Izaya blinked.

"Wrong?" he repeated, hoping that maybe the blond would just leave the question, but that didn´t happen. "Nothing is, I´m fine."

A lie.

The blond frowned just the slightest bit. This was a lie, and one so obvious, he knew even Izaya should realize that.

He wasn´t being honest.

How was he supposed to put it?

It felt like he was wearing a mask.

Not one of his usual asshole ones but yeah. It felt like he wasn´t being honest.

And that scared him- it felt as though as if the raven were withdrawing from him yet again.

It was frustrating, and even angering- just why? He wished Izaya would just depend on him, lean on him, and tell him what he needed, what Shizuo could do for him to help.

And yet now it seemed as though he wanted to push his help away again just like how he did on the first day.

It was frustrating- and scary.

He couldn´t lose Izaya.

He wanted to help Izaya.

Fix him.

He had to.

"I can see something is off you know," he mumbled, knowing pretty well he was being too persistent right now, and he knew he should just let the raven be if he really didn´t want to talk about it- he didn´t want to make matters worse, and yet he just couldn´t bring himself to stay still.

Was it that he was running out of patience?

Getting frustrated too much?

"I don´t know what you mean," the raven repeated, not even glancing at him as he locked his eyes with the ground.

Honestly speaking Shizuo was just worried sick. "Ever since we got to your apartment you ... I don´t know, something is just off..." he tried again, he knew he was prying, and yet-

The raven frowned just the slightest bit.

He didn´t like this.

Izaya didn´t want to talk about it nor did he want to share his thoughts with the blond.

He acknowledged his worries and that he even noticed something was off with him- then again with his kind of instinct he should have expected that much already.

And yet...

"I´m fine." He didn´t want to talk about it. "Let´s just hurry up, okay?"

The grip on Izaya´s wrist tightened just the slightest bit as the raven tried to take a step forward.

No, Shizuo wasn´t going to just let it be like this.

"Izaya-" a moment of silence covered the two like a blanket.

It was wrong. To act like nothing was wrong, and just continue, trying to stay still and wait for Izaya to somehow change-

This pretending he was patient. Shizuo wasn´t patient, Shizuo was treating Izaya like a raw egg. Like a child, that was helpless, but Izaya wasn´t helpless-

And Shizuo couldn´t do this alone.

No. Indeed he couldn´t.

It was as if he had suddenly realized something that he shouldn´t have.

He _couldn´t_ _make_ Izaya get better.

He could distract him, be there for him, be patient, listen to him and yet-

He felt as though he had just realized how useless he was himself.

He wanted Izaya to get better so bad, he wanted his old flea back, that sarcastic asshole that always had a snappy remark on his face and that grin plastered across his expression. The flea that always annoyed the shit out of him-

All of a sudden he found himself thinking that he wanted to get along with that flea as well.

He didn´t want to go back to useless fights were only both of them hurt either.

And yet, looking at him like that, seeing just how bad he was- he felt like he had lost that flea.

Like he had lost the chance.

Right now Izaya seemed so far away-

"How?" it was barely a whisper, he definitely felt his voice creaking there and yet he couldn´t maintain his posture.

Please Izaya-

He swallowed thickly knowing pretty well that he should be strong, he was always strong, no matter what the situation may be, he could take anything, he really thought he could.

But this-

Slow but clear it trickled down the blond´s face.

The raven´s eyes widened unbelievably wide while Shizuo´s just churned into an expression that almost looked painful.

Desperate.

Without a sound the tears fell of his cheek, sinking into the ground.

At the end of his wits.

"How am I supposed to help you?" Because Shizuo really didn´t know anymore.

He had done everything he could think off, he even thought it had helped at some point, and yet-

"Please tell me-" Right now he felt as though everything had been futile.

_**To be continued~** _

**It´s often forgotten, or not even paid attention to, but I think it´s important to take notice of how the person that tries to help feels as well- some may be complaining now that Shizuo crying was OOC or something but, struggling for so long trying to help someone they obviously love (yah he does even if he isn´t really realizing just how important Izaya is to him) only to see them get worse again after trying everything they could think of is a pretty devastating feeling.**

**Especially when they close up like oysters when they are feeling bad.**

**Next chapter will be sweeter again C: I planned the sweet thing for a while now but somehow so far it didn´t really fit into the story line yet xD next time though I´m sure it will be included C:**

**ATTENTION: Shout out to everyone- I have kinda not been feeling well all day and now it turns out I have a fever urgh- Fuck you shitty cold weather and your sick people germs! TAT I do hope it´s gonna disappear soon, but just in case it doesn´t- well ...**

**Anyway SD will be coming right up tomorrow morning! -as long as I´m not actually down for good- x'D See you on December the 26th in the next chapter~! Cx MONDAY, ne? C: xD**

 


	36. ஜ You can do it ஜ

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Shizuo´s point of view-**

Shizu-

He was crying.

He actually-

"Shizu-chan-" the pang of guilt that struck his chest when he faced the blond robbed him of the ability to breathe. It was a suffocating feeling that gripped his heart in a tight lock.

He had no idea what to do, this wasn´t what he wanted-

He really didn´t want this-

"I´m sorry- I just-" he felt as though he was starting to panic, he didn´t know what to do-

He didn't even get what was happening in the first place- this situation just somehow wasn´t in his control, it was just slipping away from him.

Shizu-chan was crying- he was asking him what to do-

For a second he felt as though he was making Shizuo suffer like he had been for so long.

The blond blinked quickly, realizing what he was doing and raised his wrist to rub away the stupid tears. He didn´t want to make the raven look like that- he didn't want to burden Izaya any more than he already was.

Shit-

And yet somehow this feeling was nagging at him so hard. It was almost as if the thought had engraved itself into his mind.

He wanted Izaya back... his Izaya. The asshole Izaya, the one that teased him, the one that followed him anywhere just to drive him insane.

The smiling Izaya, the Izaya that seemed like he could take on the world and him on top.

He couldn´t help but feel something clench inside his chest at the thought.

Seeing him like this, getting to know him like this, it was different, and yet it wasn´t like he hated Izaya for it.

He couldn´t even grasp what it was that made him feel so desperate. What it was that he felt he missed-

Just... Izaya.

He was all over his mind-

Just...

He didn´t know when the urge to just hold the flea tight had become so urgent he acted upon his instincts, but right now he couldn´t just not do it.

He was just terribly afraid of losing the flea.

He had always been, ever since the start there was this feeling in his gut making him nauseous just at the thought, but now? It was getting stronger and stronger by the day, he felt like suffocating just thinking about what Izaya was thinking about.

He wasn´t even able to imagine him being gone and the prospect of that happening was freaking him out like nothing else in his life so far.

His arms wrapped quickly around the tense and obviously surprised flea. He could feel hair tips tickling his neck as he rested his head on the raven´s shoulder. He could feel him breath, could almost hear the even beats of his heart.

"I´m sorry-" he whispered softly, knowing he wasn´t doing anything right now to help the flea get better, he almost feared he was doing the opposite instead-

Izaya felt a bit trapped. He didn´t see it coming-

Neither of the two- He didn't think he would ever see Shizuo cry. And he definitely didn´t see it coming when he hugged him either.

He didn´t know what to do, but he didn´t intend to struggle either.

"Tell me, okay?" the blond said, leaning away just the slightest bit. Izaya felt his hands slip off him and cup his cheeks softly instead as he locked eyes with him.

Shizuo couldn´t make sense of what he was doing nor what he was feeling.

What the hell was even going on with him? He wanted Izaya to see him, to look at him properly.

He found himself wanting to hold the flea tight, selfishly he felt he wanted to kiss the raven one again. He wanted Izaya.

"Just tell me, if there is anything-" he almost pleaded. "I would do literally anything if it makes you feel better." Shizuo didn´t even know what he was saying. He already knew that Izaya didn´t have some sort of plan or knew the secret to cure him real quick. He knew that and yet... he couldn´t help but hope somewhere in the back of his mind that maybe Izaya had at least an idea. Something he could work with, something he could keep trying.

"Anything is quite the vast description," Izaya mumbled with shaky lips, not able to hold the blond´s stare as he felt his own eyes getting wet.

He knew it- and yet he didn´t really see it coming.

Shizu-chan had always been someone indestructible in his mind, someone that could take anything.

He didn't know why Shizuo even cared so much about him, but he did, and seeing him like this, he now understood that it was hurting him inside- seeing how he was able to hurt him like this, it was almost destroying him.

There was no way he could tell him that nothing he did was going to change his mindset... Not after everything he did for him- he was trying so hard, he couldn´t just tell him it was useless.

Shizu-chan was asking him things that Izaya knew he didn´t expect and answer on- and yet he felt as though he was the one who should be providing at least something.

"It´s just..." his lips felt weary as he spoke, the blond still looking at him intently.

He knew being truthful would be like slapping the blond across his face, and yet... he knew if he told him anything else he would notice it.

Shizu-chan would, he recognized his lies by now.

"... today, I just don´t feel especially well, okay...?" he started mumbling, putting out his feelings, what was going on in his mind.

"Why?"

Why he asked... Shizu-chan was just meaning well and yet, Izaya was already getting stressed out because he couldn´t answer that question without hurting him.

"...I have just been thinking about something... I don´t know it´s just... a bad day, maybe, tomorrow I might be better, so... " Somehow he was just feeling so much guilt, it felt harder to speak with each word he said because he just couldn´t express himself all of a sudden. He had always been so good with words, but now- "Please don´t cry..."he begged the blond. He couldn´t stand the sight- he couldn´t stand knowing that he was tearing the man down he was secretly having feelings for since high school. "I´m sorry I don´t have any answers for you... I, I don´t know what would help me, I can´t think of anything, it might sound stupid but I´m just as lost as you are..." He knew he was trying to help, he really was and he was giving his very best, and that even though Izaya had been annoying him and causing so much trouble his whole life long- he knew it and he couldn´t even put into words what that made him feel, and yet... he just didn´t know- "if I could think of something I would tell you, really I would- but-"

Feeling the pair of arms wrap around him again the words got caught in his throat.

_Stop_.

Shizuo understood.

"I got it..."

This wasn´t leading anywhere good. He felt as though if he let the flea talk on like this they would both end up getting even more desperate.

It wasn´t like the flea was dragging him down with him, but he felt as though something was starting to nag at him similar to what Izaya felt. The pain of the thought of losing Izaya, was it this kind of nonexistent physical pain that Izaya felt? All the time?

He felt the raven shake his head softly within the hug, clearing his throat again.

"Shizu-chan, I´m sorry I just don´t-"

"Shhh, I got it. You don´t have to say any more."

If that was the case, then he just wanted Izaya to smile. He felt as though if Izaya just smiled this heavy weigh on his chest would lift. Even if it was for just a bit.

He couldn't be weak, not now, not in front of Izaya, not when he was relying on him.

Shizuo was the only one who knew, Shizuo was the only one who was there for him who tried to help. If he gave in to defeat then who would help Izaya?

He wanted to see Izaya smile. And if Shizuo felt that way this heavy feeling would disappear, then maybe if he smiled as well, it would help lift Izaya´s weigh at least a bit.

He wanted Izaya.

He needed Izaya.

"You know, you are actually pretty damn precious to me flea," the blond spoke with firm words, knowing full well what he was saying.

"Precious?"

"Sounds odd, but I really feel that way." the blond repeated, not backing down neither in his voice and tune, nor as a whole physical.

"You are strong, you are fast, intelligent, witty, no one could ever beat you at running away or leaving someone at a loss of words. You have so many strengths, I mean you survived me, the walking disaster since high school."

Izaya actually had to smile just the slightest bit at that. Remembering high school and how he ran away from the brute... yeah he certainly did survive that. If not for Shizu-chan he would have never mastered parkour the way he did.

"I would say you are a fucking walking miracle, Izaya." That´s right. Izaya had done so many impressive things.

"So I know you can do this." He should have more faith in him. Maybe not trust him, but believe in what he could do. He shouldn´t treat him like a raw egg that was going to break on its own. More like a dragon that injured his wings momentarily.

"For a second I forgot that, but you know you are pretty damn stubborn, you aren´t easy to take down. The Orihara Izaya I know doesn´t just back down."

He nodded softly, as if to confirm it himself.

"You can do this, I´m sure of it."

He tightened his hug softly.

"And I will do anything to help you okay?" He couldn't just let the flea deal with this by himself, no physical action he took could help him with what was going on in his head. He had to challenge the problem itself, not just the way Izaya acted.

"Just tell me, tell me what bothers you and what you feel like doing and what you don´t feel like." Maybe if he just did what Izaya wanted maybe that would help. Forcing what he believed might be good for him on the raven might not be the right way.

"You can do it. I´m sure of it, you are so smart I bet you can think your way out of this or something."

The raven averted his eyes.

Think his way out, huh?

... where?

Where did he take that confidence from?

Just now Shizu-chan had been just as desperate as he was, and now?

Just where did he get this confidence from, this ability to look ahead?

Somehow Izaya felt a bit at ease. Sure, Shizuo had just said what came to his mind and the promises he made he was nowhere near being able to keep... and yet. He felt as though he calmed down a bit.

And somehow he found himself craving for that warmth.

He could feel the warmth radiate from the blond´s skin. He could feel his heart beat and that soft breath tickling his neck with every word he spoke.

He wanted to withdraw in this feeling of being sheltered.

The blond stood there, still hugging the flea. But no response to what he said followed. Unsure if maybe he had said something wrong yet again he loosened his hold on the raven just the slightest bit- only to feel something else.

"Just tell me what you want," Shizuo whispered, loosening his arms a bit in the intention to let go but a slight tug by Izaya´s hands was keeping him.

Only softly, hesitantly, but surely Izaya was holding onto the blond.

"... then… just for a while-" he didn´t need to say more as Shizuo pulled the flea close again, getting what he meant.

And so he tightened his hug again, just holding him close.

He could feel those thin arms hold onto his shirt, and Izaya´s face nuzzling into his shoulder, hiding.

Letting his hands travel over the raven´s back and he tried to give the raven at least some sort of comfort.

"Do you want to tell me what it is you are thinking about...?" he asked, brushing through the raven hair.

Only softly he felt the louse shake his head.

Izaya didn´t want to.

Really didn´t want to.

No more talking

Just comfort seeking.

It was just too much right now.

He felt he was losing himself.

Control slipping from him.

He didn´t want to fall.

And yet the wounds were all too fresh- he didn´t want to return to that- and yet, if Shizu-chan weren´t there right now, if he really let him do what he wanted, what would he do?

He could barely eat anything, except for soup.

When he thought about it there was still nothing enjoyable he could even look forward to.

It was just this whole mindset.

If Shizu-chan left him alone for a day, no scratch the day, for an hour. Free to do as he pleased-

What would he really do?

It was frightening to think about it.

So this, right now, just letting himself shut off for a second- it was nice.

He wondered why but somehow near the blond like this his thoughts seemed to calm down a bit.

Stepping back just a bit the blond leaned against an oddly formed stone, still holding the flea tight of course. The raven couldn´t help but feel awkward at the proximity and this odd way of... just being next to each other without words.

When had he ever stayed next to someone he knew without saying anything for a whole minute? He was always the one to strike conversations- and yet... this silent atmosphere was not bad.

He felt himself being captivated by the way Shizu-chan kept brushing over his hair and back. Just continuing the soothing motion.

So soft. And gentle. He wasn´t used to be treated like this. Not even his mum did this sort of thing. Not to speak that he would have never expected this sort of treatment from someone like Shizu-chan.

The wind brushed through the leafes, setting them into motion. The sun was shining through the spaces in between and fresh air was surrounding them, way fresher than he knew it from Ikebukuro.

It was odd but even though it was him that was feeling like shit he was more concerned about Shizu-chan and how he made them feel with all this...

"... just sitting here. You will get bored, won´t you?" he whispered, honestly wanting an answer to his question.

"If you don´t want to talk that´s okay." Just like this, having Izaya close like this... Shizuo wouldn´t want anything more.

Leaning back on the stone he tightened his hug on the flea, letting his nose nuzzle into those black hair tips. He could feel the body in his arms, so lithe, so... easy to break... it was odd, almost funny, but it was only now that he was able to pinpoint this longing feeling as what it was.

He...

"I´m here."

... loved the flea didn´t he?

It was odd, but Izaya didn´t feel out of place at all... he felt safe. Somehow. It was odd because it was so illogical. And yet he just craved for this warmth. And this time he didn´t feel it was far away. It was right there, right in front of him.

"I will stay as long as you want me to."

Shizu-chan wasn´t running away. He was telling him sweet, sweet words, maybe even lies, but Izaya was tired of analyzing everything he said only to find his own reasoning to twist the words into something his sick mind wanted to hear.

"Okay."

He concentrated on his surroundings instead letting his eyes trail over the scenery.

He saw little caterpillars, the grass slightly moving in the wind, clouds passing and the sun disappearing and reappearing to warm his skin.

He noticed all the details.

What kind of bushes there were, the trees, the warmth, feeling a bit cold in the places Shizu-chan wasn´t hugging him.

Shizu-chan´s heartbeat.

His breathing, rising and falling of his chest. That hand moving over his head, his shoulders, comforting. Hair tickling his cheek and neck.

He could feel Shizu-chan´s back beneath his finger tips.

The warmth. Shizu-chan always seemed to be warm.

He found himself nuzzling into the touch. And he started to feel himself getting tired.

Just relaxed.

Was it because the tension was fading a bit? Had he been that exhausted? So much on the edge?

He didn't know. All he knew was that he wanted to sleep for a bit. Just doze, right here. It seemed as though he was in some sort of bubble.

No one was here.

Except him and Shizu-chan.

And it felt nice.

_**To be continued~** _

**Now, this wasn´t sad C: I hope gosh- xD Half of the chapter was practically one huge hug xD seriously tho C': Right now Izaya is feeling oki, as a little spoiler he actually dozes off as well xD So, since there is now a one month breaky I hope you won´t curse me too much now since I gave you something good before the long wait xD**

**Now, now I have an important announcement to make C':**

**Sadly sadly, I will be gone now for about a month xD University exams are approaching and I really need the time to study for them all C': to be more specific I´m a nervous little shit on top of that so even when I get time I can´t concentrate on Shizaya chapters, which is why this chapter is so late xD**

**Ahh, anyway, the next chapters will be coming like this:**

**-** **๑** **-** **๑๑** **-** **FEBRUARY 2017 -** **๑๑** **-** **๑** **-** **-**

**Sometime this week- "No escape" the end I WILL UPDATE/finish THIS ONE XDD**

**Wednesday 1st**

**Picture(s) ? Chu will get a little eyecandy or two as a treaty for being absent so long C:**

**(Done: 1 of ? eyecandies)**

**MoNDAy 6th**

The wish to disappear **(36)**

A single touch **(8)**

Sinful Desire **(10)**

**MoNDAy 12th**

Survival of the doomed **(20)**

Behind closed doors **(18)**

**START: NEW STORY: Shingeki no Shizuo (Shingeki no kyojin crossover) (1)**

**So this is how it´s going to be C': Sorry for being so late again xD And for the breaky C': see you all in February! *0* With hopefully all exams passed and done- xDDDD**


	37. ஜ Spilling over ஜ

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Izaya´s point of view.-**

Hmmm...

So comfortable. And warm.

A soft, steady sound was reaching the raven´s ears, rustling and howling. It took a few seconds until Izaya realized where he was, feeling the warmth at his back.

Surprised he snapped his eyes open, meeting nothing but a clear blue sky- strains of blond hair and brown eyes watching him from above were the only things interrupting his file of vision.

Twisting his head just the slightest bit he noticed a familiar warm feeling on his cheek, having laid upon a certain wrinkled pillow.

"Did I... fall asleep?" the raven mumbled disbelieving, reaching up to rub at the corner of his eyes as a soft yawn escaped his lips, answering his question anyway.

"You sure did," Shizu-chan replied, a soft smile spreading over his lips as he ruffled through the raven´s hair.

Izaya snorted-

"Seriously?" This was certainly the oddest thing he had ever done. Not to mention that it was Shizu-chan he had obviously been sleeping on.

The blond was sitting there, partly leaning onto that stone, partly sitting on the ground by now, while he had just used him as a bed. Not to mention that it was Shizu-chan he had been napping upon, he was pretty surprised he managed to even sleep in that kind of position at all.

Shizuo wasn´t surprised one bit to be honest. The past days that he had spent with the flea, he had never seen him actually rest this peacefully. Sure he went to bed every day, but that didn´t mean he had a good rest. Just remembering how Izaya had cried himself to sleep the first night or how he had tried to make Shizuo kill him made his stomach flip just the slightest.

It had almost felt as if the raven didn´t even want to let himself rest and just get better- maybe even just the opposite, he tried so hard to get better, to stop whatever he was doing and thinking, that Shizuo felt he was stressing himself to stop stressing himself-

Like a devil´s circle.

Tossing around in his sleep, frowning and waking up way too early- it surely was something that contributed to making the flea even more miserable than he already was.

He hadn´t dared to move even in the slightest when he noticed the raven was dozing off in his lap.

Letting his fingers trail through the black hair tips something akin to a smile spread on his lips. He looked way better than before.

"How are you feeling?" the raven blinked upon the question, still not being quite awake yet-

"What a bold question-" he remarked, closing his eyes again to relish in this fleeting warm feeling.

The sun´s rays were shining upon him and this new found Shizuo-bed was comfier than he would have expected.

"Better," he decided, feeling honestly as if at least this endless circle of thoughts had calmed down.

He was just feeling calm. The thoughts that had rotated in his mind before had somehow ceasing to drive him insane for a bit.

Not only Izaya had calmed down during his sleep. Having the raven here in his arms, just watching him sleep peacefully, the blond had realized something.

Something pretty important.

Izaya wouldn´t die.

He wanted to, yes and that thought was still nagging at Shizuo´s soul-

But he wouldn´t die.

Not as long as Shizuo was watching him. The fear he had felt before at the thought that maybe Izaya might just be gone, from one day to the other because he did something to himself, suddenly seemed so small.

Because if he was careful enough, that wouldn´t happen.

So no matter how long the raven took, no matter how much time he needed to get well again, to stop whatever was going on, in his mind, Shizuo would be there and make sure nothing happened to him.

That realization had calmed the blond immensely. Because so far he had been just as stupid as Izaya was.

He was also trying to get the flea to get better quickly. And even though he told Izaya he had all the time in the world, Shizuo was behaving no different than him.

Stressing.

Wanting him to get better _already_.

And fast. So nothing would happen to him of course, and so Izaya would return to his good old fleaish self. He got frustrated because there had been no obvious change even though he spent so much time with the flea.

It had been stupid to try that sort of thing and he realized that now. He hadn´t meant to push him, and yet he did. Telling him to get himself together on the first days he spent with the man, or getting frustrated when Izaya pushed him away again and again.

"You know, I can do this whenever you want. If it helps I mean. You just gotta say the word," the blond mumbled, keeping to comb through the raven´s hair as though he was having a kitten in his lap.

And suddenly something that he hadn´t heard in ages reached the blond´s ears.

A soft chuckle.

"If it just were this easy all the time." Izaya was actually smiling. He wasn´t even pretending, his lips really just naturally curled into a soft smile, and somehow it made the blond think all his efforts hadn't been wasted after all.

With Izaya he felt as though he was riding on a roller coaster.

Just before he had thought everything was over and he wasn´t helping at all and now it almost seemed as if he did just the right thing.

"It can be that easy. You know I mean it," he said quickly, tightening his grip on the raven just the slightest bit. His left arm was still wrapped around the flea, he had been holding him close while he slept so he wasn´t going to slip off him or anything, but right now he really just wanted to keep the flea close to him.

The raven hummed.

"That´s not exactly what I meant." Looking at the sky he noticed a couple of clouds flying past the two. At first it was just one, then two, shortly covering the sun above them and causing the raven to shiver slightly when the cold shadow passed the two.

It wasn´t that he doubted Shizuo was going to keep his promise, that´s not it. It was the effect it had had on him this time that he doubted would be able to be reproduced by something as simple as this.

But right now, he didn´t want to think about the future. Or what he was going to do, how he was going to do it, and what he was supposed to think about Shizu-chan.

Sighing he craned his neck, feeling his hair tips tickle the blond´s shoulders as he glanced at the monster´s face.

It made him snort just the slightest bit. Shizu-chan tilted his head blinking once.

"What?" the blond asked a bit confused, yet not exactly unhappy the raven was laughing. The raven grinned.

"If anyone told me a week ago I would be laying around in your lap, sleeping, I would have asked them if they were crazy," the raven explained, all of a sudden finding this entire situation to be damn hilarious. After all- what was he even doing here?

He knew how it came to this, he knew what the blond had seen of him so far, what they had been through together, so to say.

Shizu-chan had been sticking to him like glue for the past days. Not even leaving his eyes of him for a second.

And yet this situation right now, it was just so out of the usual way they should interact with each other, it suddenly made the raven laugh. He didn´t even know why, it just did.

"If they told me I guess I wouldn´t have believed them either," the blond mumbled, somehow getting what the flea was talking about. It was odd, weird and yet it couldn´t feel any more right.

Even when he let his thoughts trail back to the past, to what Izaya had done and what he was maybe going to do again when he was cured, he somehow couldn´t get to muster that usual rage anymore. Sure, he was still annoyed by the things he had done and maybe even angered.

Who wouldn´t be if they got gangs sent after them each day or ended up losing their jobs constantly because of this flea?

But somehow, it all seemed to matter just so little right now.

Just the slightest his grip tightened on the flea. Having him in his arms like this... it felt pretty damn right.

"You know," the raven mumbled, "I´m sorry for giving you such a hard time." Maybe it was odd to put it this way, but the raven still felt guilty for before. It made no sense since Shizu-chan was a monster and Izaya decided to not care about this exception of humanity way back in time- and still...

He couldn´t just, brush it off as though it didn´t regard him.

"You are doing so much, and trying to help and I mean," he lowered his gaze, avoiding Shizu-chan´s eyes, "... just keeping to behave like this is already pretty damn ungrateful-"

"It´s not." The raven tilted his head once more, wondering if maybe he had heard wrong. But the blond looked pretty serious as he kept his eyes locked with the raven.

"I would rather have you act like you feel than for you to put up some show just for me," Shizuo said, the hand still brushing through Izaya´s black hair in soothing patterns.

He didn´t want Izaya to act as if he were alright, as if he were getting better, just for his sake. He had been impatient, given the flea the feeling that he had to be alright. That he wasn´t allowed to not be, that he should get his act together.

The suggestion alone that Izaya shouldn´t whine so much was almost spelling it out for Shizuo how much he had done wrong.

"That´s not what I´m here for," he repeated firm. This time around he would make sure to do and say the right things.

"Makes me wonder what exactly you are here for," he heard the raven mumble, causing a deep frown to appear on his face.

How- how even did Izaya always manage to complicate everything so much?

"Seriously, stop thinking so much. I´m here because I want to be and I'm helping you because I want to. That´s all there is to it, seriously," he made clear, trying to set this straight once and for all. He didn´t get why this was something so hard to understand. He always did thing he wanted to, even though sometimes it wasn´t the best idea to act on his urges, but he did.

"Seriously?" The raven repeated once more.

"Seriously."

... so simple, hm?

"You know your way of thinking always fascinated me," Izaya mumbled aloud, letting his eyes wander around the scene. "You are just so... _simple_ ," he almost had to grin at the scowl he earned from the blond for that one. "not in a bad sense. I mean, I called you a protozoan because of that, but actually it´s something I wished I could do."

Judging the man´s expression he had succeeded in confusing the blond entirely.

"You want to be stupid?" he asked, obviously really not getting what Izaya was talking about.

"Not stupid," the raven rose his hands in weird gestures, trying to explain somehow, "just, carefree. Not over thinking things," that was probably the thing he envied most of the blond. "Apart from feeling guilty for hurting someone I doubt you even think twice about what others think or say or do-" of course he wasn´t implying that Shizu-chan didn´t think at all, but just- differently. He glanced up at the blond´s face, but he didn´t seem to be offended yet.

"I just feel like I´m collecting everything around me," he continued, reaching down with his right hand to pluck a tiny flower from the ground.

"All their words, their doings," trying to get his thoughts straight he plucked the poor flower´s petals one after the other.

"And some of them just stick harder with me than others. I can´t forget them or just ignore them."

"The people?" Shizuo asked, frowning a bit as he tried to follow the raven´s explanation.

"What they say mainly. How they act, towards others and me I guess." The soft sting he felt each time he saw someone get friendly with Shizuo or pretty much everyone was something he was all too familiar with.

Shizuo had always been a monster that was supposed to be feared. No one was supposed to love him, but him. But people weren´t scared of him.

People approached the monster.

But they shunned Izaya.

"They forget about their encounter with me or just go on forgetting what they said, but I keep thinking over every single word. Always searching hidden meanings, what they actually intended to say and whatever." Always interpreting, always knowing just where he had went wrong, wondering what he had done to deserve the treatment he got.

"For the most people it wouldn´t even be relevant if I existed or not or rather they would have less troubles if I in fact did not exist you know." An intake of breath from the blond´s side made the raven tilt his head to look in his eyes.

"Izaya-"

"Can you deny it?" it was one thing that Shizu-chan didn´t want him to die, but it was a whole different thing to speak for others. "Do you really think the population of Ikebukuro would give a flying fuck if I died? You know as well as I do that you can´t."

... it was a fact.

And so far in his life Izaya had been fine with that fact. He had learned to ignore the way people shunned him. He had learned to appreciate the friendship he had with Shinra and the hatred he shared with Shizu-chan to remain as his only true connections.

"It was fine like that you know. It´s not like I could change it."

It had all been fine like this.

For so many years.

"And yet, ever since I ... turned to be like this, it´s just so easy to see the negative meanings everywhere. So easy to get stuck over something stupid someone said. So easy to dwell on the bad things." All of a sudden even his friendship with Shinra seemed to him like it actually wasn´t any form of connection at all.

Like it wasn´t worth a thing.

He felt detached. As if he had forgotten how to freely interact with these few people he cared about. Things kept piling up, words and opinions and one day he found himself realizing that he had always been alone and yet there were so many people that made him feel as if he were suffocating between them.

"I feel like a cup of water, already full but people keep pouring more in me." This was probably the most accurate he had ever put his feelings into words.

He just felt, done, finished, not able to go on and function properly anymore.

Somehow the imagine reminded him of his favorite cup.

... he threw it all across the room, and now it was broken.

Never getting fixed again the way it was.

The blond stayed quiet. He had wanted to add a few things to what Izaya said, wanted to tell him he was wrong, and yet... he couldn´t really.

He understood what Izaya was trying to say. At least a bit... he couldn´t really say anything to comfort him. Izaya wasn´t stupid. Even if he said things like, those people don´t mean anything bad or something along these lines, he would know he was just trying to cover up the fact that they probably meant it the way Izaya got it.

After all... probably half of Ikebukuro´s population downright hated Izaya... not exactly for no reason either he suspected.

He knew that much, he knew Izaya wasn´t a saint, and yet...

"You would need a cap so people stop pouring water into you then." He didn´t think Izaya deserved to receive this much hatred either.

It was odd but somehow... just a little bit, Izaya reminded him of himself.

Of how he had been when he was a kid. Assholes were calling him whatever and annoying him and he had earned himself a bad reputation and more fights than he could count in a matter of days.

He hadn´t managed to get out of them until this day. And that even though he loved peace and hated violence.

So... he guessed it was somehow the same for Izaya.

With the difference that he could cope, and Izaya not.

He loved humans, as he always put it that way, Shizuo liked to think he was referring to socializing at all and yet everybody hated him... not even Shinra treated him like an actual friend and if Izaya could only see the negative aspects of everything he might even interpret Shinra´s jokes too much.

It reminded him bitterly of how Shinra said Izaya better not come again. ... he had meant it as a joke, because the doctor was stupid like that, and yet he had the feeling Izaya took it way too much to heart.

And if it was like this all the time with everyone...

He didn´t even want to imagine what the raven was thinking up in his head-

It would even make sense why he misunderstood pretty much everything Shizuo tried to help Izaya with.

But it also showed him that what Izaya needed were clear, and straight answers.

"Shizu-chan?" blinking softly the blond snapped out of his thoughts.

"You were so quiet I thought maybe you fell asleep on me."

...

"No, was just thinking." Thinking, hm?

The raven let his eyes slip shut again, just enjoying the soft breeze that was blowing across the scene.

...

The more Shizuo thought about it, the more he found himself thinking he was right. Straightforward.

"You know, Izaya," He could be that way. "You are okay just the way you are," he started. Knowing full well that his might not be the best idea, but... what did he have to lose?

"With all your shitty doings and annoying nicknames, it´s not you who is wrong, it´s the others that just don´t understand," he started.

The raven blinked, a bit surprised at that kind of statement.

"How did you come to that conclusion?" Twisting and ripping the stem of the flower he had picked to tiny bits he listened to the blond. Wondering, what he was aiming at.

"Because this flea in front of me is nowhere near as annoying or despicable as I thought he was." His hands stopped in their movement.

"Ah, you did say you didn´t hate me anymore."

"Yeah... that´s actually right." And yet that wasn´t really what he was trying to say.

He wanted to make Izaya understand because right now he was just able to grasp it so firmly.

He wanted to take this sad flea, he wanted to take him and take him away from all this depressing things.

He wanted to wash these scars of his arms and body.

He wanted to kiss the flea.

He wanted to take these thoughts out of his head.

"I don´t hate you."

His hug tightened on the raven.

"Izaya," hoping he wouldn´t react too badly.

"I think I love you."

**To be continued~**

**DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN C: Liked the cliffhanger? C: no? daww and there I was grinning so much writing it -smirks evil-**

**Well then, this chapter was also fairly, sweet I guess C: No worries though it´s gonna get better and better gradually. Actually, there won´t be many chapters anymore that will be as depressing as the ones you already read C: Sure there are still gonna be slight up and downs, as Shizuo compared it so nicely to a roller coaster, but hey all in all Izzy is on a good way C:**

**Even if he doesn't realize yet xD**

**I´m really sorry for being so late- the chapter was actual done some days ago but internet just decided to be the shittiest prick ever and I couldn´t get my document uploaded -SOBS- but anyway! *0* now I got it x'DDD**

**Also more updates are scheduled for tomorrow xD Honestly speaking I´m not sure if I can get them all done, but hey xD I will finish at least the new bcd chapter C: and most probably the next SD chapter too C: Just about ast I am... not so sure xc Let´s see x'D**

**Ah ALSO! THE GLORIOUS "Shingeki no Shizuo" will start tomorrow! *0*0*0* A new story, since my other story, "No escape" ended now C':**

**Well then, as you can see, I am back *0*0*0* xDDD I have returned form my study month C: To be honest I am still studying, but way less so I can manage the updates in between xDDDD**

**And before I forget- I´m lurking around in tumblr since a few days xDDD My favorite authors got me into it actually and I figured why not create an account xD I´m gonna post my pictures there and post random spoilers trololololo xDDD but also updates on how far I´m actually with my chapters xDDDD If you wanna know why the heck I´m am late or just wanna ask where the hell the new chapters are, I´m there x'DD**

If anyone wants to drop by, just search for **ShirohimesShizayastories xD**

Well then, bye bye~! See you my lovely cookies~! C: 3

**PS.: READ "A matter of life and death" by the Snipster, on taptastic! *0*0*0***

**THIS is the BEST yaoi comic I ever came across! AND she updates regularly! Usually two pages a week, sometimes even 3!**

**AND THE ART IS GORGEOUS**

**THE PLOT IS GORGEOUS**

**I LOVE IT**

**xDDDD**

**Go my dear readers, GO AND SPREAD YOUR LOVE! xD**


	38. ஜ Self hatred ஜ

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Izaya´s point of view-**

...

...

Silence hovered over the scene. If someone had paused to tell Izaya that time had just stopped he may as well have believed it just like that. Because it was what it felt like.

For a moment there was just nothing going on in his head.

Leafs rustled in the wind, he could still feel Shizu-chan´s arms wrapped around him in this secure hold.

He could feel the warmth of the sun shining on his face and yet somehow all of a sudden he felt like he was freezing on the spot.

He had heard Shizu-chan.

Heard what he said.

And yet-

"You think-" he repeated dryly, his tongue not really moving as fast as he wanted it to. "Scratch the think. Izaya, I love you." The words came easy of Shizuo´s lips. Easier than he thought he would be able to say them, but now that they had become so clear in his mind without any doubt left, why should he waver?

"Don´t ask me why or how or since when, I honestly have no idea," he continued, knowing full well that this was probably something Izaya would want to know, because he always wanted him to explain and explain to no ends- but he seriously had no idea when it even started.

Hah, when? He had no idea. Was it when he found him? When he realized that he could be gone?

Was it when they were in his apartment? When he cleaned the knives away? Maybe it was when that mailman came and he had that sudden urge to kiss the flea after what he had said.

No, it wasn´t then, it came crawling. Slowly, but surely.

It may as well have been the moment Izaya just looked at him that night, brushing over his hair and apologizing for something he wasn´t even at fault for.

"You asked me why I am even here, trying to help you," Shizuo continued, tightening his arms around the flea just the slightest bit. "I have been thinking about it. A lot."

A lot was almost an underestimation. He had been wondering about it since the day he ran through the whole of Ikebukuro like a madman when he couldn´t find Izaya in that alley anymore.

Ever since that day this dreadful feeling ion his chest had only started to grow. He could care less if Izaya died, he might as well not give a shit about it, but the more he spent time with the raven, the more he started to get to know him, the more he started to understand-

He couldn't´ describe what he was feeling.

It was frustrating him, driving him to despair to the point he cried and now that he realized just why this was the case he felt as though someone had pierced his heart with an arrow.

Implicated by armor as it often was- at the moment he realized it simply hurt.

Actually hurt and caused pain.

Because he knew what he was feeling for the flea.

And he knew what Izaya was feeling like. At least to a certain degree he knew how bad Izaya had to be feeling all this time. He did think he was able to at least grasp what Izaya was talking about- and more than just telling Izaya for his own sake he just felt he had to tell Izaya because he couldn´t pull off hiding something like this without ending up lashing out at the raven for no reason.

"I just want you to know. So you stop thinking I do this for some kind of purpose," he said so quiet it came out as a whisper.

He went and said it.

And Izaya- Izaya didn´t answer.

He could feel his chest raise and fall under his arms, he knew he was awake, he knew he had heard what he said, but he didn´t say anything yet.

The wind that had blown all the while was starting to pick up in the slightest, rustling the leafs in the trees more and more.

Did Shizu-chan even know what he was talking about?

Izaya couldn´t help but wonder.

Because- what he just said- it couldn´t be true.

A shiver was making its way up his spine and he couldn´t hold back a small tremble from surfacing.

He felt the urge to just get up and walk away.

Pretend he didn´t hear.

The blond had to be confused.

He mixed something up.

No-

His heart that had felt like it was about to burst out of his ribcage calmed down.

No.

He knew why he said that.

"Izaya?" The blond's voice reached his ears oddly muted and the raven wondered for a second if it had been the first or second time Shizu-chan had called his name.

"... you don´t have to reply anything you know." Shizuo said, letting his head thud against the stone behind him, his gaze travelling up to the sky. Clouds were passing by fast.

"I don´t expect you to do anything. I just wanted you to know." He was being honest. He didn´t expect anything for telling how he felt.

This wasn´t about him. It was about Izaya, he wanted to help him and at least as far as it concerned him he felt he could only do that if he kept being honest with the flea.

He kept asking Izaya to tell him whatever he thought, to always say the truth. So how could he be a hypocrite and lie to him in exchange.

Or rather hide.

"Shizu-chan." Shifting his entire attention to the flea his gaze travelled back to the raven. His voice sounded quiet, sighing.

"I still want to die."

...

Shizu-chan was misunderstanding something here. Maybe it was how he expressed himself, maybe it was just the way he acted that made Shizu-chan think this way but- no matter what it was he obviously had confused the blond.

"You loving me..." Izaya started, the words almost feeling like hot iron against his tongue, "... that won´t change anything about how I feel."

Shizuo swallowed hard.

Somehow this felt way harder than anything he ever did. He couldn´t stop a soft frown from appearing on his forehead.

Now he had the answer to the question he didn´t dare ask.

He couldn´t say he didn´t expect it and yet he had hoped at least something had changed. After all this time-

Even if he had just messed up at the beginning- he really did think he had done something right, that he had helped Izaya at least in a way.

But now hearing it like this-

"You ... still want to die?"

Eyes narrowing just the slightest bit Izaya wondered just when or how he had given Shizu-chan the impression that if he said this sort of thing that it would make him feel better.

He didn´t know when or how, but it was obvious he must have given him some sort of clue.

What did Shizu-chan expect him to say. Seriously.

He knew he was staying with him for a few days. He had tried the best he could.

But just a few days weren´t going to miraculously cure him.

And neither would his love confession.

"There is no meaning to this," the raven said, his mind clearing again as he analyzed the situation and pushed himself up to get off the ground. The soft yet firm hold Shizuo had on him kept him from doing so, however, speaking now with a soft voice.

"You didn´t answer my question."

He frowned deeply.

So he wanted a clear answer?

"I still feel like shit Shizu-chan." He wanted him to be honest he may as well tell him what he had been thinking about, tell him just what his mind was occupied with while Shizu-chan tried to get him better. "The whole way we went here. I was wondering what I would do if you left your eyes of me for let´s say an hour."

He knew it was mean to say it like this, and yet-

"... I think I would head for a high building."

To kill himself.

It wasn´t entirely true. Because to be honest Izaya didn´t know what he would really do.

He would wait. Maybe for a bit and see if he could bear this just a bit longer.

But eventually it would come down to the same result again.

Now that he said it aloud like this it sounded even more true to his ears.

He wasn't someone who liked to suffer. Nor someone who enjoyed pain.

He knew himself well enough to know he has had enough of this.

He still remembered that dream he had when he was out due to the pills.

The freeness of any emotion. The relief.

Finally feeling no more pain, no more thoughts, just peace.

With something so tempting in reach ... he doubted he would hesitate for long. And it was exactly this freedom of anything negative that was calling out to him like a siren in a storm.

"Even though you say you love me, it won´t change the way I think."

So what the blond was trying here... wouldn´t work.

Saying that he loved him for the sake of making him feel better about himself, it really wouldn´t work- after all- how could he believe this sort of thing when it was such an obvious lie?

He acknowledged Shizu-chan´s intentions. He knew he was only trying to help with this and yet-

Of all things he could say... seriously.

"So, you can take back what you said," he sighed, managing to push the blond´s hands of his body as he stood up. "I appreciate you are actually willing to go this far to try and make me feel better, but this won´t help me."

Because that was all he was doing.

"What?" The blond asked, his expression showing one of confusion as the raven turned around.

"Shizu-chan. Saying you love me won´t work as some form of magic trick either." After all this was all this was. Another attempt. "I know you are just trying to help, me but this is just wrong."

Confusion spread across the blond´s face he got up from the ground as well, facing the raven- what did he mean it wouldn´t help him?

"Izaya, I am serious." He thought he had expressed himself well enough but it seemed Izaya got everything wrong yet again.

"Tch-" seriously-! "You seem to think I only say things I think you want to hear, but that´s not it." The raven just crossed his arms, listening, a slight frown appearing on his face as though he was trying to make sense of what Shizuo was trying to say.

Ruffling through his hair the blond locked his eyes with the raven´s.

"Izaya, I seriously love you, I´m not just saying this for some purpose." A sad smile crossed the raven´s lips as he sighed.

"Shizu-chan please, just stop lying."

That flea-!

"Izaya, I mean it!" But the raven just crossed his arms, not even replying anything.

"You-" Why was this so hard for Izaya to just believe what he said?! "Do you think I´m just pretending to want to help you? Do you think I enjoy seeing you suffer like this?! Knowing that I can´t help you? You think I´m just imagining this choking feeling when you talk about how you want to die?!" he was getting frustrated, he didn´t know what more he had to do to make the flea realize that he was wrong.

"What do you even think I kissed you for?!"

...

Kissed, huh?

He sure did.

Izaya knew the turmoil it had sent him into, the mess of feelings because for a split second he had hoped this was the reason behind the kiss- this-

Shizu-chan loving him, or at least he said he did-

"You said you didn´t know if I may remind you," he replied, not intending to sound bitter, but he couldn´t control his voice well enough.

He had ignored it, treated it like a onetime thing, like a chase, tried to forget it-

"Izaya, do you think I would kiss anyone just to make them feel better?!"

And now he was put on the spot yet again. He felt as if someone had teleported him back to that moment when Shizuo kissed him, and simultaneously back to that moment when Shizu-chan _almost_ kissed him.

In the kitchen.

"Why can´t you just believe me?!" Because he couldn´t.

Just how was he supposed to believe something like this?!

"What the hell would you love about me?!" he asked, pointing at his own chest- He knew what he was like, he knew what he did-

"I treated you like trash, I framed you, I accused you of things, I called you stupid names, made people shun you-!" counting them up one after the other, the things he did to Shizu-chan, the things he did to just make sure he would keep getting his attention, no matter how just his attention was what was important-

"I hated you and you hated me-!" Shizuo could only listen, the frown growing deeper and deeper as Izaya kept telling him why he shouldn´t love him.

"So what?!" he asked, not getting just what the hell his problem was- the raven was heaving, glaring at him, and even though he seemed like he was incredibly mad he also seemed just so lost and sad.

"Just look at me!" he screamed, his hand finding his way to his chest.

"How can you say you love something like this?!" Izaya didn´t get it- it had to be a lie- it had to be! Because there was no way this could actually happen!

"Something that´s so disgusting to look at?! With scars blood and wounds all over my body, I can´t even eat properly, I can´t even sleep! I can´t even hold a decent conversation with you, I always try to tick you off, and make you use the violence you hate so much-!" All the time he had given his best to annoy and make Shizu-chan hate him- so how?!

"Just what part do you say you love about me when I´m doing nothing but making your life miserable?!"

Always...!

"Open your damn eyes!"

He had always done this.

And this is why he hated Shizu-chan so much. He hated him.

He just hated him for doing this. For making him feel so much when he was already spilling over.

"Izaya-"

He was the worst. Scum. He didn´t even like himself.

So how? How could Shizu-chan say something like that?!

It had to be a cruel joke.

A lie.

He deserved to be hated for the things he did to him.

For the trouble he caused him.

"Fuck-" the blond swore, letting out a stuttering breath the raven looked up, he didn´t even notice when he had avoided Shizu-chan´s eyes. A step was taken towards him and the raven took one of the same length back.

"Stay away-" he heard himself say although it sounded so quiet he wondered why.

"The hell I am."

Before he knew it a hand had grasped his own, tugging him forwards harshly. Hands wrapped around him and he found himself trapped in a hug he didn´t want.

No.

"Let go-" he said, lifting his hands and pushing at the blond´s chest to try and pry himself away, but of course the blond didn´t budge.

"Izaya, I didn´t tell you my feelings so you can try and talk me out of it." The raven stilled, feeling something hot and wet drop on the backside of his hands.

He hadn´t noticed he started crying.

"I told you because you deserve to know. Especially now, when you seem to think so fucking bad of yourself," the blond continued, in a voice so soft, Izaya really wondered just why he was even keeping up with him. Why he wasn´t just giving up and telling him to go fuck himself.

After everything he did, after everything he said, he just didn´t understand. He tried so hard to push the blond away, to just make him hate him- so how? Why?

After everything he did, he knew he wasn´t able to forgive himself for what he did. Ever since he framed Shizu-chan in high school he knew he had overstepped a boundary, he had crossed a line. He didn´t deserve the blond.

"Izaya," the blond continued, after not hearing anything from the raven in response. "I don´t expect you to change in any way. I don´t expect you to react anyway. Or to do anything at all, seriously," honestly Shizuo didn´t even know anymore what was the right thing to say and what not.

"I just want you to know that you are loved, that I seriously _love_ you." He couldn´t emphasize the word enough, "And I really mean _love_ , okay? It was probably stupid to tell you, I know that, but even if it´s only me, you deserve to know that kind of thing."

Drop after drop the tears flowed down his cheeks, the blond would kill if he could just understand what Izaya was thinking. Why he was acting like this, why he didn´t believe him.

"What the hell do you love about me?" The raven mumbled quiet, so quiet it sounded more like he had asked himself than Shizuo. As if to prove Shizuo´s suspicion the raven shook his head right away, sighing, "You are wrong Shizu-chan. You say you love me but I´m pretty sure you don´t."

"You can´t know what I feel."

"I don't need you Shizu-chan!" the raven burst out.

"I never asked you to do any of the things you did!"

"I never asked you to stay!" To be honest this felt almost like torture.

"I never asked you to say these things!"

Izaya didn´t know what to do. He didn´t know what to believe.

Because there was no way Shizu-chan could love him. And if he believed him now and later on Shizu-chan realized it was only pity after all-

He couldn´t take it.

The thought alone was ripping him apart.

"Then see for yourself."

The raven blinked, looking at Shizuo again. The expression he wore was expressing many things the raven found himself unable to pinpoint. There was a frown on his face, yet he didn´t seem angry, he looked sad, but then again he looked like he wanted to cheer him up, his voice was soft, but he could feel the tension behind his lips.

"As I said, I don´t ask you to do or say anything," he started, "I just want you to know. So if it makes you feel better you can just treat this as if I never said a thing."

...

As if he never said anything?

That certainly... would be something he knew how to deal with.

"If you really loved me that would be pretty hard on you though," he threw in, feeling as though he had finally found an argument to expose Shizu-chan´s lie.

"You are worth it."

Except he didn´t expect that answer.

Feeling a raindrop tap on his nose he could do nothing but look at the blond for a moment.

Worth it?

Him?

Of all the things he could have said.

He had heard many things in his life, many lies, but no one ever had put their words quite like Shizu-chan did.

"Come on flea, we are getting wet," the blond mumbled, the rain starting to pick up more and more. He grabbed his wrist, gentle, but he wasn´t puling him, just stood there, waiting for him to follow or not.

But oddly...

Izaya felt tranquil.

Maybe not tranquil. Just- like someone had dropped him into the sea. He couldn´t decide what to do.

The mess of feelings had calmed down a bit just like that with these few words.

Was it the way Shizu-chan put it, maybe he was just finally going insane after all-

He knew what Shizu-chan said.

He didn't believe it.

But at the same time, he knew what Shizu-chan had said.

And he knew Shizu-chan didn´t lie.

But he also knew he wasn´t forced to decide what he wanted to believe yet.

"Yeah, we should go."

And it was then that he realized he had _time_ to think about this.

All the time in the world.

He didn´t need to react in any way, he didn't need to say anything, Shizu-chan didn´t ask him to, he didn´t even need to believe it now.

He could just let it rest there, in a corner of his mind.

And somehow that put him at ease.

**To be continued~ C:**

**Now this... was complicated xD if anyone ended up being confused, don´t worry I think I´m confused myself C': but to throw the main point out there, Izaya can´t deal with Shizuo's confession right now. He just can´t. He doesn´t know what to do with it. He hates himself just so much, he seriously can´t believe anyone would love him, especially not Shizuo. For anyone thinking this was a stupid moment to tell Izaya, actually I think it was the best moment he could choose- but more to that in later chapters C': Everything will be explained probably once a certain chapter passed xD Which will be like chapter... 41? Yeah maybe that could be about it C':**

**Izaya realized something really important today. He gave himself time. He isn´t rushing anything, he realized he doesn't have to think of a solution right away, he learned that he can just, wait, let it rest, think about it later. To put it simple- just chill for a bit gosh xD**

**Well then~! That´s is for today xD I hope you liked this cuz it was extra damn long and extra hard to write xDDD**

**Well then, with that being said, see you in 14 days~! C:**

 


	39. ஜ A positive perspective ஜ

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Izaya´s point of view-**

It was as though the weather itself didn´t want the two to stay outside any longer as the rain that had started to drip upon them turned into a mercilessly stream of cold water pouring from the sky.

With no sign of stopping anytime soon of course.

Drip drop drip drop, cold droplets kept falling from the grumpy sky. Fairly fast the ground took on a new, darker color and the plants collected the precious liquid at the tips of their leaves. One two three drops fit into one of the green little boats until they bent over and poured the content out, only to get filled again right after.

A ladybird was sitting on the stem of a flower, hiding from the rain, the raven noted as he let his eyes travel around his surroundings.

It was fairly quiet. For once no one was talking, the only sound that reached his ears was the dripping sound of water as they waited for the next train.

Crawling upwards the ladybird moved towards the flower top.

With his hands in his pockets the raven leant against the wall of the tiny train station. Doing the same as the caterpillar, as there was a small ledge protecting them both from the rain.

...

A glance was thrown to the side. Shizu-chan was still standing there in silence. No more words left his lips. And yet Izaya felt as though the blond was talking to him nonstop.

In his memory at least.

He was... worth it, huh?

He wondered what it was about this simple set of words that caused Izaya's mind to linger on them. Among all the things Shizu-chan had said there had been many more obvious traces on how he was trying to make him feel better or times where he really just said the truth and yet it were these four words that kept circling in his mind as if someone had stopped time and kept repeating the scene over and over again.

Maybe it was because it was something no one ever told him?

Not quite phrased like this perhaps.

He doubted anyone would express themselves like this.

Every other human would probably chose other words for what the blond was trying to say, and yet it was just in the brute´s nature to remain so overly simple that it drove the raven insane.

The meaning was so clear and yet so ambiguous at the same time.

The hand on his wrist was still there, not squeezing, but not letting go of him either. Reaching the train station again they finally slipped under the small ledge of the building´s roof.

"Guess the trip is over now." It was Shizuo´s voice who had spoke, the palm on his hand tightened softly, as if to call out to the raven and say: hey, say something.

…

He didn´t really have the urge to respond however.

Glancing to the left he looked at the blond that had said so many things just now and yet acted like nothing happened at all.

He said he could ignore it. He could ignore everything he said.

He suggested something that sounded so sweet and yet it was almost impossible. The hand that had encircled his wrist almost felt like fire against his skin in the cold rain.

Izaya was filled with want.

He wanted information, he wanted to know what exactly was going on in Shizu-chan´s head.

He wanted that love the blond promised, never had ceased wanting it every since he first met him in Raira.

And yet he wanted to forget what he just said.

He wanted to have him.

He wanted to hate him.

He wanted to love him.

He wanted to go back to the way he was before all of this happened.

All of this, just go back a few months in time.

He said he could ignore it, Shizu-chan that is, he said he was worth it to just keep staying with him like this without anything in return.

Izaya didn´t get it, putting it like this, his actions spelled so much more than what the blond had ever managed to say.

Screeching and loud a new train suddenly approached the station, jerking the raven out of his thoughts.

He didn´t even know how long they had been waiting- the blond hadn´t said anything apart from the single sentence.

Was he avoiding words? Words that might just be wrong at the moment?

He couldn´t blame Shizu-chan for tiptoeing around him like a box of broken egg shells.

Maybe he was one.

Screeching the doors to the train opened and the two stepped inside wordlessly.

When they had come here Izaya had been a tad annoyed, sad, just tired- and now how was he supposed to describe his feelings?

The blond had deliberately given him a choice he was too scared to take. Shizuo could have just kissed him again, could have just said he was going to treat him like a lover whether he wanted to or not- maybe Izaya even wanted something like that. Being forced into things was easy. He didn't need to do anything, to invest himself emotionally, he could deny everything and shove him away the second he felt uneasy.

But like this Shizu-chan did it in a way, that forced Izaya to choose for himself.

The problem was he didn´t even know what he wanted. Or rather- he didn´t know if responding with what he wanted was a good idea.

Quietly they stood next to each other. People were filling the train, coming and going. They were even standing in the same place.

Just like before and yet somehow now it was all different.

Worry was ruling over Shizuo´s mind as he kept watching the quiet raven. His eyes were fixated on the train´s window, though he didn´t really look like he was paying attention to the outside.

It seemed rather as if he were in deep thoughts- ever since they waited at the train station he seemed that way. And Shizuo seriously had no idea if it was a good idea to let him think or not.

"What are you thinking about?" Children were squealing in the train, their mothers trying to get them to be quiet as the blond quietly whispered the question.

The raven didn´t react, and he almost thought he mightn´t have heard him. But when he opened his mouth again to ask once more, the raven glanced over his shoulder after all.

"You." A bit surprised the blond let his mouth slip shut again.

Honestly speaking he was pleasantly surprised- judging his stoic expression he thought Izaya was thinking about… about what he had said earlier. To be honest, hearing these kind of words from the raven´s lips had made his stomach do a back flip.

He had suspected that he didn't help Izaya a lot, that he didn´t really change his mind all too much, but suspecting it and hearing it were still completely different things.

"If it´s about before you really don´t have to… you know-" the blond mumbled softly, feeling as though the raven might just force himself into something or over think things again.

Letting his glance follow the raven´s he watched the raindrops outside the window. The rain was letting up it seemed the more they approached Shinjuku.

Only few drops were sticking to the invisible material, collecting and racing for the ground.

"... you said I´m worth it," the raven mumbled, as though he wanted to answer Shizuo´s question honestly. "I´m wondering how exactly you came to that conclusion."

How-

A soft frown found its way onto Shizuo´s expression.

"...of all the things I said that´s what you remember?" Then again it probably wasn´t a matter of remembering but rather analyzing the words.

A shrug followed, making it seem as though the raven didn´t want to talk any more about it.

But thinking about what he said on his own…. Shizuo felt uneasy. What if he ended up interpreting something he didn´t even mean into his words? He had no idea what the hell anyone could misunderstand here, but with Izaya he wasn´t too sure.

"Want me to elaborate?" he asked instead using the fancy word Izaya all too often, making the raven glance over his shoulder once again.

"No, don´t. I have a feeling you might end up saying something stupid and it will destroy the meaning."

"How can I destroy the meaning?" the blond inquired, raising an eyebrow questioningly. Only a shrug followed as an answer and instead the blond noticed that the flea was trembling a bit.

"Are you cold?" the raven snorted in response.

"I feel like a drowned rat of course I´m cold."

… now that he said it- when they had went to the train station before it had already been pouring.

The raven´s clothes and hair were entirely soaked.

At the moment of speaking there was a raindrop collecting at one of Izaya´s bangs, about to fall down.

Reaching forward without thinking the blond brushed over the silky hair, catching the raindrop before it could fall down on Izaya´s nose.

It was only when he noticed Izaya´s odd glance that he noticed what he did.

"Sorry-" but the raven just shrugged.

"I don´t mind."

Of all the things Shizu-chan did, this was obviously one of the least affecting ones.

Sighing the raven turned around to face the train´s window again.

Seriously though…

Izaya really wondered about it. What did he do to make Shizu-chan think he loved him?

He was treating him like shit most of the time, showing him only his worst sides- was it that, did Shizu-chan like that sort of thing, seeing him at his worst?

… no, it didn´t struck him as the answer to his question.

It was tiring to think about it.

What did it matter anyway?

Whether Shizu-chan hated him or loved him, he had decided to cut off whatever feelings there were when Shizu-chan walked away from him, when he was alone in his apartment.

He had decided to call it quits, quit this stupid game called life, he wouldn´t have to think about anything anymore ever again.

And yet now that he had been forced to go on he was thinking about nothing else.

He felt almost stupid for this train of thoughts.

He wished Shizu-chan would just leave him alone and yet he knew that wasn´t possible.

He didn´t even really want him to leave anymore.

And then there was this tiny spark, this _want_ to just give up all resistance already, and just drop being cautious, just stop.

So what if he got hurt so what if the pain was going to be greater than anything he had known?

There was a part of him that just wanted to tell this complicated thoughts to go fuck themselves and just accept whatever the blond decided to throw at him.

So far it had only been at least attempts of something good.

Deep down he wanted it, he wanted to give the blond a chance, to stop thinking about what would happen after it, what he would do, what he would feel like, and on top of all, what it would do to the blond when he still didn´t get better.

He loved Shizu-chan. He knew it, he had always hated it and he was glad Shizu-chan didn´t know it- but if he told Shizu-chan this sort of thing what would he do?

He wouldn´t just stop feeling like shit, at times worse at times less, just because they would be dating.

Wouldn´t Shizu-chan take it as an indicator that he didn't mean it?

Wouldn´t he shove him away then? Maybe even accuse him of lying?

Just the thought of that felt as if an arrow pierced his chest. Made him feel like he was going to suffocate.

He wouldn´t be able to take that kind of doubt and words. Not when he was putting himself on the line, his real feelings, not when he was revealing everything to the blond- his entire being.

It was a level of trust he didn´t think they would ever reach.

Screeching the train´s doors opened again, a familiar electronic voice announcing his home station. Wordlessly they both got off the train. People were staring at them, as they had been all the time now considering Shizu-chan was still stubbornly close to the raven, holding his hand and stuff, and yet Izaya seriously didn´t care for once.

He didn´t know what it was, but what Shizu-chan said had affected not only his thinking. Sure his mind was going around in circles, that it did, but somehow he also felt a bit... relieved?

Maybe it was why he was at a lack of words.

The silence was comforting- for once not torturing, but actually nice. He spent the whole day ranting about whatever came to mind, making up metaphors throwing in some sarcasm and syllogisms to throw anyone of that was willing to listen to his words. It was something he did when he was tense, he knew himself well enough to accept that much.

The worse he felt the more he talked, it had been a way of dealing with whatever was weighing on his mind. Even talking to himself or acting as if there were other people to talk to had proven to lighten the tension he constantly found himself being trapped within.

But right now there was simply no need to chase anything away- because there was nothing there to chase.

While his thoughts did go in circles they weren´t anything he was negatively bothered by. Of course they worried him, they made him wreck his head and frustrated him just a bit, but they weren´t negative by definition.

Almost the opposite- it had truly been a while since he had actually bothered to think about something as hard as he did about the negativities of his life.

The only feeling that came to mind thinking about it was just that one word- relief.

Something that didn´t fit his current situation at all and yet he couldn't think of anything more perfect to use.

It was the rattling of keys as they unlocked his door, that pulled him back to the present as he followed the blond inside his apartment. A short glance at the clock in the living room told him that they had merely been away for a few hours. It had felt so much longer than that.

Especially considering he had slept while they were gone. Quite fondly the raven recalled the warmth and comfortableness he had experienced on their little trip.

Glancing at the main cause of it he noted that the blond looked just as worried, if not even more, than he had in the train.

Love, hm?

He wondered what Shizu-chan´s definition of love was.

Definitely someone he cared about- if nothing else. Someone he loved would have to be special of some sort- if not generally then at least towards him.

Maybe a form of being attached to someone, being used to have someone by his side.

Cat owners are prone to tell their cats how much they love them- it was the same term yet a completely different meaning. He didn´t suspect Shizu-chan to confuse like with love, but maybe he was blurring some boundaries.

Shizu-chan had always been unpredictable, the only human he never managed to fully read.

And yet, no matter how much he thought about it- Shizu-chan saying he loved him... no matter what angle he used to look at the meaning, no matter how he tried to twist the words, he couldn´t deny that Shizu-chan cared.

Actually cared.

About him nonetheless.

To his brain it sounded like something impossible and yet he knew his logic was flawless. It didn´t matter what he thought about himself, how worthless he viewed his own self- and god beware he didn´t even want to look at what a sight he had become-

Shizu-chan had come to the conclusion that he was a likeable, maybe even loveable person- and he really wanted to find out why.

**To be continued~**

**Sorry for taking so damn long urgh- xc By the time I noticed I´m being a late shit a fucking month had already passed *gasps* OAO**

**I´m sorry xD But now I will be updating regularly again C: I actually had the chapter ready on Saturday but whelp internet decided to fuck me over and I couldn´t update xD like literally xD But now I got some for a bit xD**

**So let´s look at the chapter- this has been an awful lot of thinking, hasn´t it? xD Sorry, I guess you expected more... action to take place xD maybe something dramatic or ah I don´t know, but I really wanted to show what´s going on in Izaya's mind right now.**

**Because actually thinking about it, Shizuo was right last chapter wasn´t he? He thought he wanted to tell Izaya, because Izaya deserves to know that at least one person if no one else, loves him for who he is.**

**Call it instinct, or coincidence, but it actually triggered the raven to really think about Shizu-chan´s words, and not dismiss them as a lie, a prank, an attempt of comfort and so on. Basically I just wanted to pull Izaya´s thinking in a more positive direction- lmao everyone is waiting for the positive things already aren´t ya? xD**

**Slow people xD Slowly, but surely C': And sorry again for taking so long to update xD**

**Next chapter WILL be out in 14 days C: And they will be talking more in it than just three sentences xDDD**

**Oh and on Saturday, now that I think about it xDDD**

**My university schedule changed with the new semester and Monday seems like the shittiest option right now to post chapters xˋDDD So from now on look out for chapters on Saturday haha C': (or early Sunday morning lmao)**

**Well then, the next update will follow on Saturday the 22** **nd** **-! *0***

**See you there C:**

**PS.: I updated a speedpainting video on youtube of how i coloured my profile pic xD if you want to check it out just google " Shizaya speedpainting SD chap 3" C: You should find it easily xD**

**PPS.: Those waiting for the Bcd update- I will update that one tomorrow ! Big promise xD**

 


	40. ஜ Would I...? ஜ

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Izaya´s point of view-**

Show it, huh?

Finding himself back in a position he had been in already the raven glanced into the kitchen.

Shizuo was standing there- He hadn't lost a single word since they returned to the apartment. Nothing about the love confession nothing about what Izaya had told him when he confronted him with it, nothing.

He was just keeping quiet.

It made the raven wonder- on one hand he wanted Shizu-chan to say something, he wanted to know what was going on in his head, wanted him to maybe tell him what the fuck he was supposed to think.

He was tired of trying to find a solution all by himself.

He knew he couldn't just ignore what had happened today.

Hell he couldn't ignore what had happened up until now.

It was as though someone had suddenly told Izaya and shown him just what had even been happening the past days.

Everything just passed in a kind of blur, Izaya had never really bothered to actually stop and think.

Sue that brain of his that he used for schemes all the time, no. He was just letting himself be carried by- well by what?

Life?

Maybe it was exactly this that was wrong.

He felt like he was floating. Ever since that day, the day Shizu-chan found him in the alley, the day he decided it would simply, be over- everything- he just had stopped … doing something. Stopped living properly, maybe. He didn't even know how to express what he felt, but the term he could come to terms with the most was probably, that, floating.

Like a bubble, or a feather.

He had let Shizu-chan carry him around like the wind carried the bubbles.

And now, that he was actually pausing for a second, and not just waiting for whatever to get thrown at him he felt as though he … wanted to do something.

It was a feeling he hadn't felt in a long time.

Was it restlessness? Maybe.

Was it because Shizu-chan had confessed what he thought were his feelings for him?

Profoundly so.

And yet it wasn't just that.

It wasn't the confession. It wasn't even the kiss- that he remembered all too clearly from this morning. No.

That's not even it.

Shizu-chan had triggered something in him, Izaya couldn't even point a finger at the time or which words it were that caused it, but it was Shizu-chan that did.

Letting his head sink back into the cushion of his sofa the raven stared at the ceiling.

Yeah, he wanted Shizu-chan to talk, to tell him something, maybe help him sort his thoughts.

But then again he didn't want the blond to speak and end up confusing him even more.

His head was already a mess inside out, no matter from which perspective he looked at it, so he was equally annoyed as well as glad for the silence.

Show it.

Yeah, the blond had shown him what he was feeling, thinking, hell Shizu-chan never even bothered to hide anything. He was simple, straightforward, nothing the raven had ever been.

Maybe he was just as confused as him.

Just in the morning he had said he wasn't sure what he felt for the raven. Shizu-chan had said he didn´t know, but that it was something. And now he claimed to be sure it was love.

Had it been a different time, a different setting, hell maybe four months earlier, what would Izaya have done if Shizu-chan had told him that?

Four months earlier?

Imagining what his old self would have done was surprisingly much easier than imagining what he should do now.

He would have forced him away. Probably hurt his brother or done something equally cruel and disgusting. Or would he have?

Closing his eyes for a moment the raven frowned and tried to imagine what he had even been trying to pretend to be?

A god? Most certainly not. It had always been fun to act like one, and start speeches about it while Namie was listening, making her purposely think he was crazy, yeah indeed, he had enjoyed those times.

But he never truly saw himself as a god. Above all the other humans, yes, yes indeed, that was something he had always firmly believed, that he stood above them. And it was true in a sense, with all his plans and schemes and knowledge about so many unimportant things he could manipulate and trick them into doing things almost like he imagined a god would.

But that wasn't what he _wanted_.

That was what he _enjoyed_ every now and then.

He wondered when exactly it had started- the fleeting it is, the disappearance of this joy he used to have. He was happy with his life, he really was.

His job fulfilled him, making use of his skills, he was being looked up to by certain silly students and members of the yakuza, he had money to no ends, no worries at all. The only bad thing that ever happened to him was probably Simon´s fairly hard punch in his face and the blue eye that resulted from that.

….

That … and Shizu-chan.

He had always viewed him as a monster.

Because he was one.

…

Hearing the man clatter in his kitchen the raven paused in his thoughts, correcting himself with a soft sigh.

No. Shizu-chan wasn´t a monster. He was anything but one.

If anyone was a monster, then it was him. Maybe that's why he despised the blond so much the second they first met.

He could manipulate everyone into thinking whatever he wanted them to.

And then there was Shizu-chan.

Seeing him as he was.

The first reaction was one that Izaya had never expected. Maybe it was this so called instinct or some kind of brutish sixth sense.

But it was at exactly that moment that everything came breaking down.

Because Shizu-chan was the first person to see what he really was like. To just bluntly look through all his masks as if they weren't there. Even Shinra had no clue up until today what kind of an asshole Izaya really was, be it about Celty or other minor things, he had lied and betrayed the man more often than he even noticed.

Sure he had forgiven him, and was his friend, and he liked him, but Shizu-chan was different to a degree he couldn't possibly compare.

He wondered why but the moment he felt that guy just tear through everything he had built up around him, through all these walls and games, he just felt pure hatred, and… something else.

Was it odd that he wanted Shizu-chan to like him exactly for what he really was? Was it odd to not want to manipulate the man?

Izaya had always told thousands of clients how no one could tame the brute, how no one could possibly use him.

That wasn't even it.

If anything Shizu-chan was probably the easiest person to use of all the humans he had ever met.

His rage and temper, combined with his undying love for his brother, he couldn't think of a better example to make the blond do what he wanted to.

And yet- he would never take advantage of him.

If he ever managed to he felt something would break.

Something inside him, something he loved to think they had- he didn't even know.

But if he really managed to manipulate and trick Shizu-chan, then who would be left to really know him as he really was? Who would be left to accept him the way he was?

He had always made sure to never show any fake side to Shizu-chan. He showed him his joy in their chases, he showed him his hatred whenever it surfaced, he deliberately threw the blond into his schemes without manipulating him just so he would never forget about him.

So he would keep hating him for what he was, so that he would continue seeing him as what he really was.

If Shizu-chan had confessed to him four months before, if he told him before he decided throwing everything away would be the best option- it would have exhilarated him, wouldn't it?

He wouldn't have believed it, hell his heart felt like bursting and constricting at the same time just thinking about what the blond had said before. He felt like crying too, but bit his tongue.

Love was dangerous.

He couldn't trust it. He could trust Shizu-chan, that much he knew, that much he probably had always done. The reason he was never afraid of Shizu-chan, was probably because he knew the man knew him inside out. Because he felt the man truly understood him- of course that's why he hated him, but even more than that Shizu-chan probably had always known how miserable he was.

And Shizu-chan did not seriously harm people like that. He would never really harm him, not to mention kill him- their whole chase had been but one huge game- and up to this day Izaya was just exhilarated by the fact that Shizuo kept taking part in it.

He didn't once miss out on a chance to dash after him when he encountered him on the streets.

Sometimes Izaya felt as though Shizu-chan was doing it _for_ him.

When they were on the streets there were just these moments where everything was alright, where nothing counted but how fast Izaya was able to run and how quick he managed to escape.

He had shown him indeed.

Thinking about it now, Shizu-chan had shown him all along exactly what he was thinking. What he was doing, what he wanted, what he cared about, what he hated.

Izaya wasn't stupid. He knew that Shizu-chan knew what love was. And no matter how much he tried to deny it what the blond felt for him was probably really what he had felt for him for years.

It was almost hilarious. Of all the things Shizu-chan had understood about him, this feeling that he harbored for the man was something he seemed to have never discovered.

Noticing everything, except this part was probably what made Shizu-chan hate Izaya so much.

And that's why Izaya could never tell him to this day. He felt like he would break what they had- and saying something like this out loud, it would have changed everything.

If he had even believed him, which he doubted Shizu-chan would have ever done, it would have ended in a disaster.

It had been better the way it was.

Their daily chases, leaving izaya in his belief that they shared a special kind of bond, and be it based on hatred, it was a bond at least- it had been better.

He would have told Shizu-chan to fuck off if he had told him this before. maybe Izaya would have left the city too. Running away was something he undeniably was skilled at, wasn´t it?

It was an easy way out and the only option that came to mind.

But now? After everything that happened?

Feeling the couch shift next to him, he glanced at Shizu-chan.

The man wasn't saying anything, just sitting there. Those hands folded between his knees. He had noticed his glance, but he made no move to say anything.

The harsh sound of a ringing phone, made them both flinch as it tore through the silence.

Izaya hadn't even noticed just how quiet it had been in the apartment until it rang.

Almost relieved for the momentarily distraction, the raven picked up quickly

"Yes?"

The flea's voice sounded somewhat hoarse and forced. Like he was struggling to even speak or having just been woken from a dream.

Feeling his expression turn into that familiar frowning one again, the blond tried to catch any of the words that were being spoken on the other end of the call.

…

Was what he had done today right? He had been wondering about it ever since it started to rain. He knew how hard Izaya was struggling with himself at the moment. He knew he was giving his best just to keep being there, being him, and maybe get better.

He went on saying things he thought would help for him to know, and yet he felt as though he messed up again.

Looking at the man next to him Shizuo couldn't help but think that the flea looked … weak. No not weak. Fragile. Apart from obvious traits like him being a bit malnourished and his skin being paler than he wanted him to be it was just his entire body language that expressed something that sounded like, help me.

And hell it killed him to know that he couldn't do anything to actually reach out to him.

It made him nervous, and yet he was calm. He knew he had all the time in the world, he would keep watching Izaya just until he was fine again, completely fine, there was no risk anymore- the immediate threat of Izaya disappearing on him had vanished the moment he realized Izaya couldn't with him there.

But still- he didn't want to torture the flea. Fuck no he wanted anything but that. He wanted to make him happy- that was probably the ultimate goal, but for now he wanted to at least make him feel better than he was at the moment.

He wondered what it was that Izaya hated so much about himself.

Shizuo could relate, self hatred was something he had experienced firsthand more often than he wanted to remember. After hurting people he cared about, being called a monster, it had always hurt and yet it didn't destroy him quite like it did with Izaya.

If anything it ignited an urge to better himself, to gain control over his temper, to search for peace. And hell he even made it, he had friends, friends that weren't afraid of him, he had finally found a job he didn't get fired from, people were starting to grow less scared of him. He was learning to control his anger at least a bit.

So he really hoped that somehow he could help Izaya come to this point too.

"Got it. See you, Shiki-san." Snapping the phone shut again the raven ended the call.

Frowning a bit at the name the blond looked at the raven.

"Shiki? Isn't that that shitty guy from before?" Just remembering how he had threatened Izaya to hurt, no scratch that, to kill him, made his blood boil. "What did he want?"

It was a bit strange to think about it since he had never really given that much of a damn about who treated Izaya in what way, but now just thinking about it made him want to go on a rampage.

Shrugging the raven let himself slump back on the couch again.

"They caught whoever was stealing drugs apart from me, and now they think he stole the first load too." Blinking the blond realized what that meant.

"So-" as if Izaya knew what he was going to say he nodded in affirmation.

"Basically they think I did nothing wrong at all. He apologized. Lucky me, ne?"

To say he was relieved about that information was a huge underestimation. Not that he wouldn't have bashed those bastards face's in, but it was still the yakuza- Shizuo wasn't stupid, he knew what it meant if they were out for your head.

"That's actually good news for once."

…

Again the silence returned to the room. He wondered if Izaya wanted him to talk or not, but to him it felt sort of heavy. Opening his mouth to speak the blond wanted to break the silence, but the raven beat him to it.

"I'm tired, I'm heading to bed." Closing his mouth again the blond watched the raven as he got up from the couch.

Somehow Shizuo couldn't help but feel like the raven knew he was about to say something and avoided a conversation on purpose.

Groaning softly the blond got up from the couch as well- fuck. If he had know things would turn out like this and it would turn out to be even more difficult to talk to Izaya he would have kept his mouth shut.

Izaya seemed so awfully tranquil. It made Shizuo feel as though he had now finally managed to lock himself out completely.

Casting a glance over his shoulder the raven looked at the blond that was following him to the bedroom.

"You are accompanying me?" A bit surprised the flea actually talked to him the blond paused in his steps.

"Yeah," he mumbled. Was he maybe interpreting things wrong? "I'm tired too." And suddenly there was something like a soft smile flashing over the raven´s lips for but a second, surprising the blond to a degree that left him speechless.

"Liar."

… being called a liar, he should be angry or maybe frustrated, since it was what Izaya had been telling him all day- and yet right now it just seemed like… a joke?

Honestly speaking Shizuo slowly but surely felt like just going and punching something until it was destroyed just to get rid of this frustration, restlessness and confusion-

"And if I said I just want to watch you sleep?" The blond said instead, hoping that he really hadn't just imagined that soft smile. And really he hadn´t.

Letting himself drop on top of the bed the raven snorted and glanced at him.

"That would be creepy, Shizu-chan."

Saying that Shizuo felt like a stone just lifted from his chest was more than just an underestimation. The flea was acting so nonchalant, he even made a joke, it was almost as if he were acting just as usual just like he always did, just like he always had.

And hell Shizuo knew that this time it wasn't some kind of stupid mask or attempt to make him believe something.

He didn't know why he was so sure about that, but he just felt it in his guts.

"So speechless? The past days you were rambling and telling me things nonstop." The raven went on, making himself comfortable in his bed.

"Are you still thinking about what I said?" Feeling the need to slap himself for asking that the blond regretted the question as soon as it slipped of his lips- but it was just what he had been wondering about ever since they left that place and now that the flea seemed so normal he just-

"A bit yeah." Again Shizuo was just left in amazement.

He hadn't expected an answer. Everything, but definitely not an honest answer.

"Izaya-"

"Shizu-chan, just let me think for a while longer, okay?"

A while? Swallowing the words he had been about to say the blond respected his wish and nodded.

"Okay." Izaya could have all the time in the world if he wanted. Laying down next to the raven the blond couldn't help but smile. He felt an urge to brush a strain from Izaya's face that covered his eye, but he settled for Izaya's hand instead. Slithering his palm around the man's wrist he watched the flea letting his eyes close content.

"Night, Shizu-chan." Maybe what he had done hadn't been so wrong after all.

"Good night, flea."

**To be continued~**

**Well then, this chapter wasn't as painful or sad as the others now was it? c': I told you everything would get better xD sloooowwwwlllyyy xDDD Very very slow xDDDD But oh well C: This chapter killed me tho xD Fried my brain xD haha the future chapters will have more convo in them again xD That will be easier to write phew C':**

**Just as a little info, ast will be coming out tomorrow xD i fried my brain writing this today and I am sick of writing for now x'DDDDDD My hands gahhh xD**

**Next chapter will be out on May the 6th~! C: See you all there xD**

 


	41. ஜ Confession ஜ

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

Silence. That´s what the raven expected to, well, not hear when he woke up. Slowly but surely he opened his eyes, looking at nothing but his all too familiar ceiling. It had been so quiet the past days whenever he woke up.

Shizu-chan would be there, ask him how he felt or something similar to those lines, or maybe just spare him one of that glances he liked to throw at him recently.

Yet this morning it wasn't quiet at all.

_***THUM THUMP THUMP*** _

Rather loud and violent he could hear the sounds coming from his living room. Curses and hisses were whispered here and there, there was no sight of the blond either. Just that rhythmical noise.

Not yet pushing himself up from the bed the raven decided to stay in the bed some more.

The blanket had wrapped around his body, part of it being tangled between his legs while the rest was awkwardly draped over his shoulders.

He had a feeling the blond might just have put it that way considering it was quite impossible to move his hands like this without making it fall off.

his head resting on the side of the pillow he just spent a minute looking at the empty half of his bed. Folds in the pillow and mattress indicated that someone had indeed slept there.

Reaching forward the raven let his palm brush over the spot.

Cold.

The blond must have gotten up quite early considering the clock at his bedside table read only 7 am.

For a moment the noise in the living room stopped. Curses were to be heard and the sound of something ripping apart caught his ears before the initial noise resumed.

Curiosity was pulling just slightly at his conscience as he wondered just what the blond was doing there.

He wanted to know, and he probably would have gone down right away, if it weren't for yesterday´s events.

Slowly the hand draped upon the empty mattress curled into a loose fist.

_"I think I love you."_

…

So much was lingering on his mind. It confused him, frustrated him, but now after waking up he felt more collected.

_"I just want you to know that you are loved, that I seriously love you."_

Shizu-chan certainly was the only person he knew being straight forward enough to even say this kind of thing out aloud without the slightest hint of nervousness.

Shizu-chan gave him time.

He knew that.

Rolling onto his back, the blanket falling off his body as he predicted it to, he looked at the ceiling again.

Considering the blond's words he didn't even have to reply anything in the first place.

He could just ignore what happened, pretend nothing ever did happen, he was good at that sort of thing as well- and he knew he could do that.

It would be an easy option.

And yet he couldn't help but feel a need to respond to his feelings.

A few days ago everything had just been so- unimportant. Useless, gray and just nothing mattered. Especially in these last hours he spent running around in Ikebukuro, before he met Shizu-chan.

With his violent behavior, the hits to his face and body he tried to beat Izaya back to the way he was supposed to be- Izaya couldn't help but describe Shizu-chan´s actions as such.

The blond had been mad.

He didn't notice it then, too busy with his own mind, not that he was mad, but that he was mad.

not the anger, but the way he was angry at Izaya for saying what he wanted. What he was thinking.

Considering it now Shizu-chan really could have cared less about him. Ditched him at Shinra's or maybe just dropped him at a psychiatric clinic. He did state that the blond knew Izaya was going to escape that kind of thing easily, but honestly speaking- if it were some thug from the street Izaya doubted he would have looked after that guy the same way he did with him.

Instead he responded with anger, the only feeling he truly always showed to its full extend whenever something exceeded his specter of emotions.

It reminded Izaya quite similarly to how he used to laugh whenever things got too much. Just laugh- seeming crazy. That kind of thing did help in certain situations, because who would dare approach a madman?

Same for uncertain situations, a laugh would always manage to cover up whatever was supposed to stay hidden.

They were two sides of a coin in that regard. Always had been.

And when they clashed- even though they seemed so strong and dangerous, they were both just showing their most vulnerable sides.

Coming to a conclusion like this in itself was something the old Izaya would have denied instantly the second it entered his mind.

But now, after everything that happened he was a bit tired of lying to himself.

Not tired in a bad sense, but just, he didn't feel the need any more to shut his thoughts off the moment he thought about something that clashed with his mindset.

Maybe it was exactly this pretending that even lead to this situation.

Finally pushing himself up he sat upright in the bed. The door to the living room had been left open creating a tiny gap. it was too small to make out whatever was going on in the living room, but Izaya wasn't exactly unhappy about that.

He really did want to respond to the blond.

Thinking about it logical, objectively, like he used to ascertain every situation, it was obvious what he should be doing by now.

He had loved the blond ever since High school. He had kept watching him, feeling his heart clench painfully at every encounter- he responded to that pain by causing the blond trouble.

The urge to cry had been covered up by a slash with his knife across the blond's body. Because fighting was easier than crying. transforming the sadness to anger the more bearable thing. Because if Shizu-chan didn't exist then he wouldn't have to feel this way in the first place.

But all in all, hadn't he only ever wanted Shizu-chan to look at him? All too clearly he remembered unwanted dreams about the blond, uncalled daydreaming he let himself slip into every now and then. Interpreting what the man did and said in another way to ease his mind. It were all things he had done on a constant basis, always denying them as stupid little moments. But when it came down to it he was just longing.

Longing for that man.

With all the shit that got thrown at him every day, literally as well as figuratively, Shizu-chan had always been the positive outsight of the day.

Maybe he was masochistic, he didn't know- call it an obsession like Simon did, but he really just wanted to be near the blond and be it as his most hated enemy.

So after all this time, having Shizu-chan close like this should elate him. He still remembered all too clearly how the blond trapped him in the kitchen, making him feel too devastated to handle his emotions, when he kissed him, perplexing Izaya so much he didn't even know what he was supposed to do, and when Izaya kissed Shizu-chan again, to show him it wasn't this that had made him cry.

He could have that again.

The kisses.

He could have everything.

From the hugs and words of love to things he couldn't even imagine at this point in time.

Maybe…

Just maybe it was time to come clear with his feeling for the blond.

Once and for all.

Once he told him there would be no back, that was for sure- but then again even if everything came crashing down like he expected it to, he could at least go with no regrets.

Having the blond realize he didn't love Izaya after all made him feel numb and detached from the body, but if his hopes were crushed like that it wouldn't matter anymore.

He would be able to act more collected. Would be able to convince the blond he was fine, that for sure. Because he always acted the best when there was just nothing left anymore that could possibly get worse than it already was.

So… there was only one thing he wanted to do now.

His fingers curling around the soft mattress below him he took in a deep breath, before pushing himself up from the bed.

The missing creaking noise usually coming from the bedroom door made the raven realize there was something missing first.

Something as in, the doorframe.

Letting his eyes travel over living room next he spotted a cupboard- his cupboard.

A bit surprised he realized it had changed its appearance a bit. The wood used for the top of the object seemed to be slightly darker than the rest of it and next to the cupboard there was yet another piece of wood laying around.

The blond was busily fumbling with some screws, too concentrated to even notice Izaya had gotten up.

"What are you doing, Shizu-chan?" The raven asked, having decided to raise his voice after all, making the blond snap his head towards him-

"Hey," the blond mumbled quickly, getting up from the ground, "Sorry I guess I woke you, I was trying to repair the cupboard and some other things."

"The cupboard?"

It was then that the raven realized what exactly the blond was doing.

"Well I did ruin a bit of your apartment." It was the cupboard in his bedroom. Now that he thought about it he didn't even realize it was missing until now.

The day Shizu-chan decided to keep pestering him 24/7 he had used his violence and smashed his fist into it to avoid punching his lights out the raven suspected.

Seeing the object being repaired now like this the raven couldn't help but feel like he really wanted to tell Shizu-chan after all.

"... not everything was your fault though," the raven mumbled, wondering just how the hell he should even start to say what he wanted to.

He had been nothing but difficult for the blond to the point it made him feel guilty and yet he just- stayed.

Thinking about it with a clear head it was an incredibly selfless thing to do, not only for someone like Shizu-chan.

"Did you sleep well?" snapping him out of his thoughts the raven nodded quickly, discarding to waste time thinking about whether he really did or not.

Wordlessly he walked over to the couch instead, having been moved away just a bit for the blond to have enough space in the middle of the living room to continued repairing all kinds of things.

The long wood that Izaya hadn't quite been able to identify as anything appeared to be one of two new doorframes the blond was making, considering he had gripped them too hard here and there.

"These screws are annoying the hell out of me," the blond informed, cutting through the not quite uncomfortable, yet somewhat floating silence. Seating himself on the couch the raven let his eyes travel to a few screws which appeared to have lost their heads.

"Who the hell makes screws so easy to break?"

Izaya couldn't help but feel a soft smile tug at his lips. He doubted they were actually as easy to break as the blond said they did.

Watching the blond as he tried to drill yet another one into the wood only for it to end up breaking he found himself wondering if this was what Shizu-chan would be trying to do from now on.

Act so casual.

Like nothing had happened at all.

hell he felt as though Shizu-chan was trying to pretend nothing did ever happen in the first place. From their first encounter till his confession yesterday.

…. maybe, just maybe Shizu-chan was afraid Izaya would retreat again if he brought any of the two topics up.

He couldn't blame him for it.

Hearing an exaggerated groan followed by a sigh he watched the blond get up from the floor and take a seat next to him on the couch instead.

he wasn't avoiding the raven per se, but Izaya did have the slight feeling he didn't want to look him into the eyes.

"Stupid screws," the blond mumbled, tugging out one of his cigarettes although he didn't even sound as annoyed as Izaya knew he could get. No, actually it seemed more like… the blond was trying to talk to him without actually talking to Izaya.

Small talk perhaps? Testing the waters?

On any other day Izaya would have been grateful for this kind of thing- Shizu-chan not asking stupid questions, confusing or frustrating him was surely nice for once, but right now he had different plans.

Sitting next to him like this, smoking one of his usual cigarettes the raven took a deep breath before speaking up again.

"Shizu-chan," he started, in a tone that probably sounded as though he was going to talk about something serious.

"Ah, sorry" the blond replied instantly, making the raven blink as he watched him put out the cigarette. "that was a habit."

A soft snort escaped the raven's lips at the instant reaction.

"No, it's fine, it's just-" struggling with words the raven started to play with the rings on his fingers. Twisting, moving, spinning them as he tried to think of words.

Fun considering he usually never struggled with words.

Glancing at the blond sure as hell didn't help either as he just looked back with his brown eyes. He obviously had the blond's entire attention.

Shit this was hard. His throat felt constricted just as the thought of what he was going to say.

"I want to talk to you about something," the raven said instead feeling as though he knew how to go about this. A soft frown appeared on the blond's expression, one that expressed worry as well as curiosity, he couldn't blame Shizu-chan showing both.

"Sure. Go ahead," Shizuo mumbled but the blond´s guts were already twisting.

He was worried about the flea- ever since yesterday, ever since he woke up- hell he had been wondering so much about whether he just made everything worse that he got up at 5 am and started repairing what he destroyed.

But somehow Izaya didn´t seem as... lifeless? as he had seemed the last few days.

Could be because the dark bags under his eyes finally disappeared, maybe something else, but somehow Shizuo had a feeling whatever Izaya wanted to talk about wasn´t going to be so bad.

**To be continued~**

**xD Heyo there, people xD**

**Lmao i know I´m a tiny tiny bit late here with my chapter updates x'DDD Truth to be told I had a mini writer's block and I was studying and hell I got African fat tail geckos *0*0*0*0*0*00** I love my sweethearts ho ho ho Tho they are worrying the shit out of me cuz they are not eating yet, but ooookay x'D**

**Anyway~! xD Daw my readers- do you all think I´m that much of a sadist? xD Everyone I asked was like, "oh shush you are going to write another sad as fuck chapter again next, right? Right?!" x'DDDD lmao nuh uh C': relax people xD I said this is gradually getting better and better for izaya C: xDD well with next chapter you will probably understand haha 3**

**Also, my cookies, i wasn't entirely lazy or anything xD the opposite~! I was drawing on the Shizaya doujinshi i promised you ages ago C': The first page is almost done and i will upload it on Monday! *0*0*00*0* This is hella difficult god damn xDDD But hey~ So if you want to check that out, i created an account on taptastic xD just google "Shirohimesstories tapas" and you should find meh pretty easily xDD Whenever i draw something i will be uploading it there from now on, cuz honestly speaking tagging pictures in AO3 is a bit of a freaking hassle and complicated on top lmao) xDDD**

**Well then, that´s all I wanted to say C: see you in 14 days on June10th! (on a little side note this is basically during my exam time, so if i end up being a tiny winy bitty late, plz forgive meh xD i will try to be punctual tho C:)**

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-


	42. ஜ Remember Shizu-chan? ஜ

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**-Shizuo´s point of view-**

Somehow his feelings were a jumbled mess. He felt hot- but simultaneously cold, almost nauseous yet somewhat… excited?

It seemed as though as if he were about to jump down a cliff without knowing if he would make it but the adrenaline was trying to make everything seem less worse.

He knew what the blond would say and yet- revealing something this ... deep about him, this personal, it made him feel vulnerable to a degree that made his head spin.

"Do you still think you love me?" His lips moved softly, the ring slipping from his fingers as it tumbled to the ground with a soft click.

He had always been the type to always find the right words, in every situation, but right now- he felt as though control was slipping from him the more he spoke.

"I don't _think_ I do Izaya," the blond emphasized for the umpteenth time, not having any idea what the raven was going to tell him. "I am pretty sure I _know_ what I'm feeling."

The answer was confident, Shizu-chan wasn't wavering in the slightest with what he said- well what had Izaya expected? Did he really think Shizu-chan would say something along the lines of, _well thinking about it actually I don't think so anymore_ \- really?

No. Of course not- that wasn't even a real question. He just wanted to make sure he wasn't revealing anything unnecessarily. But seeing how the bond was still keen on his feelings- he had no excuse left to back out.

"Please stop thinking about this," hearing the calm voice of the blond snapped the raven out of his thoughts as he glanced at the man. "I didn't tell you my feelings for you because I want you to wrack your head about even more unnecessary bullshit." Lowering his gaze again the raven couldn't stop a soft frown from appearing on his face.

"... wouldn't one think it's better to wrack my head about this shit than other shit?"

Silence filled the moment for a second as the blond seemed to ponder on what Izaya had said.

...

"You got a point," he stated after a minute, obviously having come to the same conclusion. And so Izaya was back at square one. Still having no idea just how- how was he supposed to tell Shizu-chan?

"How are you so sure you love me? Aren't you mixing something up?" he started again, being aware that this question heavily sounded a lot like the first he asked and yet he couldn't think of anything else- "Like, I don't know, just because you don't want me to die doesn't mean you love me. I mean I wouldn't want Shinra to die for example, but that doesn't mean I love him and-"

"Izaya." Almost glad for the blond to interrupt him the raven stopped in his words and looked at the blond again. With a sigh the blond ruffled through his hair.

"I wouldn't have told you if I weren't 100% sure."

Lowering his gaze to the ground the raven let his eyes slip shut, just for a bit.

"... isn't it hard to love someone like me?" He was getting repetitive. And he knew it and yet Shizu-chan didn't say anything about it. "I mean I'm being like this and you-"

"It's not hard at all." no, Shizu-chan was being so patient with him it made the raven wonder how he deserved this unknown kindness.

Ah...

He really loved Shizu-chan after all…

Way too much.

Fuck he felt nauseous.

He wanted him. He wanted this so bad.

It was more than he ever hoped for, more than he ever imagined could happen.

He knew it was selfish, selfish to want something, to want Shizu-chan, when all he could offer was this useless thing he had become.

He almost didn't want Shizuo to love him, because how even?

And yet he could feel his heart pound against his chest in a way he hadn't felt in ages.

It was almost like on the chases, when he got excited over Shizuo following him everywhere.

About Shizuo yelling his name across the city.

Shizuo acknowledging his existence.

Looking at him the way he really was.

Nothing mattered in those moments.

As long as he didn't stop running, as long as he didn't turn around, tried to approach Shizuo, to touch him, look at him, cry- it was okay.

Just like that it was perfect.

He was used to the stinging feeling in his chest, to the pounding in his ears the choking feeling in his throat and the smirk on his face covering it all up.

But right now at the prospect of what he had decided to do he felt as though his heart wasn't just thundering against his chest, but falling apart.

"Anyway, let's just-"

"Still remember high school Shizu-chan?" the raven threw in quickly, keeping the blond from leaving as he motioned to get up from the couch.

The blond paused in the motion, first glancing at the flea as if to wage in his mind if it was wise to answer that question or if he should rather let it slip.

Apparently he had chosen the first as he sat down again slowly.

His glance was curious, honest, concerned just the way Izaya had become used to see.

"Of course," the blond started, "Pretty hard to forget. You sent all these guys after me every day." Cringing just the slightest bit the raven´s hands slipped into each other grasping firmly.

"I remember that too and your expression when you realized it was me," he mumbled, and yes he remembered all their fights way too well for his taste. The way he kept running his lungs almost bursting from exhaustion but still running because he just couldn't let go of the blond.

And then all the gangs. Sending people after Shizu-chan one after the other.

It was a stupid thing to do and Izaya hated himself as well as simultaneously was glad for doing it.

"I loved that hate in your eyes," he whispered softly, uncertainty layered thick in his voice.

Not risking to glance at the blond's expression yet the raven left his eyes fixed on his hands. He could hear a soft hum- it sounded like a noise of agreement.

"I always knew you were twisted like that. You had fun doing this, didn't you?" A bitter smile drew across Izaya´s lips and he couldn't help but frown a bit.

"It´s not exactly that I had fun," no, that was really not it- if anything he was probably tearing himself apart with not letting go of the blond and just continuing a normal life. "it was just..." the raven swallowed trying to find the right words. "... stability I craved for."

… a few seconds of silence followed. Izaya didn't know if it was just him but he sure as hell felt like the blond was quiet for hours until he responded with an obviously confused-

"... what?" Swallowing again the raven tried to think of a way to explain, maybe describe- he knew there was no excuse for what he had done in the past and he wasn't trying to make one up- but if he really wanted to tell Shizu-chan what he wanted- what he felt- then he needed him to understand first.

"You know Shizu-chan I can't deal with humans," he started slowly remembering Shinra using those exact same words once aimed towards him. Thinking about it, it was probably Shinra in the first place who helped him realize that much about himself.

"Please you wrap them around your fingers like ... noodles." Shizu-chan threw in- he certainly wasn't wrong and yet-

"Not when I'm actually involved."

No. Certainly not.

His humans. He always said he loved them. Loved the way they were predictable and unpredictable to certain degrees.

It was true that he liked watching them go about their daily work, quite like a god would- but that was just an act of avoidance.

Being the "god" he was he really never approached them for real. Because he couldn't.

"They are unpredictable each and every one of them," Izaya continued.

And Shizu-chan was the most unpredictable of all. Maybe that's what scared him so much. He couldn't tell.

He was threatening to chicken out but he couldn't do that now. He had taken a decision.

"They do things, they say things, I can't get close to them or it will just end bad. It's what I always thought," the raven continued, trying to explain his reasons- his…. fears.

"The more you get personally involved the worse it gets." Yeah, that's what it actually was. He didn't get involved with anyone but himself.

He always paid attention to not let anything or anyone get too close to him- it might be wrong to do so but it´s all he knew.

"I mean look at Shinra, I couldn't even be proper friends with him." He was probably anything but a friend for the doctor. Sure he was always there, but who was he kidding?

"I shoved him away, told him to fuck off, that we aren't friends. I still do that today and he hasn't given up not even now."

Confusion was written all across Shizu-chan´s expression as he looked at the blond.

"But Shinra would never I don't know betray you or use you...?" he questioned, obviously not getting what exactly Izaya wanted him to understand yet.

"That's not what I´m afraid of Shizu-chan." No. Even if Shinra ever betrayed or used him, he wouldn't even mind. Everyone slipped up he used people too, that wasn't what he feared.

"I just can't stand the turmoil of not knowing what´s going to happen. When people will leave. When people will _stop_ giving a damn."

That was probably his worst fear- he didn't even know why he was dreading this sort of thing so much. Lots of people were left every day, continuously by various people and they didn't react as badly as he did to it. It made Izaya think that maybe he has had a screw loose long before this shit even started.

"If they are afraid of me, that´s fine, if they hate me that's good too. It doesn't have to be positive emotions they harbor for me, almost the opposite, negative emotions are easier to understand and predict," he went on, now not bothering anymore to look Shizu-chan into the eyes- he didn't want to see the puzzled expression in his eyes, because he wished that maybe just maybe Shizuo actually got what he meant, but then again that was wishful thinking wasn't it? "And as long as _I_ don't care about any of them it doesn't matter either," he finished, his head still low.

Falling quiet for a few seconds the raven waited for a response- for some kind of comment maybe just a "huh" on Shizuo's part informing him that he didn't need to continue talking anyway.

"That ... " the blond started, making the raven tighten his grip on his hands. "... are you trying to say you made me hate you on purpose?" Feeling the constricting feeling in his throat loosen up a bit the raven glanced at the blond.

Was he actually able to follow his line of thoughts? Or was it a good educated guess? No matter which it made the raven feel relieved to some extent.

"You are surprisingly fast catching onto things." The raven commented, while the blond was left to do nothing but frown.

"... but why? I don't get it. Being hated is a shitty feeling." Shizuo knew that. He had experienced it for so many years, everyone hating you fearing you for no reason- it wasn't nice at all. But the flea seemed to have a different opinion on that.

"Oh by all means no. Being hated is something comforting."

The confused expression Shizuo showed was enough for Izaya to understand that he had to go into detail on this one- well he couldn't blame Shizu-chan for not understanding that part. After all, being hated was something that his life pretty much consisted of and considering his temper he had probably never even wasted a thought to wonder about social relationships and how he could use the hatred for himself- no that was only something Izaya would do.

But that´s what made Shizu-chan be so different than the rest of the people, right?

"If everyone shuns you, ignores you, if you don´t exist for the world and you don't want to get close to anyone, it´s amazing to have a person hate you the way you did." Izaya continued, reaching down to the floor to pick up the silver ring he had dropped previously.

"It´s like, I knew you would always be this way I knew how to press your buttons, I knew how to tick you off, I knew just how much you hated me. I could do whatever I wanted and never had to fear anything between us would change." …. in a sense Shizuo was his constant, wasn't he? And at the same time his shackles. That one force that would keep standing no matter what- well maybe in multiple senses too.

"At the end of the day, no matter what happened, you would hate me. No matter what I did or pulled you would always be there to hate me." A bitter smile spread across the raven´s lips as he realized the bitterness and oddity of his logic. Even while explaining to the blond he felt as though he was rambling nonsense.

It was, wasn't it? Misleading too.

"I knew you hated my guts, don't misunderstand, I didn´t interpret anything into your words and actions that wasn't connected to just pure anger- but you know I don't even know what I'm saying. I just felt at ease when you were there. I thought if you at least hated me, it would be okay, and you did it, you hated me with so much passion for so long."

It was almost laughable to think about it and yet so suiting for the blond.

"Most humans forgive, they forget, or they start over a new leaf. You never did. It's always been the same way. Just you chasing me with the intent to kill and I ran away from you."

It was admirable to what extent the blond continued this feeling of hate.

Simon said he had an obsession with Shizu-chan, but if he had an obsession then Shizu-chan had had one too.

"That´s why I say I love humans but I don't love you. That´s why I exclude you as a monster you know, because humans are the actual monsters. Doing as they please, being unpredictable, lying, pretending, forgetting, forgiving, plotting- You don't do these things."

Shizu-chan never did. Never acted like any of them-

A soft chuckle slipped from his lips just thinking about an example of Shizu-chan´s sheer sense of fairness.

"Hell you couldn't even keep to yourself what you feel for me because of a shitty reason like you not wanting to hide it from me."

A couple seconds passed- the raven had somehow lost the red thread somewhere along the conversation- or rather, he didn't know what he was supposed to say next.

"I don't understand- what are you trying to tell me?"

Feeling his stomach drop the raven added pressure to his folded hands. Swallowing the raven tried to collect himself- there was no backing out. He knew he could just stand up, say nevermind and leave it at that.

He had said enough as it was- but he didn't want that. He didn't want to keep his feelings a secret anymore. He had done so for so long- and now- if he ever wanted the blond to know then right now was the best moment to do so.

"You know, I was just so damn obsessed with you. Honestly I think to this day that I have a screw loose," he continued, his lips dry as he tried to chuckle. For a moment he expected some sort of comment on that one- maybe a nod of agreement or something along the lines of, yeah you have don't you? But the blond just remained quiet.

His eyes were still fixated on Izaya, the expression he wore telling him just how much he was trying to understand what Izaya was saying.

It was almost odd to see the usually raging blond be this attentive. Not to mention he was willing to listen to a flea´s words.

"While it was amazing to be hated by you," the raven mumbled, a bitter smile forcing itself onto his lips. "it was at the same time killing me every day." Why did he always do that?

He tried to ease the uncalled smirk of his lips, but somehow it stayed on. No wonder the blond thought he had a screw loose, but he just didn´t know what kind of expression he was supposed to show. And a smile had always been the best mask to wear.

Squeezing his eyes shut so he wouldn't have to see the frown on Shizu-chan´s face he continued speaking.

"I wanted you dead. I thought if you disappeared then I could just have my peace. Just like you always wanted to kill me to get your own."

…

Shizuo got the part about the killing- they had been at each other's throats for as long as he could remember- but the explanation was somewhat confusing.

"Izaya I don't get what you are trying to say at all."

Saying basically he wasn't a monster, saying he wanted Shizuo to hate him, saying he wanted to kill him- it just didn´t match.

"You say you wanted me to hate you, but you didn't want me to hate you so you wanted to kill me?" a frown eased itself onto his forehead at the attempt to try and make sense of what Izaya had said.

He knew there had to be some kind of logic somewhere, Izaya wasn't someone to ramble nonsense. Even when he was like this he still used nothing but logic to explain himself.

So what was he missing here?

What did Izaya want to tell him?

Izaya looked almost pained as if he were fighting with something, the blond wished he could just make him stop talking.

He didn't get what Izaya wanted to tell him, but if it caused him to look this disturbed he didn´t know if he wanted to hear it.

"You told me you love me, right?" Izaya repeated, starting again at the top of the conversation- his expression becoming more and more troubled by the second.

Was he going to start over again with his explanation?

"Please, just forget that, I didn't mean to-" the blond started, but this time the raven seemed to take a different turn altogether as he cut him off mid sentence.

"What if," the raven´s voice threw in, softly, but somewhat determined. Trembling, yet with confidence.

As if to attempt and make his mouth shut up the raven brought his fingertips to his lips, just touching them softly.

Turning his head he looked at him, with those eyes so terribly unsure, and afraid almost- his brows furrowed as if he were in pain and yet there was this forced smile plastered on his face like a broken mask.

"... what if I said I feel the same way?"

**to be continued~**

-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

**DUN DUN DUUUUUNNN xD lmao please don´t kill me yet xD I know this is yet another cliffhanger but ahhhh believe me when i say I had to cut it here x'D Sorry for being a bit late too C':**

**University and studying and some other shits stressed me a tiiiiiiny bit lmao x'D I got one update of five done lmao look what a fast kind of snail i am xDDDD**

**Talking about updates, I am writing on the updatses, all of them xD every day xD But I get to do very little x'DD You can check how many words i have on each chapter, i will update the count every day on my profile on fanfiction. net C': that way you will probably be able to guess when the next chapter is gonna come out better than me x'DDDD**

**sotd and bcd and sns are kinda nearly done so I hope I can update them this week as well xD**

**Anyway~! Sowy for all the delay TAT The exams are all over on Wednesday the 28th June tho- i got my last two exams on that day xD after that I will catch up on everything C:**

**Well then, see you in... hmmmmmmmmm... okay i probably won´t be able to post on the 28th xDD considering Im having exams and all lol but 29th should be finey *0* See you in 15 days~! xD**

 


	43. -๑-๑ஜ๑- Show me -๑ஜ๑-๑-

**-Izaya´s point of view.-**

Ah, this was a shitty feeling- Izaya felt as though he wanted to run. Run far, far away.

"Hypothetically-" he uttered quickly, though the damage was already done wasn't it?

He didn't have the courage nor the will to turn his head to look at the expression Shizu-chan was showing. If anything then he just hoped he would remain quiet for a long, long, long time so he could calm down a bit before having to ... he didn't even know. Do anything.

"... what...?" Only a softly the word reached the raven´s ears, though it sounded more like the blond was just mumbling to himself rather than directly addressing him.

"Maybe not hypothetically-" the raven mumbled, eyes closed tightly as the grip on his hands tightened. "Bothering you for all these years for no apparent reason... It's no wonder Simon called it an obsession really-" Izaya laughed hollowly, though Shizuo was still stuck at the meaning behind Izaya´s words.

"You-" He wasn't interpreting this wrong right? Izaya was telling him he loved him?

A frown formed on his face, growing deeper and deeper with each second that passed-

It wasn't that he was opposed to that thought, or worse that he hated what the raven was feeling, if anything the fact that Izaya felt something for him should elevate him- but right now, as he came to realize just what that meant he felt as though someone had just hit him with a truck.

Because everything started to make sense. All the things Izaya had said. Starting at the high school part, the hate obsession and how he didn't want him to hate him- but wanted him to be there.

All of a sudden it made so much sense, and it hurt so much.

The blond almost felt like someone was literally squeezing his heart in his hands- or no, much more like someone was draining all air from his lungs.

Suffocating.

If Izaya had liked him since high school- if he had loved him till then- he couldn´t even start to imagine what the raven had had to feel like.

All of a sudden he remembered all their encounters. He remember how he told him he hated him to the core. How he wished he dropped dead. How he wanted him to just leave Ikebukuro and disappear altogether.

How he hurled things at him, dangerous projectiles, how he sometimes managed to actually hurt him only for the flea to come back for some reason he never understood.

Only for Izaya to say something as painful as that he liked the way Shizuo hated him.

Just the thought itself that Izaya was willing to take all that hatred instead of any remotely positive affection was something the blond´s mind had immense trouble wrapping his mind around while feeling himself be hit with an immense amount of… guilt.

Regret.

All these times he let himself get injured, get hit by various projectiles Shizuo threw at him and never, he never failed to return day after day, just to _see_ him-

He didn't know what to possibly say-

What on earth was he supposed to say knowing now just how wrong- how utterly wrong he had been all these years?

And then there were the past few days. Adding just so much to all the guilt, regret and almost painful feeling in his chest that made him feel as though Izaya had to be crying at this point.

The expression he wore while he said this, he had wondered what caused him so much distress and pain to tell, but now he understood why-

He felt like his chest tore apart just thinking about it, the things he said the hatred he had for him, he never made it a point to hide it, the opposite. Love?

But why?

How?

Questions over questions swarmed in his head, but the way Izaya's lips were pressed into a tight line and his hands squeezed each other as if to pray for someone to save him Shizuo figured asking the flea too much right now might just result in him taking back everything he said in the first place.

He said he didn't hate him except from all humans, but it was the other way round.

Izaya had first said that when they had been in high school.

Shizuo wasn't sure what he was supposed to think- to feel-

He was a brute, the first thing Izaya saw of him was him beating up an entire soccer team it should have scared anyone away and yet Izaya didn´t-

How the hell could he not notice? How the hell? Who would pester someone like him for fun? He should have seen it- he just couldn't get his head around how impossibly dense he had been.

He had known the flea for so long, he had known him for fucks sake. If there was anyone in this city that he knew this well then it was him.

But then he paused in his thoughts.

No. He didn´t know anything about the flea. He never bothered to look closely, he had never bothered to actually try.

He had never noticed what was going on with Izaya not even the day before he found him in that alley, hell not even then had he noticed.

Fuck-

"Why didn't you tell me?" the words spilled off his lips so dry and quiet for a second he wondered if the raven had even heard him.

If he had known- he would have acted different, he would have tried to understand him maybe he wouldn't even have hated him as much as he did-

The raven took a shuddering breath.

...

This was going to hurt wasn't it?

Izaya didn't know what made him think so, but now, things could only get worse could they? He knew what Shizuo probably wanted, Izaya knew what Izaya didn't want and he knew he was going to annoy the blond with his wishes. He was going to get on his nerves, hear seconds doubts about his words- maybe Shizu-chan would even accuse him being a liar.

Ah. That right there, that thought already hurt just thinking about it.

"Would you have believed me?" he finally spilt, knowing the answer fully well even if Shizu-chan hadn't quite thought as far yet.

"I could have-" the blond stuttered, pausing mid sentence. … no that was a lie. If Izaya had told him this sort of thing. "...no I wouldn't have. But still-" The raven shook his head, finally gathering his courage to look at the bond again.

Enough of this.

"It wouldn't have mattered because I can't do this Shizu-chan," he had to get clear with the blond. Tell him what he could do and what not. What he wanted and what Shizu-chan wanted were completely different things.

Confused, just as the raven had expected him to be, the blond frowned, looking right back at him.

"What?"

"This-" the raven started slowly, pointing first at Shizu-chan, then at himself. "You saying you _love_ me." A shallow laugh hallowed from the raven´s throat and he wondered just how messed up he was deep within. The only reaction he trusted himself showing was laughter, because everything else would just end up going out of hand.

"I never wanted you to know, I never wanted you to see my like this either. I don't want you to say these things, that you love me." His hands, were they shaking?

They were- why was he being so difficult?

Why couldn't he just be happy like every other normal human being?

Why couldn't he just be happy Shizu-chan said he loved him? why couldn't he simply believe him?

He could be happy, he could… he could- be in a relationship as difficult as the thought seemed to be, and yet why was he the way he was?

"But it´s true- Izaya do you still not believe me?"

"I do. That's the point Shizu-chan," the raven laughed bitter, cringing at the mere desperation he could hear in Shizu-chan´s voice. "Make me stop wanting something that will never go well."

Why? Why did he have to be this way? To think this way- to live this way?

"You will realize how wrong you are, you will realize just how fucked up I am," his head was hanging low, his hair hiding whatever disturbing expression he was making as he spelled out the nonsense going on in his brain. "I don't know what's wrong with you that you can say this bluntly you love something like me, but one day you will realize that you don't love me like you say now you do." he was almost desperate to convince the blond that he could never actually love him- just what the hell was wrong with him?

Was he some kind of masochist? Did he like doing that?

He didn't want Shizu-chan to leave, to go away to tell him how much he hated him he didn't want that anymore and yet- he wished nothing had ever changed between them.

His thoughts were a complete mess and yet these things were the only ones he knew.

He didn't want Shizu-chan like this right now, he didn't want him to love him, just like he had always denied he still harbored feelings for the blond- he didn´t know why he was being so difficult he didn´t know why he couldn't even give anything a chance at the moment, he just-

"I don't want that. I don't want this."

His hands were shaking against his forehead as he finished his sentence.

Each time Shizu-chan confessed to him there was just something, ugly, something dark and black sitting in a corner telling him that it couldn't be true. With each I love you he heard an equal voice saying-

_For how long?_

_Why?_

_Look at you._

_How miserable._

_You?_

_Disgusting._

_Really?_

_Wasted._

_Dead._

Hah, it was odd but despite these words being the most beautiful thing anyone had ever told him he felt nothing but grief and pain over them. Despair even. Because they couldn't be true. They just couldn´t.

He knew Shizu-chan wasn't lying and yet-

He was just so done with all of this.

He had already closed the chapter, ended the story, he had had no wish to continue any further than he had until three days ago.

And now?

He didn't know what to do with this chance in front of him. He didn´t know how to handle it- He wasn't in charge of everything anymore like he used to. He didn't have control over the situation at hand.

"Honestly I would love it if you just hated me like you always did-" the sentence felt as though he had just shoved the blond away entirely. He probably had. Telling him he didn't want him, he knew he might as well be hurting the blond now with all the words he said, but he couldn't help it.

"If you punched me in the face or shoved me away and screamed just how much you despise me," he grit teeth, that wasn't what he was trying to say, fuck but he couldn't stop talking "it would be so much easier if you did that."

He felt like he was choking on his words and yet it wasn´t wrong. He could deal with those emotions, he could deal with hatred aimed towards him, it's the only thing he ever received, but love? The end.

Izaya didn't know how the blond would take his words. He didn´t know if he understood what he meant or not. He knew he was contradicting himself a couple times.

But he had said it.

He had told Shizu-chan everything. Literally. There was nothing on his mind now anymore that were left to share.

Just- empty.

Nothing.

And even though he knew he messed up again and he had just spilt everything he never wanted anyone to hear he felt…. relieved.

After keeping everything locked inside him, every thought every wish, every single one of the feelings that surfaced and bubbled from his chest, he just felt light.

Maybe lightheaded too because of the unknown consequences this would bring, but in the first line he just felt relieved.

It somehow... felt good to just share even his most disturbing thoughts. Throw them all out.

For a second he felt like a feather.

And then immediately like a brick sinking to the ground of the ocean.

"How can you say that's easier?" not trusting himself the raven only threw a quick glance at the blond.

Was he mad? Was he annoyed? Was he going to leave now? He was almost sure one of these three expression would be revealed to him, but no.

Taking in the blond´s expression more than just for a second the raven kept looking at him.

Shizuo looked so... _pained_ \- but not mad.

Izaya mustered the blond's expression trying to read from it just what Shizu-chan was thinking now- but remained utterly clueless.

…

This... this entire conversation-

It showed Shizuo again just how broken and defeated Izaya really was.

Despite the non violent character of the situation Shizuo couldn't help but remember the moment when Izaya had hit the mirror with his bare fist.

Blood was dripping down and when he asked Izaya why he had done it- he just said he saw something that _deserved_ to be hit.

He felt as though he was in the exact same situation again.

A bleeding Izaya right in front of him, except this time he couldn't just wrap up any wounds and call it fixed. And what hurt the most was the realization that his words were the shards cutting him.

He… understood.

He didn't even really get what he understood, but somehow all of this, despite its really weird and definitely not making sense character, he understood.

He got the flea.

He couldn't explain just what the flea was going on about what he meant and yet he grasped the situation.

For once he wasn't confused, not at all.

No…

Taking a deep breath the blond moved on the couch, the warm fabric shifting below him.

No, he wasn't confused.

If anything, he was sad. But not for the flea. It wasn't pity he was feeling.

Almost alarmed at the arms that suddenly just wrapped around Izaya without warning the raven propped his hand against the blond's chest- wanting to keep him at a distance, not too close but-

"Let me, just for a second…" his hands stilled.

He didn't push at the blond or told him to back off. Because this time, Izaya realized Shizuo wasn't hugging him to make the raven feel better.

… no.

This time it was _him_ that needed the hug.

Ahaha... crap he managed to make Shizuo sad. How the hell did that happen, he was really fucked up wasn't he?

Swallowing softly the raven let his head tilt against the blond's shoulder. He could feel Shizu-chan nuzzle into his own, shallow breaths ghosting across his back.

Hugging Izaya like this….

The thought struck him like fire that he might have heard this too late. All of this.

That maybe even though Izaya told him now, that he was already too far gone to ever accept his love or to ever learn to love himself before everything again.

It was desperation in first line. Desperation over just how much they had both fucked up over the years.

Building their relationship on hatred, pure anger and violence, never bothering to even look properly at the other.

And now it might be too late.

Squeezing the raven just a bit more the blond nuzzled into his shoulder.

No.

It was alright.

Taking one more deep breath the blond closed his eyes for a second as he collected his thoughts.

Izaya loved him, did for a really long time, he didn't realize, just how he never realized how bad the raven was feeling all this time.

But now he knew.

He knew, and that meant he wasn't going to hurt him anymore with anything he did and said.

"I have seen everything about you Izaya. Literally, these past few days I discovered so many things I never would have suspected," Shizuo started talking, feeling the raven tense up at the words. The raven could feel the way Shizu-chan´s warmth seeped into him, feel his chest hum softly at the words he spoke. "You tried to get rid of me, tried to piss me off, you succeeded a few times, But I'm still here no?"

Was he trying to… cheer him up?

It almost sounded that way.

Shizu-chan was like fire.

Dangerous, out of control. Unpredictable it could warm and burn and the raven had yet to find out if what he was going to hear would hurt.

What could he possible respond to his confession now?

Izaya for once had no idea. not even hypothetically speaking.

Feeling his body tense and mouth go dry he waited for the blond to continue, hoping that he wouldn't break him anymore than he already was.

"I won't say it anymore."

…?

Thrown off track the raven blinked for a second trying to make sense of what Shizu-chan had said.

...wouldn´t say it?

As if on cue the blond leant back again, letting go of the raven but only so far that his palms were resting on Izaya's shoulders. Confusion was practically written over Izaya's face while Shizuo seemed to be awfully collected.

"... what?" the raven finally managed to ask, his brain just not getting what the blond had been trying to say.

"I mean I won't say what I feel for you anymore." A blink followed. Another.

Shit.

Dread started to fill Izaya's mind as though he had just ruined everything- he had hadn't he? Shizu-chan understood him wrong. He messed up- Shizu-chan thought he didn't want his love at all- he thought he wanted him to hate him again. No-

Panic was starting to fill his senses and he felt his eyes sting as he tried to remember just where he had gone wrong just what the blond had misunderstood- maybe it was everything, maybe it was just one certain aspect- maybe if he explained better, maybe if he tried again or-

"Hey, hey-" a palm suddenly cupping the raven´s face made the raven´s thoughts come to an instant halt as he lifted his eyes to look at the blond. "Damnit Izaya, you look like you're about to cry- please listen before you freak out okay?" the blond said, making the raven feel caught, but still not less anxious. That´s it- he ruined it didn´t he?

"I have seen you at your worst, I have seen what you are like and I don't want to make things even worse for you," the blond started slowly, obviously trying to be careful about how he said what he wanted to tell. "And if me telling you my feelings is just torturing you, then I just won´t tell you anymore." Confusion decorating the raven´s expression yet again he tried to make sense of Shizu-chan´s words. That didn't sound like a straight out repulsion. Like he wanted to get rid of him.

"Please don´t expect me to say I hate you because that's just not true. Even if you said you could deal with that better, I can't do that, it would really rob me of my sleep if I had to say something so cruel to you ever again."

Ah.

He had listened. Shizu-chan had just listened very closely- closer than Izaya was even able to comprehend in his rant of words, and that even though he was the one speaking them.

"You understand?" the blond asked, looked at him again with these uncertain eyes, "I still feel the same way Izaya, but instead of telling you, how about I show you what that means?"

… show? The raven wasn't too sure if he understood what the blond meant.

"You don't have to do anything, say anything, as I said, I don't expect you to respond to my feelings in any way, just…" the blond paused, obviously trying to search for the right words, but settled for the previously used ones anyway. "let me show you okay?" he repeated, looking at Izaya with such pleading yet gentle eyes- how could he say anything but yes to that?

"... that sounds okay." And it really did. he didn´t know yet what exactly Shizu-chan was going to "show" him, but he was willing to give him a shot. After all this time, Shizu-chan deserved a chance.

Shizu-chan smiled at him and yet the smile was crooked mixed with the knowledge of how hard this was going to be how difficult and twisted- and yet that was what they both were, wasn´t it?

Softly brushing over the raven's cheek Izaya let his eyes slip shut for a moment as a strand of hair was pushed out of the way.

Shizuo didn't know what it was that freaked the flea out so much about the words _I love you_ \- about the fact that he did _love_ him- but no matter why, he didn't need to understand the reason to adjust to the raven´s space.

"Please stop looking like I'm telling you something painful," the blond mumbled, not failing to notice how troubled the raven still looked at him.

A faint hint of wetness was glazing over the raven eyes as he violently rubbed at them.

"I don't know what to do Shizu-chan-" how could Shizu-chan just accept everything he threw at him in such a manner?

How? At times Izaya felt as though it was exactly this feature, this character trait, this perception that made him fall even more for him.

The way he understood him without words was just… amazing.

"I know I'm not exactly making any sense but-"

"Nah you make enough sense to me," the blond interrupted him, just sitting there and his eyes looked so truthfully honest Izaya knew he wasn't just saying that to make him feel better.

"Shizu-chan, seriously why don't you hate me?" he asked dryly, feeling as though he didn't deserve the blond after all.

"What?" the blond asked with a little frown.

"Why don't you hate me? There are so many reasons to and yet-"

"I can't think of a single one." Shizuo interrupted him almost instantly, the frown disappearing and a soft smile spreading over his lips instead.

Izaya didn't get it- he really didn´t.

"I framed you in high school, you were so mad after that," the raven reminded him, tried to almost convince Shizu-chan that he had more than enough reason to hate him, but his expression didn't even waver.

"I don't hate you for that anymore."

"Then what about the fights? I sent so many gangs after you."

The color gangs, various groups, the yakuza, the police, hell choose one, but Shizu-chan´s expression still remained the same.

"Still no hate."

"I keep calling you Shizu-chan even though you hate it," the raven mumbled, not able to think of many more things he made the blond hate him with but that one actually just made the blond smile at him brighter.

"Actually I like that," Shizuo admitted, relishing in the surprised expression Izaya showed.

"Huh?"

"Don´t get me wrong if anyone else called me that way I would murder them, but if it´s you… dunno that´s just you. Like, you can do that. I'm used to it. It's sort of special." "It would be weird if you called me Shizuo or Heiwajima-san," the blond tried to explain and even while he said the words he found himself thinking that he never actually hated Izaya for calling him that way. Sure in high school it annoyed him but after a while he became used to it, so what if the name was ridiculous?

Izaya just gaped at him for a moment- after all these years of calling him Shizu-chan and the blond getting mad for it and now this?

And then he just laughed. Izaya did.

All the tension suddenly lifted off him as he couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculous explanation. To Shizuo's ears it was the most angelic sound he had heard in the past few weeks. Izaya laughing, just like that- things were going to get better from now on weren´t they?

**to be continued~**

**Dramatic ending of the confession xD and hey, did you notice this was freaking 4000 words long?! Gosh so much brain frying- xD the next chapter will be so much easier to write again phew. C':**

**Well then, I will see you after my vacation~ xD Sadly that means you have to wait a tiny bit longer for the next update than 14 days C': 21 to be exact xD sorry C': I extra refrained from leaving you at a cruel cliffhanger because of that xDD**

**The** next update will be up on July the 20th~! **C: but hey, heads up, on Saturday something kinda newish will follow xD**

**I won´t be updating that one as regularly as the Shizaya, but it will also get its updates x'D And avenger fic called** "Blue pain" will start on the 1stJuly **C: So if you happen to ship** Tony x Loki **, that´s where you should be xDDDDDDD**

**Oh and let´s not forget the** SD update on Sunday **C: ohohoohohoh shit is about to come down in that one xD get your chainsaws ready lmao xD**

**Well then, see you all~! xDD**


	44. -๑-๑ஜ๑- Making it right -๑ஜ๑-๑-

Shizuo would give Izaya all the space he needed, at least figuratively speaking. He couldn't leave him alone, but he wouldn't push the flea to anything. If there was anything, anything at all that he had learned in the past few days then it was that trying to force Izaya to do anything or even do as much as give him the feeling he had to act upon anything was only going to make matters worse.

Getting up from the couch the raven´s eyes followed him instantly.

"Shizu-chan?" the raven called a bit thrown off when he saw the blond leave for the… kitchen?

"Hey it´s 10 am. Aren't you hungry or something? What about breakfast?" the blond asked nonchalantly and for a moment Izaya wondered if he had missed out on something. A second ago they were talking about things that made him want to run away and now…?

"You want to make food?" he asked a bit confused, not knowing what he should make of the blond´s behavior now. But the blond merely shrugged, showing him one of those peaceful smiles he had gotten to spot every now and then.

"I was thinking about making pancakes, if you want some," he explained, leaving the raven with the unsolved mystery that was Shizu-chan.

The raven was about to protest. To ask him what he was thinking he was doing- after a long conversation like this and spilling all his feeling Shizu-chan just- just what? At the very least it confused him. But then he realized it.

He didn't need to wait for anything specific. He didn't need to prepare for anything disastrous. Shizu-chan said he wasn't going to force him into anything he wasn't ready for yet. Izaya told him well enough that he couldn't do this and now Shizu-chan was just following his wishes.

He said he would show him his love rather through actions than words from now on. And this was just it.

He was there wasn´t he?

He was repairing his apartment and all the things he destroyed in here. He was making him breakfast and all his attention was on him.

Noticing the blond was still waiting for a response the raven quickly nodded, watching the blond as he turned around, searching his kitchen for proper ingredients.

He was just… there. Not more not less.

Shizu-chan was just giving his best to make the raven as comfortable as possible- make him feel at ease. And what would be more soothing but to return back to their now usual daily routine?

Somewhat it made sense and yet the raven felt as though he wanted more than that while not wanting to indulge into this topic any further.

The solution Shizu-chan had come up with was better than anything he could have thought of himself.

Wordlessly twisting on the couch he watched the blond search his drawers for ingredients.

This was… so much like Shizu-chan.

Like the Shizu-chan he knew and … loved.

Easy.

Simple minded, in all the best ways.

Letting his eyes slip shut for a second he tried to calm his breath and heart back down into the peaceful state they had been in when he had woken up before.

He had said what he wanted to say, what was laying on the tip of his tongue, waiting to be spoken out loud.

And it hadn't hurt.

It actually hadn´t hurt in any way.

Opening his eyes again he looked at the blond with that red glance of his.

Opening one cupboard after the other he seemed to be searching for ingredients.

Was he giving him his own, free space on purpose? He just walked away, and for a second Izaya had felt as though he was just running away, but now, thinking about it, looking at it… wasn't he just giving Izaya the chance to approach him himself? At his own conditions and pace?

It seemed like it. And somehow that thought already made the flea get up from the couch.

He felt a bit cold ever since he left the bed. He had always been fairly skinny, but now, even if he hated to admit it, he really was at his worst and the warmth being drained from him was making him shiver softly.

Eggs were cracked and the blond had put a pan onto the stove getting it ready to throw that dough right in there as he scrambled flour, sugar, eggs and whatever else he had just thrown into that bowl next to the oven and created what seemed like a dough.

Not a single word leaving his lips Izaya just approached the blond from the side, watching him, glancing at his face every now and then.

But somehow there were no words to be exchanged.

After everything they said, Izaya didn't feel the need to speak anymore. He had told Shizu-chan everything he ever had had on his mind. He poured his soul out to him and now he was still there. And yet, right now, even though he had only just gotten up before he already felt so tied again.

Like he was only dreaming and going to wake up soon and realize that it was way too early to get up and everything had been a dream.

A short sting of fear ignited inside his chest and before he knew it he was pinching his skin to make sure he wasn't dreaming after all.

But he wasn't.

The fragrance of tasty pancakes was starting to fill the air as a hissing sound coming from the pan made the raven look at the soon to be pancakes. Letting his eyes trail back to the pieces of ruined and fixed furniture on the floor he wondered if Shizu-chan still intended to fix all this damage.

… it was… somewhat touching to say the last.

He knew Shizu-chan always felt guilty for the things he destroyed, be it the city or someone's belongings, but this- it was something the blond had never done for him.

The soft touch of a hand brushing across his head made the raven flinch and he twisted his head surprised.

"I´m done, what do you want on them?" The blond´s voice asked, making the raven look at the already finished pancakes, placed on two plates.

To be honest Izaya had never thought Shizu-chan would be able to cook, not to mention make something like this. if anything he thought the brute would burn everything and maybe scream at the stove for fucking up his meal before kicking it out through a wall. But no.

These pancakes smelled pretty damn delicious actually.

Swallowing once the raven noticed that it had been ages since he actually looked forward to taste something.

"I will just get some coffee to these," he answered the question, not liking anything too sweet on his pancakes. And while the blond poured all kinds of sweet stuff on his pancakes the raven just spent the time making himself a good old cup of nice brown and hot coffee.

Sitting down on the counter he watched Shizu-chan as he balanced the plate in his palm, the pancakes were not the only thing that threatened to fall as he had sprayed whipped cream onto them in an amount that seemed like it was trying to imitate some kind of high-rise.

"Isn't that too much?" the raven found himself asking, as the blond put the plate down on the counter.

"There can never be too much whipped cream," the blond instantly replied as if it were the most common thing in the world. "I don't get how you can put nothing on your pancakes, what a waste," he mumbled instead, making the raven snort for a second.

"I knew you got a sweet tooth, but it's worse than I thought."

"Worse?" the blond questioned barely managing to eat the first payer of his pancakes without dropping anything off his plate.

The strawberries Izaya didn't know he had and chocolate syrup left and right wasn't exactly making the task easier.

"Nevermind," the raven said, his eyes trailing back to the middle of the living room. Half broken and half repaired furniture pieces still sprawled on his floor.

"Are you really going to repair all this?" he asked- having known the blond for so many years he couldn't help but doubt he would even be able to finish this task without getting too annoyed and ending up destroying everything again.

"Sure," Shizu-chan said, sounding pretty confident, "except it bothers you." The raven shook his head however, making the blond discard his doubts quickly. Who knew? Judging the flea he wouldn't be surprised if the louses aid he would want to buy everything new instead of just fixing what had already been broken.

"I'm just surprised you are fixing it in the first place actually," Izaya mumbled instead, taking another sip from his coffee.

To be honest Shizuo was a bit taken aback by those words. Not because of their content, they weren't spoken sarcastic or ironic in any way, but they reminded him again just how he had always treated the flea.

When he ruined parts of the city he always felt guilty for it, when he destroyed Shinra's stuff he felt guilty for it, when he hurt random people, even if they deserved it, he still felt sometimes guilty for it.

Slowly but surely all the times that he had actually managed to hit the flea or slam something into the man were creeping their way into his mind making him feel like the worst human being on earth.

"Of course I am, I destroyed all of these after all..." he mumbled, the pancake in his mouth suddenly tasting less amazing than before.

No, he had no right to feel bad about this now, it was his fault, he was to blame and he had to fucking deal with it.

Getting up the blond used to back of his hand to wipe away a small blotch of cream from his lips as he put the rest of his pancakes into the fridge.

"I´m gonna save them for later," he mumbled aloud, as he made his way over to the living room again. Izaya was still sitting on the counter, barely having eaten one of the pancakes as his eyes followed him intently.

He really wanted to do something, something for the flea, and he felt as though fixing at least the things he had broken was at least somewhat of a start.

He let his eyes travel across the floor, the shitty broken screws were still laying around without a care in the world, just looking at them annoyed the blond, but he had enough of them so hell- he should be able to repair the things he broke at least, right?

Taking the plate filled with pancakes to the living room's couch the raven decided he was going to watch the blond up close. He was feeling cold and that blanket resting on top of the couch seemed like it would be the perfect opportunity to get rid of the nasty feeling of freezing up.

The loud noise of someone trying to hammer a screw into wood soon filled the air as the raven curled up under the fluffy softness.

The plate with pancakes was resting on the couch table, a pancake between his hands as he leisurely nibbled on it.

It was sweet, but not too sweet. Surprising actually considering Shizu-chan had made it. He couldn't help but feel a soft smile spread over his lips as he watched the blond getting annoyed over his work all by himself.

It was relaxing to say the least.

Just Shizu-chan, doing something so simple was putting him at ease. He was unsure whether his choice of telling the blond had been the right one to take, but right now looking at it like this, even though there was this spark in the back of his head that started acting up, telling him just what else could or might happen now, he was peaceful. Tired too. Maybe the fact that he hadn't really slept all too well last night was contributing to that, but whatever.

Letting his head thud against the couch he just watched Shizu-chan´s simple movements. The way he tried to stick everything together by force, the way his eyes narrowed and he sighed quite in a way Izaya imagined a bull would. It was making him wonder whether Shizu-chan would really be capable to fix everything. With his temper and all.

Noise filled the air, and curses, and the blond didn't talk to him again, focused on the task at hand- and even though his surroundings weren't exactly quiet, it didn't take long for Izaya to nod off on the couch.

Feeling warm again beneath the blanket and not having to worry about anything for a second really did a great job on destroying his intention of staying awake.

It wasn't until Shizuo had ran out of screws he could break that he turned to look at the flea again.

To see him asleep was something he hadn't particularly expected- but it put him at ease to say the least.

Feeling the tension leave his body the blond relaxed. The screws he had been holding onto were dropped on the ground and the blond moved over to the sleeping raven.

Maybe it was odd, maybe it was the most common thing, but like this, when the raven was sleeping peacefully like this, the blond felt the most peaceful. There was nothing to mess up, nothing to do wrong, just peace. And silence.

And the flea, the flea whose image he had had from burst to something that didn´t even remotely match his former impression anymore.

twitching his hand set into motion as it trailed up to the raven´s forehead. A strain of hair was brushed aside, revealing those closed peaceful eyes.

For a moment the blond couldn't help but let his head tilt and touch the backside of the couch as well- sitting next to the raven.

Curled up in the blanket, face still paler than he liked it and body thinner than he wanted it to me the raven seemed almost fragile. Like something he could easily scatter.

It was scary to say the least. because Izaya had never been someone easy to break or even scratch in any possible way, and now… so much had changed.

Izaya was complicated- okay maybe that was the underestimation of the year.

He was driving him nuts, and mad, making him angry and frustrated and yet-

A sigh leaving his lips the blond let his forehead connect softly with the raven´s.

Izaya was Izaya.

Izaya had always been Izaya.

They took so long, too long, but now he realized what he had actually had all along. All those years.

"I'm sorry for never noticing," he mumbled.

For never noticing anything.

Be it his one sided love or ….

He didn't understand why Izaya was thinking so bad of himself. It made his guts churn.

He already got it, he understood that Izaya actually believed what he said, and no reasoning would actually get him to change his mind, he knew that much.

And yet he wanted to prove to him that he was wrong. That he was loved.

Even if the people around him didn't show it.

He wanted to show him just how much he deserved love.

His siblings, he knew Izaya cared about them- he had never really given him any hint on doing so nor had he witnessed anything about them, but just the way Izaya talked about them, the way he had almost seemed… devastated about the fact that Izaya didn't think they cared about him in the slightest made him feel as though he loved them.

They couldn't hate him.

And the same went for others too. Shinra, he knew Shinra liked him, he was his friend for so long.

Groaning slightly the blond held his breath as the raven moved- already thinking he might have accidentally woken him up, but no, he just moved... closer to Shizuo.

As if he were instinctively craving for warmth and closeness.

The flea suddenly leaning onto his chest and the head on his shoulder the blond didn't dare move anymore.

Ah well.

Relaxing the blond pulled at the blanket, seeing as it was slipping off the raven and pulled it back up.

For now he just wanted to be there for the flea, learn more about him, try to understand him, try to restrain his temper to a degree he would at least be able to listen.

He had a feeling Izaya wasn't done ticking him off yet, but when had he ever not ticked him off? It was a part of Izaya, a part that he didn't hate as much as he had always thought he did.

"Don't worry Izaya," he mumbled, letting his hand brush softly over the raven´s hair.

"From now on I´m going to make things right."

**to be continued~**

**Ahhhhhh sorry-! I know I took ages to update this TAT Truth to be told I haven't been writing on this story for so long that I sorta forgot how to write it xD but now I got the hang of it again xD Oh and for anyone that´s interested, i think there should be somewhat… hmmm 10 chapters left of this story I think C: plus minus 3 or 4 chapters xD Just giving a warning so peeps can start preparing for it to end one day xD**

Now mah rears- I KNOW I DIDN`T UPDATE IN AGES TATATATATTAT

And im so sowwyy!

I haven't been updating regularly TAT None of my stories actually -bows in apology

I don't even have a good excuse geez because the reason is fairly selfish x'D

Anyway peeps, **no worries xD**

First off: **I´m not dead, I didn't drop mah love for Shizaya, I didn't drop mah love for writing nor am I stopping any of my stories xD**

The reason I'm so late is because **I´m trying to fulfill a dream of mine** C':

You know peeps, I allllllways ever since I first started typing little stories on a keyboard when I was 8 years old, **dreamt of one day writing a book xD**

**My own book series to be precise C:**

I´m not sure whether it´s gonna be a trilogy or more books but the thing is I have been working on the plot since 5 years ago (holy fuck that long?!)- on a plot xD Of an original book C: no fanfiction, just me and mah old brain coming up with the most fucked up fantasy/love/friendship/mystery/adventure story I could think of xD

As some of you might know from various authors notes or stuff **I only started writing fanfiction stories in the first place because I wanted to train writing and get something like a writing style** before I start writing down the story I came up with C:

And over the course of time over those 5 years (Fucking long time omg) lots of you lovely wonderful encouraging cookies started gradually but surely saying not only nice things about my story but also mah writing itself xD Which is like the ultimate compliment for me gosh -squeals in joy at all those encouraging words- And I myself noticed too that my writing changed and it's way easier for me today to write and describe scenes than it was 5 years ago xD

And that grew and grew and you all encouraged me so much that by now **I finally gathered enough to confidence and experience to actually start writing my book C: xD** (lol after 5 years xD)

So to put it simple: **I started writing my book two weeks ago xD**

Now **I'm on chapter 7** with the whole shit **and got 38.159 words so far** x'D

I'm writing between 1000 and 2000 words a day, if not more because I wanna get it done before December C': Looking at the pace I´m going at, considering a book of 600 pages, counting roughly 300 words per page, roughly equals an amount of 150.000 words, **I should be done with the first book** of the story somewhere **between October the 8th** (earliest possible date lmao) **and** **December the 17th** (latest possible date) x'D -coughs- you might have noticed I like making plans and calculating shit lmao x'D -cough-

Anyway, So actually that´s the reason I'm so late with all the updates x'D C':

I´m so immersed in mah book´s world and shit and working on it all day there's barely any time left for ma precious shizaya -cries-

**I'm sorry for updating so sparingly** gah I hope you can forgive meh peeps -looks at you with puppy eyes- Imma try to get more shizaya stuff simultaneously done so I can update regularly again C:

If you are curious, **I´m updating the word counts of all the updates everyday on my profile on fanfiction . net** \- also the words count of my book if anyone is interested x'D

I will also give some heads up of when approximately I will be updating which story again C': So check it out haha xD

Also for all the worried cookies out there- you can see on the "profile updated:23h ago" that I´m very much alive and haven't forgotten everyone C':

Well then, I guess that´s everything for today- C': sowy again for the long ass delay TAT

**And back to twtd- next chapter is gonna be out on 9th September some-what-ish xD**

**See you there~! C:**


	45. -๑-๑ஜ๑- Creeping darkness -๑ஜ๑-๑-

**-Izaya´s point of view.-**

A yawn slipped from his lips before the raven even had a chance to blink his eyes open. Confusion was written across his face as he rubbed over them, blinking rapidly-

The clock on the wall was showing 1pm and the raven noticed with a bit of surprise that he must have fallen asleep on the couch-

Shizu-chan was there, on the ground working on the broken pieces of furniture, just like he had before- except half of the shit already seemed to be somewhat fixed-

only somewhat, because he could see some angrily bent screws and wood being stuck into each other in an attempt to make it stick without having to use the screws- well this was just like Shizu-chan, he hadn't expected anything else from the blond.

A soft smile spread over his lips at the sight of Shizu-chan getting annoyed yet again.

He didn't seem to have noticed he was awake yet.

A frown had already popped on his forehead creasing through his actually peaceful expression as wood splintered and he broke off a piece of the door frame he was building at the moment.

For a tiny moment izaya thought he was just going to throw the shit across the room in a fit, but no, instead he just took a deep breath and placed it on the floor while rubbing his temples.

Heh, Shizu-chan certainly had gotten good at getting his temper in control.

This… it was actually amazing, Izaya had what he had always wished for in a sense. Shizu-chan. Somehow- even though he almost pushed him away he was still there.

But for how long?

Cringing at his own thought the raven tried to chase it away. The ugly black crawling heather from the back of his mind.

No, Shizu-chan really meant what he said, he really did love him he wouldn't just leave- he trusted Shizu-chan.

But who actually really knew what the future would bring? A few months ago Izaya had thought he would never ever consider taking his own life like those pathetic humans did- and now…

What if things changed in a way and the blond´s feelings warped into something where there wasn't any room for the flea left anymore?

Feeling his throat go dry the raven closed his eyes for a moment, trying to return back to the way he had felt upon waking up.

Forget about all these thoughts, right now everything was okay, wasn't it?

He was here, with Shizu-chan and he was repairing some furniture.

And yet- upon opening his eyes he couldn't help but feel a lump form inside his throat. Frustration gnawing at him as he couldn't do what he wanted to.

Why?

Why did he feel like that?

He had everything he wanted. Literally- even Shizu-chan who had hated him for all these years was now finally loving him back- so why? Why was this shitty feeling not going away? He was loved, he knew it he didn't even doubt it anymore and yet.

… just why did he have to feel this way? Like he didn't exist- like he just didn´t matter like he could literally walk out here and just disappear without anyone missing him?

He knew Shizuo would miss him deep down and yet the longer he spent time thinking about it the more he found himself not caring.

What the hell was even wrong with him?

How could he be this nonchalant? This apathetic to the things around him?

Just how? Why didn't he feel anything? Why did he feel nothing but that void? The uselessness. Yeah uselessness, that might be the right term for what he was feeling.

useless.

Not needed. Like he didn't exist in the first place.

But if he was useless anyway, only being a burden to everyone, then why was he even still here?

Swallowing hard he tried to focus on the blond in front of him. No. Don´t think about that sort of thing.

He didn't want this again- he didn't want to feel like that day. He didn't want to stop caring about himself and his life again like he did before.

Hah.

He felt like something was surely but slowly creeping to the surface from the back of his mind. Something ugly.

What was this feeling? Why was it here now? Why again? Why after all this time? He hadn't wanted to do anything to himself for the past two days- so many things happened and yet- he was just the same as before wasn't he?

He was the same. Shizu-chan loved him and yet- right now it suddenly didn't matter to him anymore.

What was wrong with his brain? What was wrong with his thinking, just what the hell.-

"Shizu-chan." Twisting his head the blond glanced at the raven.

He had just been about to pick up the broken parts of a cupboard resting on the ground. he had dropped it earlier because it had been annoying him, quite like the door frame had just now, but upon hearing the ravne he stopped midway and turned to him instead.

"Ah, you are awake again?" he asked with a smile, his gaze shifting towards the groggy raven. he looked disheveled somewhat his hair sticking into all directions.

"Just woke up, yeah," the raven informed matching the smile Shizuo had shown.

"I was just about to fix this door frame, since I kinda cracked the one leading to the bathroom," the blond explained pointing at the little shit that managed to aggravate his nerves most recent.

"Hmm, good luck with that," Izaya merely mumbled, resting his chin on the couch's arm rest as he rolled over.

The blood continued to work, taking the hammer that had been lying on the ground next to him and just smashed one of the shitty screws into the wooden texture.

"I´m not sure this is how it works," the raven commented making the blond merely shrug in response.

"So what?" he wasn't going to do this step by step like he was supposed to anyway.

"Nevermind," the raven chuckled, trying to just keep the conversation going- he wanted to say more, talk to the blond and yet he was running out of ideas as soon as he had started talking anyway.

Just what was wrong with him seriously?

A small, really small part of him just wanted to tell the blond that he was feeling like shit again, but another one, the bigger part of him didn't want to disturb the man when he was working in peace like this.

And yet the selfish feeling didn't disappear.

His fingers curling into loose fists the raven couldn't help but frown. he was mad at himself, mad that he couldn't even deal with this by himself. He used to be able to do so many things, manipulate others at his own wish and yet right now he couldn't even manipulate his own brain to act like he wanted it to, to make him feel like he wanted to. No instead he just felt even more despicable.

Taking a deep breath the raven closed his eyes as he realized that line of thinking wasn't going to get him anywhere positive as well.

He couldn't even escape his own thoughts for fuck´s sake.

Silence covered the room like a blanket for a few minutes. Shizuo was still working on that doorframe- it was only after a while that he realized the raven was just watching him, nothing else. He thought Izaya might as well have fallen back asleep, but that didn't seem to be the case.

It was… a bit odd to say the least. Hesitantly the blond continued building that door frame, he was waiting for the raven to strike a conversation. He was never quiet for long after all, but somehow his lips remained shut.

That is until one question dripped from his lips, making the blond freeze within his action.

"Shizu-chan, what do you think happens when you die?"

Shizuo almost dropped the hammer he had been holding onto at those words.

He wasn't stupid.

Asking this sort of question-

letting everything drop to the ground without a care the blond got up from the floor and walked over to the raven. He was looking at him expectantly and a tiny bit confused he supposed as Shizuo simply let himself slump down onto the couch right next to him.

His hands were folded, the raven was still quiet.

"Why are you asking?" were the next words leaving his lips, making the raven feel as though he was busted.

A smile so wrong curled over the raven's lips Shizuo knew it was faked right away.

"No reason, I'm just curious."

...

He was thinking about it, wasn´t he?

He was thinking about it-

"Weren't you repairing this cupboard?" Izaya threw in glancing towards the furniture resting on the ground, but the blond just kept his gaze on the flea anyway.

"That won´t run away," he stated as a matter of fact, making the raven grow silent again.

Avoiding his eyes Izaya glanced around the room instead- a soft sting of guilt and disappointment was nagging at him as he knew exactly what he had been doing. He didn't want Shizu-chan to know what he was feeling like again- and yet he had deliberately asked a question that would make the blond notice anyway.

Just who was he even trying to fool?

Silence passed.

Shizu-chan wasn't asking anything. He wasn't spelling out the obvious either. He was just sitting there looking at him.

Izaya's brows furrow slightly and he closed his eyes turning towards the blond.

No words, no talking.

By now Shizuo had learnt that sometimes not speaking a single syllable spelled more than a thousand words. And with that thought in mind he just leant over, his hand sneaking around the raven as he just pulled him close.

A momentary action of resistance followed by a pretty surprised raven, but he didn´t struggle for more than a second as he let himself be pulled over.

To be honest, Izaya would have never thought he could feel this assured and relieved being this close to someone. There was no trace of anxiety bugging his mind nor was he feeling uncomfortable or like he had to say or do something.

Right now, it was merely that, assuring.

Because he knew Shizu-chan wasn't expecting anything- he was merely trying to help and casually showing that he cared. It was a mix Izaya wasn't exactly used to and for a while the two just stayed like that.

Only after a few minutes did the raven budge a bit.

"What am I even supposed to do Shizu-chan?" It was an honest question.

Usually he wouldn't even ask this sort of thing, not from the brute, considering how stupid he had thought he was and truly believed, but now he knew just how perceptive the blond could be when he really wanted to.

"The job I had was only getting others in trouble. I never did anything worth to be recognized. No one even really knows me. Not even Shinra." It was almost like he was seeking advice from the blond.

"Shizu-chan why should I be alive?"

Maybe he could give him the reason he had been searching for for so long?

After everything they went through after everything he told the blond he felt as though he possessed enough information to give him an answer to that most desired question.

"What for?" he repeated, the blond´s mouth opening, before closing again without speaking a word.

It was a serious question, Shizuo knew that.

As much as he wanted to say, that izaya should continue living for him, because he loved him and Izaya loved him back, he knew that wasn't right. Shizuo wanted Izaya to live, wanted him to understand just how much it hurt him to hear him say these things. But saying something like this was definitely not going to help him.

Izaya wasn't supposed to live for him, no matter how much he loved the raven, no.

"For yourself... probably," he mumbled instead, figuring it would be the best case scenario.

"Myself, huh... Why are you alive? People shun you, hate you- we are in quite similiar situations and yet you didn't turn out like a freak wanting to take your own life because it's just not worth it anymore," the raven countered right away, using his logic n the worst ways possible as the blond was left speechless, not entirely sure what to say.

"Why?" the raven repeated, making him feel as though the air around him was burning.

It was paining Shizuo, this conversation it was making him feel as though it was torture. He knew what Izaya was thinking about, that´s why he was here and had to watch him 24/7 in the first place- and yet…

It destroyed him to listen to the raven.

Maybe it was really affecting him? he didn´t know, but he surely felt as though the more he was starting to understand the flea the more he found himself wondering the same-

No but it wasn't the same.

it was different.

Taking a deep breath the blond closed his eyes for a moment, reminding himself just what he was here for.

He wanted to help Izaya. Wanted to help him get better.

With everything that had happened, after realizing all the wrongdoings they had been doing for so long- he couldn't just carelessly answer the raven.

He had to think about it properly.

"Maybe because…" he started, trying to express himself in the best way possible, "You would be missing out on something."

A questioning frown crossed the raven's expression.

"Missing out?" he repeated, wondering just what he would even miss.

"I don't know, but, you used to like watching everyone right? You always said how you loved humans and all that shit. Don't you want to know how a few things turn out?" Shizuo tried, hoping talking about something that the raven once supposedly loved would maybe prove as at least somewhat of a reason. "Or for example, I want to know if I can manage to control my strength properly one day," he tried further, "I want to know what Kasuka is actually thinking most of the time- I want to know what you're thinking actually." He paused, noticing what that had to sound like.

"Well maybe not exactly, but... you know what I mean," he corrected himself quickly, hoping that he didn't fuck anything up now.

"... guess I do," the raven mumbled. Wanting to know how things turned out, huh? he certainly wanted to know a few things.

Knowledge had always been something he was fascinated by and missing out on things he couldn't even imagine at the moment was something that got him thinking to say the least.

"I'm sorry I'm not being much help," the blond apologized, snapping the raven out of his thoughts. Somehow he couldn't help but feel a soft smile spread over his lips again.

"You care," he mumbled, "that's more than what I could ask for." And it was also something too precious to him to lose and so he softly pushed the blond away again, sitting up straight. "Thanks, now I feel a bit better."

And that wasn't even a lie this time, he really did. A bit that is. But it was better than nothing- and Shizu-chan certainly deserved to know that he was really helping him with what he was doing and saying even if it was just something as simple as a hug and a few obvious words.

A smile matching his own crossed the blond´s lips and he ruffled through the raven´s hair making him blink.

"That´s great," to be honest for a small second Izaya felt like he was a dog being praised for finally executing some sort of trick and he couldn't help but snort at the imagination.

"You should continue fixing this stuff now, or else I might add it to your dept," Izaya added with a mischievous smirk on his lips.

To be honest Shizuo couldn't have wished for anything better than that.

"Hoh, then I should hurry up shouldn´t I?"

And with that he got off the couch again. A ladder placed in the middle of the room was being stepped upon as the blond reached for the top of the cupboard, wanting to screw the top onto the whole thing.

The conversation as over that much was obvious, and izaya seemed like he was a bit better indeed, and yet, there was one question left on his mind bugging him too much to keep silent about it.

"Ne Izaya…" he started as he put one more screw into the wood. "Can I ask you a question?" To be honest he was afraid of the answer he was going to get and yet-

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but if you answer I want you to tell me the truth."

He wanted to know.

Feeling a bit insecure the raven looked at the blond, a frown creasing on his forehead as he wondered what he was about to ask.

"You are making me curious, why so serious Shizu-chan?"

The question did more than just surprise the raven though.

"If, right now, I gave you one of your blades, and left the room… what would you do?"

…

Izaya's glance travelled back to the floor.

Shizu-chan wasn't even looking at him and yet he felt as though the blond was looking right into his soul.

What he would do, … huh?

He had been asking himself a lot of times now- especially recently, he wondered about it.

The day Shizu-chan had found him, it was an impulse- a feeling, and idea that seemed like the right thing to do.

The right move to execute.

But the next day he had felt nauseous at the thought, he had felt like he was about to throw up when he imagined that he could actually be gone from this world. It was confusing to say the least, because both of these were still so fresh in his mind that he understood them both. he remembered the urge to just give up and yet he remembered the terrifying sensation of knowing what he had been about to actually do.

They as both mixing inside him, these feelings- confusing the hell out of his mind.

Right now, what would he really do?

"Would you kill yourself?" Izaya hadn't realized how long he had been sitting in silence, not answering the blond at all. He had to be thinking he just didn't want to tell him an answer.

Kill… huh?

Right now?

He felt like shit, that fact was undeniable. he felt the urge to roll up on that couch and just sleep for the rest of the day- if the blond let him that is.

maybe he would even join him on the furniture.

... to be honest the thought of that sounded even somewhat inviting.

it seemed less lonely than usual. Note Because the blond was there, because there had been moments he was sitting right next to Shirna for example and yet he had felt as though he was completely alone. Detached from everyone, as if they were playing a theatre and he just wasn't part of it.

Excluded.

Even when the brunette was talking directly to hi at times.

but right now… he felt as though he wasn't entirely alone anymore. maybe it was because Shizu-chan seemed to actually get what was going on in his mind. maybe Izaya was imagining it, who knew- but still there was something.

A spark of something that he really wanted to grasp and keep safe.

The blond swallowed hard as his hand stilled, the hammer still in his palm as his other gripped that ladder a tad harder.

The raven was still keeping silent. It was unsettling him to say the least- frustrating- he didn't know what to make of it

it made him want to jump down from the ladder and just hug the shit out of the flea and just shake him until he realized just what he was contemplating- but he knew it didn't work that way. A frown crossed his expression as he closed his eyes for a moment to try collect himself.

"You would, wouldn't you?"

What had he expected? That anything had truly changed all of a sudden?

But the words reaching his ears next, were certainly ones that he had not expected.

"I think I wouldn´t."

_***CRASH*** _

For a moment gravity had just simply not mattered to the blond, or the fact that he had still been standing upon a ladder as he had twisted around up high, his eyes having shot open and looked at the raven in something that almost matched disbelief.

The crash he absolved, falling off the ladder sure had been one impressive sight as the raven looked at the blond that was now scrambling to his feet again.

"Ah- Shizu-chan, did you hurt yourself?" But the blond didn't even regard the little incident as he merely stepped up to the raven, his gaze only fixated on him.

"Repeat that-" he requested, the raven´s attention however, was more on Shizuo's arm than his face however. Dangling from his side it had taken an odd twist that made the raven frown.

"Shizu-chan your arm is bent all wrong-" but the blond wasn't even going to let the flea avoid the topic as he shook his head almost violently before returning the gaze.

"Forget about my arm." He couldn't care less about such simplicities at the moment. Izaya had just said he thought he wouldn't actually do it- he wouldn't actually kill himself if he left him alone- "What did you mean by that?"

…

What did he mean .. huh?

The hope in Shizu-chan´s eyes usually would have made him feel worse in all other cases, but right now- he had thought about his words properly, and now that Shizu-chan wanted him to repeat them for the first time he didn't feel like he wanted to take back what he had said.

because it was the truth. Right now, the way things were, here on the couch, watching Shizu-chan repair shit… he really didn't feel the way he did back in that alley. It was different.

Still shity in a sesne, and the sadness in the corner of his mind didn't leave him alone yet, but it was different.

"I said I don't think I would." the raven repeated, the words feeling somewhat odd on his tongue, somewhat heavy. "At least right now," he quickly added, not wanting to raise the blond´s hopes or make him think he was completely finey now and going to be happy again because he wasn't entirely sure whether this was just another mood his brain had decided to kick him into before slapping him into the face again.

But right now, yeah, it was true.

To be honest, the smile Shizuo was giving off at those words almost made the raven feel guilty.

"Okay." The smile he showed seemed so damn relieved and happy, the raven felt as though he had just accomplished something great. It wasn't even that great, he never said he felt like killing himself 24/7, there were moments when he didn't consider it at all and yet now that he thought about it he had left the blond in the dark about that as well hadn't he?

Reverting his attention back to that arm, or rather shoulder that really seemed like it was broken or dislocated at least he frowned a little bit.

"But Shizu-chan, I really think you hurt your arm just now-" Blinking the blond twisted his head now actually noticing that there was actually something wrong with it.

Well, oups?

"You think so?"

"You can't usually bend an arm like that-" the raven snorted wondering if Shizu-chan had ever paid attention in biology class at highschool- then again he had been busy chasing him, hadn't he?

"...not?"

"No you can't idiot-" he sighed and got up from the couch, "Come on, let´s go to Shinra and have him fix you up."

**to be continued~**

**DUN DUN DUUUUUN xDDDD Ahh, sorry for the slight delay peeps stuff came up (mainly me having to argue and get frustrated over shitty uni business) and I ended up not having enough time to finish this chapter in time C': But hey, now it's here xD And I fixed my uni shit lmao xD**

**The next chapter should be out on 27th September~! C: xD**


	46. --๑-๑ ஜ ๑- Hey Shinra -๑ ஜ ๑-๑--

 

**\---Shizuo´s point of view.---**

“You are an idiot you know that?” the raven scolded the blond as they made their way forward. They had left the flea´s apartment, now making their way over to Shinra's place. And why? Well just because of silly little him that had somehow managed to actually hurt himself while repairing the flea´s furniture. 

Not that Shizuo cared, the arm didn't even hurt, but Izaya had insisted he needed to get checked up. 

Knowing his body well enough Shizuo figured it would just be dislocated or something like that- the doctor had told him at a point in time that due to him getting his arms dislocated a lot he was prone to have it happen easier to him again and again. 

"Don't tell him-" they had arrived. Were standing right in front of Shinra's door to be precise. The raven was referring to his mental state. 

… it awfully reminded Shizuo of the last time they had been here. 

"I won't no worries,” Shizuo replied- and he really didn't intend on doing so. They had managed quite well so far hadn't they? izaya didn't hurt himself any further- well apart from the injuries Shizuo had caused him… and moreover izaya seemed to be getting better. Slowly, but Shizuo´s guts told him he was doing the right thing by keeping this information to himself, at least for now. 

Neither of them had an idea what Shinra would do upon finding out as well.

"Ah right, or I will bite my tongue off, ne?" Izaya threw in, making it sound like a joke, but the bitterness of the statement caused the blond to cringe softly. 

"I knew from the second you said that, that it wasn't true." 

A blink followed, one out of surprise mostly as the raven turned his head to look at the blond. Knocks followed as Shizu-chan had reached Shinra´s door. 

Shizu-chan.. knew that he wouldn't have been able to bite his tongue off? 

The raven had been thinking the blond had had no idea, but then- 

"... then why didn't you tell Shinra right away?" Izaya asked confused, not getting what the blond had been thinking. He could have just dropped him off without having to experience all the trouble Shizu-chan had went through. 

And yet he didn't? The blond was glancing at him, with a gaze, so honest and disarming. 

"... your expression. You didn't want to Shinra to find out, you looked almost afraid to have him know… I couldn't tell him." 

mouth opening to reply something the raven had been about to speak, but the soft creak of a door opening and the ray of light falling into the corridor made him close his lips pretty quick again. 

"Ah, Shizuo, not injured for once?" Shinra asked, being the one that had opened the door as he glanced up and down Shizu-chan´s body. It was somewhat a habit of the doctor ever since he had had to fix them up everyday after school back in high school. 

"Actually he is,” the raven threw in, obviously surprising the brunette whose smiling expression suddenly dropped. A sweatdrop formed on his forehead as he looked back and forth between an Izaya and a Shizuo that just came to his apartment together and were not fighting- 

"If you have to fight please don't do it here-" he pleaded, and the raven couldn't help but snort as he sneaked hi way past the doctor inside his apartment. 

"We don't intend to,” he explained while pointing at Shizu-chan. "This idiot here just managed to dislocate his arm." Blinking the doctor turned his head again and adjusted his glasses while letting his glance travel to the blond´s arm in question. And really, even while still having the white shirt on Shinra could already see the problem. 

“Oh-” he mumbled, still pretty surprised how… calm the blond seemed to be- He hadn't even thrown anything at the raven yet. “Well, I should be able to fix this pretty quickly actually,” Shinra merely mumbled, kinda suspicious what was going on in here when the blond merely nodded and followed the raven inside the apartment- only to sit down on the couch next to him?? 

For a second Shinra wondered whether he was dreaming- but a quick pinch to his own arm assured him this was real after all.

It was then that something small, black and furry suddenly shot inside the room, causing all three of them to flinch-

“What?!” Shinra questioned intelligible as he jumped, the little something being followed by familiar shadows. 

Shadows over shadows were suddenly filling the room, coming from outside the apartment as Celty suddenly dashed inside the living room- The black substance wavered, shot from one end to the room to the other and- 

“Mmmeeeoooowwwwww-” blinking the raven looked towards the end of the shadows, having formed into a tiny ball of black substance- only a furry black tail was sticking out from underneath them as the poor creature jowled. 

“A cat?” Quicker than the brunette was even able to follow the woman suddenly shoved her PDA in his face- 

(I found it on the street! No one seemed to care and I almost knocked it over!) she wrote, her shadows wallowing as she was obviously pretty agitated and probably pissed off. 

(It´s just a baby, how could anyone do something this cruel to a baby kitten?!) 

"Well, people are assholes,” Izaya merely commented, having tilted his head far enough to be able to read what the woman was writing as well.

"Ah, but Celty-" Shinra started, a sudden sneeze ripping from his nose as he squeezed his eyes shut. 

(I decided I'm going to keep this little kitty!) Celty continued, not really paying any attention to the brunette´s complaint, (After all it has no family, and it's so small, and who else would be caring for it? It needs a mommy!) the woman squealed, little heart shaped shadows emitting from her neck as her shadows wavered over, bringing the kitten back. With a soft puffing sound the black substance disappeared and the kitten dropped into her hands. 

“Meoooowwww-” the cat was meowing, but oh it certainly didn't sound happy as it hissed at the woman… without a head. 

The small creature was obviously creeped out by the woman. 

"Celty darling, that's not quite possible HATSCHU-"  Shinra suddenly sneezed, and sneezed again- this time Celty did look at the doctor properly tilting her head while agitatedly writing on her PDA. 

(WHY NOT?!) Sniffing, his eyes getting kinda teary eyed the brunette took off his glasses while wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. 

"I'm kinda allergic to cats Celty-chan,” the doctor cried, hating that he had to destroy his cute wifey´s dreams. 

The woman stilled for a moment before typing rapidly on her PDA again, the cat jumping from her arms. 

(How can you be allergic to something so cute?!) she questioned, shoving the PDA into Shinra's face. 

"I didn't chose to b-" again a sneezed ripped from his nose making the woman's shoulders drop. 

(.... but what about this cat now...) the woman wrote while turning towards the still hissing kitten on the ground. It was really small, fluffy with slightly longer hair than usual. Dirt was sticking to its fur due to having been living on the streets for a long time, and it seemed pretty hostile. 

Hissing once more at the woman with its tail up high and puffed up it turned around, only to jump right into Izaya's lap. 

“What-” the raven blinked, raising his hands in defense as if expecting the kitten to slash at him with its claws, but no, it just remained there. 

The blond snorted, looking at the black cat and the astonished raven. 

"Izaya can take it." Snapping his head around the raven looked at the blond- what what?

"... huh?"

(Izaya?) Celty typed into her PDA, seeming like she was offended by the idea. Well she couldn't be blamed, with all the things izaya pulled inside the city he definitely didn't seem like he was going to care for a cat. 

no, if anything Izaya was probably the kind of person to set it on fire… 

"Wait, what?!" the person in question suddenly protested, trying to shove the kitten off his lap.

“He can take it,” Shizuo merely repeated with a shrug, and it certainly seemed like a good idea. 

“I´m not going to look after this creature,” the raven protested, the kitten already crawling up his lap again.  

“Nope, you will keep it and i will make sure the cat stays healthy and all,” the blond announced again, making the raven groan in defeat. Usually he would be complaining still, and not give up so easily, but seeing how much the blond had already done for him the past few days and considering they were living together anyway… 

“Fine,” he mumbled, frowning at the creature resting in his lap- was this little shit purring even? 

"I'm so sorry Celty..." Shinra whined, still feeling guilty he couldn't fulfill his future wife's wish. 

(You will really keep it?) Celty typed on her PDA, asking Shizuo since she suspected he was only joking about giving it to Izaya. 

“I will make sure it will be happy,” the blond nodded assuring- he already had a sort of plan in mind. So far it had only been him and Izaya inside that huge apartment of his. Maybe having a little kitten in there that was most probably going to create havoc was a good idea. Lifting tension and stuff and maybe get the raven's mind off a few things every now and then as well. 

(Okay) Celty replied, although the response seemed as though she was sighing in sadness, because she can't keep the fluff ball.

“Shinra what about my shoulder?” the blond suddenly asked, making the doctor turn his head after one more sneeze of his. 

“Ah, yeah, let's go into the other room though please,” he groaned, still rubbing his nose and cringing slightly at the itchy feeling that just wasn't disappearing as the kitten chose to run through his apartment. 

Only when the door to the room closed did the cat stop as though it had only been running around to annoy the doctor on purpüose and returned to izaya's lap. 

Still sitting on the couch the raven blinked at the creature that was now rolling up on top of him and sighed. 

Great, now the blond made him take care of a cat. 

(It's nice that you two get along so well.) Surprised that the woman was actually willing to talk at him Izaya read the message twice, wondering for a second if he hadn't read wrong and she actually wrote for him to go die. But nope. 

(Please don´t mess it up.) She added, reminding the raven again of how perceptive she could be at times. Although considering just how calm Shizu-chan behaved around the raven anyone would be able to guess that they were trying to get along or something along those lines. 

"... guess I will give my best. But you know how easy Shizu-chan gets mad at me,” the raven replied with a shrug. A soft sting resurfaced from the back of his mind as he remembered the last time he had read the woman talk about the two of them. 

It had been on the phone screen, the chat room. 

Anri had told them about how they stopped fighting, and Celty … she congratulated him didn't she? It reminded him with a sting of just how low everyone around him was thinking about Izaya. 

“So, how come you aren't mad at me?” the raven suddenly started, wondering just why he was even talking to the woman in the first place. 

(Mad?) she typed either pretending or really not remembering what was there to be mad about. 

“The packages,” Izaya sighed leaning back onto the couch, “I made you deliver quite the questionable substances to various people.” Just remembering the moment when the cops were standing in front of Izaya's apartment and asked Shizuo about the informant´s whereabouts were causing the raven to cringe yet again. 

A hand was lifted to his forehead and he closed his eyes for a moment as he was reminded of just how much shit he had been pulling in the past few days- no not only the past few days. All his life long actually. 

There had not been a single day he didn't drive someone´s life into misery. 

just what kind of person had he been? 

(Even if I tell you to stop doing that you wouldn't so what use would be there telling you.) The woman was brutally honest and hitting right the mark too. That´s right, he wasn't the type to just change or stop doing something because of sympathy or because someone asked him or pleaded him to… 

“Right.” It caused the raven to wonder just what it even was that the blond was seeing in him. From Izaya's perspective he was just that, scum, a horrible being that was doing nothing but destroy. 

(But as long as you don't fight anymore with Shizuo I'm not mad at you.) 

...right. Shizu-chan. The unpredictable brute… 

He loved him. 

Despite not wanting to hear those words from the blond´s lips because they made the raven feel as though he was going to suffocate beneath the heavy blanket of expectations he felt he had to meet, he certainly knew that the bond was feeling exactly this. 

Love. Towards him. Towards someone like him. And somehow right now the raven couldn't help but smile at the thought. 

Shizuo would return with a hopefully fixed shoulder from that room again, they would return to Izaya's apartment, probably take this stinking little creature with them, and then Shizu-chan might as well continue fixing the shit he broke. 

It was… a nice thought. Knowing he was going to return, knowing he wasn't going to drop him like a hot potato. 

It made the raven smile. 

“I won't,” he answered and this time he felt confident he could at least pull something off, something good for once in a while and that was simply not trying to turn the blond into a monster he had never been in the first place. 

And Shizuo was thinking of the raven as well. 

Sitting on that chair next to the doctor´s desk he watched Shinra scurry around as he touched and examined his shoulder. he was probably checking how he should fix it again. But Shizuo´s thoughts were anywhere but on his own shoulder at the moment. He could see the raven from his position. the door had been left open just for a tiny bit, by no one but himself of course so he would still be able to see the flea. 

Not that he didn't trust him- … okay he didn't quite trust him. He felt uneasy leaving the raven out of sight, not knowing what he would do or where he would go and disappear to or whether he was going to see him again once he left his eyes of him. 

It made him feel uneasy. Even though right now he could see Izaya and he actually wasn't doing anything apart from talking to Celty from what he could discern. 

And yet… 

"Ne Shinra, can I ask you a random question?" the blond asked as the doctor suddenly twisted his arm, bending it in a way that released a soft pop from his shoulder. 

"If I know the answer, sure why not?" Shinra said with a grin, adjusting his glasses as he looked at his work. Moving the arm softly the blond nodded, knowing the doctor was waiting for some kind of reassurance that everything was working fine again. 

The brunette grinned even wider, picking up one more tissue as he prepared himself to go back into the living room where the spawn of hell was waiting to make him sneeze again. 

Or he was about to, because the question Shizuo asked sure made him halt within his steps. 

"Why do people kill themselves, Shinra?"

 

**to be continued~**

 

**Dun Dun dunnnn, welp Shizuo just wants to know more about what's going on with Izaya, that's only natural C: Now xD I´m really really sorry for taking so freaking long to udpate! I know it´s been like two months or something oh god- but university started and me being as stupid cookie thought i would b able to pull both off at the same time and jajajajaja xD as you noticed i barely managed to update anything lmao.**

**But!!**

**I got a plan already to write way more updates in the future xD**

**I will be finishing two of my six ongoing stories in November/December~! Namely, “A single touch” and “behind closed doors”  C. and once I finished those i will have way less stress and way more time to update twtd, sotd, SD and Sns way more frequently!! xDD**

**The only bad side is well, that I have to finish these two stories first xD and in order to do that I will be updating only these two for now C’: plz dunt hate me xD**

**The next updates will be coming out in the following order:**

 

A single touch (11/14)

22nd November 2017

A single touch (12/14)

25th November 2017

A single touch (13/14)

28th November 2017

DECEMBER 2017

**_A single touch LAST CHAPTER (14/14)_ **

**1st December 2017**

Behind closed doors (26/30)

5th December 2017

Behind closed doors (27/30)

8th December 2017

Behind closed doors (28/30)

11th December 2017

Behind closed doors (29/30)

14th December 2017

**_Behind closed doors LAST CHAPTER (30/30)_ **

**17th December 2017**

Sinful Desire (20/~40)

20th December 2017

**_Let it snow LAST CHAPTER (3/3)_ **

**24th December 2017**

Survival of the doomed (31/~45)

27th December 2017

Shingeki no Shizuo (10/~40)

30th December 2017

**JANUARY 2018**

**The wish to disappear (47/~60)**

**2nd January 2018**

 

**With that being said….. see you in January x’D I'm sorry for the long ass delay right off the bat -sobs-**


	47. --๑-๑ ஜ ๑- Disturbing creature -๑ ஜ ๑-๑--

**\---Shizuo´s point of view.---**

Blinking the doctor averted his gaze from the now fixed shoulder and back to the blond´s eyes. 

"That's... random," he spoke, pretty surprised, or rather, simply caught off guard by the question. Knowing Shizuo´s simple nature he was a bit confused what he was supposed to respond. “Uhm, what do you wanna know about it exactly?” he tried adjusting his glasses as he straightened himself. 

Hand reaching to the back of his neck the blond rubbed it for a moment obviously just as much at a loss for words as Shinra was. 

"I just saw stuff like that on the news and wondered why the heck people even do that sort of thing,” he mumbled unsure how to go about this without telling the brunette too much. He knew Shinra wasn't stupid. Dense maybe, but not stupid. 

"Hmmmm,” the doctor hummed, “well. That´s a difficult question, you know,” the doctor started, not exactly knowing what the blond longed to hear there. “First of, it depends on the person. Sometimes it's an impulsive action caused by immediate stressors like a break-up or a job loss, things that eventually would get better with time.” Shinra explained, figuring that it were probably these kind of people the news reported about. People jumping down from the top of a buildings roof because their love left them and things like that, yeah the media sure loved to bathe in the gruesome glory of being the first to inform the public about these tragic incidents while casually switching to the weather forecast a second later. 

“ A… stressor?” Shizuo repeated snapping the brunette out of his thoughts. 

“Ah, they experience something bad and can't cope with it basically,” he rephrased, figuring that Shizuo wasn't going to understand if he just used his usual doctric way of speaking. 

Thinking the blond repeated the sentence inside his head. Experiencing something Izaya couldn't cope with? 

… 

He doubted that was what it was about. 

That… wasn't exactly what Izaya was. It hadn't been on impulse. Sure, Shizuo could never know for sure what was going on on Izaya's mind, but from what he had told Shizuo Izaya was afraid of doing something to himself. 

Which basically meant he didn't actually want to die right? 

… then it wasn't an impulsive reaction to anything right? 

“And what if it's not impulsive? If the person thought a lot about it?” he questioned further, casugin the doctor to tilt his head with a soft frown. 

“Like uhm, someone doesn’t want to die but still thinks about killing himself,” the blond tried, carefully trying to avoid mentioning anything that could possibly hint to Izaya. 

“You mean what if the thought of killing itself doesn't go away, right?” Shinra summed up, making the blond nod in response. 

“Yeah, I think.”  

Again a hum resounded and for a moment the blond really thought he could see those gears grind inside Shinra´s head. 

“That's even more complicated actually,” Shinra mumbled while trying to think of a suitable answer. After all it wasn't everyday that Shizuo was this interested in a medicinic topic. 

He didn't know what this was about, but if it was Shizuo asking then there had to be some kind of reason to it, even if Shinra didn't know what it was. 

“Sometimes people consider suicide because life seems void of meaning, people tend to question why they are even living and or the entire purpose of their existence,” he mumbled, remembering having read one or two books about that- being no psychologist he hadn't really dived into that kind of topic all that much. It was but a rough knowledge on the topic that he could offer here. 

“Social isolation would be another thing to keep having recurring thoughts of suicide.” 

That caused the blond to blink-

“... being lonely can make you think about commiting suicide?“ 

“Not necessarily it's usually a matter of combined factors. But don’t underestimate the need for human belonging. It’s so strong that some people are willing to join gangs and or humiliate themselves just to be in a relationship with another person.” 

Somehow Shizuo suddenly felt like there was a hole deep down in the pit of his stomach. 

The times where Izaya taunted him, made him chase him through Ikebukuro were re emerging from his memories. 

How often Izaya got hurt and still came back. Shizuo had always thought Izaya had a screw loose or was just a masochist but now he felt as though the flea had been chasing him for an entirely different reason. 

Was he just trying to be less lonely? It made him feel sick to the stomach because that would mean Izaya had been reaching out for him for so many years and he never noticed 

Sure Izaya had pulled some pretty shitty actions, but seeing how the flea acted how he kept shoving him away how he said he couldn't treat him any better than he did himself- 

With all this smartness of his did he really have this much of a problem to connect with others? 

“Suicide is not death in itself for a depressed person, Shizuo. It’s the wish to escape the suffering of emotional pain.”

Shinra tried, seeing already that the blond was having troubles to understand what he had meant with his words. Or maybe it was just that Shizuo couldn't emphasize? Whatever it was something about what the brunette had said seemed ot irk the blond. 

“It’s like they are being tortured and just beg for it to stop,” if this weren't such a bitter and heavy topic Shinra might as well have been proud of his own little metaphor, “The problem is they don’t know how.” 

“Do you know that?“ Adjusting his glasses the doctor blinked. 

“What?“ 

“How to stop the pain,” Shizuo repeated, hoping, really, really hoping that maybe SHinra knew a thing or two that he could use to help Izaya with. Something, he would really take any kind of hint. 

but sadly he was merely shaking his head.  

“I wish I did, there is no universal way to treat this Shizuo,” he explained but the words were nothing but a disappointment to Shizuo´s ears. 

"..... I see." So basically he was about as smart as before he asked Shinra…. no maybe not. At least he had understood one more part about Izaya. He had already thought so, the first time when he was researching in Izaya's apartment in all those books he possessed. The apartment seemed so cold and lonely. At that point he didn't know just how much the surroundings matched its owner. 

"Does it make more sense to you now?" Shinra asked, that grin plastered on his face again as Shizuo shook his head. 

"Not really."

"Good~" was the only word that left Shinra´s lips though as he got up from his chair. 

ha, of course. Understanding what the doctor had been talking about would probably prove a certain degree of consternation. 

“That’s a very vast topic you know, I didn’t even study that section of medicine. It’s rare for you to be interested in other people,“ Shinra went on and for a second Shizuo felt a feeling of guilt attack his senses- snapping his head up he looked at the brunette, wondered if maybe he had connected the dots- 

But a sudden shadow of black dashing into the room was ending the conversation quite abruptly.  

One hand was typing on the PDA while the other was petting, or rather trying to pet the hissing cat that was being lifted by her dark shadows to avoid getting scratched all over. 

(Shinra can we really not keep the cat?) 

“Celty dear… “ the doctor sighed, a sneeze already ripping from his nose once again as he looked at the evil creature causing his suffering. 

Casting a glance to the side Shizuo could spot the flea, still sitting on the couch. 

he was leaning back looking up at the ceiling. 

A few steps were taken and the blond was already in the brunette´s living room again and next to the flea. 

“Let's go home,” a bit startled the raven looked up, not having heard the blond walk over. 

“Fixed again already?,” he questioned while pointing at that arm of his. 

Moving it up and down, left and right a soft smile spread over Shizuo´s lips as he nodded reassuring. 

“Yeah it just popped out or something.“ The screeching cry of help from a certain black furred cat was to be heard all of a sudden as the said animal dashed away from the headless dullahan and right into Izaya's lap. 

Frowning the raven looked at the unwelcome guest before throwing Shizuo a glance. 

“.... and this creature?“ 

“We are taking it with us of course.” Sighing the raven looked at the growling ball of fluff. Reminded him of Shizu-chan in a way.  

“Feared so.” not much more time passed until they left Shinra´s house- for a few more minutes Shinra had to explain to Celty what exactly an allergy was and no that he couldn't just get rid of it. 

And for a few more minutes Shizuo tried to lure the kitten heather form one of Shinra's shelves as it had covered and hid beneath it in fear of Celty. 

Of course it immediately came heather when Izaya called the little shit. 

Frowning at the fluffy creature that had all too nicely snuggled up in his arms he sighed. 

“What am I supposed to do with this thing?” They were walking down the streets, almost back at his apartment actually. 

"That's not a thing, it's a cat,” Shizuo snorted- to be honest, watching the raven getting this annoyed by something as simple as a cat was somewhat funny to see. 

"I can see that thank you." Especially since the kitten seems to love the flea for some reason. 

"Really now, I already decided to keep you, but now this?" Izaya sighed while throwing Shizuo one of his good old teasing glances. 

"Keep me? You made it sound like I'm a dog or something,” the blond snorted not finding any reason to get mad over his teases this time around. 

“That's what you said~” 

Purring loudly both their attention was drawn towards the cat, snuggling and cuddling and- 

“It seems to like you,” Shizuo snorted while Izaya pinched the area right behind the kitten's neck to pry it off his neck. 

“Sadly that feeling is not reciprocated little fellow,” he groaned, looked right at that innocent pet´s face too- but instead of being offended the creature merely rubbed its nose against the raven's cheek. 

“Ew,” was the only reaction izaya was willing to give as he shoved it towards the blond. 

“There you take it,” he announced and despite Shizuo actually not being that opposed to take the cat the little fellow seemed to have its own opinion there as it instantly hissed at the blond. 

“I don't know if you noticed,” the blond snorted, “but it hates my guts.” 1850

Hmmm. 

Frowning and giving off the best glare he could manage Izaya glowered at the animal. 

“Being a picky little shit aren't ya?” he sneered at the purring ball of fur. He was receiving nothing but more purrs and an enthusiastic nya~! though. 

Silence covered the two again. The cold air of Shinjuku was breezing through the street. Not many people were wandering around and the two of them were almost entirely alone. 

Looking left and right the blond spotted various shops, food restaurants and even a bakery. 

Bakeries had really been something he had always loved, but right now, remembering the last time he had seen a bakery it had a bitter taste to it. 

Sure there was no alley opposite of this one and no bleeding Izaya in it either, but the picture was still something that was going to stay with him for a while. 

“Ne Shizu-chan,” the raven suddenly started, averting the blond´s attention. 

“Hm?” The raven´s tone of voice had changed. Softly but perceptibly. He was speaking lower, as if to make sure no one else would be hearing him despite nobody hanging around them this close in the first place. 

The only people running around were doing their very best to avoid the two legends of Ikebukuro. 

“Before, you said … I looked afraid,” the raven repeated, recalling the answer to his question. “To have Shinra know about me that is.” 

He seemed… nervous? No that wasn't quite the term to describe Izaya with. Restless perhaps. Something about it was obviously irking him. 

“Yeah, so?” Shizuo asked wondering what the raven was going on about. 

“Don't you think it's weird?” he questioned, and somehow there was again that masked smile on his face, that expression that seemed as though Izaya was just joking around despite saying things that were obviously no laughing matter. 

It was a mask of discomfort that much Shizuo had learned. 

“I have been thinking about it myself you know,” Izaya continued speaking, “Shinra is a doctor, that guy being a quack and all could still know a thing or two on how to help me and yet-” 

“Izaya, he isn't just a doctor.” Twisting his head the raven looked at the blond his eyes seeming confused by the blond´s interruption. After all Shinra was a doctor, he was pretty sure of that and Shizu-chan knew that too, after all it had been Shinra who had been patching them up since high school and-

“He is your friend.” 

… 

...oh. 

So that's why. A bitter smile spread across his lips as he shrugged. 

“I dunno if you can really describe us as frien-” 

“He is.” Shizuo didn't really want to interrupt the raven all the time, if anything he really appreciated that the fla was talking to him freely like this, and yet he was obviously getting onto the wrong track of thoughts here. “You know that as much as I do,” he continued, hoping that the raven would realize that he was marching on the wrong path here. 

Staying silent for a moment the raven merely looked at the cat. Seeming like he was in thoughts- like he truly considered what Shizuo had said. 

“Hm, I'm surprised you think so, with all the things he said you could guess the opposite actually,” he mumbled softly.

“Just how you always say the opposite of what you want?” Pausing the raven blinked. He looked at the blond as he registered the words again. 

The opposite of what he wanted? 

“... I do?” he said though the statement sounded more like a question than a confirmation. 

Smiling softly the blond nodded. 

“Sometimes, yeah, you didn't notice?” It was an honest question, one of surprise actually. it was somewhat odd that the flea didn't even know what he was doing, and yet it was reassuring to realize he had learned this much about the louse. 

“Wah I´m getting scared, Shizu-chan is starting to know me better than I know myself,” the raven snorted, seemingly having had the exact same thought as he rubbed his neck awkwardly. 

It was… good. 

This right now, seeing Izaya somewhat flustered and surprised- or rather, seeing Izaya care enough to actually be affected by what he was saying… it was nice. Nice to know he wasn't as indifferent anymore about the things happening around him as he used to. 

“Ahh, now get this thing off me or I will really murder it!” The raven suddenly announced and before the blond knew it he found the fluffy killing machine throw right into his face. 

Scratching and hissing the cat did not in the slightest intend to let the blond go unscathed it seemed as he tried to pry the devilish creature off his body and the freaking long claws out of his skin. 

But even though the walking meat grinder was trying to kill him, Shizuo couldn't really care any less as the beautiful sound of Izaya's laughter reached his ears, watching the fortissimo of Ikebukuro fight against a baby cat. 

 

**to be continued~**

**Now this was a really…. light chapter xD Starting with serious explanations and conversations of course, but hey look at da kitty scratching Shizuo´s face xDDD**

**I´m sowy I took so long to update, stuff was getting- ah whelp who cares? xD Fact is everything is taken care off mostly and now I will be updating way more frequently again~! xD**

**With that being said the next chapter is gonna be out on 29th January 2018~! I know that's not exactly soon, but gimme a break people I have my last 5 exams for this semester squished in between the last two january weeks x’D**

 

**Next chapter is gonna be quite the nice piece to read too hoho C:**

 

**See you~! xD**

 

**PS.: I have been thinking of starting a little doodle drawing sketch shit thing on my instagram account, (in February) so if ya wanna check that out (again in february lol there is still time till then xD)**

**thefeather_shirohimesstories**

**that's my name on there xD**

 

**Well then see ya next chapter xD**


	48. --๑-๑ ஜ ๑- Feathery kisses -๑ ஜ ๑-๑--

**\--๑-๑ ஜ ๑-Chapter 47: Disturbing creature -๑ ஜ ๑-๑--**

 

**\---Shizuo´s point of view.---**

Groans were to be heard. Grunts too as the blond was wrestling with today's technology. Honestly Izaya could have fixed this himself- and way faster than the blond as well, but he shouldn´t dare and interrupt this funny little show in front of his eyes now should he?

“The hell why is this still not working?” Shizuo was crouching next to the raven´s tv- having borrowed one of Izaya's USB sticks and his computer the question whether Izaya wanted to watch a movie with him had quickly turned into okay let's watch a movie with Kasuka in it because Izaya actually never bothered to watch one of those and it were Shizu-chan´s favourites. 

Little had Izaya known what kind trouble that plan was causing to arise!

First of they hadn't found even one of Kasuka´s movies online completely- but oh that wasn't even the best~! 

Holding back a grin the raven recalled the image of a very very flustered Shizu-chan that had clicked onto a link that said FULL MOVIE and ended up getting onto some kind of porn site. 

A woman was sprawling herself across the screen and the lovely loudspeakers of Izaya's helped her announce that this site was only for people over 18 pretty nicely. 

Izaya had never seen Shizuo blush this hard in his entire life but damn that had been a sight worth it. And it had only become even more hilarious when Shizu-chan smashed all the buttons repeatedly in a foolish attempt to close the window as quickly as it had popped up and accidentally entered some kind of … chat. 

The words, “Hoh, wanna join her Shizu-chan?” had certainly not helped the blond calm down at all. 

Izaya hadn't laughed this hard in a while now- 

But hey eventually they found one of Kasuka´s movies. It wasn't the best quality but at least it worked. They put it on an USB stick and seriously Izaya had thought now the fun was over but nope. It only continued~! 

“Fixed it yet~?” he purred, sitting cross legged on his black couch, the blond still pressing nearly every button on that remote control trying to find where the hell he was supposed to start this movie. 

“Oh shut up, flea,” he groaned- and yep for once he was just embarrassed- he couldn't believe he was too freaking stupid to simply start a movie on the tv! 

“Want help?” Izaya offered and this time he wasn't even being a tease about it. Pulling the fluffy blanket up that Shizu-chan had found god knows whee in the back of one of his cupboards the raven made himself comfortable while waiting for the blond to fix this.    
“No-!” he replied stubbornly, staring at that tv as if it were going to cooperate that way. 

Shaking his head the raven leaned forwards quietly. The remote control was resting on the small table in his living room, and he already knew why it wasn't working. It was a moment Shizu-chan turned away from the screen at the raven quickly pressed a couple buttons, switching from HDMI 1 to HDMI 3 and a very familiar face belonging to no one but Shizu-chan's brother filled the screen. 

“You did it,” he announced, making the blond turn his head towards the tv in surprise. 

Izaya shuffled over, making some room for Shizu-chan on the couch a and then that thing started- the thing that was supposed to be a movie. Honestly speaking Izaya hadn't really paid a lot attention onto what the movie was even called in the first place something about a ninja named Carmilla saizo, might be a vampire too though. But when he saw Kasuka fly around with two swords on his back and wings that imitated a bat´s while fighting something that looked like a robot made of cars he deemed this was not going to be one of his favourite movies. 

Especially that mask of his was really cringeworthy- and what about that second Kasuka that suddenly showed up? The plot was way too straightforward, not unexpected twists no sudden deaths- all in all everyone survived at the end as well. 

Seriously if it hadnt been for that smile on Shizu-chan´s expression during the whole movie he would have probably quit watching it- but hey. Shizu-chan really did love his brother a lot didn't he? 

Izaya couldn't help but think that way if he was willing to endure a movie this bad just to see him in it. Hmm he was a celebrity too, so Shizu-chan probably didn't get to see him a lot either. And then all those rumors. Countless of actresses were supposed to be having a thing for the actor, he knew at least that much from the everyday news and gossip shows. 

One of those was just running across the screen, she was playing one of his teammates it seemed. 

Regardless of the gigantic robot that was raging across the screen Izaya found himself actually questioning the plot. 

"Say, does Kasuka never end up with any of the girls in the movie?" Attention having been drawn entirely to his brother on the tv screen the blond blinked surprised before turning to the raven. 

“What?” 

“One of those girls,” the raven repeated, pointing at yet another familiar or whatever that was flying around Kasuka at the moment. “Does he ever end up with any?”

Cringing just a bit the blond looked at the screen then back at Izaya before shaking his head in an almost violent fashion. 

“No, no, he doesn´t,” the answered, "and I'm glad about that. I couldn't stand a kissing scene,” the blond mumbled with a frown making the raven snort in response. 

"Because he is your brother?" the movie was still going on but somehow the plot wasn't as interesting as the conversation at hand. 

"No just because... because he is Kasuka!" Shizuo said, ruffling through his hair as the unwanted picture of kasuka kissing one of those girl popped up in his mind. "Kasuka does not kiss anyone,” he announced and god the way he stated it so serious as though it was what he firmly believed Izaya couldn't help but laugh. 

"You don't even know, he probably kissed a lot of girls already,” he said, knowing opposite t Shizu-chan, very well that actors tended to get into relationships with one of their coworkers more than frequently. “And more,” he added, and he swore he could see goosebumps crawl up the blond´s back as he shook his head in a denying manner. 

"Please don't make me imagine it-" he groaned- geez how could a grown man like Shizu-chan act this innocent and naive about such a topic? 

“Come on, he is an adult,” Izaya snorted only increasing the cringe factor on Shizuo´s part. 

"Wanna imagine your siblings doing that?" the blond threw in, hoping to make izaya stop this topic already, but nope- he had chosen the wrong question there. 

"Well Mairu and Kururi used to kiss each other,” the flea said, one finger resting against his chin as he tilted his head thinking, “I guess I wouldn't be too surprised seeing them kiss someone else." 

Of course- why did he even ask? 

"Geez your family is fucked up,” the blond mumbled, and just for the fraction of a second he regretted the words- describing his family as fucked up was basically the same as telling Izaya he was fucked up- his head turned to look at the raven fearing he might just have messed something up now- but to his great relief that wasn't the case. 

"My, thank you,” the raven laughed, but it was one of those playful laughs, a teasing one. Thank god he hadn't taken the words in a bad way. 

"So, did you actually kiss anyone in your life?" Shizuo had seriously no idea where that question had come from when it dripped from his lips, he had wanted to change the topic- but that- 

"Did you?" the raven answered his question with yet another one in return, that curious grin still resting on his expression. 

"I asked first,” the blond stated, pulling some of the blanket over they were sharing on the couch since the flea had stolen almost all of ti for himself. 

"And I asked back,” the raven smirked, pulling at the blanket as if to emphasize his statement. 

Snorting the blond gave up. 

"No, I didn't kiss anyone." 

"Ah, Shizu-chan is lying!" Surprised the blond blinked, fora  second confused- he was pretty certain he had never kissed anyone? 

"Huh? I'm not-" but the flea already had the answer at hand as he pointed towards his own lips. 

"You kissed me,” he snorted, "Two days ago."

".... oh." Right, the flea had a point there. "That´s true." Although… it hadn't been.. how to put it. 

Falling silent the blond recalled the moment. He had kissed the flea, alright, it had been- because he loved him because he was desperate, Izaya had been so keen on the fact that Shizuo hated him and wasn't even holding one shred of a positive feeling towards the raven that it had just overwhelmed him. 

The want to show the flea to make him see that wasn't the case. 

"Did you do that because you loved me too?" this time it was Izaya who was asking the very same question that was circling through the blond´s mind at the moment. But now he knew the answer to it at least. 

"Of course,” he said, looking at the flea that was huddled up in that blanket crouching on couch so different to the old izaya he had always thought he knew. 

He hand´t known a damn thing about him so far, that much Shizuo realized by now.  

"How about you did you kiss anyone?" It wasn't like he was actually curious, okay or maybe he was but that was not the point of asking this question, it was more like he didn't want the the mood to topple over. After all the kiss hadn't been the happiest per se. 

"Apart from you? No actually didn't,” the raven answered truthfully, after all the blond was the only one he had ever wanted to kiss. "That makes you my first, I guess,” he chuckled. 

"Geez and it wasn't even a good one,” the blond mumbled with a groan and ruffled through his blond hair. 

"How am I supposed to take that?" Izaya questioned, a bit amused but also curious about the reasons for Shizu-chan’s words. 

"No it's just, you were crying,” the blond mumbled, trying to explain, “Shouldn't a first kiss, don't know, be something more... uh-" words were failing him as he tried to describe what he meant. 

"Romantic?" Izaya questioned, feeling like he knew what the blond was going on about. After all their first kiss had resulted from a fight… that wasn’t exactly a good timing per se. 

"Yeah,” the blond nodded in agreement- honestly he even felt kinda bad for it, knowing now that it had been the raven´s first kiss and all. 

It was then that he suddenly found a flea bounce over and flop down onto his chest as he was being pushed over. 

"See my eyes?" the raven questioned, nothing but the soft blanket separating the raven and the blond as he looked at Shizu-chan. His arms were crossed forming a good pillow to rest his chin upon as he was sprawled on Shizu-chan. 

"... yeah?" the blond mumbled, a bit unsure what the raven was trying to do as he looked at those reddish eyes. 

"I'm not crying now,” the raven stated. And for once the blond knew what the flea was trying to say with his words. Or rather what he was expecting from Shizuo. 

Reaching up he cupped the raven´s face gently, his thumb brushing over his cheek he leaned up to catch the raven´s lips in a soft kiss. 

Izaya's eyes were closed, for a moment it was just quiet. Sure the tv was still running and that movie anything but silent, but in that moment no one paid attention to the tv anyway. 

"You really aren't,” the blond whispered softly breaking the soft kiss for a moment before heading for another one as he pulled the flea close. 

It felt so right, so perfect, Izaya suited just perfectly in his arms and they certainly never had a calm moment like this. Made the blond wish time could stop in that moment. 

And Izaya was feeling the same. A soft smile was tugging at his lips as he felt a tongue push past his lips. He felt hot, save and just really content at that moment. 

Ah- 

that was until he felt the blond´s hand slid up his spine, causing his shirt to shift just a bit. 

"Don't-" he breathed, making the blond pause in the motion. It took him a blink and a few seconds to understand what the raven meant putting his hands back down- but the confusion was still there. 

"It's just... it's revolting isn't it?" Izaya mumbled, and honestly speaking he was just… he didn't even know what to call the feeling. he knew Shizu-chan had already seen the scars on his waist- he had seen them when he forced the raven into the shower. And yet he couldn't help wanting to hide them. 

"What?" Shizuo asked, not really understanding yet what the flea was going on about. Revolting? What would be? 

"... the scars” Izaya mumbled, averting the blond´s gaze. “and I'm way too skinny too..." he was painfully aware of how unattractive he was looking at the moment. 

But as always Shizu-chan surprised him with the unexpected when he suddenly found himself being toppled over. 

Before he knew it there were hands wrapping tightly around his waist and the face of the blond nuzzling into his shirt like a big fluffy cat.

"Well, I think you are beautiful just the way you are,” he said and the raven couldn't help but swallow down the lump of insecurity that had been bugging him the whole time. Really, Shizu-chan always knew just what to say. 

Smiling softly he let his hands ruffle through those blond strands of hair. 

That was when they both heard a weird sound from somewhere really close. 

Twisting their heads they looked on the floor- a very innocent and totally not devilish kitten sitting there and looking up at them in return. And next to it- 

"It puked on the floor,” Shizuo stated causing the raven to groan a the freaking beast that caused the mood kill. 

"I'm killing this disturbing creature I swear,” he uttered under his breath as he glared at the devilish creature that was a cat. 

"Disturbing creature? It's a kitten,” the blond snorted, watching the kitten as it walked away after having done its deep as though nothing had happened at all. 

"Fine, I'm killing the kitten,” Izaya huffed, his annoyance not having decreased in the slightest after the monster had killed the mood like this.

"How about you forgive it and let me go clean this up?" Shizuo suggested with a smile, but nope- 

"No way,” was the only answer he received in response. 

Oh but he certainly didn't consider the blond´s fantastic way of persuading him as he suddenly leaned forward, and nipped at the raven´s neck. 

A glance was cast, searching for the raven´s reaction as the blond kissed him, sucked leaving the raven to writhe softly at the feeling of Shizu-chan´s lips sucking softly on his skin. He didn’t need to look at the spot to know Shizu-chan was creating a kissmark there. 

"And now?" the blond questioned after a minute, that smile still on his lips. 

Tilting his head as thought the raven had to think about his question really hard the raven nodded eventually. 

"Kay, I forgive it,” he purred, “But only if you do that again~” 

 

**Heyo readers C:**

**I’m sowy for being late ow shit xD truth to be told, halfway through the chapter I managed to burn my left hand while cooking lunch and had to write the rest of this chapter with only my right hand x’D Fuck my life omg x’DDDD**

**But I did it *0*0*0* So yah I hope chu liked this chapter xD and the disgusting creature lmao Izzy doesn’t like the kitty all too much. xDDDD**

 

**On a different matter, people! I am curious!**

I wanna know which of my stories is the most popular at the moment C: So:  

 

**////// if YOU are reading this story/////**

**///////leave me a “Still there buddy” in the comments x’D ////////**

**I decided that the story with the most readers on both ff and Ao3 will be getting DOUBLE updates from now on!! xD**

 

On “Survival of the doomed” it were 53 people- (holy fuck?! O.O) so far 

**Well then, see ya in the next update on 13th February with the result~! :3**

**PS.:** I have been thinking of starting a little doodle drawing sketch shit thing on my instagram account, so if ya wanna check that out 

**thefeather_shirohimesstories**

that's my name on there xD

 

**PPS.: I’m sowy peeps I will probs take longer now till I can write let it snow and Blue Pain TATAT**

  
  



	49. --๑-๑ ஜ ๑- Gone -๑ ஜ ๑-๑--

**\---Izaya´s point of view.---**

There it was, that disgusting creature. Leisurely stretching itself along the floor before dropping on its side like a dead piece of meat. 

“That creature sure is enjoying itself,” Izaya grumbled, still kinda annoyed at the creature for stopping what Shizu-chan and him had had earlier. 

He didn't even know what it was exactly- just- something. 

Izaya had told Shizu-chan that he didn't want his love, not the way he presented it so openly- and yet right now, weren't they acting just like lovers…? 

It was contradicting what he had asked of Shizu-chan in every possible way and yet Izaya didn't feel the need to complain. 

Honestly, he would understand it if Shizu-chan thought he was going insane slowly but surely. 

He had had a moment of clarity, he knew, feared deep down what would happen if they continued being together like this. 

His stomach lurched just thinking abou the possibility of Shizu-chan finally getting fed up with him. 

And yet… 

Sitting on the couch he couldn't help but bask in this feeling of peace and warmth from when Shizu-chan had nuzzled into him. It was too good to be true. 

Shizu-chan had cleaned up the disgusting creature´s legacy and was off to the bathroom to wash his hands. 

Brows furrowed the raven bent down to the floor, eyeing the unwelcome guest with a glare. As if the small kitten had noticed it was drawing attention to it, it turned around  on its back, presenting its fluffy belly to the raven. Honestly it looked as though it wanted to say, please pet me Izaya. 

Frowning the raven rested his chin on his palm, having his arms propped up on his knee. 

“I'm not going to pet you, you little shit,” he announced, a second later feeling stupid for even doing as much as talking to the creature. Why was he talking to it in the first place? It was a fucking animal, a baby even. Stupid. 

Of course not having understood that the raven despised the shitty little ball of fluff said monstrosity leisurely got up from the ground with a high pitched mewl. 

Stalking over the raven watched the devil´s doing with a frown. 

Mewling and tapping on its tiny little pawns the creature dared to rub itself against the raven's leg while starting to purr.

“Are you trying to bribe me?” Izaya mumbled, flowering at the kitten was seemed like it was having a the time of its life brushing past the raven. shoving the kitten away with his leg he pushed it off. “Sorry to break it to you but I hate you,” he announced, already having forgotten again that he was talking to a cat. 

A fucking cat. 

The kitten wasn't perturbed by the action though, no the opposite, it seemed to have taken the movement the wrong way its purr only getting louder as it returned. 

“Hey stop it,” Izaya complained, feeling the kitten rub against him once more. 

Seriously this cat was just like Shizu-chan, not listening at all. 

“I said stop,” he repeated, trying to shoo the kitten away with his hand- but ah the kitten had only waited for that opportunity. Mewling it was pressing its head to the raven´s palm quicker than Izaya could even react. 

A roll of eyes was all that followed as the raven lant forward, wrapping both his hands around that little ball of fluff. 

“Listen you little shit,” he announced, holding the kitten up, right in front of his face as if it were going to listen, “You and me are not going to be friends,” he made clear, only to have the kitten lick his nose, totally oblivious to the glare it was receiving. 

It was frustrating. 

And yet amusing for a certain blond that had returned to the living room. 

“....what are you doing with the cat?” a stifled laughter was heard from the aid man as he returned only to find an Izaya holding the kitten up and have it lick his nose. 

“Trying to teach it a lesson,2 the raven announced, dropping the kitten back onto the floor. 

“What?” Realizing what he had said had sounded quite silly the raven thought his previous statement over once more. 

“Nothing.” Talking to a cat wasn't exactly something he should be proud of. Letting his eyes follow the creature that had finally decided to let of his legs he watched it stroll around his apartment. 

The bookshelf seemed to have especially attracted its attention as it sniffed at the pages. Maybe it was just the bookshelf in total that it liked, or the small gap it was not picking to roll up in. there were a couple a books, having tilted over, forming what seemed to be the ideal hiding spot for the little devil. 

“Say does this cat even have all the necessary shots?” the raven found himself asking- thinking about it he didn't think so, after all Celty had brought it to Shinra, and Shinra- well he hadn't exactly seen him take care of the cat in any way. 

“What?” Shizuo questioned a little surprised that Izaya was actually asking about the little shit he didn't like. 

“It should get them so it won't get sick,” he announced, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. 

Feeling the hint of a smile crawl upon his features the blond hummed. 

“Don't tell me you care about the cat?” 

“Of course not, are you out of your mind?” Izaya said right back, looking at the blond as though he had gone insane. “This creature can go back to where it belongs, that's not my problem.” said creature seemed like it noticed the two mere talking about it as one of its ears twitched softly in its slumber. 

Or maybe it was just irritated by the loudness surrounding it. 

“So what about the shots? Do we even know its gender?” 

“Uh-” but the blond didn't exactly look enlightened by his question. 

“Shinra should have told you that stuff, you don't think things through at all, do you?” the raven sighed while shaking his head- this blond was really unbelievable. Or unpredictable? Well both of those descriptions seemed to define the blond way too well. 

“You were there too, could have said something you know,” the blond replied, not really convincing izaya that he was actually supposed to be at fault though.  

“If I may remind you, I didn't want that disturbing creature in the first place.” if anything he would love to give it back to Shinra probably, even though the doctor was allergic to it. 

“Alright, I got it,” the blond admitted defeated. A second passed and the two looked at the kitten that decided inspecting the new flat it was living in was more interesting than sleeping. 

“So,” the raven mumbled, “What now?” after all that stupid creature still needed to be somewhat looked after. Now since they decided- no sine Shizu-chan forced that piece of shit on him. 

“We could head to Shinra, again,” Shizuo suggested, although he realized it wasn't the best suggestion considering he was allergic and all- but then again, he would survive a few more minutes with the cat. After all they were already taking it in exchange. 

“Seriously? We just came back,” izaya sighed, not sounding like he was particularly delighted about having to head back to Shinra right after they had just left. 

“I used to chase you through half the city, since when did you get this lazy?” the blond merely questioned, spiking the raven´s pride as he argued- 

“I'm not lazy, it's just inefficient.” 

“Then let´s be efficient and not lose any time for once.” And with those words the blond walked over again- that cat already ready to hiss and lash out at the blond. But this time Shizu-chan was just a tiny bit smarter. Izaya's coat that he had chosen to throw onto the ledge of the couch was grabbed and- 

“Caught you,” one, two and the kitten was caught in what seemed like a makeshift sack of Izaya's sleeves tied together on top. 

“You want to carry it like this?” 

Blinking the blond looked at izaya, then at the sack, then back at the raven. 

“Yeah? Why?” Shaking his head the raven sighed, well actually why not? 

On the way here they had just carried it around as well so hey. 

And so they went out of the apartment once more. Down those stairs, down the streets, it was a mere walk of twenty minutes at most until they were right where they had been before. 

“Hey-” was the first thing Shizu-chan said upon facing the familiar doctor they had seen barely an hour before. 

Stupefied he looked at Shizuo, then at the raven- checking them from head to toe. 

“Did you get in a fight? Is anyone half dying?” Snorting the raven shook his head. 

“Not yet. Actually Shizu-chan just forgot that owning a cat also meant taking on some responsibility, that's all.” Seeing the sack that seemed to be Izaya's coat move the brunette frowned defeated as he figured just who they had brought back again. 

“It's still a baby, so I guess it didn't get all the medical treatment and shots it's supposed to have I guess.” Realization dawning on the brunette he nodded. 

“Right, I forgot-” 

“Please Shinra, is Shizu-chan´s stupidity rubbing off on you now?” 

As if. 

“Give me a break, I'm suffering here with this cat around,” Shinra whined, glancing at that kitty sack with dread. 

“Why me?! I'm no vet-!” he cried, but Izaya merely hummed.  

“Are you saying you can't do it?” 

“.... of course I can,” Shinra responded, adjusting those glasses of his before taking the makeshift sack filled with cat into his own hands. There was no way around this anyway he supposed, especially with those two already standing in his door frame. Dragging the coat filled with the monstrosity he carried it over to a small room located right next to the living room. It was the same he always treated Izaya and Shizuo in. 

“Well then, let's get this over with,” the brunette sighed, unwrapping the layers of doom. 

Shizu-chan already took a step back, fearing that the cat might just run off if it saw him standing there. And Izaya instinctively did the opposite, knowing that this little shit was probably going to behave as long as he was around. And then there it was, the glorious fluffed creature, instantly making the doctor cringe and scrunch his nose. 

Not bothered at all the kitten was sitting on that coat, on the desk, taking in its surroundings while Shinra shuffled over to the window, opening it so he could at least have some fresh air that maybe softened his allergic reaction. 

“Let's check you up,” the brunette announced, and it was just before he touched that soft furry body of his that the sound of the doorbell ripped through the peaceful silence. 

Blinking the doctor paused, but hey, he was happy he got to leave the cat alone for a little longer, “Just a moment~” he purred, a grin sneaking across his expression as he expected to meet his lovely soon to be wife that had returned home early. 

But no, that was not what was awaiting him. 

Opening the door he found himself looking into the faces of five men. gruff, stern. 

“Orihara Izaya, is he here?” was all the man in front asked, causing the doctor to blink. 

“What?” 

“There are rumors going around that he died. But he is just hiding here isn't he?” 

“Died, huh?” Well there was only that much Shinra could guess from the raven´s doings- he had probably decided to disappear from his job of being an information broker for a while. Wasn't the first time either, here and then he would just make himself scarce to avoid unnecessary hassles like this. 

That they were standing now in front of Shinra´s apartment wasn't the first time either. After all, even in the underground world it was kinda known that the two of them at least worked together at times. 

Judging how often the raven came to get patched up after encountering Shizuo on the streets it was no miracle either. 

Even the dumbest men could figure out that connection. 

“Well, sorry I don't know a thing,” he answered, closing that door just the slightest bit as the men they were searching was currently sitting nowhere else but in his apartment.

But Izaya had heard his name. 

And also what they said. 

… 

Died huh? 

Right, he had taken precaution in case- 

“What do you want?” Looking back up the blond was already on his feet, walking to that door, one of those deep frowns decorating his expression. He had barked the words right after he had left the small room- the door behind him being tugged just a bit so there was only a gap left to glance through. 

Izaya knew why he did that, he was trying to hide the raven. Was protecting him. Again. 

And that frown probably didn't only surface because those men were searching for Izaya. No. It probably also did because it reminded him all too painfully of what the raven had told him. The moment that he told him about having made sure no one would particularly search for him once he was… 

It was a suffocating thought. All of a sudden Izaya felt like having been thrown back to where he had started. 

Like this was all just one game. A game of pretending. Pretending of everything being fine, pretending nothing had happened at all. It was like a soft bubble that had started to form was bursting again, leaving nothing but disappointment. 

Sitting there on the chair the raven let a sigh leave his lips. A breeze flowing from the open window brushed across his neck, making his hair stand on ends. 

… a breeze? 

He hadn't really connected the thoughts. No certainly he hadn't even thought as far when he twisted his head and faced what he had always known was there. 

The firecase, underneath the open window. 

The one he used, more than just once to escape in case Shizu-chan entered Shinra's apartment at the same time he did. He had always known it was there but all of a sudden it seemed like a new revelation. 

Because it was there. 

Now. 

“I'm sorry but Orihara-san isn't here as you can see.” it was Shinra who was speaking the words. The men being more than just intimidating as they stood in the door- they certainly didn't seem as if they were intending to leave before they got to talk to Izaya. 

Although it probably wasn't exactly a simple conversation they were aiming for anyway. 

“We would like to make sure of that by ourselves,” the man announced, coldly, intimidating even- well to shinra at least, because Shizuo was only getting more and more annoyed the longer these assholes were wasting their time. 

“I would suggest you drop by at his office? He should be inside,” Shinra tried again, hoping he could solve this in a peaceful way. After all he could see the blond- and see his expression- he really didn't want to renovate his living room again.

“Look we didn't come all the way here to-”  the man started, but oh, the blond finally had had enough. 

“If you don't get your ass out of here right now I'm going to fucking kill you, was that clear enough?” he growled lowly, the men not seeming intimidated in the slightest. No if anything two of them were reaching for their vests as though they had hidden something underneath- and Shinra didn't really want to guess what it was. 

“Shizuo-” he mumbled, with a forced smile on his face, hoping he could get the blond to back off before hell would break loose- but oh just that simple word had been enough t solve the entire situation. 

“Shizuo? Heiwajima Shizuo?” one suddenly whispered a few drops of sweat suddenly collecting on the leaders forehead as he looked at the person that had just threatened them. Realization visibly dawned on his face as he withdrew the weapon he had been carrying, an apologetic smile decorating his expression. 

“The office you said right Kishitani-san? We will try that, sorry for the disturbance,” and with that, they left. Just like that. 

Disbelieving Shinra watched the men as the door got closed once more. 

“Well that was unexpected,” he mumbled aloud, “Should have mentioned your name earlier.” but Shizuo wasn't listening any more anyway. 

Having turned he went back to Izaya. Those bastards weren't going to harm him, especially not just because they didn't get any kind of information that they apparently wanted to have. 

“Okay, they are gone Iza-” but then his breath choked. Just then and there the raven´s name died on his lips as the pure feeling of shock settled in his bones. 

He had opened the door. The door to the small room. 

Shinra´s swivel chair was unoccupied, the window in the room opened wide. The curtains waving in the soft breeze that was filling the room with a cold chill. 

A room that was empty. 

Izaya. 

Was gone. 

**to be continued~**

**DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN**

**Oh my oh my, we are nearing the climax of this story xD And consequently also the end daw, tho It´s approaching slowly, no worries my dear cookies you still have some chapters to go C: I would say, hmmm roughly 4 or 5 more chapters C: depending on how I write them maybe more xD**

 

**Sowy for taking so long, first uni started and I just didn't get my shit together xD And then I got sick lmao thank you body for fucking me over when I'm trying to catch up on shit x’DDDDD And then, yeah then I had to catch up on all the other updates x’DDD But now I'm on a run again ohoho**

**Anyway~ I promise I won't keep you waiting any longer than my scheduled update says this time xD With that being said, see you on May the 6th~!**


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